Life advice distilled into four words: Don't be this guy

"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats) 02/20/2017 at 08:34 • Filed to: Life advice

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I need new lenses for my glasses and I was reading reviews on Yelp when I came across the worst person in the world.

Lesson 1: don’t be so starved for attention from the fairer sex that you confuse “being paid to not insult you to your face” as a sign of interest. Also, if you do, don’t announce your patheticness to all of the internet by leaving a review that consists of “a girl paid to interact with me pleasantly interacted with me pleasantly.”

Lesson 2: Don’t compare black people to cockroaches and refer to “human infestations.”

Lesson 3: Gay panic: try to avoid it.

Lesson 4: Don’t insult a goddamn institution. Also, don’t refer to Coke repeatedly as a “beverage.”

Lesson 5: Fuck off.

In summary, don’t be this guy.

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/20/2017 at 08:42

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Yikes. Vegan Jay needs a hobby.

Honeybunchesofgoats > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 02/20/2017 at 08:45

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He plucked a guitar string once and it made a noise, so he’s pretty sure he can play like Hendrix

Nibby > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/20/2017 at 08:52

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Bourbon&JellyBeans > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/20/2017 at 09:13

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I suppose that if the nice interaction with the cute girl at the first place went *that* well, she would have made known whether or not she was single. Sorry, Jay.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Bourbon&JellyBeans 02/20/2017 at 09:18

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“Are you seeing anyone?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“I notice you didn’t say ‘yes,’ m’lady.”

spanfucker retire bitch > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/20/2017 at 09:21

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*tips fedora*

yamahog > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/20/2017 at 09:42

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Holy shit, Jay.

DrJohannVegas > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 02/20/2017 at 09:47

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I dunno, he seems like the kind of dude who makes informing others of his veganism his job AND his hobby.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/20/2017 at 09:48

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Somehow, I think the one that bothers me most is the ice cream one. You find a fucking ice cream parlor that actually caters to your dipshit desire for vegan-ice-thing-that-isn’t-cream, AND STILL BITCH THAT IT’S A TOURIST TRAP AND YOUR FUCKING ‘BEVERAGE’ OF COKE DOESN’T STAY ICE COLD BECAUSE THE FREEZER ISN’T CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE REGISTER.

Flynorcal: pilot, offshore sailor, car racer and panty thief > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/20/2017 at 10:21

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He sounds like the type of guy who would should up single to a swingers party and complain that there aren’t enough women.

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > DrJohannVegas 02/20/2017 at 10:33

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My cousin is a vegan, and he might be the only one on Earth who keeps it to himself. I’ve never successfully listened to a whole sentence that starts with “I’m a vegan, and...”

DrJohannVegas > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 02/20/2017 at 11:48

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Here’s a joke: You hear the one about the vegan libertarian marathoner?

Of course you have.

yamahog > Flynorcal: pilot, offshore sailor, car racer and panty thief 02/20/2017 at 12:00

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Oh sweet gourd, that is spot on

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > DrJohannVegas 02/20/2017 at 12:24

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We can go all the way out to “vegan libertarian marathoner from Texas who went to Harvard” and keep the punchline.

DrJohannVegas > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 02/20/2017 at 13:32

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Yea, I rework it from time to time depending on the crowd. Got a lot of UChicago grads where I am, so they get tossed in there from time to time.

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > DrJohannVegas 02/20/2017 at 13:56

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question: You meet a Vegan Cross-Fit instructor, which does he/she tell you about first?

NJAnon > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 02/20/2017 at 14:58

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Because vegans have superpowers. Maybe he doesn’t want all that attention.....yet.

DrJohannVegas > JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t 02/20/2017 at 16:04

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Whatever it is, it 100% has to do with you “doing something wrong”.

Stef Schrader > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/20/2017 at 17:05

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Zomg, what was the ice cream parlor?

Also, ew. Spot on: don’t be this guy.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Stef Schrader 02/21/2017 at 08:20

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http://www.franklinfountain.com/

Franklin Fountain!