Chocolate Toast Crunch: The Oppositelock Review

"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck)
03/16/2019 at 22:47 • Filed to: Cereal

Cereal reviews are back after a long hiatus.

In shopping with my wife at our local WinCo Foods™, se insisted I try this for science. While I love chocolate like a fat guy loves, uh, chocolate, good chocolate cereals are few and far between. The inability to properly balance sugar additives with the “cocoa” powder leaves most of these either too sweet, or bland and chalky. I wouldn’t even describe myself as cautiously optimistic when I first touched this box: I was a skeptic.

- Scent:

Sells almost exactly like Cocoa Pebbles. But no cereal can out-chocolate those... The surface area and density of the Crunch brand isn’t set up to compete with that standard. Again, my skepticism grew.

- Quality of Adhesion:

Excellent. Everything isn’t swept away immediately into the bath of milk like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, nor is the lake dark brown like Cocoa Puffs.

- Longevity of Texture:

Well above average. This was crunchy to the last bite.

- Pleasantness of Residual Milk:

I know several people who don’t drink the milk at the bottom of a bowl. Frankly, these people can burn in hell.

This milk exceeded my expectations. It was smooth, with no grittiness, almost like a glass of milk with but a droplet of Hershey’s syrup mixed, like from days long since passed.

- But how does it taste?

Oh right. The taste... It was not at all what I expected. Nothing like Cocoa Pebbles, but also not drab or sad like Chocolate Honey Bunches of Oats. It was appropriately sweet. Further, each bite seemed to have a stronger dose of cinnamon. I daresay, yes, the cinnamon is what sets thus apart from other ineffective chocolate attempts seen throughout the cereal world.

- So, has it earned a place in the rotation?

I’m not yet sure. I think I need to consume the entire box before I make such a verdict. When I had Blueberry Toast Crunch, I knew from bite one that it was never going to find its way in my pantry. But this Chocolate Toast Crunch... this has some potential. It’s novel enough to stand alone, but be warned that it’s not a superior chocolate flavor. It is however a superior *cinnamon-chocolate* experience.

Thanks for reading.

DISCUSSION (33)

lone_liberal > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 22:51

This is relevant to my interests. I haven't seen it on the grocery shelves yet but I might have to give it a shot.

MM54 > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 22:56

Have you had the chocolate & peanut butter cheerios? They’re good.

That said, I eat raisin bran every morning like the crotchety old man that I am, so what do I know.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 22:56

Kinja'd!!!

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > MM54
03/16/2019 at 22:56

I will consider it for a future review

For Sweden > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 22:58

Do you think General Mills needs the cut down on it's number of badges?

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > For Sweden
03/16/2019 at 23:01

While I would typically criticize them, it’s simply a matter of an Expand or Die paranoia. Look at your cereal isle the next time you shop — the number of varieties of the same type of cereal is a growing epidemic across all major brands. There are at least 7 flavors of Kellogg's frosted mini wheats alone.

wafflesnfalafel > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 23:02

I prefer the wild fun and bright colors of Froot Loops... (except they tear up the roof of your mouth if you eat too many...)

7:07 > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 23:08

This is what I needed in my life. And these were on hiatus? I don’t remember seeing them before and I’ve been here a while.

BaconSandwich is tasty. > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 23:08

Speaking of that, have you tried the chocolate mini wheats?

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > BaconSandwich is tasty.
03/16/2019 at 23:10

Of course I have. And my hot take on those is —

[CLIK HEAR TO SUBSCRIB]

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > 7:07
03/16/2019 at 23:10

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/blueberry-toast-crunch-the-oppositelock-review-1820496289

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 23:18

... there are more efficient ways to kill yourself.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks
03/16/2019 at 23:20

Yeah, like not allowing yourself to enjoy cereal

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 23:24

That’s because there’s

Frosted Mini Wheats

Strawberry Frosted Mini Wheats

Blueberry Frosted Mini Wheats

Cinnamon Frosted Mini Wheats

Chocolate Frosted Mini Wheats

Frosted Mini Wheats Pumpkin Spice Edition

MOTHERFUCKERS, BRING BACK MY BITE SIZE FROSTED APPLE

Frosted Mini Wheats Touch of Fruit in the Middle Raspberry (abbreviated as ‘LIES’ because LIES.)

Frosted Mini Wheats Bite Size

Little Bites (waitwhat?)

Big Bite

Unfrosted Because I Hate Myself Or Just Didn’t Read The Fucking Box

Mini Whats

Frosted Mini Why The Fuck Not Yet Another Flavor

Cardboard

I mean come on, it’s really not that hard.

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 23:38

I have had Chocolate Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

I certainly wouldn’t describe it as enjoyable, and I’m not sure I’d describe it as cereal either.

(Then again, people insist I must be insane for liking French Toasters and Golden Puffs.)

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 23:39

I would just like to remind you that you’re too young to eat breakfast cereal. We’re supposed to be killing the industry along with rejecting mass produced beer like good millennials.

Your penance for this is six months of daily avocado toast with no pepper.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Eric @ opposite-lock.com
03/16/2019 at 23:41

Can the toast be at least 100% whole wheat? I'm not an animal, for God's sake!

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 23:42

I saw this chocolate one and it kinda freaked me out. I have good childhood memories of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, in spite of your apparent hate of it.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/16/2019 at 23:44

Kinja'd!!!

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Eric @ opposite-lock.com
03/16/2019 at 23:47

Really, though, the only bread you can’t use for proper avocado toast is white bread. Could you imagine avocado toast with W onder B read?! I think we’re killing that stuff, too.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks
03/16/2019 at 23:51

The only honest shredded wheat is the big unfrosted ones that my grandparents always had around their house and Weetabix.

Chariotoflove > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/17/2019 at 00:20

I know several people who don’t drink the milk at the bottom of a bowl. Frankly, these people can burn in hell.

My wife is one of these. I’m not really sure how we’ve stayed married this long.

FTTOHG Has Moved to https://opposite-lock.com > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/17/2019 at 00:25

This is why I come to Oppo. Also it sounds like it tastes like Mexican chocolate which I like and now I have to try this.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Eric @ opposite-lock.com
03/17/2019 at 00:31

You foolish, foolish, fool. I only try cereals that I think I might actually enjoy. These being step-siblings of Cinnamon Toast Crunch should probably heavily hint to you that I have an affection towards the aforementioned original.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Eric @ opposite-lock.com
03/17/2019 at 00:32

I would be happy to be blamed for killing off more shitty products

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > Eric @ opposite-lock.com
03/17/2019 at 00:35

Just as long as it wasn’t Frosted Shredded When. Breakfast paradoxes are never fun.

gin-san - shitpost specialist > wafflesnfalafel
03/17/2019 at 00:41

It’s not fair that something so tasty is so devastating to the inside of your rmouth.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/17/2019 at 00:52

I somehow misinterpreted that part of the post.

*high fives*

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Chariotoflove
03/17/2019 at 00:58

I thought that civilized people only put barely enough milk in the bowl to ensure there’s minimal milk remaining, then they consume it with a spoon...

Chariotoflove > Eric @ opposite-lock.com
03/17/2019 at 01:43

But then you don’t have cereal-flavored milk. This is wasting the milky goodness that we were all intended to have.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Chariotoflove
03/17/2019 at 01:53

You still have cereal flavored milk.

diplodicus forgot his password > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
03/17/2019 at 08:21

I would like you to review promiseland chocolate milk next

Chariotoflove > Eric @ opposite-lock.com
03/17/2019 at 12:48

But not enough.