"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
05/06/2019 at 15:18 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire
20
15|
"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
05/06/2019 at 15:18 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire | 20
| 15 |
Ancestry.com, in conjunction with Indiana-based Blackstone Laboratories, recently unveiled a groundbreaking series of genealogy tests for vehicles to give their owners a more detailed look at their cars’ lineage. For many customers, such tests can provide them valuable, interesting insights into aspects of their car’s family history of which they may have been unaware. For a minority of owners, however, the tests can uncover painful family secrets and leave difficult questions unanswered.
Even a lighthearted, simplified look at car brand genealogy can create confusion and frustration.
The tests use a patented process of radial spectrometry to
analyze the car’s oil and fuel, combining the output with Ancestry’s enormous
vehicle database and other proprietary data sources to create a full picture of
a car’s history and status. The results can provide useful information to
owners about potential future problem areas, but also serve as conversation
starters for many.
However, such tests can have a dark side.
Maryland brothers Cam and Nick Brown, both in their mid-20s,
own very similar Volkswagen GTIs – one from 2014 and one from 2016. Despite the
closeness in age, DNA testing of the brothers’ cars revealed wildly different
histories. “My 2016 model says it’s over 70% Mexican,” says Nick, admitting
“I’m not even sure if I could have voted for Donald Trump if I had known about
this before.”
The boys allegedly sat quietly at the dinner table this
Easter, refusing to bring up the news of their blended German and Mexican car
heritage in front of their family. But even beyond the Ancestry tests, the
boys’ own private research cast even more shadows over the family tree.
Cam writes via email that “Our dad had a Jetta when we were
kids. He was always talking about ‘German engineering’ and ‘European handling,’
but we later learned his car was built in Pennsylvania, completely by
Americans. We believe this country is a melting pot, but that car rusted so
fast, we couldn’t even sell it for that.”
Even more ominous are the acts of alleged misdeeds that have
come about from Ancestry’s testing.
Rick Jones of Bellevue, Washington, recently sent an oil and fuel sample from his 2019 Dodge Challenger, a popular American muscle car. What he got back left him speechless.
Rick Jones’s prized Dodge Challenger in special order color “Paterni-teal”
“It said I was related to the Charger, which I already
knew,” claims Mr. Jones. “Then it went on to list the Chrysler 300, the Dodge
Magnum, the Dodge Durango, and everything pointed back to the 1990s Mercedes
E-Class.”
After hiring a private investigator with his local car club,
a troubling pattern began to emerge: During the time of Daimler’s ownership of
Chrysler, the parent company secretly mixed its DNA with virtually every
vehicle sold, often without consent of the product line’s manager.
Based on the company’s own internal investigation while
under the current FCA ownership team, all signs pointed to one man, known only
as “Dr. Z.” Company records could not positively identify the man behind this
pseudonym, but his legacy is bittersweet to many current owners.
“I always loved the way my car handled, especially for its size,” Rick Jones states. “I only wish I had known that it had genes from a 20-year-old Mercedes in it. That doesn’t change the outcome, but it does taint the legacy a little bit.”
Mr. Jones and over 75 additional plaintiffs are currently
pursuing both criminal and civil class action lawsuits, despite the fact that
Germany’s statute of limitations for automotive platform sharing crimes currently
stands at just 15 years.
“We’ll either try Dr. Z in absentia in the US, or we’ll continue lobbying Germany to stop protecting its most heinous executives,” concludes one anonymous attorney tied to the case. “These owners have a right to know where their cars really came from.”
CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever
> Ash78, voting early and often
05/06/2019 at 15:28 |
|
Unfortunately Sky’s DNA results showed extensive inbreeding which may have explained disfigured appearance.
The base 2.4L engine comes from the Chevy Cobalt.
The transmission comes from the Chevy Colorado, which itself was a redesign of a Toyota Supra transmission from the 80s.
The mirrors come from the Fiat Barchetta.
The backup lights come straight off the GMC Envoy SUV.
The rear differential comes from the Cadillac CTS.
The HVAC equipment comes off the Hummer H3.
Steering Wheel comes from the Chevy Malibu.
Airbags and door handles also come from the Cobalt.
|
Ash78, voting early and often
> CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever
05/06/2019 at 15:29 |
|
Sounds like a party!
AMGtech - now with more recalls!
> Ash78, voting early and often
05/06/2019 at 15:34 |
|
As with most all great satire, this could be believable.
Demon-Xanth knows how to operate a street.
> CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever
05/06/2019 at 15:37 |
|
Fog lights from a Pontiac Grand Prix
davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com
> Ash78, voting early and often
05/06/2019 at 15:49 |
|
[extended slow clap]
|
davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com
> Ash78, voting early and often
05/06/2019 at 15:50 |
|
New in town: https://drzleaf.com/
His Stigness
> Ash78, voting early and often
05/06/2019 at 16:38 |
|
So take the guy’s shock about buying a 20 year old Mercedes chassis and think about how a Porsche owner would react to being told his car is actually a VW.
Chassis made on the same line as a VW.
Engine is out of a VW hatchback.
And many of the components are VW, not Porsche.
Shockingly Cayenne owners get offended when I tell them this.
CompactLuxuryFan
> His Stigness
05/06/2019 at 16:56 |
|
Which VW hatchback gives the Cayenne its engine ? I guess the 3.2 VR6 back in the day was in the R32 and the base Cayenne?
|
His Stigness
> CompactLuxuryFan
05/06/2019 at 19:51 |
|
The VR6 could be had all way back in the MKIII GTI. I don’t remember how long the VR6 was offered in the Cayenne, but I’ve opened the hoods of fairly new cars with the VR6.
Dash-doorhandle-6 cyl none the richer
> Ash78, voting early and often
05/10/2019 at 00:09 |
|
Challenger’s Daddy may have been German, but its grandfather was French
Charger, I ntrepid, and most post-Kcar mopars trace back to this.
HammerheadFistpunch
> Ash78, voting early and often
05/10/2019 at 01:03 |
|
The graphic alone makes this the best thing I’ve read all day. Well done. I wonder if my tests will show chevrolet ancestry in my Land Cruiser?
|
Ash78, voting early and often
> HammerheadFistpunch
05/10/2019 at 09:17 |
|
I can’t take credit for the graphic — it’s from CAR magazine, I believe. An artistic take on the London Tube.
If I was actually getting paid to write these (instead of cranking them out in one draft, across 30 minutes or so) I’d probably invest in Photoshop and do it right...for now it’s just a side hobby.
user314
> Ash78, voting early and often
05/10/2019 at 09:41 |
|
Um. Is this a “Best of...” rerun, or a Kinja fuck-up?
|
Ash78, voting early and often
> user314
05/10/2019 at 09:43 |
|
I normally post these once, then once more a day or two later (usually at night for the Antipodeans). Not a fuckup.
|
user314
> Ash78, voting early and often
05/10/2019 at 09:58 |
|
Gotcha. You can never tell with Kinja .