"KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time" (kngt)
10/01/2018 at 12:41 • Filed to: the onion, satire, autumn, fall
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"KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time" (kngt)
10/01/2018 at 12:41 • Filed to: the onion, satire, autumn, fall | 3
| 17 |
!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!
BOSTON—The twigs and acorns crunching pleasurably beneath his boots, Mr. Autumn Man Dennis Clemons, 32, reportedly strolled down Massachusetts Avenue on Wednesday wearing a gray sweater over a plaid collared shirt as he cradled a cup of pumpkin-spiced coffee and relished the crisp October morning.
“Nothing beats autumn in New England,” said His Excellency, the Duke of Fall, who began the day swaddled in a warm flannel blanket, gazing out the window at the golden-hued landscape, as is his custom this time of year. “Everywhere the leaves are changing and the temperature is starting to drop off. You can smell it in the air.”
“Tonight it may even dip into the 30s,” added the cozy autumnal personage, who at several points wrapped both hands around his warm container of coffee and inhaled deeply. “Perfect weather for building a fire.”
Mr. Fall, who sources speculate loves Thanksgiving, butternut squash soup, homecoming parades, “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” apple-picking, and haunted hayrides, emerges reliably every year around this time in his traditional uniform, sometimes alternating his iconic sweater with a fleece vest or pullover.
The Autumnal Ambassador is also believed to be an avid consumer of seasonal produce, his home and hearth redolent of roasting Indian corn, gourds, and other root vegetables.
“I’m thinking about taking a trip to Salem with my girlfriend this weekend,” said Mr. Autumn Man, trying to decide whether to wear beige or brown corduroy pants for the excursion with his leather-gloved counterpart, Ms. Autumn Woman. “The variety of colors is incredible once you get out of the city.”
“Between the trees and the forest floo r, it’s like a giant mural,” continued the veritable High Priest of the Harvest Season, adding that he would soon have to rake his driveway, an activity for which he will most certainly don a cashmere scarf.
Sources said that in addition to snuggling up on the couch sipping hot apple cider and watching Meet Me In St. Louis on DVD, Mr. Autumn Man will also spend part of the weekend meeting up with his friends, the Autumn Gang, to watch fall sports and eat fall snacks.
“Getting together with the guys for football and wings is kind of like a tradition,” said the walking, talking essence of the Northern Hemisphere’s annual tilt away from the sun. “From pretty much September onwards, no Sunday afternoon feels complete without it.”
“You’ve got to take it all in and enjoy it while you still can, though, because December will be here in the blink of an eye,” he added.
Ash78, voting early and often
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 12:47 |
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Mr. Extended Southern Summer here, just checking in to report that Swamp Ass is still in full effect and the falling leaves are mostly due to wilting from a prolonged drought in July and August. Another shingle just fell of f my roof yesterday on the western side. I got 6 fire ant bites one ankle this weekend during my son’s football game, after which he had to lie down from heat exhaustion.
/all true
Chariotoflove
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 12:51 |
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It’s important to note that the most common species sports a Starbucks cup, although other breeds may be found with Peet’s, or even Se attle’s Best. Geneticists hypothesize that these species may breed amongst themselves, but that such genetic mixing is hampered by arguments over which coffee brand is better, arguments that can escalate before successful copulation can occur. Studies have shown that certain cocktail mixtures, if pre-applied, may be able to dull these territorial tendencies and ultimately allow diversification amongst herds.
nerd_racing
> Ash78, voting early and often
10/01/2018 at 12:52 |
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I’m driving the Autozam down to an event in Raleigh NC this weekend, I really hope I don’t get too soggy. My buddies at Festiva Madness really want to see it.
gmporschenut also a fan of hondas
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 12:56 |
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Shit. I’m wearing that exact same shirt. No sweater though
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KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
> gmporschenut also a fan of hondas
10/01/2018 at 13:01 |
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FOUND HIM!
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gmporschenut also a fan of hondas
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 13:14 |
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Jokes on you, I don’t have a beard... or crap giving details away... or maybe I do?
Highlander-Datsuns are Forever
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 13:16 |
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You know that 100% of his wardrobe is from the Fall 2018 Lands End catalogue.
smobgirl
> nerd_racing
10/01/2018 at 13:16 |
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How do you like it? Not that I’m getting bored with driving the same car after 4 years or anything...
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smobgirl
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 13:17 |
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‘‘Tis the season for hipsterjacks.
Textured Soy Protein
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 13:17 |
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10 day forecast for the DC burbs:
I love it but my wife is all like, “when’s fall getting here?!”
Spanfeller is a twat
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 13:40 |
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Here the rain season is ending, and that means temperatures will rise to unbearable. 27c is too much for me. I’m used to not needing to run the AC on my car and Fall always fucks with me. I can’t wait for winter.
BigBlock440
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 13:41 |
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The Autumnal Ambassador is also believed to be an avid consumer of seasonal produce, his home and hearth redolent of roasting Indian corn, gourds, and other root vegetables
WTF does that even mean? Neither of those are root vegetables, nor is fall particularly known for root vegetables. I can’t wait for thanksgiving and the traditional carrot pie...
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nerd_racing
> smobgirl
10/01/2018 at 14:06 |
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The Autozam is as amazing as billed. I’m a bigger guy and get sore some from long drives, but to me it is worth every bit. If you ever wondered what Go-Karting every day legally on the roads is like, you’d love it.
Snailkite
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 14:47 |
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Shit that sounds really nice
user314
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 14:49 |
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Now we know what Pajama Boy wears to go out...
wkiernan
> KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
10/01/2018 at 15:49 |
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Where I’m at it’s about 92° F., with 70% humidity.
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KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time
> wkiernan
10/01/2018 at 15:53 |
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