The Morning Sh*t – Your Daily TL;DR Summary of Jalopnik for 3/14/2018

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78) 03/14/2018 at 10:25 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire

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Welcome to The Morning Sh*t! Saaavveeed by Zeeerrrrooooo.

1 st Wipe : 16 states want to make their own rules and hold the rest of the country hostage because their economic power and solidarity allows for it. But the Federal Government isn’t too happy with this idea and wants these states to get back in line. I’ve never heard of anything like this happening before.

2 nd Wipe : For the third time in a decade, VW insists they’ll double in size in the US — to a whopping 5% market share (which they haven’t had since 1970, when everyone was too high to realize what they just bought).

3 rd Wipe : South Korean government stepping up its efforts to save GM there. Naturally, GM is declining because they would never take government money. Just kidding, it’s going great and they will probably want more.

4 th Wipe : Tesla has lost two senior financial execs in recent weeks. Hold on, their outgoing treasurer was named Susan Repo ?

5 th Wipe : Toyota raising base salaries by about $12 a month, which is still enough to pay for a better ad agency.

Flush : John Mack, founder of the eponymous heavy-duty truck maker, died today in 1922 when his car hit a trolley. In memoriam, the gold standard metaphor for giant moving objects was changed from the insensitive “trolley” to “Mack Truck.”

OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars > Ash78, voting early and often 03/14/2018 at 10:32

3

Dang. This is your best one yet. All 5 wipes were Cottonelle Ultra Mega Soft 25 ply good.

WilliamsSW > Ash78, voting early and often 03/14/2018 at 10:33

0

The Fixx is in!

random001 > Ash78, voting early and often 03/14/2018 at 10:37

1

Not as good as yesterday, but still good.

Ash78, voting early and often > random001 03/14/2018 at 10:39

5

Epic rap battles with myself are exhausting :D

Aremmes > Ash78, voting early and often 03/14/2018 at 10:42

1

Have I got an earworm now? Have I got an earworm now!

WilliamsSW > Aremmes 03/14/2018 at 10:45

0

vondon302 > Ash78, voting early and often 03/14/2018 at 10:46

2

This is starting to be the highlight of my work day.

Keep it going until I get a better job please.

Ash78, voting early and often > vondon302 03/14/2018 at 10:48

3

Or I’ll keep it going until I get a better job!

random001 > Ash78, voting early and often 03/14/2018 at 11:03

1

I completely understand, and accept this. But now I will forever be pining for the next one...

Chariotoflove > random001 03/14/2018 at 19:26

0

Stop encouraging him. Dad Rap is a public health menace.

The Compromiser > Ash78, voting early and often 03/14/2018 at 21:33

1

1st wipe. Nice.

Your know Canada had a civil war once. It was a bar fight, and the only person who was shot was an American.

Ash78, voting early and often > The Compromiser 03/14/2018 at 22:08

1

Reparations: Poutine for Everyone! Even the English.

The Compromiser > Ash78, voting early and often 03/14/2018 at 22:55

1

I had poutine already today! But as the saying goes, “the only thing better than poutine once, is poutine twice!”

I sure it sounds better in it’s native quebequois...

random001 > Chariotoflove 03/15/2018 at 06:29

1

As a dad, I can not support your position on the matter. *mic drop*