What car is that NFL player? AFC South edition

"Ross Kraz" (ropstafer)
09/12/2015 at 15:55 • Filed to: what car is that nfl player, what car is that player, afc south, titans, texans, jaguars, colts

(I love cars. I love NFL football. Let’s combine the two and compare some star players to automobiles. In this post: teams of the AFC South )

Indianapolis Colts

Andrew Luck, QB: Ford Shelby Mustang GT350R

Why? Andrew Luck and the GT350R are each, in their own respective ways, the new standard in performance. The street-going version of the 2016 GT350R has around 525 horsepower and gets to 60 miles per hour in about 4 seconds. The racing spec version of the Mustang, the GT350R-C is tearing up the IMSA circuit this season with multiple victories including a 1-2 finish at Lime Rock. Luck, in just his third season, led all quarterbacks in 2014 with 40 touchdown passes. He also has the NFL record for the most passing yards for any player in their first 3 seasons. Because of their early successes, these two both have the competition racing to catch up. (Photo credits: USA Today, Business Wire)

Robert Mathis, DE/OLB: Ram 1500

Why? When someone says “pickup truck”, what comes to mind? Usually, it’s the F-150 and Silverado. The Ram tends to be that awkward third wheel. In the same way that the Ram often gets overlooked, Robert Mathis is hardly ever remembered during discussions of today’s best pass rushers. Even among Colts greats, the answer is usually Dwight Freeney. But there the Ram and Mathis are, absolutely getting the job done behind the scenes. To answer the Hemi’s 410 pound-feet of torque, Mathis has 111 career sacks and has caused 42 strip sacks resulting in a fumble. The latter stat is an NFL all-time record. Mathis will continue to anchor the defense this season as the Colts look ready for a title run. (Photo credits: NFL.com, Ramtrucks.com)

Jacksonville Jaguars

Blake Bortles, QB: Pontiac G6

Why? Pontiac, now defunct, arguably did not produce a good car in its last 3 decades of existence. The last great Pontiac was either the Bandit Trans Am or the early 70’s GTO (for the purposes of this discussion, I am ignoring the FR Firebird). Ever since that time, they have toyed with us. They turned the Grand Prix into a plastic, front wheel drive, quality nightmare; they brought back the legendary GTO name and put it on a conservative, oval-shaped design that flopped instantly; and then they gave us multiple sub-standard cars like the Grand Am, Vibe, and G6. Similarly, the Jaguars have not had a real quarterback since their expansion days with Mark Brunell. Since then, its been Byron Leftwich, David Garrard, Blaine Gabbert, Chad Henne, and now Bortles. In the way that Pontiac was killed off in 2009, Bortles may be the QB that kills the Jaguars and gets them moved to another city unless he can improve on his 2014 rookie season passer rating of 69.5. (Photo credits: USA Today, Car and Driver)

Denard Robinson, QB/RB/WR: Amphicar Model 770

Why? Robinson, a college quarterback at Michigan, led the Jaguars in rushing in 2014 and is now listed as a WR in 2015. He does a little bit of everything but doesn’t really do anything particularly well. He is a guy that you want in desperate times because he can do it all. Comparatively, the Amphicar’s dual purpose as car and boat may come in handy in, say, a post-apocalyptic setting. But in every day use, the car has a top speed of just 70 mph on land and 7 knots on the water, hardly satisfactory or even necessary. (Photo credits: CBS Sports, Amphicar.com)

Tennessee Titans

Marcus Mariota, QB: Dodge Dart

Why? Dodge has had many attempts at the compact car market that caused some excitement but have not been regarded as quality cars in the long term. Models include the Shadow, the Neon, and the God-awful Caliber. The Dart, however, seems to be a perfect fit in this market, but its long term success is still unknown. Similarly, Mariota has hit the ground running this off-season and impressed scouts with his performance in training camp and pre-season play. History, unfortunately, is not on his side. The Titans have had little luck with high profile quarterbacks in the past such as Vince Young and Jake Locker. In addition, Mariota’s alma mater Oregon has produced some of the greatest busts in NFL history at the position including Akili Smith, A.J. Feeley, Joey Harrington, and Kellen Clemens. (Photo credits: ESPN, JD Power)

David Cobb, RB: Toyota Tacoma TRD with a flat tire

Why? Rookie David Cobb comes into the 2015 looking to be the next Minnesota running back to have success as a punishing NFL running back like Laurence Maroney and Marion Barber. The TRD, or Hilux, has always excelled in its off road abilities. Cobb’s future looks promising, except he begins the season on the sideline with a torn calf muscle which should keep him inactive for the first 8 games. It’s very unfortunate, but as soon as the flat tire is fixed, he should provide some much-needed excitement in Nashville. (Photo credits: NFL.com, Car and Driver)

Houston Texans

Arian Foster, RB: TVR Tuscan

Why? These two both have a feel-good, underdog story that you just want to cheer for. TVR was a sports car company that basically started in a garage in the UK and went on to develop some of the most exciting cars of the early 2000’s. Foster, an undrafted free agent signed by the Texans in 2009, has earned his way every step, becoming a 4 time Pro Bowler and the 2010 league leader in rushing yards. However, these two also share quality issues. The Tuscan was never known for reliability, and TVR has had a cycle of bankruptcy and ownership changes as a result. Foster has been hampered by multiple injuries over the past few seasons. He starts this season on the inactive list after a groin injury, but everyone wants to see him back on the field and slicing through defenses. (Photo credits: CBS Sports, car-catalog.com)

J.J. Watt, DE: Mercedes G63 AMG 6x6

Why? Two time AP Defensive Player of the Year J.J. Watt has eclipsed 20 sacks in a season twice. He is a beast at 6’5” 289 pounds that threw up 34 bench reps of 225 pounds at the combine. The G wagon has 560 ft-lbs of torque and six 37” tall tires that allow it to wade into water 39” deep. It is the ultimate production off-roading machine. Plus, Watt is tall with blonde hair and blue eyes; yup, he’s definitely a Mercedes. (Photo credits: ESPN, Motortrend)

BONUS Brian Cushing, ILB: Brian’s Eclipse from The Fast and the Furious

Why? Don’t get me wrong: Cushing is a beast that I would not want to upset. However, he’s a pretty-boy (Brian Earl Spilner), he was suspended for using performance enhancing drugs (like using Nitrous Oxide), and he has had multiple injuries in recent years (“Danger to Manifold!!!”). (Photo credits: KHOU Houston, Rotten Tomatoes)

DISCUSSION (8)

Steve in Manhattan > Ross Kraz
09/12/2015 at 16:47

This Jets fan’s favorite player is Nick Mangold :

Kinja'd!!!

Ross Kraz > Steve in Manhattan
09/14/2015 at 09:54

That definitely would have been a good choice for him. But after Doug's more recent videos showing the true quality of that beast, I think it would have been more of an insult. Gotta say though, nice win yesterday over the Browns!

Steve in Manhattan > Ross Kraz
09/14/2015 at 18:44

Well, it’s not like we beat the Patriots, but I’ll take it. Didn’t even see the game because we were out (again) looking at apartments. I know when to shut my mouth and go along with her plans.