RustyRant: Modified Safety Device Bro

"RustyShitboxIsTheNewFast" (RustyShitboxIsTheNewFast)
05/15/2015 at 11:43 • Filed to: None

This is my opinionated, narrow view on the biggest legal and safety concern on the populated, generally uneducated, appreciably lawless open road. ButFirst! the news that sparked my internal squall, followed by the bias blinded seat from which I view the matter.

The Quebec police are towing and !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! cars, primarily on the concerns that they are defacing all the PQ leaflets on the ground.

Good.

Where I sit on this matter is a purveyor of fine 1980-1990 Japanese Oxidation Art. I prefer the lighter, gutless shitboxes back from when cars were engineered with the idea they were more than consumer goods, they were vessels of freedom and happiness and passion and deserved to be made with some sense pride and soul goddamnit! But I digress.

Now your wondering the connection between the news and the veiw. Is this lunatic mad enough to suggest we all roll on lowered 20’s in classic Nippon Steel to be safer? Did he confuse the words “safety” and “style”? Are those words interchangeable? What does a 1985 Camry look like slammed? Not pretty. It looks not pretty. But I digress.

As many people pointed out in the article, driving a lowered car, particularly a slammed car with cut springs and Made in China cast boat anchor rims, rockin 8 inch tread pattern on 11 inch rims, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . You mess with all the engineered triangulation, weight distribution, steering angles, tie rod ends, scrub radius, yadda yadda yadda. Even the most common thought “safe” lowering, adding coilovers and cranking them down, really doesn’t work. Without at least pillowball strut hats, not to mention geometry correcting control arms and spindles, all you do is lessen the cars ability to handle its own weight, a bad thing. And don’t get me started on riding on your sidewalls or inner edge of your tread patterns as an offering to the gods of Stance, Camber, and Swag. But I digress.

The experiences I have had driving the choppedtoshithondacivics I purchase has never been good. After years of Stancenationbro abuse I pay some paltry pocket lint for a 6x modified never broke down Japanese designed Canadian built hero. She don’t steer without effort and your spine is now your dampener, but with 700$ worth of U-pull parts from a base model she’ll ride (comfortable) again. The transformation is incredible, back is the confidence in braking and turning! power goes to the pavement instead of right above it! your cop siren turns off! Even when I went to and from stiffer settings on a 4th gen Maxima with adjustable dampeners, the fastest, most confidence inspiring setting was the one that mirrored stock. The others FELT faster, but the fastest was undoubtedly stock. But I digress.

However, this rant isn’t about lowered cars at all! Its about modified vehicles and safety, particularly Lifted Brodozer Trucks. Where I am, driving a mud bog ready 7.3 powerstroke to the office so you can bitch about parking downtown and how they don’t make stalls big enough to handle your tremendous wang/ego combo ain’t no thang. And, reportedly, statistically 70% of all drivers out past 11 on a Friday are drunk (fact), the number of Fab Fours bumpers I see leveled at my cerebellum in my aforementioned normal old school commuter is a bit to make an enthusiast take a moment or two after a light turns green to make sure some parading insecurity doesn’t FabFours your skull in an attempt to get down to the bar before the bitches leave.

I think we can agree in average traffic lowered cars pose more risk to themselves than other cars, the worse you could look forward to is some bent up sheet steel (not considering pedestrians), but lifted trucks are aimed right at your weak point, the clear, see through part of your car, and suffer the same handling issues after modification; purpose intended modifications are not meant for the road, and are hardly ever implemented correctly. But I digress.

So in swearing off all non factory-backed allegiances I will say: modification of the safety devices implemented in the construction of your on-the-road commuter is not intelligent. Lowering, lifting, cages, xenon headlights, 5 point harnesses, steering wheels, mudders, bumpers, none of it has a place on the road. Modifications are products, and what you’re saying when you use these products is, somehow, with no research or development, you trust someone willing to sell you a product more than teams of people with millions of dollars working on a unified device to keep you safe so they can continue making millions of dollars. And the product generally has “not for road use” stamped on it. Like that’s not some kind of clue. But I digress.

That’s all that’s it. Let me know what you think of my writing style in the comments. This was my first article, but don’t go easy, I wanna know.

DISCUSSION (6)

CalzoneGolem > RustyShitboxIsTheNewFast
05/15/2015 at 12:08

I for one would like to know about this 1980-1990 Japanese Oxidation Art.

thebigbossyboss > RustyShitboxIsTheNewFast
05/15/2015 at 12:43

“reportedly, statistically 70% of all drivers out past 11 on a Friday are drunk (fact),”

Uh. You have a very loose definition of fact. Also I think I live near you.

spanfucker retire bitch > RustyShitboxIsTheNewFast
05/15/2015 at 12:48

You didn’t end this paragraph in “But I digress.” Change it. Immediately.

desertdog5051 > RustyShitboxIsTheNewFast
05/15/2015 at 13:07

What’s a PQ leaflet?

thebigbossyboss > desertdog5051
05/15/2015 at 13:30

Parti Quebecqois. Former separatist government of quebec.

desertdog5051 > thebigbossyboss
05/15/2015 at 13:43

Never saw much logic in their separatist stuff. Didn’t they give us Cajuns?