What car is that NFL player? NFC North edition

"Ross Kraz" (ropstafer) 09/12/2015 at 03:30 • Filed to: what car is that nfl player, what car is that player, nfc north, vikings, packers, bears, lions

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(I love cars. I love NFL football. Let’s combine the two and compare some star players to automobiles. In this post: teams of the NFC North )

Minnesota Vikings

Adrian Peterson, RB: Chevrolet Corvette

Why? Adrian Peterson, when on the field, has been one of the most successful running backs in league history. He comes into the 2015 season ranked third among active NFL players with 10,190 rushing yards. He trails Steven Jackson and Frank Gore, both of which are two years older and one of which isn’t even on a team. Peterson continues to excel as his career progresses. After a year off to rest, workout and get even stronger for a suspension, he looks poised for another run at the rushing title. In his last full season of play, 2012, he came just eight yards shy. Looking back through the years, the Corvette and Adrian Peterson have two things in common: they get better with every new year and they have always carried their entire teams. The Corvette made its production debut with the 1953 model. Each of the seven generations of Corvette have been an improvement from the last. Some argue that the exception is the 4th generation (1984-1996), but it started the wedge shape that has defined the Corvette design language ever since. Peterson was thought to have a set back after tearing his ACL — he answered with his aforementioned 2,097 yard season. The Corvette started as America’s Sports Car and has become America’s Supercar , representing domestic motoring in the face the foreign competition year after year. Peterson has always always carried his mediocre Vikings in his 8 seasons; he IS the Vikings. (Photo credits: CBS, Car and Driver)

Cordarrelle Patterson, WR: Porsche Boxster

Why? Average people, including myself, fail to to correctly pronounce his name. I have to confess that when I started this post, I thought it was pronounced Core-duh-REL. That is incorrect, despite many announcers making my same mistake on Sundays. My fiancé was right; it’s CORE-dare-uhl. However, I did win one small battle: it’s pronounced “Porsha”, not just “Porsh”. This was confirmed by a German foreign exchange student that we met. Anyway, the Boxster S does 0-60 in 4.1 seconds with 315 horsepower. Even with the emergence of Grand Valley State product Charles Johnson and the addition of an aging Mike Wallace, Patterson should be able to use his quickness and 4.42 forty time to get more involved in this offense and take the load off of Mr. Stingray up there. (Photo credits: Star Tribune, Porsche)

Detroit Lions

Calvin Johnson, WR: Max D Monster Truck

Why? Megatron is a very fitting nickname for this all-star, un-coverable freak of an athlete. But Megatron transforms into a gun, a jet plane, or a tank depending on the series, and none of those is quite right. Johnson is a perfect combination of size and athleticism at 6’5” 236 lbs with a 4.35 40-time and 42.5” vertical leap. It has led to him to become the only player in NFL history to reach 5,000 yards over a span of three consecutive years, including a record setting 1,964 in 2012. Tom Meents, as the driver of Maximum Destruction, has won 11 World Finals Championships (6 in racing, 5 in freestyle). The truck is equipped with a supercharged 540 cubic inch V8 that makes 1,500 horsepower and can haul the 5+ ton machine to 60 MPH in under 7 seconds. Similar to Johnson humiliating cornerbacks with his hangtime, Max D was the first to complete a backflip. Johnson’s size and mobility just isn’t equaled by anything else. (Photo credits: Yahoo Sports, Monster Jam)

Matthew Stafford, QB: Hyundai Tiburon

Why? Ahh, the Tiburon. Do you remember when it was considered to be a stylish sports car? Getting to 60 MPH took 6.9 seconds—quick-ish for its time but today even a Fiesta ST will do better. The design, along with its chubby face, hasn’t aged well. Do you remember when Stafford was an “elite” quarterback and a fantasy stud? In 2011 he had a passer rating of 97.2, threw 41 touchdowns, and become one of five players to ever eclipse 5,000 passing yards in a single season. In the three seasons that have followed, he has failed to reach 30 touchdowns and his best rating was 85.7. He isn’t aging well as a player, chubby face included. He looks like an obese version of Danny Noonan. (Photo credits: USA Today, Car and Driver)

Green Bay Packers

Aaron Rodgers, QB: BMW M5 (E60)

Why? The E60 M5 had a hard act to follow when it took over for the E39 in 2005. Following a 3 time MVP Brett Favre, Rodgers has been able to fill the shoes with 2 MVP awards of his own. This is hugely due to to his calculated, precise performances; he is a technical passer that does not make mistakes. His career touchdown to interception ratio is 226:57, the highest in NFL history. This is an especially impressive way to outshine Favre, who holds the record for most career interceptions. The M5 was full of new electronics and computer settings, which can be as frustrating as Rodgers when he takes a sack instead of forcing a throw. But when in M mode, the Bimmer performs in a way that made Jeremy Clarkson describe it as “automotive perfection”. This is not to discredit either of their predecessors; all M5’s are brilliant cars, and NFL.com named the Packers as the number one rated quarterback franchise with Starr, Favre, and Rodgers. So, #12 is just one fantastic generation in the M5 series. (Photo credits: NFL, Top Gear)

Clay Matthews, LB: VW Rabbit

Why? Right now, you may be confused. This does seem a bit odd, but let me explain. Next time you watch the old Green and Gold, pay close attention to Clay Matthews. Before the snap, he is bouncing around to show different blitzes. During the play, any movement is started with a small hop. If he gets a sack, he take a giant leap before spreading his arms like Atlas holding the Earth. He is constantly jumping around like a bunny rabbit. I did not notice this until my brother-in-law pointed it out, and, trust me, the wascally wabbit cannot be unseen. Now, it isn’t all negative. The Rabbit helped establish Volkswagen’s presence and success domestically and internationally. Volkswagen went from a quirky builder of Beetles and Buses to a household name that also now owns Audi, Bentley, Bugatti, Lamborghini, and Porsche. Volkswagen could not have its current market share if not for the success of the Rabbit, or Golf as it is now known. A similar story can be said for the Packers organization, which has been transformed into a perennial powerhouse, largely based on the efforts of Clay Matthews during their 2010-2011 Super Bowl run. (Photo credits: Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Road & Track)

Chicago Bears

Jared Allen, DE/OLB: Lifted Chevrolet K5 Blazer

Why? Look at this barbarian, gargantuan, lumberjack of a man. While occasionally sporting long hair, a beard, and/or a bandana, Allen has sacked the quarterback 134 times over 11 seasons with the Chiefs, Vikings, and Bears. He wears #69 and knows exactly why its funny; he probably laughs at it every time he puts it on. Allen is a full-size, body-on-frame, ‘Murica powered Blazer, a vehicle driven by burly rednecks and Sasquatch alike. Mud tires included. Gun rack sold separately. (Photo credits: Chicago Tribune, Fourwheeler.com)

Matt Forte, RB: Mega Track off-road supercar

Why? Forte could also have been compared to the M5 as he is the next great running back in a storied Bears history. He is, after all, second in team career rushing yards. However, he has not yet reached the levels of Gale Sayers, who averaged 5.0 yards per carry, and Walter Payton, who still holds the Bears record by over 9,000 yards. So, Forte isn’t an M5. However, Forte is also second in team history with 443 receptions and only trails the leader, (Payton again) by 49. Forte is the ultimate dual threat receiving and rushing back, which is why he compares to the world’s only off-road supercar. 400 horsepower, 12 cylinders, four wheel drive, aggressive wedge styling, and plenty of ground clearance provide the perfect car to have fun on and off the trails. Unfortunately, only five were built. Excellence is often rare, as in the case of the Mega Track and Matt Forte. (Photo credits: Sports World Report, Supercars.net)

BONUS Jay Cutler, QB: Hearse

Why? Despite rosters packed with talent in recent years, Chicago has failed to maintain any success. The team is now at a low point, predicted to finish last in the division, and Jay Cutler brought them here. He has carried this franchise to its symbolic death. His contract, seven years worth $126 million, is crippling to the team’s salary cap. His lackluster performance and poor leadership in key moments has led to the termination of multiple coaches including Lovie Smith and Marc Trestman. To raise this franchise from the dead, many fans have started turning to a different JC — Jimmy Clausen, that is. (Photo credits: CBS Sports, How Stuff Works)

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > Ross Kraz 09/12/2015 at 03:35

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Jay cutler is the funkiest fuck of all fucks

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Ross Kraz 09/12/2015 at 08:43

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But Corvettes don't whip children in the testicles.

ly2v8-Brian > Ross Kraz 09/12/2015 at 10:01

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AP should be a truck with a snowplow with a NASCAR engine. Speed and power to ram through defenders.

TheDoubleEntAndres > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 13:52

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Funny indeed, but let’s be clear — Cutler didn’t get Trestman fired. Trestman was doing a fine job of heading that way on his own lol.

Ross Kraz > TheDoubleEntAndres 09/16/2015 at 13:53

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Ehh...chicken or the egg. Great username by the way.

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:05

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Again, gold

primalzer > TheDoubleEntAndres 09/16/2015 at 14:06

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Trestman was in over his head, plus his coordinators were just about the worst. But Cutler has gotten how many headcoaches fired now?

Dr Emilio Lizardo > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:39

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I don’t want to look like a Cutler apologist, but you are giving him a raw deal here. The team is not “packed with talent,” they had historically bad defense the last two years and it doesn’t look much better this year. Prior to that, they insisted that numerous stiffs could play offensive line and wide receiver (they couldn’t). His salary has not prevented them from doing anything. No players have been let go for cap reasons. They have not been unable to pursue free agents. He did not get any of his coaches fired, the GM’s inability to acquire adequate talent and their own failings did that.

While Cutler has not been all that good, unless he has been in charge of drafting for the last 10 years, or if he hired Emery and Trestman, he isn’t the biggest problem they have.

TVs_Frank > primalzer 09/16/2015 at 15:02

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Cutler didn’t allow 50+ points in back-to-back games.

primalzer > TVs_Frank 09/16/2015 at 15:15

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That would be the fault of our wonderful D-coordinator...who couldn’t even find a college coordinator job, he was so bad, after he got fired

JCBadger34 > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 15:17

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Giving Corduroy Patterson any kind of functional car renders this entire series useless. As does the fact that the author seems to think he’ll make any meaningful contribution to their offense to take the pressure of Peterson and anyone else. Should have probably talked to Magary over at Deadspin about his team first. Even the most die-hard Vikings fans have finally realized he’s a major bust and at this point, their 4th WR at best.

A better car comparison would have been something like a drag racer. Great if all you’re looking for is something that can accelerate quickly and reach a high top speed. But useless if you want it to do anything else.

James > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 16:02

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Adrian Peterson: Beater

GhostOfGregGagne > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 16:09

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Jared Allen is a known Ford man. A Bronco would be more appropriate.

thrux > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 09/16/2015 at 16:14

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You mean Gould

Ross Kraz > GhostOfGregGagne 09/16/2015 at 16:17

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True. But the early broncos didn't have enough power to be Allen. And the later generation already belongs to one player and one player only: O.J. Simpson

Kaufmania: Mark Webber's Stunt Double > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 16:22

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Cutler - 100%

Go Packers!

FatBuddha > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 18:37

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Wouldn’t it make more sense for Cutler to be a very expensive car that massively under performs for its cost? A hearse should be reserved for a player that is keeping their team moving forward even though the team is dead weight.

UncleToad > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 18:39

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Wait, Jay Cutler isn’t a Packer? I could never tell.

Ross Kraz > FatBuddha 09/16/2015 at 19:24

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I like your spin on that logic. Very cool perspective.

SCar guy > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 20:40

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I found it both hilarouis and ironic that you mentioned Sasquatch in the Jared Allen/Lift Chevrolet K5 Blazer comparison. I had a 1988 K5 with rebuilt (350) engine and transmission with a 5” Pro Comp lift on 35” Super Swampers. Called it “the yeti” for obvious reasons.

mrjenk > James 09/16/2015 at 21:14

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Dang near fell off my couch. Too funny!

Tohru > Ross Kraz 09/17/2015 at 01:58

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I resent Adrian Peterson being represented by the Corvette, because the Corvette is a winner.

RayFinkleStache > Ross Kraz 09/17/2015 at 07:13

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I would say Jay Cutler is a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off..... Nothing crazy to look at nowadays it just sits in the garage 99% of the time. Drove it around the streets of Chicago once and had a great time. But the fact that it was really cool and looked good a while ago you can’t get rid of it and it’s still worth an ungodly amount of money for just sitting there. You try to reverse what you did and bring it back to the way things were before but you just get pissed off and the car ends up sliding out from under you, through a window, and into a ravine.