Petition to Keep Denatured Alcohol Natural

"Wobbles the Mind" (wobblesthemind)
12/25/2015 at 22:37 • Filed to: Um...what?

I’m so sick of human beings feeling the need to mess with Mother Nature! All things have the right to be exactly as Life itself intended, especially when they are delicious!

I’m fed up with it! I’m cleaning my vehicle, I get thristy, and I have to suffer the tender tauntings of this tempting tin. Perhaps emissions checks are coming up, so I pour a bit for the fuel tank, and a little bit for me. It can’t be helped! I’m just a man and that is apparent, Child! You can only expect so much restraint from me.

The cruel creature taunts me in such sibilant and seductive tones. “You sure look soooo hot Wobbles. So broad, so stately, so...sweaty. DiCaprio would need two marble blocks to even attempt to capture your jawline. Oh, but Sugar-Tush, you seem so lacking in hydration, dare I say parched even? Your beer is warm, but you could take me right here, right now, like a decade old Speyside single malt. Let me be your Glenlivet!”

BAM!! Back on the phone with Harriet at Poison Control. If they would stop making these things poisonous, nauseating, or just plain cheap tasting, we wouldn’t have this problem!

Also, we need to bring back lead based paint. I’m sick of worrying whether or not some unitard alien is peeping on my knickers! I’m stressed out people!!