What car is that NFL player? AFC West edition

"Ross Kraz" (ropstafer) 09/02/2015 at 13:59 • Filed to: what car is that nfl player, what car is that player, afc west, broncos, chiefs, chargers, raiders

2

42

(I love cars. I love NFL football. Let’s combine the two and compare some star players to automobiles. In this post: teams of the AFC West )

Denver Broncos

Peyton Manning, QB: the autonomous, self driving Audi A7

Why? He has a career quarterback rating of 97.5 and a touchdown-to-interception ratio of 2.27, which both rank third in NFL history (behind just Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady). More machine than man, Peyton has changed the face of the league with precise, calculated performance that can only be compared to today’s most technologically advanced vehicles. Audi plans to release a vehicle equipped with self driving technology as early as late 2016 with the SQ5 sport utility vehicle. (photo credits: CBS Sports, Wired)

Von Miller, OLB: Range Rover Sport

Why? Von, with 49 career sacks in just 56 games, has extreme speed for his size. He was clocked at 4.49 seconds in the 40 yard dash. Couple that with his brash and flashy playing style, Miller is a perfect fit to match the Range Rover’s on and off road capabilities. It can get around the Nurburgring in 8 minutes 14 seconds and has 11.2 inches of ground clearance. (photo credits: CBS Sports, Land Rover)

Kansas City Chiefs

Alex Smith, QB: Chrysler K-Cars

Why? Smith is going to get the job done, but he is going to do it in the most bland way possible. Although he has a decent TD to INT ratio at 1.61, he averages barely over 1 TD per game (122 touchdowns in 110 games). Kansas City’s wide receivers did not catch a single touchdown pass in the 2014 season. Not one . This year, it’s out with Dwayne Bowe and in with ex-Eagle Jeremy Maclin. Like the K-Car, it doesn’t matter what you put on the outside (Reliant, Aries, LeBaron, Dynasty, Spirit, Acclaim, New Yorker, Shadow, Caravan, etc.) because everything underneath still boring. (Photo credits: NFL, Allpar)

Eric Berry, S: Ricky Bobby’s “ME” Car from Talladega Nights

Why? If you haven’t heard Eric Berry’s story, it’s an amazing tale of perseverance. He is returning to the team this season as one of the league’s top defenders - just nine months after being diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. His drive to overcome has earned him the car of Ricky Bobby, who used this car to return to racing after physical and mental injuries sustained during a crash. Get out there and dominate, Eric. (Photo credits: Muthead, SBNation)

San Diego Chargers

Melvin Gordon, RB: Ariel Atom V8

Why? Gordon is one of this year’s top rookie prospects. Behind Wisconsin’s always-stellar offensive line last season, the former Badger rushed for 2,587 yards. That is the 2nd most in NCAA history for a single season, second only to Barry Sanders’ 2,628 in 1988. He is lightning quick and darts around the field the way the Atom darted around the Top Gear test track with the third best overall time of 1:15.1. (Photo credits: ESPN, Ariel Atom)

Manti Te’o, ILB: a Pontiac Fiero with a “Lamborghini Countach” body kit

Why? Well, you had to see this one coming. If not, you must have missed the story of Te’o’s fake girlfriend that he invented during his senior season at Notre Dame in 2012. Despite two decent years with the Chargers, amassing 121 tackles in 23 games amid injuries, the story still follows him around. Maybe he can take her for a ride in a fake Lambo or something made by Super Replicas. (Photo credits: Fox Sports, GTCarlot)

Oakland Raiders

Derek Carr, QB: F.A.L. Motors Car

Why? You see what I did there? He’s already a Carr. Too easy. I actually stole this idea from Jalopnik, when they named the F.A.L. the 10th most boring looking car simply based on its name. However, it also signifies Derek’s point in his career. He had a solid rookie outing in 2014 (3,270 yards, 21 TDs, 12 INTs), but his career is still in its infancy. How he handles himself in the coming years will determine whether he will follow in the footsteps of Ford, Chevrolet and other successful auto companies or end up like the defunct F.A.L. (Photo credits: CBS Sports, F.A.L. Motor Company)

Khalil Mack, OLB: Mack Truck (kidding) Peterbilt (still kidding) the new Oshkosh JLTV

Why? All jokes aside, Mack is the best young outside linebacker in the game right now. According to ESPN, he is the top NFL player under 25, beating out players like Carolina’s Luke Kuechly and the Giant’s Odell Beckham, Jr. He stands to be one of the meanest, most feared tacklers in the league. If he builds on his 2014 campaign (76 tackles, 4 sacks), he will earn legendary status as one of the greats. These attributes earn him the comparison to the new Oshkosh Joint Light Tactical Vehicle, which will relieve the Humvee of its military duties with the Army and Marines beginning in 2018. I wonder if it comes in black? (Photo credits: Raiders, Oshkosh Defense)

BONUS: All NFL kickers besides Sebastian Janikowski: Toyota Prius

Why? Don’t get me wrong: kickers are a very important part of football. I would never want to see the game played without them. However, most of them are barely big enough to fill their helmets (except the Gramatica brothers, of course) and don’t have the ferocity of, say, Ray Lewis charging towards an unsuspecting quarterback. Janikowski, who is built more like a dump truck and loves to tackle returners, breaks both of those rules.

(Photo credits: USA Today, Car and Driver)

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > Ross Kraz 09/02/2015 at 14:23

0

Massive understeer

Patrick Nichols > Ross Kraz 09/02/2015 at 14:25

7

Shouldn’t this one be less reliable in the winter and look a little long in the tooth... more like a rusted out 2wd dodge dakota?

Jake Huitt - Two Alfas And A Nissan, Not A Single Running Car > Ross Kraz 09/02/2015 at 14:45

0

More machine than man, Peyton has changed the face of the league with precise, calculated performance that can only be compared to today’s most technologically advanced vehicles

Which doesn’t always make for an interesting game. I’ll still enjoy going tomorrow though.

Saracen > Ross Kraz 09/02/2015 at 15:54

0

Khalil Mack is surely already in the top tier...but the “best” kinda depends on your definition of “young”.

Ross Kraz > Saracen 09/02/2015 at 16:41

1

He is 24 and entering his second year. Who else did you have in mind?

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet 09/02/2015 at 16:47

1

You mean like me?

Saracen > Ross Kraz 09/02/2015 at 17:40

0

I know he is entering his sophomore year. I am rabid about football. I meant, what is your cutoff for what you consider a young linebacker.

Luke Kuechly is 24 and in my opinion there is no finer backer in the game. Before his gruesome injury I considered the now-27 year old Navorro Bowman to be the best, and so far he in the preseason he has been an absolute wrecking ball. There is also the 25 year old Lavonte David, and the 23 year old C.J. Mosley out of Baltimore who is also entering his second year and had a far better rookie debut than Mack. And let’s not forget about Kiko-freaking-Alonso.

Having said that, all those that I mentioned are inside linebackers....so I guess I can give you concessions that Khalil Mack is right up there with Von Miller as the best young OLB.

Ross Kraz > Saracen 09/02/2015 at 17:47

0

I have to applaud you and concede that you are correct. I would say, IMO, that Kuechly is actually the best LB. It also made me catch a typo where I wrote Mack as an ILB and not OLB. Well played, sir. Von is entering his fifth season, though. So I would consider him to be a veteran player. I will edit the post to say best "outside" backer. Thanks!

Saracen > Ross Kraz 09/02/2015 at 17:49

0

That’s why I asked how you define “young”. Von Miller may be entering his fifth season but he’s only 26.

qbeezy > Ross Kraz 09/02/2015 at 17:53

8

Nah bruh . Peyton is the Google Lexus autonomous vehicle. Sits high and has terrible mobility.

Ross Kraz > Saracen 09/02/2015 at 17:53

0

True. I think it's more based on experience. 3 years or less as a starter.

Ross Kraz > qbeezy 09/02/2015 at 17:54

0

HAHAHAHA that is perfect

hike > Ross Kraz 09/02/2015 at 18:15

0

Love these. Though I disagree with bonus. Justin Tucker of the Ravens is definitely not a prius. He’s a pretty cool dude. Check out his new car ads on YouTube. I’d link to it here but I’m on my phone.

Ross Kraz > hike 09/02/2015 at 18:22

0

Cool! There’s one where he mocks the Lincoln Matthew McConn...McCaunn... McCon-a-hay ads that is pretty funny.

As far as the choice, it's just a joke and based more on physical stature than a cool-ness factor. Janikowski is built like a dump truck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UmYnQ…

hike > Ross Kraz 09/02/2015 at 18:24

0

Oh that’s true. Jankowski is like the anti kicker. I just like sharing how the Ravens do actually have one cool guy.

FartInTheWind > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 13:52

0

I loved my Fiero, never got a body kit.

TheDudeAbides_(version 2.0) > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:07

0

Uh, Romo is under Manning, you meant to say Brady.

Ross Kraz > TheDudeAbides_(version 2.0) 09/16/2015 at 14:13

1

Yes I did. Fixed. Thanks!

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:19

0

Word.

Go Pats! > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 15:03

0

Payton’s car is wrong

Payton is 100% a Jaguar E type:

Sporty and great performance, looks amazing, a car that is coveted by many. But in reality it breaks down when you need it most (playoffs). And while owner’s & fans may have a special spot in their heart for it, it’s mainly a very costly luxury that no matter how much you may wish, just won’t get you to your final destination. But hey, at least you’ll look really good until up till the point it breaks down on you.

colt45 > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 15:08

0

Na Peyton is a 68 Chevrolet SS. It may be old, but he can still kick some ass

Stacey > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 17:44

1

The dust kicked up by the Range Rover matches perfectly with this fave hat of Von Miller’s.

Paul-AB > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 18:52

2

I’m a Chargers fan, so I have to protest Gordon and substitute a different car; if nothing else, he is not a scatback, and there are legitimately bigger backs, and faster, smaller ones. (Darren Sproles in his prime is the aerial atom; or better yet, Dante Hall)

Melvin Gordon: Z/28; yes, this one:

At 6’1” his dimensions are on the bigger side for RB’s. He’s no lightweight, and neither is the Z/28, though it weighs much less than a ZL1 and less than the SS. Gordon’s 40 time is really not epic, and neither is the Z/28, being naturally aspirated— this is a big, brawny car which is nevertheless nimble.

It goes further — what’re some of the defining features that make the brakes are always remarked upon, but I can’t really think of a good athletic analogy.
But how about those massive front tires? The power is to the rear, and the power of a back is in his legs, but here’s Gordon’s front tires:

yeah...

Finally, magnetic ride suspension. Tell me this isn’t smooth: http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=…

The Z/28’s brawny. Gordon looks big in street clothes — but don’t mistake their brawny size and looks for an inability to wiggle. The Z/28’s a track monster and has Nürburgring times competitive with generally smaller, better hp/lb cars and Melvin Gordon had the best 60-yard shuttle among 2015 RB’s and the 2nd best time on record.

Lastly, he’s worked for that physique and the manual-only Z/28 makes you work the gears.

I think it’s perfect.

Paul-AB > Paul-AB 09/16/2015 at 18:55

0

bleh, 2nd-best 60-yard shuttle this year only

Paul-AB > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 19:59

0

I can think of 2 players in the same division on the Chargers that are probably better in their respective position than Mack is, 1 based on stats, 1 based on potential: Keenan Allen and Jason Verrett.

Keenan Allen: 1995 yards, and 12 TD’s in 30 games on a team which spreads the ball around and includes a future HoF @ TE and one of the game’s best 3rd-down backs. He has 4 2 TD efforts — (one against a bad NY Giants squad), a primetime road win upset against the 2013 Broncos, a road win against the Ravens last year, and a playoff road loss against Denver’s Super Bowl 2013 team. He finished 2nd in AP Offensive Rookie of the Year honors in 2013 (his rookie year; and he’s still only 23) and Mack? 3rd for AP Defensive Rookie of the Year honors.
He started THIS year with a team-&-NFL-week-1 record 15 catches off 17 targets, 166 yards with half of it YAC.

Verrett flashed big-time talent while nursing a lingering shoulder ailment from his college Senior Year as a rookie (including a game-clinching INT against David Carr) and started off this year by holding Golden Tate to 4 catches on 8 targets for 24 yards. When man coverage was called for, he did this alone, while Calvin Johnson drew the doubles (Flowers, Weddle). Tate’s coming off a pro bowl season with a league-best yards after catch.

Mack is on an awful team, that can’t help, but in those positive instances I noted above, it was against good competition.

Paul-AB > Saracen 09/16/2015 at 20:02

0

Von Miller, in his 2 seasons completely under the age of 25, got 30 sacks. 30 . If Mack is nearly this good, where’s the production?

Saracen > Paul-AB 09/16/2015 at 20:30

1

Sacks are not the be-all-end-all of stats for pass rushing.

Mack was the best OLB against the run by signficant margin last season, vastly better than Miller. He was second in the entire league in tackles for loss, and makes run stops at an incredible rate.

As far as pass rushing goes, he trailed Miller in sacks, but was only second to Miller in total QB pressures. Being the only great player on a shitty defense didn’t help. Look at the pieces surrounding Von Miller for his entire career.

Note, I’m no Raiders fan. I’m a Chargers fan. But Mack is a stud. Keenan Allen has proven to be the steal of his draft. Verrett has shown great talent but I will reserve judgement until I see more than just 7 games out of him.

Uncle Chigurh > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 23:43

0

Pshaw. Great Wisconsin running backs are always busts in the pros. See: Dayne, Ron. See also: Ball, Montee.

Moreoral Compass > Ross Kraz 09/17/2015 at 00:09

1

My first car was a Dodge Dynasty. I removed the “y” and dubbed it the D-Nasty. It was maroon. Never mind, you were right.

Taxidermy JONES > Ross Kraz 09/17/2015 at 00:55

0

This is the dumbest sports segment I’ve ever seen. Who’s idea was this? Fire that person.

Ross Kraz > Uncle Chigurh 09/17/2015 at 09:48

0

Or Bennett, Michael; Calhoun, Brian; Hill, P.J. etc. etc. But Gordon has much more lateral speed than those guys and doesn't sacrifice downhill power to do so.

Ross Kraz > Moreoral Compass 09/17/2015 at 09:50

0

Mine was a Shadow and I still own another Shadow. It pains me to admit their shortcomings.

Ross Kraz > Taxidermy JONES 09/17/2015 at 09:52

1

Right. I’ll make 100% sure I don't receive a paycheck for this.

Taxidermy JONES > Ross Kraz 09/17/2015 at 10:55

0

For the record, I was being hyperbolic I don’t really believe you should be fired.

Kayak Angst > Ross Kraz 09/17/2015 at 11:30

0

Peyton Manning at the end of the season.

Ross Kraz > Taxidermy JONES 09/17/2015 at 11:43

0

Hey, I can take the criticism. But I’m not employed by Kinja/Gawker/etc. It was an independent blog article that I’m not getting paid for, so I can't be fired. Sorry.

Taxidermy JONES > Ross Kraz 09/17/2015 at 12:15

0

My apologies sir.

Marc West > Ross Kraz 09/17/2015 at 12:19

1

Football and cars. I’ve found my home. I’m gonna disagree on the Peyton Manning one though. I think he’s more like the E39 M5. Are there better and newer sport sedans? Yeah. Do those cars work better? Yeah, probably. But you always know what you’re going to get out of an M5 when you drive it just like Manning and you know it’s gonna be good. The E39 is always going to be in the conversation just like Manning is and people are going to talk about it/him long after they’re all gone.

As a Chargers fan (Bolt Up!) I think Gordon is a FR-S/BR-Z/FT-86. He’s not number one in really anything. He’s not the fastest. He isn’t the strongest. He isn’t the most agile. But he’s guaranteed to put a smile on your face from his go lucky attitude and sense of fun.

I was going to call Alex Smith a rental car but K Car works just as well.

Ross Kraz > Marc West 09/17/2015 at 12:36

0

Very cool insight on those players. I'd say you're spot on with the Gordon idea, but (Wisconsinite, here) I'm hoping for the best. Manning is one of the few players that I did that I focused on his career as a whole as opposed to just the past couple years, but I would have to agree with you there also.

Paul-AB > Saracen 09/17/2015 at 12:39

0

I did not know things about Mack! Thanks for the reply I’ll have to take a closer look at the nitty-gritty stat sites on Mack.

jerkstore58 > Patrick Nichols 09/17/2015 at 14:35

1

I cant star this hard enough. Had to comment.

jerkstore58 > Ross Kraz 09/17/2015 at 14:37

0

Jamaal Charles - Bugatti Veyron
Was the fastest when he showed up, still pretty much the fastest now even though he is getting a bit old. Still dominate, but somewhat understated.