Why Your Automotive Subculture Sucks: German Car People

"CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever" (carsoffortlangley) 08/27/2020 at 12:03 • Filed to: None

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“Dieselgate” Cars

Hallo. Zis vill be brief and efficient. Just like ownership periods of German cars!

Your subculture: German Car people.

Your Background: Look at you. Successful and dynamic. A real go getter. Time for you to get a car that shows the world that you are different than everyone else....something that is as well designed, well built and precise as you.

The Car(s): Look at these letters and numbers:

E30, W18, F15, G11, Z3, TTRS, RS 6, S3 8L, S2 B4, K31, A10

Can you tell which are cars? If so, go away and do something better with your life.

What’s new that sucks: Look! The badge lights up! *cums in pants*

What has always sucked:  

German manufacturers....have a bit of a checkered past morally lets say. From their uh...origins in the mid 20th century (no need to look into that!) to more recent affairs involving emissions.

Let’s just say that if in 2014 VW can’t see what’s wrong with locking 10 monkeys in a chamber and running a tube from an exhaust pipe to the chamber.... then perhaps some more work needs to be done there.

HEAR IT FROM GERMAN CAR OWNERS!

GTI owners on Oppo: !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! like... !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

E90M3 - !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! - !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:08

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I’m pretty sure ALL manufacturers cheat on emissions, just that this one has been whistle’d out...

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 08/27/2020 at 12:11

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I think that is probably right. I think what upset most people was the systematic awfulness of it.

SO GERMAN!

Longtime Lurker > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:12

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https://oppositelock.kinja.com/svendday-1844434722

Milky > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 08/27/2020 at 12:12

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Not all of them marketed their cars as clean and gassed monkeys.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Longtime Lurker 08/27/2020 at 12:13

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Fuckin thing is a ticking time bomb.  Also, it's going to the dealer on Monday

Merkin Muffley > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:14

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Does Merkel drive a Lexus?

BlueMazda2 - Blesses the rains down in Africa, Purveyor of BMW Individual Arctic Metallic, Merci Twingo > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:17

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“E90 and BM2 en route to Fort Langley” - 2020, colorized

The Ghost of Oppo > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:17

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German car owners: I paid for all of the warning lights, so I am damn sure going to use all of them!

Unrelated picture

Longtime Lurker > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:19

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What!?

LimitedTimeOnly @ opposite-lock.com > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:19

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LOL, really?  Y ou are using my post about a thermostat replacement and a temporary window electronic glitch as “a really big mistake?” That kind of undermines your argument . Funny stuff. Genuinely put a smile on my face that you used that post.

I still very much like my GTI, and have said that I’d probably replace it with another.

Mid Engine > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:24

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I owned a BMW- constant electrical issues meant it was at the dealer more than it was at my house

Also, an Audi- I can’t remem ber anything working the way it should

Jetta, long time ago- sold it after a year, it was a hot mess

Jetta TDI- great car, but you know, it was a cheater. Bought for $23,000 , bought back for $26,400

MB B200 Turbo- absolutely w onderful car in every way

Cayman- bulletproof and the most fun you can have with your clothes on

Colour me stub born but I kept buying different German cars until I found a couple of winners.

facw > Merkin Muffley 08/27/2020 at 12:24

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Wikipedia says:

  Angela Merkel is known to alternate between brands as to project neutrality and support the German car industry in general

Though it also has this pictured:

W12, so you know it’s a maintenance nightmare.

She’s also sometime caused a stir by riding around in a VW van:

Sovande > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:25

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I support this assertion. I have owned 3 Mercedes and would not buy another. I certainly wouldn’t buy an old one and the new ones are a complete and utter bore, with the glaring exception being the wagon, which I would LOVE to own. I can’t think of a reason why I would want a BMW, as I have nobody to show off for and I look at those cars and all I can think is that they are just aspirational vehicles. They are nothing more than a way for people to be told, in no uncertain terms, that the driver has money. It’s like wearing a Rolex and drinking expensive scotch. It’s consumption for the sake of recognition. They may be fun to drive, but I can’t make myself care to find out.

VW? Hahahaha. Not a chance. Ever. I have ridden in plenty, driven both old and new including old busses and bugs and the fact remains: they are cheap, Nazi born and a complete bore. Audi is the exact same with better sheet metal and leather. 

But I would drive the shit out a porsche of just about any style or vintage.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > LimitedTimeOnly @ opposite-lock.com 08/27/2020 at 12:26

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Dern. I just searched for issues and found that.

Probably in the same way that someone could pick up on a post of mine mentioning my Fiesta problems despite the fact I want it forever

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Longtime Lurker 08/27/2020 at 12:27

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DCT service, plus other maintenance. I don't think it's something we want to own outside the warranty

jminer > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:28

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I’ve owned only 1 German car and own it now. A 2014 TDI Sportwagen , and I love it but also don’t think I’ll own another German for a while.

Its given me no trouble but also is crazy complicated even compared to the Hybrid RAV4 in the driveway next to it.

For example the daytime running lights turn off when the e-brake is set. There is no reason to do that and just adds more complexity and several more fail points to such a simple thing.

Also this - look at the crazy complicated design on the belly pan of the car! 

fintail > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:32

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Why use 3 moving parts when 175 will do.

Chariotoflove > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:38

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The background paragraph is subtle enough that some BMW and MB owners would read that and shake their heads in agreement. Also, spot on about the chassis codes. 

For Sweden > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:39

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Wow blatant Germaphobia

Taylor Martin > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:43

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I like to think I know the names of cars when I see them...

Camry, Rogue, Clubman, Veloster, Civic, and so forth.

That is, unless they’re named with a combination of letters and numbers...

Then I don’t even try.

Adding numbers to a cars name feels like adding letters to math. They just don’t belong... even if they stand for the horsepower or liters or whatever.

Dash-doorhandle-6 cyl none the richer > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:55

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My favourite community to deal with is the old British sports car guys. No other subculture will universally admit to their delusional unrequited love for flaming turd with a punishing ownership experience. Down to earth crowd. No MG or Triumph owner ever told me it was a good car or good idea, just that they love them because they do.

They’re not like “ Jebediah MOPAR cast this block in the fires of mordor” or “C arrol Shelby may have farted in this car once so show some respect”  Fuck those guys. 

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 12:56

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Hey man, German cars are totally reliable and perfect, you just gotta own five of em

benn454 > facw 08/27/2020 at 12:56

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 You mean a Dodge Caravan. 

benn454 > jminer 08/27/2020 at 12:57

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 Useless effort on a useless part.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 08/27/2020 at 13:03

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There are four types of German car owners.

1. Those who buy or lease new. They typically ditch the German car when the lease expires, typically after three years, or when it starts having problems regularly, which is also typically after three years.

2. The used owner. There are no “pre-owned” German cars. They are all used. Then, when the first owner is done using it, they sell it to a private owner, or a dealership, who does the same, thus bringing the new owner to a miserably life of CELs, funny noises and smells, and electrical issues. This owner keeps the car a few years, dumping money into it every month when something new breaks. Then, they sell it at rock bottom prices because they’ve had enough.

3. The wrench: be they professional or somewhat unprofessional, they buy the (broken) car from the “used owner” and do all the work themselves. Oil changes, brakes, timing belts, head gaskets, engine replacements, fuel tank replacements, five axles, the headliner, audio, all of it. They love the German car and would never replace it. Eventually, they do, however, because they got another broken German car because they want to actually get to work on time for once. They sell it to the final owner.

4. The junkyard.

Textured Soy Protein > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 13:09

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I’m a multiple BMW owner and pretty well done with German cars in general . They’re engineered to check boxes on a list of performance numbers and features with no regard to reliability or repairability. That’s all well and good if all you ever do is lease new ones and turn them back in, but sucks for longer term ownership. I’m not completely opposed to them but if anything I would definitely stick to the smaller number of exceptions that are relatively simpler and easier to fix.

Longtime Lurker > benn454 08/27/2020 at 13:11

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They didn't get those in Germany.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > jminer 08/27/2020 at 13:14

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That’s a common thing, for VWs at least. My 1996 Golf has always-on running lights, which turn off when you lift the parking brake. They’re the same bulb as the low beam, so I don’t often actually turn the headlights on (PO installed hawt red footwell lights- if I keep the headlights off, the red lights are also off). This was a fun thing to realize while doing handbrake turns in the snow at nighttime.

jminer > benn454 08/27/2020 at 13:15

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Yep, sheet of plastic with a thin layer of sound deadening is all that's needed. I pulled it off and left it off though when I last changed the oil.

jminer > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 08/27/2020 at 13:18

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I’d never run into it before, it was strange to me whenI   lifted the brake and heard a switch and relay trip.

lone_liberal > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 13:21

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I was laughing along with your post and then suddenly remembered that I actually own a German car now. How did that happen? Weird. 

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > jminer 08/27/2020 at 13:22

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German as hell. I think my 1986 Cabriolet does it as well.

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 13:23

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Don’t forget biodegradable wiring harnesses! 

WasGTIthenGTOthenNOVAnowbacktoGTI > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 13:23

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Well, you’re not wrong!

zipfuel > jminer 08/27/2020 at 13:26

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Yeah that feature irritates me on my wagon too, since it’s a manual I usually put it in neutral and hold it on the handbrake at traffic lights - the whole world probably thinks I’m flashing them.

Given how complex it is there’s probably a setting in the computers (so.many.modules.) to switch it off but I'm not buying the cable unless they fix the rust.

Spanfeller is a twat > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 13:28

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we’re doing this again?

*thinks* 

Why your automotive subculture sucks: truck people.

RacinBob > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 13:31

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Your Design Values;  The German obsession of using plastic for everything. Plastic water pump impellers that shed their fins in 10 years. Plastic radiator headers that fail. Plastic intake manifolds that explode on backfiring. Plastic is the final solution to anything!

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > Dash-doorhandle-6 cyl none the richer 08/27/2020 at 13:33

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And they always wave back if waved too. Maybe just happy to be on the road

Dash-doorhandle-6 cyl none the richer > Longtime Lurker 08/27/2020 at 13:35

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Cause they weren’t fooling anyone. 

phenotyp > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 13:35

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Yay! I feel famous. Though possibly a better link would be my E60’s water pump failure that left me stranded in the inside shoulder of a major highway on a hot as balls July day in central TX.

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/how-i-spent-my-summer-vacation-1715097895

Dash-doorhandle-6 cyl none the richer > fintail 08/27/2020 at 13:37

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Best expla nation of German engineering: “fit a square peg into a round hole by adding 10 moving parts made of i ridium instead of just finding a round peg.”

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Spanfeller is a twat 08/27/2020 at 13:38

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I was just bored lol.  

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > jminer 08/27/2020 at 13:39

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My ST turns off the DRL/headlights when I set the parking brake too!

Dash-doorhandle-6 cyl none the richer > gmporschenut also a fan of hondas 08/27/2020 at 13:39

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HOLY SHIT IT STARTED! GET MAY TWEED CAP WE’RE GOING FOR A DRIVE!

jminer > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 13:50

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That’s strange, my ‘14 Focus didn’t, it was a base model though.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 13:50

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Love this series. What’s your next target?

Candidates:
Hot hatches
Subarus
JDM cars
Jeep Wranglers
Mustangs

I was also gonna add lifted bro-dozer pickups , but they’re kinda universally hated so it might not be as funny.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 08/27/2020 at 13:54

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Italian Car Owners :P

Spanfeller is a twat > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 14:01

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Did I go too far?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 14:07

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I’m shocked that Porsche didn’t get a single mention in this. SHOCKED I TELL YA.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

You’re doing a Porsche owners subculture post, right?

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/27/2020 at 14:09

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I should. It’s really it’s own thing.

DipodomysDeserti > RacinBob 08/27/2020 at 14:15

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My wife’s BMW uses a plastic oil pan. I couldn’t believe it when I did the first oil change.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 14:18

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Can’t wait

Mid Engine > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 14:20

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Ferrari jacket, polo shirt, hat, shoes, socks, dri ving gloves, sunglasses, watch...

Dusty Ventures > jminer 08/27/2020 at 14:26

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I’ve had three Subarus across 15 model years, both manual and automatic. They all do the DRL parking brake thing

Sovande > jminer 08/27/2020 at 14:28

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I’d be inclined to keep the splash shield in place, especially on a modern car as many times the serpentine belt and AC belts can be very low.  Also they are used a lot for air flow.  On my old C30, removing it involved about 8 screws and was a chore so I simply cut a hole in it and installed a Fumoto valve to easily drain the pan.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Mid Engine 08/27/2020 at 14:46

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Haahahahaha.  I’m so scared of those I will never wear anything Ferrari while actually driving one.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 15:29

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How many issues has my 20 year old German super sedan had? Look it up. I dare you 

You don’t have to. MAF, belt/pulley (squeaky) , and some bushings. 150k

They’re obviously super reliable!

You just have to buy the right ones.

benn454 > Longtime Lurker 08/27/2020 at 16:51

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 Oh, I'm sorry. "Routan". *winkwink*

Ssfancyfresh > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 16:53

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I have 2 Audi’s and this tickles me

Merkin Muffley > facw 08/27/2020 at 17:39

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Is that the real VW van? Or the Chrysler badge job?

Wonder if the W12 is armored?

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/27/2020 at 23:48

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My car is half German. The good half is South Korean. Well, actually I think it combines the best of all three worlds (also being American) but Opel really did botch the powertrain.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 08/27/2020 at 23:53

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You are forgetting the 6 month wonders who don’t realize quite how expensive a cheap German car can be. I still remember a classmate’s old C Class . It was called the Eggplant because it was purple and about as useful 3 days after it left the shop. 

i86hotdogs > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 08/28/2020 at 05:18

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vanners

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 08/28/2020 at 05:39

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That’s “used owner”, “a few years” was ambitious in hindsight

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 08/28/2020 at 11:00

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Indeed. Though this one was nearly 20 years old. They also paid about 3x what a reasonable price would be. I felt bad but they did but a "cheap" German car.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 08/28/2020 at 11:05

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I bought my 96 Golf for $1400 in June 2018. It’s been reasonably reliable in that time, I’ve only put about 7-8k into it.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 08/28/2020 at 11:09

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It could be worse, but that's still a lot of bank considering the worth of the car. Like 3k a year in repairs isn't terrible for a cheap German car but it isn't exactly for the faint of heart either. 

I don’t think a high miles buy here pay here special 2001 C Class would have been as good.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 08/28/2020 at 11:16

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Oh my god is it a lot of money to dump into a high mile economy car that was made before I was born. Most of that was wear items previous owners had neglected. Then there’s the performance parts, which now require me to put 93 octane in an economy car. On its second set of tires now as well. It’s only been to a shop maybe two or three times, when I was unable to do the work myself as it was street parked. Little things add up. N ow it’s got some pistons slap and a new oil leak, brakes are all fucked, the dust boot for a shock has broken, fuel rail has drained back to the tank a few times, rust is getting worse ...

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 08/28/2020 at 11:25

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Maybe you are not as far off from me in age as I suspected.

It is shocking how the wear items add up. But I bet it feels like you’ve put too much I to it to give up now.

My mom drives a Volvo XC90 on its second engine, second front subframe, second turbo just on the replacement engine ,   second everything really unless it has broken more than once. They’ve got far too much money into a FWD Volvo SUV that isn’t very pleasant to drive but they can’t cut their losses on the thing because if how much they’ve got in it.

I can still guarantee you that you’ve spent less in two years than they did in one year on that terrible terrible C Class.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 08/28/2020 at 11:44

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I’m 24. I don’t feel like I’ve put too much into it to give up- I just really, really like this car. It feels great to drive hard. I’ll probably keep it on the road until the engine pops, it rusts away, or it’s wrecked. And even then, I’ll probably still keep it for parts to support my other Mk3, which I really need to get roadworthy.