I don’t think I have any friends anymore

"Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise)
03/24/2019 at 21:12 • Filed to: None

I been feeling it coming for a while, I only have one friend that I hang out with. We haven’t hung out in since February. If I don’t initiate nothing happens and for the past few weeks he’s said no to hanging out.

I’ve always been alone and felt different to everyone else. I’m very sensitive and emotional which makes me different from societies notion of being a man. I know it didn’t fit my families, I think it’s part of the reason why they don’t love or understand me. I care very deeply and am trying to find myself. I also have anxiety and depression and have been struggling with that a lot. I don’t think anyone would ever want to be around me or like me and this is kind of confirming that. I’ll just be alone forever I guess, I’ve never had a relationship and don’t see that ever happening for me and now I think I’m out of friends. Hopefully I’m overthinking this, I’m sick today with infected tonsils and am really depressed tonight.

I’ll probably talk to my therapist about it tomorrow but needed to get it out somewhere since I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m 24 and I’ve never had many friends this whole time. I don’t fit in anywhere it seems.

DISCUSSION (87)

jimz > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:28

I’m 42 and pretty much the same way. but I’ve never been social so it’s just the way things have always been.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:28

Making friends is a weird thing, so is keeping them, although being sensitive isn’t really a detriment to that.

Some things worth asking yourself are what kind of friends do you want? What are you interested in?

E90M3 > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:30

Making friends can be difficult, especially if your idiosyncrasies get in the way; we all have idiosyncrasies , some are more overbearing than others. I would suggest picking a hobby or something and then finding others with similar interests, because it gives you something to do and it also gives you something to talk about. I can understand where you’re coming from, I explicitly moved to where I am now to be closer to friends.

Captain of the Enterprise > Honeybunchesofgoats
03/24/2019 at 21:31

I want friends who can be there for me and I can be there for them. I’d like to hang out and talk in person, I like doing thing and accomplishing things with friends too. I’d like to be around other caring people too.

random001 > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:31

You fit in here.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:31

I find all my friendships have a shelf life. Obviously, there’s something about me that makes this so.

Over the last three years, I have “parted ways” with my three closest friends. By which I mean: my three only friends. I think I just have a lot going on and that I can’t handle other people’s shit on top of that.

NKato > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:32

Oh hey same thing I’m kinda going through. :v

Except that being deaf, I feel stuck between two worlds. It's annoying.

Captain of the Enterprise > E90M3
03/24/2019 at 21:32

Thanks, I need to find ways to meet people, I’m pretty introverted but don’t like being alone for days at a time like I am when I’m not working or in class.

MM54 > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:33

You like cars, I’ll be your f riend

Captain of the Enterprise > random001
03/24/2019 at 21:33

Thanks, I’m trying to be nice to people.

Captain of the Enterprise > NKato
03/24/2019 at 21:34

I’m sorry, that must be very difficult.

Captain of the Enterprise > MM54
03/24/2019 at 21:35

Thanks, I appreciate that

NKato > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:35

Eh. I just call it normal. If anything happens, technically that's extraordinary.

Chuckles > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:36

“The biggest lie in the Bible is that Jesus was a man in his 30's with 12 friends.” - someone funnier than me.

Adult friendships are so weird. When you’re a kid, it seems that the only requirement for friendship is if someone lives in your neighborhood or is in one of your classes. As an adult, it feels like all of the stars have to align for a new friendship to start. At the same time, people drift apart so those old friendships fall by the wayside.

I guess what I’m saying is that I know you are feeling a lot of despair, but shedding friendships in your twenties is a pretty common thing for a lot of men.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:36

This is about as cliched as it gets for advice, but, in that case, you might consider volunteering or joining an interest group. I only say that because that’s a sure way to find people who want to accomplish things.

Have you ever considered joining one of those MeetUp things?

Captain of the Enterprise > Chuckles
03/24/2019 at 21:38

Thank you, I think that perspective helps a bit . I am trying to be more true to myself and this could be a consequence of that.

VincentMalamute-Kim > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:38

“ Hopefully I’m overthinking this,” yes you are. I know that’s flippant not knowing you at all. What you say resonates with me. I think I’m too sensitive as well, have a hard time making friends, etc, everything you’ve said. I’m not going to suggest anything because what do I know? Other than I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. Hang in there. There’s a lot of other people in the same boat.

Captain of the Enterprise > Honeybunchesofgoats
03/24/2019 at 21:39

I’m on meetup, I just need to find something or a group to try out. I think volunteering could fit.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:39

When I first moved to this new city after college, I ended up realizing how I actually sucked hard at making friends. And the ones I had made previously, I hadn’t treated all that well, so very few people came out to visit and I ended up spending most nights alone, whether by choice or not. I was actually 22 when I moved out and I’d say it wasn’t until I was 25 or so that I got the hang of things. I’m also a bit liek you in that emotions can be amplified at times. Someone being 5 minutes late to a meeting time sometimes makes me spiral into “This person hates me and will never show. ”

Now, given what you’ve shared previously, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you probably feel that same way, but 10x worse. I don’t have a silver bullet for this since clearly it doesn’t exist. I can only offer hope that it does end. And it’s more common than I think men are encouraged to share. It’s kinda sad, really, how many guys actually feel relieved when another man will actually reach out to them as a human and be like “Hey, I noticed you were going through some shit recently. Don’t have to say it at work/at the gym/around the group but if you need to talk let me know”.

I’ll repeat what I’ve said to a few other men on here - be a regular at a reputable establishment. Coffee house, restaurant, park, bar, store, art gallery, museum, heck even just walking down the same streets on a regular basis will give you something to do and look forward to. It also helps get your name and face out there so other people can recognize you and look forward to you being there. Takes some time, but it is worthwhile.

I credit the local places near me for helping me meet the friends I now have and helping me grow up and be better than I was before. It took time, and I made some mistakes, but I honestly can say it’s nice to feel like I’m a pa rt of a community again after a couple years adrift from everyone and everything.

And maybe that isn’t for you. Maybe there are other ways that will work better for you. The point is the early 20s are a genuinely difficult time for many people and I think it’s an under reported time of struggle for many men trying to find themselves or find the courage and strength to say “I hear you when you say I should be a certain way, but I’m an adult now so I get to decide that. An d if you have a problem with it, then understand it’s a problem with yourself, and not me”

Honeybunchesofgoats > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/24/2019 at 21:40

That’s called getting old. Congrats.

Captain of the Enterprise > VincentMalamute-Kim
03/24/2019 at 21:40

Thank you I’m working to hang in here.

ttyymmnn > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:41

There is a difference between friends and acquaintances. At age 52, I would say that I have maybe two actual friends, people I would share anything with and trust with my deepest secrets, and they each live 1500 miles from me. Of course, that doesn’t count my wife. We see people who have all sorts of friends they made in their college frat, or a group of people they hang out with, or somebody who seems to be always surrounded by “friends.” Facebook has ruined the meaning of that word. I would guess that most people have one, maybe two true friends. They can be hard to come by, but a true blessing when you find them.

I don’t think anyone would ever want to be around me or like me and this is kind of confirming that.

Be careful, because if you believe that it just might come true. Give it some time (I don’t know how old you are). Try different places. Try church, clubs, find like-minded people. Support groups. Places where others are trying to connect.

And besides, you always have Oppo. Though it’s not quite the same, I know.

BrianGriffin thinks “reliable” is just a state of mind > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:42

My best friends are some guys from college that I see every two or so years, former Coworkers halfway across the country, and a bunch of random people I’ve met online. Being an adult is hard. I don’t have any advice, just that we’re all in the same boat.

E90M3 > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:44

I understand that. I’ve found it’s been really hard to make lasting real friendships in adult life, for whatever reason.

I will say, one of my friends at work is also a BMW person and we sometimes go down the BMW rabbit hole and start talking in engine and chassis codes. We’ve done a few things outside of work as well, just because we’re both the same age and have similar interests. I know that can be really hard to find.

It can also be hard to maintain friendships. I met up with a classmate from college today for the first time since fall of 2012. We talked about the other ChemEs we keep in contact with, and she flatly said, most of the people we went to school with were weird; I was taken back a bit by that statement.

Life is never simple.

Chuckles > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:44

For me, one of the most important parts of adult social interaction is context. I can’t just go to a bar and talk to strangers, but if you give me a reason for talking to them I can be very social. I know I’ve talked to you about this before, but you’ve got to find something that you enjoy, and then seek out others who enjoy that same thing. For me, it was pinball. Anybody who is even a little bi t into video games but wants to make friends should try pinball. It’s a similar skillset but with a great social component. It’s fun to play on your own but playing with others can be a lot of fun. But the key is having that context to start talking to people.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:45

You know it’s nice hearing someone else that I can relate with directly.

I’m 24, i don’t talk to much of the family, most of my friends from HS/College are doing their own things and starting families, i have maybe 3-4 friends I semi hang out with, I’ve been single for 3 years now and really I’ve never had a consistent friend base.

It’s always aggrivated me and scared me; I can talk to anyone for the most part but I can’t seem to keep or find a stable friendship for the life of me. I don’t hate being a loner, but it gets quickly starting to catch up to me with all the stress from work.

gin-san - shitpost specialist > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:49

I’ve felt, and still do feel like this on occasion, although our situations are different. I don’t have any answers for you, all I can really say is that you’re not alone in how you feel.

Opening up to people makes it difficult for me to meet others, but it can be done. It helps that I work with people that are around my age, but the more you talk the easier it is to open up. It won’t happen right away, but eventually you find people you connect with and relationships (whether romantic or platonic) develop from there. Also, be wary of your own thinking - I found that what I thought about myself impacted how I thought others perceived me, and that can kill your confidence.

Alcohol as a social lubricant has worked for me consistently since it gets me to loosen up a bit, but you have to be mindful of how much you’re drinking, especially when meeting new people. Don’t go get fucking smashed and wonder why things went wrong, lol.

As far as a romantic relationship, you ain’t gonna find any unless you try - online dating fucking sucks but it helps you to at least hone/develop those basic date skills. Your first few dates will probably suck but don’t let that get you down - nobody’s perfect, mistakes will be made, and it’s fine to look back and think about how you could have done better but it’s important to accept that mistakes were made and to let it go.

Finally, life goes at its own pace for everyone. If you’re looking at too much Facebook or Instagram or other shit where everything looks great for others, keep in mind they are presenting only the ideal moments of their lives. Once you accept that everyone has their own demons, insecurities, and strengths - just like you - that also helps you gain confidence in yourself. Depression and anxiety is much more common than you think, and many have built a strong facade to hide pain inside as much as possible.

None of this is advice, just my personal anecdote. Your therapist is who you need to talk to, but all of this is just to say that you’re not alone, even though it feels that way sometimes.

Mercedes Streeter > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 21:59

I’ve spent the most of my life with a friend circle fewer than ten , and most of my adult years thus far with fewer than five I see in real life.

I can count on less than one hand how many friends I hang out with on any regularity. Miss DeLorean, less than that. If it weren’t for her and my Oppo family and friends I would feel so alone.

Where do you live? I love IRL befriending all the Oppos I can! <3

TheJWT > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 22:03

It’s very hard not to feel like you’re living in the worst case scenario when you’re feeling lonely. A s bad as it seems though, there are still people who care about you.

It seems like we have a lot in common, and if you’re like me and hate getting advice on stuff like this, just know that me and everyone else on here is listening to you and we all care.

benjrblant > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 22:03

My two cents and personal opinion: don’t focus on the friends part. Focus on doing things that you enjoy- perferably something that requires you to be somewhere that’s not home. Card games with people (magic, poker, D&D?) , biking, going to the gym, trivia, museums, an activity at y our nearest library, car club, it doesn’t matter. Find something you kind of like, make it your thing. Focus on improving. Be a regular. Do it every week. Be on time. Show up every time. Don’t focus on “making friends” at first, just show up, be interested, be present and not on your phone.

IMO, “friends” are secondary. What’s important is you and your focus and drive. Friends will come and go. People are fickle and emotions are irrational. Find or make that constant in your life to rely on and don’t focus on what you think you do not have.

Do any of those things in the first paragraph interest you?

benjrblant > Chuckles
03/24/2019 at 22:04

“The biggest lie in the Bible is that Jesus was a man in his 30's with 12 friends.” -someone funnier than me.

Yeh, i feel like he paid them off! Always buying them dinner and stuff. (=

Chuckles > benjrblant
03/24/2019 at 22:06

It's probably pretty easy to make friends when you can turn water into wine. That's a neat party trick.

DipodomysDeserti > Chuckles
03/24/2019 at 22:11

“Ya gotta think like a kid, dad!”

-my six year old any time I’m trying to solve a problem.

She’s wise beyond her years. Pretty sure Jesus also had a thing or two to say about thinking like a kid.

jimz > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 22:34

honestly, it’s more like I have a bunch of people I’m friendly with. we have some common interests, might do something once in a while, but nothing like the childhood concept of “best friends.” when you’re a kid, you and your best friends would hang out every single day after school. that shit goes away when you grown. everyone grows into their own responsibilities and interests, and opportunities to get together and hang out are few and far between.

it’s just life, man.

fhrblig > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 23:01

The last time I really had a close friend was about 20 years ago. We’re still friends on Facebook, but we drifted apart mainly because I was still in the closet and he wasn’t. He was my best friend in high school. I haven’t seen him since then, and now he lives in the mountains somewhere west of Colorado Springs with his husband.

I did go through a period where I was miserably lonely for lots of reasons. One of the things that started me on a trajectory out of it was deciding I’d had enough. I started to try to date online (some dating, some hooking up) and I had mixed results. Then I moved, into a place with a (straight) roommate. That helped, too. I met my partner not long after. Getting in a relationship actually did more to get me to meet other people, and I have a couple of friends now because of it. It could be better, because sometimes I wish I had a group of guys to hang out with to watch football and have some beers and/or cigars, play video games, etc. I do work with a bunch of dude bros, so I could see if any of them are interested in that.

The best advice I could give is to do the opposite of what your instincts are. I was very introverted, and I had to work very hard to force myself to try new things. The important thing to remember is that it’s not always going to be perfect; in fact it might not even be satisfactory. Don’t let that stop you. Keep trying new things.

Khalbali > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 23:02

Just be yourself and whoever that is, I guarantee there’s others out there. Finding them can be a crap shoot, and like others have said, it’s pretty common to drift away around that age, my main social interaction these days is going to a bar every other Thursday to visit a bartender I know from when I worked there. It’s kind of a bummer when I dwell on it, since she gets paid to talk to me, but I know she’s just busy and that’s a time I know I can always see her and there’s not a million other guys there hitting on her.

My biggest advice would be to just try to focus on your own interests, whatever they may be, and hopefully you’ll meet somebody that way. It doesn’t even have to be joining clubs or formal groups, just do you and the rest will come eventually. I wish I had more of a social life too, I think that’s just part of the human condition, I’m sure even the people who seem most popular can feel lonely and like nobody gets them, but you can’t meet new friends until you meet yourself first.

smobgirl > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 23:07

Wait until you’re in your thirties and take all of your non-solo vacations with a sibling and their spouse. Luckily I’m totally fine doing stuff on my own, at this point. If I want to talk to people I’ll just randomly start talking to them, if I don’t I pull up Oppo on my phone :)

As I said in a different post, I run to force myself to interact with people. My group meets on saturdays and then we have breakfast, and a few of us will meet up during the week for the unofficial training runs. I’m friends with a bunch of former members outside of running, so we’ll grab drinks or go hiking on occasion.

The thing is...people get busy. Life gets busy. Work takes up way too much of people’s energy (and time). And then kids happen for people. I wish I had better answers. It just feels like the older I get, the more effort it takes to keep in touch with people even when they’re people I do actually like.

phenotyp > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 23:12

Man, this is very familiar. I’ve struggled with depression since... always. And I’ve never seen myself, or felt, anything but alone. I resisted any sort of therapy until last fall, and it’s good to hear that you’re already on it. (dating not one, but two therapists over the years will put you right off, especially if you have sort of a fuck-you attitude toward anyone telling you what you should do, especially if it’s just talking, and not doing )

Switch the numbers in your age, and you’ll just about get mine. Hard as it may be, it sounds like you’re on the right path. And, as stupid as it may sound to anyone who doesn’t know, Oppo’s full of the right people to talk to about pretty much anything. Carbs (both automotive and edible), anxieties, pets, computer problems, and shitposts. We’re all here for you. And you can trust that we know whereof we speak. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

Chariotoflove > Captain of the Enterprise
03/24/2019 at 23:23

Well, you know you have an online community that values you. That’s something at least.

Meeting people and bringing them into your life can be hard work. And sometimes it’s scary or doesn’t seem worth it.

I think the volunteering idea is a good one. Also, getting involved in church or other interest groups. Doing something that interests you and feels good puts you in a mood to interact with the people around you who happen to share that interest.

DipodomysDeserti > E90M3
03/24/2019 at 23:52

“ Life is never simple.”

Rethink this, you’ll have a much more peacefull life.

  > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras
03/24/2019 at 23:59

I can never really gauge how old people here are. It’s at least slightly comforting knowing so many people are going through the same shit.

“ I ’ve never hated being a loner, but it’s starting to catch up to me.”

I feel that hard. B ack at uni it was like the option of social interaction was always there whenever I felt like it. B ut n ow I’m faced with the realisation that in 5 years I managed to hold on to a total of like 2 people that I still speak to, and barely regularly.

A few weekends ago I caught up with two of my closest friends in high school for the first time in more than a year and damn it feels like we’re fucking strangers now :(

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras >
03/25/2019 at 00:03

One of my friends from middle school (13 years ago now) is getting married this summer. Since we graduated in 2012, I’ve seen him 5 maybe 6 times. We use to hang out constantly and now we don’t even talk

  > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras
03/25/2019 at 00:09

Yeah, a s someone who seems to simultaneously fear commitment but also fear loneliness, receiving engagement news is rough.

Future Heap Owner > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 01:16

There’s a lot of good insights & advice in this thread. I hope some of it helps you. And you can tell from the volume of replies that we’re here for you.

But t here is one thing you said that I want to focus on:

I also have anxiety and depression and have been struggling with that a lot. I don’t think anyone would ever want to be around me or like me and this is kind of confirming that.

I have felt exactly this way before. When I was in early high school, I felt that I was a worthless person that some people tolerated but nobody actually liked. I was also severely depressed.

A few years later, after receiving treatment in the form of therapy & medication, I realized that I was completely wrong. That my depression had convinced me that I was worthless, that nobody liked me, that any affection towards me was affectation, when none of that was true. That in fact, I had pushed people away by believing all of those things and acting accordingly.

Now, I’m not saying that’s what’s happening to you. Maybe this person doesn’t want to be your friend any longer. That happens. It happens for lots of reasons. But no matter what, DO NOT think that this is a reflection of your worth as a friend and as a person. DO NOT let this one person’s decision lead you to give up making friends. DO NOT l et depression use this to convince you that this is how it’s always going to be and make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I recognize that this is much easier said than done. But hopefully being aware of this trap will make it a little harder to fall into. And I’m very glad you have a therapist you can talk about this sort of thing with.

But if you ever need to talk outside of your therapist’s hours , feel free to drop me a line at dlp@aperiodic.org. Put Oppo in the subject/first sentence and it’ll go in my (mental) high-priority bucket.

diplodicus forgot his password > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 07:30

Do you have a dog? And a dog park nearby? I’ve found the dog park is a pretty nice place to interact with people. There’s a couple people that I’ve become actual friends with, but mostly just friendly aqcuaintences. It's nice when you want to interact with some people you just go to the park, and you leave when you've got your fill of people. Plus you all have something in common which makes small talk easier.

Captain of the Enterprise > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles
03/25/2019 at 08:20

Thank you for your reply, I do feel that way and can see what you’re saying. I think I need to find others like me to get that sense of belonging. I think that would benefit me a lot.

404 - User No Longer Available > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 08:31

One thing I came to realize is that “difficult friendships” is part of growing up. What you are experiencing isn’t that you don’t have friends, but you don’t have close or genuine friends, as the definition of friends evolve over time . You have d eeper thoughts, or even things that trouble you, but feels like you have no one to talk to , because you have become very selective on who you want to talk to about it . Not that you don’t trust them or anything, it just feels like you won’t get anywhere even if you did talk .

I’m kind of in a similar situation, and it’s biting my hard right now. Trying to go for a career change, and that relies on networking, especially when my skill set is kinda narrow.

Hang in there. You’re still young, you got a very long road ahead of you.

Captain of the Enterprise > ttyymmnn
03/25/2019 at 09:09

Thank you

Captain of the Enterprise > BrianGriffin thinks “reliable” is just a state of mind
03/25/2019 at 09:09

Thank you for the perspective, It makes me feel a little less alone with this.

Captain of the Enterprise > E90M3
03/25/2019 at 09:10

Thank you.

Captain of the Enterprise > Chuckles
03/25/2019 at 09:11

Thanks again, I agree on the context, I always feel like if I’m talking to someone I’m bothering them. Less so if I have a reason to be talking to them or interacting though. I need to look into pinball again.

Captain of the Enterprise > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras
03/25/2019 at 09:13

I agree, I can get along with pretty much anyone but it doesn’t turn into anything. It can be frustrating. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in that aspect.

Captain of the Enterprise > gin-san - shitpost specialist
03/25/2019 at 09:17

Thank you for your reply. I don’t drink which makes it harder. I used to get to hang out with more people until we turned 21, then people wouldn’t invite me to hang out anymore because I choose not to drink (my mom was an alcoholic so I choose not to). I’ve tried online dating but I only got 1 match in four months. I think it would be better for me to get to know someone first. I’m going to talk to my therapist about this too. I just needed to vent.

Captain of the Enterprise > Mercedes Streeter
03/25/2019 at 09:19

Hello, thanks for your comment, I live in Southeast Michigan about 40 minutes South of Detroit.

Captain of the Enterprise > TheJWT
03/25/2019 at 09:20

Thank you, I know that some people care about me, I have some really good mentors at college and my therapist. I’m glad Oppo cares too.

gin-san - shitpost specialist > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 09:22

Everybody’s gotta vent and find their own way of handling it , I hope you feel better soon.

Captain of the Enterprise > benjrblant
03/25/2019 at 09:22

Thanks for your comment. I’ve been working on trying to find a group activity for a while now. I think I’d like to get into something. I like photography and museums. I’m on the Meetup app, I need to spend some more time and find something on there to try out.

Captain of the Enterprise > jimz
03/25/2019 at 09:23

Thank you for the perspective.

Captain of the Enterprise > fhrblig
03/25/2019 at 09:24

Thank you, I have perfectionist tendencies and am a highly introverted so it’s hard to get out of my comfort zone. If I make a mistake I overthink it and make myself feel worse and it’s a bad cycle.

Captain of the Enterprise > Khalbali
03/25/2019 at 09:26

Thanks for your reply. I’ve been working in and out of therapy on meeting myself and forming my identity. I’m not anywhere near having that formed but I am working on it. We think it will be really beneficial for me though as I make progress on that.

Captain of the Enterprise > smobgirl
03/25/2019 at 09:27

Thanks for your response. It echos the general feel of all the responses with it being normal and difficult to have friends in adulthood. Normalizing it helps I think because otherwise it feel like people just don’t like me.

Captain of the Enterprise > phenotyp
03/25/2019 at 09:29

Thank you, I’ve been in therapy for 6-7 years now. Theres a lot to work on with me. I’m committed and working on fixing myself and it’s definitely helped me. I’m glad I have Oppo to talk to.

Captain of the Enterprise > Chariotoflove
03/25/2019 at 09:29

Thanks, I’m working on finding groups at college that are interested in what I’m interested in and finding some other volunteering activities since I like helping people.

Chuckles > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 09:31

Pinballmap.com is a great resource. Find a place that charges by the hour instead of by the game and go practice. You can find great YouTube videos for pretty much every game out there. Learn how the scoring works. And then find a monthly tournament and just go.

Captain of the Enterprise > Future Heap Owner
03/25/2019 at 09:32

Thank you! I’m really glad I have my therapist too, I don’t think I’d be here otherwise. We are covering cognitive distortions right now and I think this is one of the important ones to cover and pay attention too. I’m glad you pointed that out.

Captain of the Enterprise > diplodicus forgot his password
03/25/2019 at 09:33

We used to have two dogs but they both passed a couple years ago now. I miss them and was thinking about volunteering at an animal shelter.

diplodicus forgot his password > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 09:34

That sounds like a good plan.

Captain of the Enterprise > 404 - User No Longer Available
03/25/2019 at 09:34

Thank you, I think you’re right. I have a lot of deeper thoughts and like deeper conversation and don’t really like small talk. But I don’t think a lot of people are like that so it can be difficult to open up for me.

Captain of the Enterprise > gin-san - shitpost specialist
03/25/2019 at 09:35

Thank you.

Captain of the Enterprise > Chuckles
03/25/2019 at 09:36

Thank you again.

E92M3 > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 09:43

I’m 39 and I’m down to 2 real friends. I guess I have high st andards. If someone does something I don’t like, I’ll cut them out of my life. One example: shit talking or being jealous of someone else we know that happens to make more money than us. Why not just be happy for that person? They work hard, they are getting rew arded for it. Anot her example: I had another friend that would only ever call on his drive home from work. His wife would get upset if he talked to /texted frie nds when he was at home. Because of this and other ways she controlled him I just lost respect for him and felt like I was just helping him pass the time in traffic. It’s hard to find true friends that you can count on. Anyway, I believe the way you feel about yourself, your attitu de, your confidence, your energy is projected and received by others, and has a huge effect on what you get back. So don’t say “ no one would want to be friends with me" . Tell you rself you’d make an awesome friend, and think about what traits you have to offer. Empathy? Ability to listen? Trustworthy, etc.. Think about what you want in a friendship, and be willing to offer the same to others . Good luck.

Chuckles > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 09:44

Hey, no problem. And if pinball isn't for you that's fine. But like others have said, find something that you genuinely enjoy and then find other who enjoy it too. The friends part comes later. You can't go to a pinball tournament just to make friends, but if you go there to have fun, you will probably end up with friends. Kind of like how some people meet their future spouse at work, but you can't just go to work looking for a spouse. That's not why you're there.

404 - User No Longer Available > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 09:47

We live in a society where individuals thrive on extroversion. Introversion is seen as being weak, or put it bluntly, “the loudest person gets heard.”

One thing is to stop thinking what others think of you. Truth be told I’m probably the worst person to be telling you this, because this is also one weakness I have to work on.

Khalbali > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 10:04

Exactly, you’re certainly not the only person who feels lost or unsure, but it’s a lot easier for others to get to know you after you’ve gotten to know you. I think what happens is up until high school/college , nobody really knows much about yourself and that’s what they bond over, and as you grow up from there people kind of go different directions. I’m certainly not the person I thought I was back then, and I only even remotely keep in touch with 2 people from my high school and one from college.

Hamtractor > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 10:24

I’ve always been a “weirdo”. Not an introvert at all, ever, but the obnoxious opposite of that. Always felt like an outsider, never fit in anywhere. Always felt like people tolerated me or kept me around for entertainment value. It’s only been in the last few years (I’m 45 now) that I figured out that I am cool with who I am and that friends will come and go as life moves around us. My suggestion is much like the rest of them, to find things that fulfill you, and you will eventually find people similar to you. Don’t place a value o n your worth based on what people think, the world if full of people who will never care about you or any of us, friendships are hard. A real friend is hard to find, and hard to keep sometimes. Base your self-worth on what YOU consider your parameters for a good person... Hang in there brother...

fhrblig > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 10:31

I did the same thing for years, t hen I learned to gradually ignore those feelings and it does work. I t’s not going to be easy, but it’s worth it.

Captain of the Enterprise > E92M3
03/25/2019 at 11:14

Thank you

Captain of the Enterprise > Chuckles
03/25/2019 at 11:15

I see what you’re saying, thank you.

Captain of the Enterprise > 404 - User No Longer Available
03/25/2019 at 11:15

Thank you.

Captain of the Enterprise > Hamtractor
03/25/2019 at 11:17

Thank you, I like what you said. I’m working on setting my own expectations and figuring out what I need, want and actually like and what fulfills me. I think it’s really important.

Captain of the Enterprise > fhrblig
03/25/2019 at 11:18

Thank you, I think it will be worth it too.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 12:03

No one is ever really alone; the idea that we are though is what sucks

Hamtractor > Captain of the Enterprise
03/25/2019 at 12:26

I wish it hadn’t taken me nearly 40 years to figure it out, but meeting your own standards will eventually put you in a position to run into other with similar standards... I have very few friends, but the few friends I have would chop up the body and get rid of it for me...

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > VincentMalamute-Kim
03/25/2019 at 17:30

OPPO is good therapy, but it’s not enough. Humans are social creatures, and m ost people needs real, deep human connection. Sadly, it’s hard to find for many...

Kinja'd!!!

VincentMalamute-Kim > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com
03/25/2019 at 18:56

most people needs real, deep human connection

Absolutely agree . OP wouldn’t need to make this post otherwise.

Longtime Lurker > Captain of the Enterprise
03/26/2019 at 21:39

No advice just wanted to post in a bout of solidarity.

Captain of the Enterprise > Longtime Lurker
03/27/2019 at 07:24

Thank you