Hands, Free

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch)
12/16/2015 at 13:45 • Filed to: voice activated horn, honk if you're horny

As you may already know, I worked with a brilliant inventor for many years, and I once slaughtered his sentient self-healing tires in an unthinking orgy of burnout bloodshed. But there’s another story about him, and I feel like it’s prudent to share it at this time, before this preliminary hearing ends. Please ignore the woman to my left, she is not my counsel and does not represent me.

I got a phone call late one crisp August night. I had been out in some exciting rural roads, driving at the speed limit, adjusting coilovers for an upcoming totally legal road rally for charity. It was my friend, Tim, and he had gotten over me murdering the entire set of his prototype tires a few weeks previous. He wanted me to come by, take a look at what he had cooked up. I drove over there at a responsible speed and absolutely did not force a lane-wandering Acura MDX into a guard rail where it flipped six times before exploding into a totally awesome fireball.

Tim was waiting for me, and had a bundle of wires and a handful of circuit boards. He offered to install it into the car, and quickly got to work upon giving him my assent. It’s not like I was going to do electrical, fuck that shit. Anyway, he was done a few hours later, and we set out onto the open road.

I was curious what he had done, but Tim stayed tight lipped, and I could sense perhaps the anticipation of his sweet revenge. I steeled myself for whatever he had prepared; in high school he had set the entire football field on fire with thermite in the underground sprinkler system, and I knew he had only gotten better at not getting caught now.

Suddenly, I was cut off by a Dodge Durango. I raised my voice, spinning up a variety of ancient profanity that had been passed into my genes by my no-doubt-proud ancestors. It was then that it happened.

My big-body hot-rod Lincoln responded to my cabin yells, raising its hackles and blaring the multi-tone air horn without having to touch the button. The Durango dove for the shoulder, imagining an oncoming train, and I was able to keep both hands on the wheel for the overtake. Pure genius. This would save lives, I told Tim, who looked back at me with mild horror.

“This is supposed to reduce road rage,” he wailed as I proceeded to Irish up the rest of my drive, honking Aveos, Lacettis and Sonics into the ditch as I sped through the highway at an entirely reasonable and legal speed. “You’re supposed to feel bad about how angry you are.”

I looked at him then, and shot him a predatory grin that made him jump in his seat and reflexively place one hand on the door release. We were just getting started.

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to conclude my introductory statements by telling you all about a little thing I like to call admiralty court.

DISCUSSION (17)

TractorPillow > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 13:53

What I love about your stories is that you have to read them deliberately. If you just skim you will be as clueless as the MDX driver when he wakes up from his coma.

vondon302 > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 13:54

Lolz electrical yeah fuck that shit.

BigBlock440 > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 13:54

It’s not like I was going to do electrical, fuck that shit.

Agreed.

CB > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 14:05

I’d like to see you do a choose-your-own-adventure style story, where we would vote on some of the ridiculous decisions made by your protagonist and see where that leads.

DrJohannVegas > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 14:08

Mr. Switch, you have been found guilty of the charges by a jury of your peers. It is clear from your testimony and the testimony of witnesses that you lack the remorse, judgement, mental facilities, and cholesterol levels of a well-balanced member of society. Were it within my power, I would remand you to the custody of this state’s finest mental health professionals, both for your safety and for the advancement of the mental health science.

However, our great Legislature has seen fit to remove from me those powers, in the name of “ethics” and “humaneness”. Therefore, I am left with no choice but to sentence you to 10000 hours of supervised community disservice . You will, under the watchful eye of audiences at home, serve as a counterbalance to our public decency for no less than five full work years. If, at that time, this court judges you to have satisfactorily repaid your debt to society, and your ratings and advertising revenues remain sufficiently high, you will be free to return to the public at large, with parole and the requirement for occasional public appearances.

You, sir, are one of the most disgusting individuals I have ever had the displeasure to see in my court. In all my years on the court, I have never seen someone receive such overwhelming “guilty” poll number from our viewers. My disgust with you is only counterbalanced by my hunger for the new Jalapeno Double Bacon Blaster from Fudrucker’s, available now for a limited time. Were it not for the prospect of that delicious sandwich and all of Fudrucker’s legendary sides, I would jump over this bench and handle you myself. Shame on you, sir. Shame.

I ask that you hold any comments you may have until we have properly set up the second production unit. We’ll be right back with your response, after a word from our sponsors...

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 14:15

“proceeded to Irish” hahaha

Seat Safety Switch > CB
12/16/2015 at 14:19

Actually, I once wrote a computer game .

Spoon II > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 14:27

This game is pure gold! So much attention to detail, like Canada not using pennies anymore. I feel like this belongs on the front page.

CB > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 14:29

Gold. Solid gold.

Seat Safety Switch > DrJohannVegas
12/16/2015 at 14:36

See you have all these fancy words but you put a gold fringe around the flag. That means this is an admiralty court !

I’m home free!

DrJohannVegas > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 14:42

Well, Mr. Switch, I hope you can swim. Hell of a first episode, I must say.

> Pulls obviously-marked lever with blinking light sign saying “Open Sea Trap Door - Use Only in Case of Tax Protest”

DrJohannVegas > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 14:46

WHY DO KEEP GETTING THE BAD END?!?!? I TOTALLY CAN REPLACE AN EXHAUST GASKET WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING. SHUT UP, DAD.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 14:50

They kinda deserve it because they drove an MDX.

DrJohannVegas > DrJohannVegas
12/16/2015 at 14:51

> Turns to cameras

“You know folks, he might have gotten away with it had he remembered to challenge the jurisdiction before his opening statement. A rookie mistake, to be sure. But, you know who aren’t rookies? The good folks down at Cumberland Subaru-Pontiac-Isuzu-GMC. They’re experts in finding you the right truck or car for your needs. Stop in today and ask about their complimentary service program!

We’ll be back right after a quick break with our next case!”

Lekker > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 15:08

“Okay, so hold on, you are the one who is too fucking dumb to figure out that exhaust is hot , and you’re giving me lectures about paying attention to subtle details?

The fuck is wrong with you?”

I laughed so hard my boss glared at me, thank you. This is pure aurum

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 15:15

I always wanted to install a train horn in my Honda. Would be great to scare people off the road. Now I care about the whole "add lightness" thing in my Miata so I will not be doing that lol. But this story has got me thinking about it again..

functionoverfashion > Seat Safety Switch
12/16/2015 at 16:02

My college roommate had a 1989 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham, and the horn was approaching diesel locomotive levels of ear damage. So much fun to honk at unsuspecting fellow students innocently walking to class, nursing a hangover and trying not to look up at the bright world.