My Car Came With A Stupid Cell Phone App (And I Actually Use It)

"The Finker" (finker)
12/13/2015 at 12:00 • Filed to: OnStar, Apps, iPhone, GM, Technology, RemoteLink, Cars, Car Tech

I’m at war with my apartment door lock. Sometimes the skirmishes are no longer than a few seconds, other times the battles can last minutes.

It goes something like this: I place the key in the cylinder, and nothing – the key won’t turn. I jiggle the key. Still nothing. I take the key out and proceed to curse loudly, much to the chagrin of my neighbors. This goes on until – finally – the lock turns…the wrong way.

It’s a constant struggle, and I try my hardest to avoid dueling with the lock; however, sometimes the fights are inescapable. Like when I walk down to the car and realize I’ve left my car key on the kitchen counter.

Don’t ask me how this happens; it just does. And if I have plans to drive somewhere, then I’m forced to turn around and duke it out with my old foe in order to retrieve my car key.

Many times though, I don’t need to drive anywhere. In fact, I’m usually making a pit stop at the car to grab my headphones from the passenger seat so I can listen to music as I meander to the gym or coffee shop by foot. In such an instance, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place: turn around and face my mortal enemy, or go to the gym or coffee shop without any access to my “gym” or “coffee shop” Spotify playlists. To quote almost every white girl in America, “The struggle is real.”

But yesterday the struggle came to an end, because General Motors sent me an email reminder to “download the free OnStar RemoteLink mobile app” for my 2015 Chevrolet Camaro. And I promptly did so.

Now I’m not a religious man, but I’m tempted to thank god for this app, if only for the fact that it allows me to lock and unlock my car remotely from my phone. The app does other things too, but like Morty Seinfeld and his Wizard tip calculator, I’m pretty hung up on this one function. No longer will I need to sacrifice my patience or enjoyment by fiddling with my apartment lock or forgoing headphones at the gym or coffee shop.

As far as user experience goes, RemoteLink is very straightforward – even my grandmother could figure out how to use it (if she were with us today). The app-based keyless entry system is still no keypad keyless entry system, à la Ford, but then again keypad keyless entry systems don’t offer RemoteLink’s additional functionality. Of course, there is the whole issue of !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , but that’s a problem for future me to confront.

Here’s a quick rundown of what else RemoteLink can do:

Diagnostic status, which includes information like remaining fuel and individual tire pressure.

Hands-free calling via your vehicle’s OnStar system.

Special offers from companies like Dunkin’ Donuts and Best Buy.

Easy access to your “preferred” Chevrolet dealership’s information.

A maps function, which can pinpoint the exact location of your car.

The latter feature is likely the only tool besides the keyless entry function that I expect to actually use within the app. I can be a bit of a space cadet at times, and having the ability to pinpoint exactly where my car is on a map in relation to my location is bound to save me time and hassle in the future.

Although the war with my apartment door lock is far from over, I predict that the power vested in me by OnStar RemoteLink will result in my battles being fewer and farther between. That alone makes the app a worthwhile download.

Image credit: !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and the author

DISCUSSION (13)

davedave1111 > The Finker
12/13/2015 at 12:11

Kinja'd!!!

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > The Finker
12/13/2015 at 12:12

Can’t you just tell your landlord your apartment’s lock is busted and have them replace it? Or could you do it yourself?

yamahog > The Finker
12/13/2015 at 12:15

I also use OnStar RemoteLink for my 2015 Camaro! One less set of keys to carry around is nice.

The Finker > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero
12/13/2015 at 12:16

I'm a bit of a sadist. But I already have a request in. Maintenance is just really, really, really, ridiculously slow.

The Finker > yamahog
12/13/2015 at 12:17

Yeah, I HATE feeling like a prison warden making his rounds when I'm only walking to the coffee shop.

shop-teacher > davedave1111
12/13/2015 at 12:17

Yep. For $2 and 2 minutes, the lock battles will be over. It’s amazing how well this stuff works.

davedave1111 > shop-teacher
12/13/2015 at 12:23

I should add that pretty much any lube will work. The advantage of graphite is that it doesn’t make your pocket greasy.

deekster_caddy > The Finker
12/13/2015 at 12:45

I have had my Volt for almost 3 years. The Remotelink app was painful, PAINFUL to use for the first year. The second year it was improved when they updated their servers and the app. But it’s really proven itself to be useless since it was so fristrating to use for so long that I’ve given up. There’s no freaking way I’m going to pay for it.

The Finker > deekster_caddy
12/13/2015 at 12:50

Honestly I like it (surprisingly), but it’s def a gimmick. I didn’t have to pay anything for it, but I agree; if GM tries to charge me for use of the app I’ll just delete it. It’s convenient but not THAT convenient.

shop-teacher > davedave1111
12/13/2015 at 12:59

Light lube can actually gum up the lock over time. Dry graphite is the way to go!

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > The Finker
12/13/2015 at 13:37

Will it work on my 15-year-old BMW?

jvirgs drives a Subaru > The Finker
12/13/2015 at 13:51

I think I can get an app for my Dart, but Mopar wants to charge a monthly fee. Eff that.

'Wägen, EPA LOL > The Finker
12/13/2015 at 14:05

Remote start via RemoteLink. So clutch. Especially when my key fob can’t reach where I had to put my truck on the parking lot... I’m seriously debating subscribing to On Star for this alone.