BMW M2 and Cayman GT4: Secrets Revealed!!

"Grab Paddle" (grabpaddle)
10/14/2015 at 10:22 • Filed to: Cayman GT4, BMW M2, M2, Viper, ACR VIper, ACR, Z28, Z/28, GT350, GT350R, ford, mustang, shelby, shelby gt350r, america

These cars are great, and I get it, but they’re really for assholes. One will park wherever they feel like, and turn in any direction, whenever they please. The other is too expensive, not really that fast, you can’t afford it, not really that fast, you can’t afford it, not really that fast, and you can’t afford it.

( Full disclosure : I have owned both a 135i and 981-S, not exactly the same, but I get it.)

Seeing the automotive sports car landscape and realizing every time I look out the window, that yes, this is still America, I begin to wonder why these cars get so much attention when what is offered to us from our home turf is so much more capable, cool and downright explosive .

Lets compare these cute German coupé to what America has to offer for the same price. The BMW M2 is stated to be offered here at $51,000. Great but not true to market. The baby M will most likely, after adding all the options standard on a Hyundai Sonata, be around $65,000, plus mark-up. Yes, mark-up. These will have a $5,000 premium from the dealer and I don’t care what you think, it will be there. So for $70,000 you get 370 horsepower and a dull inline 6 that you can only hear through your dashboard radio.

For that price in AMERICA, the place you were born in, now reside in, and use a toilet in, we have two 500+ V8 LOUD horsepower contenders:

THIS!

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AND THAT:

The Motor Trend 2014 Driver’s Car of the Year ( Sorry GT4, a hefty Merc kicked your ass this year. ):

As for the Cayman GT4, these, no matter how you spec them on the Porsche website, cost $120,000!!! because the dealers know there is a rich dentist that wants to have a fuck me yellow Porsche with a wing, and he doesn’t really care about the fact that it’s not a 911. I understand the desire for this particular P-car, but come on, seriously!?! It isn’t even close. The ONLY car you should be considering as a track car at that price is a Viper ACR. Hands down it will kick and lick the GT4 into submission and have it screaming in the corner of the day care center at VIR pleading to it’s German scheisse mama to come pick it up and put it’s dick and balls back on.

AND, C’MON, I MEAN LOOK AT THIS THING!!!!

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So, as all these fanboys comment below about purity, blah, blah, and they listen to their dead inline-6’s with numb steering wheels saying, “No, really it’s close to hydraulic steering, they got it right.” ( The GT4 engine does sound great BTW, but it sounded better in the 911 it came from, the 911 with a real 2nd gear.)

If you live in America and you buy one of those German overpriced scheisse cakes, please leave, your citizenship has been revoked.

DISCUSSION (20)

FazeRacer > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 10:27

You’re just jealous you can’t afford a $100k car. Those german cars are a lot more refined than your American muscle. Still, lots of great cars for every budget.

bob and john > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 10:29

i was shocked at how much porsche wants for the GT4. at first I thought it was ONE dealer with a crazy mark up...and I laughed. then i built one on their site.

fuck that

Grab Paddle > FazeRacer
10/14/2015 at 10:30

I can afford a 100k car.

TractorPillow > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 10:36

Yikes, even though I agree that there are better buys and cooler cars for the $, revoking citizenship is a little extreme. Cars are heavily personal preference. I would never ever want to own a Mustang, Camaro, or Challenger as I just plain don’t like them.

Now as for your Viper argument - that’s infallible. I can’t imagine owning a Cayman or BMW over a Viper.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 10:39

*packs bags*

I’d rather drive a GT4 in germany anyway

Grab Paddle > TractorPillow
10/14/2015 at 10:39

It’s just satire. I do like these cars for some reasons and the American ones for others, but come on, the GT350 over an M2? I base my decision on exhaust volume and track times, which America has won.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 10:39

Variety is good. Options are good. Competition is good. As enthusiasts, we should hope that all these cars sell like hotcakes.

If everyone only bought Mustangs and Camaros, there’d only be Mustangs and Camaros to buy...

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 10:42

Kinja'd!!!

You’re wrong anyway. None of that shit is better than the Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo

Grab Paddle > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com
10/14/2015 at 10:43

Honestly, the only thing we could by for years that handled well and made us smile, were the German cars. Now that America is giving us a viable option, it’s time to speak up, in that American V8 kind of way.

Grab Paddle > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman
10/14/2015 at 10:44

OH SHIT. “The Best USED CAR”

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 10:50

goddamn right

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 10:52

I’m the current owner of a fine and fun automobile with a manual, a V8, RWD, and a hydraulic steering rack. It’s from Germany, and it also had four doors. I’d only driven inexpensive Japanese cars before buying it three years ago (prior car was an ‘05 Mazda 3s manual hatch). Mustangs and Camaros have never really “done it” for me, but recently I find myself thinking impure thoughts about that GT350. What’s happening to me?

I’m also infatuated with the GT4 and think the M2 is going to be a great car, fwiw.

Jonathan Harper > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 10:57

It’s just satire.

But satire is supposed to be funny. This comes off more as a highly opinionated (could even be construed as offensive) rant from someone who obviously just wants to stir the pot. Calling it satire, in this case, seems like a weak cop-out from that schoolyard bully calling everyone “gay” that when confronted says “it’s just a joke”.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 11:01

not really that fast, you can’t afford it, not really that fast, you can’t afford it, not really that fast, and you can’t afford it.

STOP REMINDING ME THAT I’M A PEASANT!! (;_;)

Kinja'd!!!

Grab Paddle > Jonathan Harper
10/14/2015 at 11:06

I would never call anyone “gay.” This is, to me, the same kind of satire Stephen Colbert was expressing as a Republican on The Colbert Report.

P.s., you have to admit this is pretty funny: “Hands down it will kick and lick the GT4 into submission and have it screaming in the corner of the day care center at VIR pleading to it’s German scheisse mama to come pick it up and put it’s dick and balls back on.”

Grab Paddle > K-Roll-PorscheTamer
10/14/2015 at 11:08

Trust me, you’re good. You’re having just as much fun with your cars as a dentist with a GT4 is with his. Speed is relative.

Brian Silvestro > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 11:12

this post makes several assumptions that are probably untrue

Jonathan Harper > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 11:20

I mean. I guess. You shouldn’t have to point out the “funny” parts.

Tekamul > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 11:33

The issue with many of the alternatives is that some point you will need to sit in, or approach from the outside, one of these cars. That is an uncomfortable position to be in. Particularly the Camaro.

Michael Cohen > Grab Paddle
10/14/2015 at 11:53

Lol as a fellow 135i owner. Its hard to satirize car debates because this is almost 100% what people actually say. If you didn’t say that you had the bimmer and the Porsche, I might taken this literally. It is good that the Americans are now making some cars that allegedly can handle. The Mustang Ecoboost I rented was garbage in the steering department. Hopefully the GT350 is a lot better. I have had not had the pleasure of driving a Camaro LS1 or antyhing like that either. One complaint about the pony cars: they’re huge, 5 Series size.