Shop Teacher's thoughts on condiments

"shop-teacher" (shop-teacher) 11/07/2020 at 23:20 • Filed to: shitpost

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Here is one that’s been in m y drafts folder for a while.

................................................................................................

Finally, the answers nobody cares about, to the questions nobody asked.

Here are my scathing hot takes on the crap y’all ruin tasty food with.

Mustard: Tastes like shit

Ketchup: Tastes like sugary shit

Mayo: Is the devil

Miracle Whip: Are you fuckin’ kidding me? No!

Pickles: Taste like salt y turds

Pickle Relish: Tastes like salty diarrhea

You may ask yourself, what does Shop Teacher (who is incidentally from Chicagoland and HATES Chicago style hot dogs) put on his hotdogs?

Onions and tomatoes.

Your cheeseburgers?

Onions and tomatoes.

Your bratwurst?

Onions

What if those aren’t available?

Meat and the bun. Meat is tasty enough.

Your french fries? Surely you must put something on your french fries Shop Teacher.

Salt. Period. French fries don’t need help.

You may inquire about other condiments, if you chose. I will now don my flame-suit to combat all of your so wrong so so wrong takes.

CTSenVy > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:25

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Sauerkraut?

Slant6 > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:27

1

What about * hot sauce* ?

shop-teacher > Slant6 11/07/2020 at 23:28

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Yuck.

Hot piss.

shop-teacher > CTSenVy 11/07/2020 at 23:28

1

The smell alone makes it a hard pass.

CB > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:29

2

Big Mac sauce?

shop-teacher > CB 11/07/2020 at 23:29

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Big Nope.

Poor_Sh > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:29

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Condom Mints?

Mark Tucker > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:30

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Totally with you on the Chicago style dogs. Now, an Italian beef from Portillo’s, on the other hand...

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:32

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I like ketchup on burgers fries and hotdogs. What infuriates me is when places put mayonnaise without asking. 

facw > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:32

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I disagree with many of these takes, but the French Fry one is pretty solid. 

John Norris (AngryDrifter) > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:32

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Well you are probably healthier as a result.

But perhaps you could stretch out a bit .

You’ve never dipped a fry in blue cheese dressing?

We are all wired differently and thank God for that. If we all had the same tastes and perspectives we would just be redundant.

DipodomysDeserti > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:33

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Do these also apply to non-hotdog/hamburger sandwiches?

Demon-Xanth knows how to operate a street. > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:33

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Cholula?

Slant6 > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:34

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Then what about mushrooms? They pair well with your beloved onions. 

Khalbali > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:35

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I also do minimal condiments, ketchup with bad fries but usually nothing. I have been guilty of ranch and pizza though.... Burgers  I just do tomato and lettuce, maybe avocado. Although I'm vegan now :(

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:40

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German Curry Ketchup?

Fucking amazing 

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:40

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But, but... Mayo is a gift from god! I’m with you on the fries though, good fries need nothing but salt.......

But mayo doesn't hurt them any, and mayo is awesome. 

CTSenVy > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:40

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415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:42

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If you have cheese sticks, mix ranch and mustard 50/50, so good. My friend in college was an hotel restaurant major and his job was the manager of a Denny’s. We had a private booth around a corner so the customers couldn’t see us, a power strip for out laptops under the table and all the drinks and appetizers we could stand.

WilliamsSW > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:44

1

I agree with you on many of those, but I freaking love mustard - especially yellow (also a Chicago thing!)

But raw onions can kiss my ass. 

MM54 > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:44

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BBQ?

VincentMalamute-Kim > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:45

1

We cannot ever go out to eat together.

A full quart of ketchup on my fries. I like my ketchup with a few fries in there.

I love Chicago Style hot dogs - all the condiments with a hot dog in there hopefully somewhere.

onlytwowheels > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:49

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I have often questioned family mem bers about their condiment use. It’s like their t rying not to tast e their food by burying it in condiments.

A former co-worker that didn’t like condiments on his food had a good way of or dering at the deli. When asked what he wanted on his sandw ich, he would reply “Drag it through the garden dry”.

fhrblig > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:52

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If you like raw tomatoes on food, then I cannot trust your assertions.

Shoop > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:52

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Well you're wrong. Mayo + mustard is delicious. Mayo + BBQ + Sriracha is God tier fry sauce

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:53

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Yes. Yes! YES!

Yes to all. 

boredalways > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:54

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What kinda CheCagOh M an doesn’t love a Maxwell Street Dog?!

Or an Italian Combo (Italian Beef on top of Italian Sausage) with giardinieras?!

On a side note, try Organic Ketchup — less sweet.

(I won’t torture you with hot fries with a side of mayo to dip them in)

Merfthemadmauler > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:54

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I concur with most of that rant.

shop-teacher > CTSenVy 11/07/2020 at 23:55

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The Dude abides.

shop-teacher > Slant6 11/07/2020 at 23:55

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I do like mushrooms. Mushrooms on a burger are fabulous.

shop-teacher > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 11/07/2020 at 23:56

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Fried cheese doesn't need help!

shop-teacher > gmporschenut also a fan of hondas 11/07/2020 at 23:57

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They should be knee-capped.

boredalways > WilliamsSW 11/07/2020 at 23:57

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Raw Red Onions are delicious, especially on a salad.

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:57

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It’s so good, also with onion rings.

shop-teacher > John Norris (AngryDrifter) 11/07/2020 at 23:57

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Blue cheese is disgusting.

Chariotoflove > CB 11/07/2020 at 23:58

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You mean thousand island dressing?

Nauraushaun > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:59

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so dry. Literally no sauce everrr?

This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: > shop-teacher 11/07/2020 at 23:59

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I like you and all, but sorry, no. Find better cond iments. Region matters. Believe me. 

shop-teacher > boredalways 11/08/2020 at 00:00

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I love a combo. Throw some mozzarella on it, and put it in my belly. Keep the giardinieras for yourself.

We buy organic ketchup (I'm the only one in the family who doesn't like it), and it still is gross.

shop-teacher > VincentMalamute-Kim 11/08/2020 at 00:00

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See now, I don't care what you put on your food. Just keep that crap off of mine.

Chariotoflove > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:01

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I used to think we could be friends. Pickles are not a condiment. They are a side dish. I eat them on their own.

Now your stance on fries makes me think you’re not a total loss. 

This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:01

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Wrong. Sorry not sorry. The old mould they serve you in middle America might be the suck, but...

shop-teacher > Khalbali 11/08/2020 at 00:01

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Ranch on pizza!?!?! You monster!

I could never be a vegetarian, let alone vegan.

shop-teacher > JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t 11/08/2020 at 00:01

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Mayo is a trick of the devil!

This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 11/08/2020 at 00:02

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Manager of Denny’s? Besties . 4eva

shop-teacher > WilliamsSW 11/08/2020 at 00:02

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My youngest loves mustard. It’s her go-to on almost anything.

I love raw onions! Cooked onions, meh.

shop-teacher > facw 11/08/2020 at 00:03

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Fair enough.

WilliamsSW > boredalways 11/08/2020 at 00:04

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no

VincentMalamute-Kim > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:04

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I was wrong. We can go out to eat.  We just can’t share plates.

Urambo Tauro > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:04

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Oh I’m the opposite. Total f lavorholic here. A nd boy do I love me some tasty condiments/sauces . Sometimes I’ll even snack on boring old saltines just to have an excuse of something to put the condiment( s) on.

shop-teacher > Chariotoflove 11/08/2020 at 00:05

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Let me frame this another way. If we go out to eat together, and they put a pickle on my plate, I’m going to give my pickle to you. Now you have more pickle!

My wife loves pickles. My best friend loves pickles. I'm not going to waste a pickle, I'm going to give it to someone who wants a pickle.

WilliamsSW > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:06

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I’m the same. For fries, it’s either salt only, or I dip them in yellow mustard.

On hot dogs, I like mustard, sport peppers, pickle, and celery salt. That’s it.

Yes, I have a permanent, weird itch for acidic foods.  My GI doc wife thinks I’m nuts and will get ulcers, but nope.  

shop-teacher > Mark Tucker 11/08/2020 at 00:06

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I’m all over a Portillos italian beef, just make mine a beef and sausage combo. Dipped, with mozzarella. No peppers.

That's actually what I ate for dinner Thursday.

shop-teacher > This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: 11/08/2020 at 00:07

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No.

shop-teacher > fhrblig 11/08/2020 at 00:07

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As opposed to cooked tomatoes???

shop-teacher > DipodomysDeserti 11/08/2020 at 00:07

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Yes.

shop-teacher > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/08/2020 at 00:07

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I threw up a little on my mouth thinking about that.

shop-teacher > Poor_Sh 11/08/2020 at 00:07

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Ewwwww!

Urambo Tauro > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:08

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Pardon me-

Do you mean to tell me that you do NOT have any Grey Poupon, then ?

shop-teacher > Nauraushaun 11/08/2020 at 00:08

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Yes.

shop-teacher > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 11/08/2020 at 00:08

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I knew I liked you best for a reason!

shop-teacher > MM54 11/08/2020 at 00:09

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I don't mind the taste of bbq sauce, but the combination of sugar and vinegar makes me feel I'll, and does bad things to my backside.

shop-teacher > onlytwowheels 11/08/2020 at 00:10

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Nice!

That is exactly what I don't understand about all these condiments. Do you want to taste the food or not?

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:10

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No its not :(

How could something so wonderful be evil? 

DipodomysDeserti > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:10

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Oil and vinegar

shop-teacher > Demon-Xanth knows how to operate a street. 11/08/2020 at 00:10

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Don't even know what that is.

shop-teacher > Shoop 11/08/2020 at 00:10

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That is disgusting

shop-teacher > Merfthemadmauler 11/08/2020 at 00:10

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I see you are a person of great taste then :)

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: 11/08/2020 at 00:11

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After graduation he got a job at the West Palm Beach Resort, no more Denny’s! 

boredalways > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:11

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And what’s wrong with a Maxwell Street Polish?

shop-teacher > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 11/08/2020 at 00:12

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Which also don't need help.

Grindintosecond > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:13

2

Malt Vinegar.

If anything I just want to hear your reaction to Canadien preferences. Namely their metric condiment.

boredalways > WilliamsSW 11/08/2020 at 00:13

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*raspberry*

Khalbali > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:13

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It's not too bad, there's plenty of stuff I miss but it is what it is, the biggest thing for me is just missing the texture and toughness of meat, vegan stuff just tends to be mushier.

shop-teacher > VincentMalamute-Kim 11/08/2020 at 00:13

1

Exactly.

VincentMalamute-Kim > Urambo Tauro 11/08/2020 at 00:13

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I agree. A meal of c ondiments, with a few fries or a hot dog in the condiments somewhere.

shop-teacher > JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t 11/08/2020 at 00:14

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I mean, I think that could be said about a lot of things we like.

VincentMalamute-Kim > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:14

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No. Just condiments.

DipodomysDeserti > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:15

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HEATHEN !

shop-teacher > DipodomysDeserti 11/08/2020 at 00:15

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Those are fine. Unnecessary, but fine.

fhrblig > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:15

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If they come in this form? Sure.

VincentMalamute-Kim > Nauraushaun 11/08/2020 at 00:15

4

That is so dry. It’s torture. S erving prisoners food without condiments is illegal as inhumane under the Geneva Conventions.

just-a-scratch > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:16

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Tartar sauce mixed with Tabasco sauce is an excellent dip for fries.

shop-teacher > Urambo Tauro 11/08/2020 at 00:16

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We have almost all of these things on my house. Just not on my food, ever.

My youngest might be 10% mustard at this point. She puts it on almost everything.

onlytwowheels > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:16

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One member of the family would squeeze a half dozen packets of ketchup and mustard on his hamburger at McDonald’s. He is also known to butter and salt chicken......

The daughter of a family friend puts ketchup on everything, including corn. Disgusting.

shop-teacher > Grindintosecond 11/08/2020 at 00:17

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I don't even know what that is. What do you do with it?

shop-teacher > Urambo Tauro 11/08/2020 at 00:18

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I just don't get it. Do you even taste the food you're putting all that stuff on?

shop-teacher > boredalways 11/08/2020 at 00:19

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Only one man would dare  give me the raspberry!

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:19

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I don’t like a lot of mustard on a good brat, I agree, a decent brat deserves to be tasted. I just put a thin line between one side and the bun with kraut. Most brats in the USA taste like hot dogs. There is a guy from Germany that goes to the SF Fort Mason farmers market and apparently he is a millionth generation butcher. Wow they are good. I found another butcher who is British but he went to Germany to train and he is my close second.

shop-teacher > VincentMalamute-Kim 11/08/2020 at 00:20

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So you don't want to taste the food you're eating?

shop-teacher > boredalways 11/08/2020 at 00:20

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I love a polish. Put some onions on it. Doesn't need anything else.

shop-teacher > VincentMalamute-Kim 11/08/2020 at 00:21

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Its not torture. Drowning the food in other bullshit is torture!

shop-teacher > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 11/08/2020 at 00:24

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I'd love to try what they have. While I won't criticize your thin line of mustard and a bit of kraut, I'll either have chopped onions, or just the meat and bun.

WilliamsSW > boredalways 11/08/2020 at 00:24

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no u

shop-teacher > VincentMalamute-Kim 11/08/2020 at 00:24

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I mean, at least you're honest with yourself.

shop-teacher > onlytwowheels 11/08/2020 at 00:25

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That is nasty!

shop-teacher > DipodomysDeserti 11/08/2020 at 00:26

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That's not the half of what makes me a heathen.

shop-teacher > just-a-scratch 11/08/2020 at 00:26

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Ewww.

I Will Always Be The Honey Badger > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:28

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Hot wings?

flatisflat > shop-teacher 11/08/2020 at 00:32

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All that which is consumed is food (a la pickles which are just cucumbers which are just food ). Condiments.are.food. Some people just happen to like a fry or two with their ketchup food. ;)