The Commuter Problem Part 2: Learn to God&*%! Drive

"No, I don't thank you for the fish at all" (notindetroit) 02/14/2014 at 10:18 • Filed to: The Commuting Problem, Distracted Driving, Dont Drive Like A Moron K Thx

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We all know !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . We all also know that there are a multitude of reasons why commuting sucks: a lack of proper infrastructure capable of accommodating "real world" traffic loads, extremely poor urban/transit planning, or simply too many people trying to occupy the same space. Then there's just the fact that some people just don't know how the fuck to drive . It may be an overall small contribution but drivers who can't go with the flow do contribute to piling on the minutes, stress and road rage of commuting.

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Image credit our very own Raphael Orlove, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

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"Speed Limit Avengers" (Or Worse)

Speed limits !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! Of course, said municipalities will defend the concept of the speed limit to the last, if nothing else because it's far easier than dealing with the massive liability headaches otherwise (at least considering the system that currently exists). Along with them are drivers (who, at least upon my own observation, seem to be, how shall we say, older) who seem to insist that the speed limit is immutable to God's law, and by God, they will enforce it to the best of their capability. This typically entails camping in the left lane and slowing traffic down to the speed limit (or, quite often, below the speed limit) while the rest of traffic zooms past an ever growing line of crawling cars.

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The end result is an automotive conga line boxed in due to faster traffic on the right and pushing traffic behind it to either maneuver into the actually flowing lanes or change their radios to the Cuban rhythm station. The takeaway here is that the flow of traffic is more important than the actual posted speed limit. Driving at a speed that disrupts the flow of traffic is like stepping on the garden hose at full-blast: it just bunches up and eventually explodes. Fortunately as far as (most) commutes go the only thing exploding is anger, but that's never fun anyway.

Of course, going too slow isn't the only way to disrupt that flow:

Those Crazy Assholes

Having total disregard for your fellow driver at the opposite end of the spectrum is just as every bit of dangerous as you think it is. Yes, you've got somewhere important to be, but we all do. Making matters worse is if the offending party happens to be driving one of the "usual suspect" cars - an E46 (or almost any German luxury product), almost any Lexus (at this point we can say almost any luxury marque period) or a jacked-up, murdered out pickup/SUV (my apologizes in advance to any owners of the above).

The psychological element is obvious - it's just a douche-y thing to do, and people are going to react accordingly. All of a sudden we've got !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! on the roadways and nobody wins. The only winning move is not to play...except we're all stuck in this game whether we like it or not.

People Who Just Don't Know What the Fuck They're Doing

I recently had to suffer through someone who decided to stop in the middle of the road because he (or she) realized far too late that he (or she) needed to get into that right hand turn lane. This still isn't nearly as bad as - I swear to God this happens all far too often - people who can't stay in their fucking lanes . Yes, they will straddle the dotted line, or at the very least have a good amount of tread hanging over it. This isn't just bad driving, it's borderline reckless. Moreover, it just makes you look like a dumbass.

Having no idea how to drive during the middle of rush-hour traffic is the very last place to suddenly decide you've been doing it wrong all along. Whether or not you actually have a clue, or decide that it's your holy responsibility to slow the flow of traffic, or you're simply holier-than-thou, the disruption of the flow of traffic reaches far back into traffic patterns that snowballs throughout the entire highway network. Tempers and minutes are lost, and we start cursing out our cars and hating the "car culture" we've built up while we wonder just what in the world went wrong.

So How the Hell Do We Fix It?

Fixing the stress aspects of commuting is complicated and ultimately won't be solved until the holistic aspects of the commuting problem are also solved. That won't involve a simple courteous driving campaign - it's a mix of improved auto infrastructure, improved mass transit infrastructure and a complete rethinking of the very basics of urban planning. But there are small steps we can take to alleviate the stress:

- Keep with the flow of traffic! Don't be an asshat going too fast or slow. All drivers need to realize the critical importance of the flow, and maintaining the flow means a safer and more efficient commute for everyone.

- Plan ahead! Admittedly, most people have fallen into well-established habits in their commutes. The monotonous, highly-repetitive commuting environment dulls any compelling intuition for thinking ahead and seemingly rewards spontaneous seizing of serendipitous opportunity that rarely delivers what it promises. This leads to incidents like sudden stops and forced lane changes in order to enact route adjustments. Being stuck in a rut is rarely good, so if you have time (say, on Friday when you can spend the weekend to relax instead of the evening to rush) consider calmly exploring alternative routes or at least studying where all roads lead to. You may or may not change your actual commuting route, but you'll be better aware of where that exit actually goes to so you can better plan accordingly and be more aware of where you're actually going.

- Avoid the Rush Entirely. This might seem impossible. I mean, everyone is going everywhere at the end of the work day, right? It's not like you can leave early for work just to avoid the rush. But what if you can leave later ?

I know this isn't a practical option for everyone, but spending an extra thirty minutes at work might be worth avoiding the stress of being stuck in traffic or an equal amount of time (or more), especially if you have entertainment options available.

And really, likely almost none of this will matter. The worst offenders of the above aren't likely to even visit Jalopnik in the first place, let alone actually read and heed this advice. Maybe a little bit of it will go a little way and make some difference. Ultimately it's going to take a radical, deep rethinking - not just of automotive transit, not just of mass transit, but down to the very fundamental ways in which our cities are put together.

Chris Clarke > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/14/2014 at 10:33

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Similar to " Speed Limit Avengers " are what I like to call Left Lane Loungers. These drivers have no conviction in regards to the speed limit, but only care about themselves and have no concern for their fellow driver. They think that cruising in the fast lane is O.K. for them but not for anyone else should you try to pass. This type of driver also exhibits small doses of " Crazy Asshole " and " Don't Know What the Fuck They're Doing ".

One additional solution I employ to help fix the problem is to flash my lights, honk, and in general try to alert the bad driver that they are operating in an unacceptable manner.

Thank you for the well written post.

Bricks > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/14/2014 at 10:34

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I definitely love the people who stop and jet over 4 lanes on the highway to get off. I don't think they know there is another exit they can use or just get off and then get back on to get to their exit. I know this isn't always the case in some areas, but usually you can just make the next turn

Brewman15 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/14/2014 at 10:36

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I recently had to suffer through someone who decided to stop in the middle of the road because he (or she) realized far too late that he (or she) needed to get into that right hand turn lane.

The ones I truly cannot believe are the morons who not only stop on the interstates, but will back-up (yes back up) because they missed their exit. Yes, they are in the shoulder, but I am always in utter disbelief that people think this is a better idea than just going to the next exit.

Avoid the Rush Entirely. This might seem impossible. I mean, everyone is going everywhere at the end of the work day, right? It's not like you can leave early for work just to avoid the rush. But what if you can leave later ?

Back when I was commuting from downtown Chicago to the suburbs, it was amazing how much difference 5 mins would make. If I got on the road before 6, it was 45 mins. If it was just a minute or two after 6, it was at least an hour if not an hour and a half.

JeffFurbs > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/14/2014 at 10:36

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Well said!

I was actually driving in to work this morning thinking about how I can be better at controlling my anger towards other drivers. Most of the time I mind my own business but I get set off so bad by getting cut off or tailgated. My wrong reaction to being cut off is to tailgate. My original wrong reaction to tailgaters was the occasional brake check. When I realized that was very dangerous, I switched to slowing down until the person gets the hint. Granted...My tailgating someone for cutting me off is no better than the people I'm griping about, nor any more safe. My problem is I take these things personally when in fact I can safely assume 99% of the time it probably isn't personal. I should just let it go and not become the personal I complain about. Though I do in fact take extreme pleasure in slowing way down when I am being tailgated...

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/14/2014 at 10:38

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My favourite is when you're on an empty-ish highway, in the left lane overtaking slower traffic and somebody in middle lane (which is COMPLETELY empty in front of them) moves over in front of you. Also the far right lane is completly empty as well. That them earns them a middle finger as I go around them. What I truly wish I could do though is to get up under them, get them loose and put them into the barrier...

Bad Idea Hat > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/14/2014 at 10:48

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The other day, I saw a person stop on the shoulder and back up a good distance to the exit ramp they missed.

This would be crazy on a normal ramp, but this was an interchange between two interstate highways, with the resulting higher speeds and such.

UKGTR335 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/14/2014 at 11:16

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Hilarious and true. Also guilty of this.

NSFW, depending on where you work.

deekster_caddy > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/14/2014 at 11:28

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I've got three quick tales of "don't know what the fuck they're doing" from yesterday's northeast snowstorm:

1) leaving my parking lot at work. Notice new employee struggling to clear the snow off her car. I go over to help. Advise her to start the engine and turn on the front and rear defrosters, as this will... well I don't need to explain that here do I. It took 3 times explaining it before she actually went and started the engine though. She admitted to me that this was her second time driving in snow. She asks me to help move her car from it's unplowed space into the unplowed lane. I do, it moves just fine, no traction problems. I put her behind the wheel and say "be very gentle with the pedals". I think I have explained myself but she nails the gas and veers away, spraying snow everywhere and barely moving. I shake my head and hope for the best. Sorry lady.

2) The highway is not moving. After 1/2 hour and 1 mile I get off onto a busy side highway, which is also not moving. I turn off onto another busy feeder road that goes up a hill, which is basically unplowed and covered with 6-8 inches of sloppy powdery snow. I stop, because 4 cars are blocking the hill. I go to the 2nd car up the hill, a crown vic with not very good tires. I tell him "go back down, you can't make it up this hill. Find a different road." He agrees, turns his wheel left to hook a u turn and continues trying to go up, which doesn't work. I finally convince him to turn the wheel the other way and back up so we can get him going across the hill instead of up! You know, stop fighting gravity? After a few minutes of gesturing at him which way to turn the steering wheel I get him turned around.

3) Now the guy who had to stop next to me while I got the stuck panther pointed the right way gives it a go. late 90's accord, summer tires. He spins and smokes the wheels. I point to him to turn around and go back. He doesn't seem to speak english. He spins and smokes the tires another 15 feet or so before it won't go any further. I finally go stand in front of his car and point the way he needs to go. Once he finally starts, I give him a sideways push and get him pointed down the hill.

Finally, the major obstructions are gone. I get back in my car and creep/drive normally on up the hill. I feel somewhat smug for having snow tires.

What is it that people don't get about "you can't go that way" and "Physicists say it just isn't going to work"? Crappy tires will not get you up a snow covered hill, no matter how much you make them spin!

Dunnik > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/14/2014 at 18:28

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We fix it by making driving training mandatory in all jurisdictions in the world, ideally as part of a high school program (just like in the good 'ol days).

Until then, the tips above are great but I'll add my own.

It's something I'm sure we all do: make certain assumptions about certain cars. Like if you drive X, you're probably going to drive like an asshat, and that I should prepare accordingly. Or that if you drive Y, you fail at driving and probably life too and that I should prepare for anything.

LetsDrive > Bad Idea Hat 02/19/2014 at 11:33

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One of the most dangerous situations I've been involved in, was a person who decided they didn't want to get on the highway, so they started to back up on an entrance ramp.

Mind you, this is a loop that people are accelerating on as they are getting up to highway speeds, so you're pretty much not expecting a person to be backing up as you're cornering. I was lucky enough to dodge this person, but I always wonder if someone was less fortunate.

AWD_OWNZ_U > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 02/20/2014 at 19:59

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The easiest way to avoid all of that in California is to ride a motorcycle. I get 40 mpg+, can do the quarter mile in the 11s, and I never get stuck in traffic. Plus if more people ride traffic decreases for everyone!

thebigbossyboss > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 02/21/2014 at 11:25

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I hate that. Nova Scotians are the worst for that. I don't even live remotely close to Nova Scotia, but everytime someone does that it's a bloody Nova Scotia liscense plate. WTF was the point?