Top 10 New Cars For Jalops With Money

"Raphmoe" (raphmoe) 11/18/2014 at 09:06 • Filed to: Journalism, Raphmoe, Jouranlismism, Jalopnik Reviews, Cars of oppo, car review, bmw, ford, st

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After conducting absolutely no actual market research and instead read all of your comments in oppositelock, the front page, and reading articles on the world wide web I, your humble correspondence, Raphmoe, has compiled a list of the Top 10 cars for true jalops that want to buy a new car that is one for one of us: a gearhead Jalop. This list is quite comprehensive and I hope you enjoy it, let me know what you think after the jump.

1. 2015 Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat ($59,995)

Model bloat at it's finest. The Dodge Hellcat is a fat pig of a car. It has no manual. It has an insanely bonkers engine with more HP/Pound than almost any other car on the market; 707 HP! That is a HUGE number. That's what makes it amazing! Even though it has subpar handling; it's a cool muscle car! That's fat. But it comes from Detroit, which makes it good. The best part is is that it only comes with an automatic transmission, so there's no need to worry about car control or soul, you can just plant your foot and go! The Hellcat is amazing because it comes from Mopar and does not have a manual transmission. What a bargain.

2. 2016 Ford Shelby GT350 ($TBD)

Ford really has outdone themselves this time. They've created a perfect track day weapon that we simply LUST after. It has a flat-plane V8, which is only awesome now because it is in a Ford, when it was in a Ferrari it was hilarious because that's why Ferraris light on fire; because they aren't from Detroit. Being that the GT350 is from Detroit it is truly a great car that we all should buy. The GT350 is amazing because it has a proper manual and not a shitty slush box like the hellcat; yeah, we know our reasoning doesn't make sense, but we are passionate about it.

3. 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage ($12,995)

Perfection in car form. Just look at that beautiful car. Flowing lines, expertly crafted door and body panel seams; tiny wheels that are light weight (simple and added lightness). Oh, and did I mention you can row your own? Yeah, we love it. It has a 3 cylinder engine that provides power to the wheels. You can chirp the tires and launch the car because the tires on it are really, really bad - but if we write about it some more you'll believe it's because it has power for a light weight car. This is a lie and we know it. But, it's an underdog. Underdogs are great and I love them. The interior panels rattle, road noise is atrocious, and if you get in to an accident you will die. But who cares? You didn't wast your money on a car from a beige Japanese manufacturer; you bought a Mitsubishi. What a properly brilliant car.

4. 2015 Ford Focus ST ($26,750)

This is the go to for Jalops that want to spend money on a quick, fun to drive, even faster to depreciate, hatchback ball of hoonery. 6 Speed Manual, Recaros, Ford build quality: simply magnificent. It's almost as much fun to drive as the Mitsubishi Mirage and will always put a smile on your face. It has fail wheel drive but that doesn't matter because Subaru sucks and does not come from Detroit. Being from Detroit, the ST is a better car for your money.

5. 2015 Ford Fiesta ST ($23,000)

This is pretty much, the entry level Jalop car. It's fun, it's fast, it has a 6 speed manual and a proper third pedal. It's great. The best part about the Fiesta ST is it has identical performance and fun factor to the Focus ST but is in a smaller package. This is good because the two of them are competing with each other for the people that are actually just going to go and buy a Mustang when they're at a Ford dealership. Foolish! Mustangs are driven by sorority girls and trust fund babies (maybe, I don't really know) wheras if you work hard and have a lot of money yourself you can buy the Fiesta ST. The Smoking Tire bought one; so should you.

6. 2015 Mercedes C300 ($45,000)

Model bloated, soft supple lines, an anemic engine, a mediocre transmission, a Mercedes interior, and an ipad sticking out of the dashboard like a 16 year old in shop class just completed his first "car stereo install". What a great cruiser for the money. Mercedes knocked this one out of the park, it's perfect for running errands, driving around town and providing transportation when you need it. That's what cars are for, right? I would buy one, if I had money. Which I don't, but this is a list for Jalops with money so you should buy it.

7. 1994 Mazda Miata NA 1.8 ($TBD)

As we continue on the list we come to the answer to all questions which is of course "why buy a new car when you can buy a 20+ year old car?" Well, if it's new to you, it's a new car. Forget that it's been on the road longer than all Freshman in college have been alive because this car has two souls. One, that allows you to feel passion and wonderment while driving, and another that teaches you how to wrench. This car, is great. Manual transmission, overhead Cam shafts, oil to lubricate the engine, and 1.8L of pure Japanese muscle roadster delight. Rust is an issue, but deal with it later. You might ask yourself, Raphmoe, y u no list price? Because price is irrelevant to a car like this. The sky is the limit for driving pleasure, and if you really want to get pounded hard like two freshmen bumping uglies in the stairwell you have to keep spending money until it hurts.

8. 2015 Volkswagen Beetle ($23,000)

Essentially a Baja Bug in a suit, I love the beetle. The VW Beetle is such a rare and cool car that you don't see them alot. Buying a new one is an investment because these cars are instant classics. The flower power good looks, the bulbous shape, it's brilliantly good. It has an engine and transmission that you can use to get you to and fro. I am saving up to buy one; if you have the money, buy one now.

9. Subaru BRZ Series.blue ($29,490)

The last real sports car available on the market. If you ignore anything from Lexus, Hyundai, Mazda, or Toyota, that is. The BRZ is the cream of the crop of great handling road cars. It's steering is communicative and precision. It has great looks and comfortable seats. The boxer rumble is there, but barely, It's a car. It drives, and is rear wheel drive and when you row down the road shifting gears you'll be happy you spent $30,000 on a $20,000 car because it FEELS good. Frankly, that's what matters. That's why these cars are great. They speak to us as jalops.

10. 2015 BMW i8 ($135,700)

Topping off the list is the greatest car to ever be made. The BMW i8. It's fast. It's fun. It's a hybrid. It's an automatic. It's gorgeous. The sharp, crisp, smooth swooping lines are exceptional for an erudite jalop that prides themselves in getting the most performance for the dollar. The i8 does that. The future is now with this car; for Jalops with money, there is no better car than this.

Thanks for reading. What did I miss or get wrong?

William Byrd > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:08

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Nice, some nice options on there, several I have, or would purchase.

Hellcat Challenger has a manual though. Hellcat Charger does not.

Vimto > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:09

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Fairly certain you can get the Hellcat Challenger with a manual; its the Charger that is auto only.

Raphmoe > William Byrd 11/18/2014 at 09:12

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I meant the Charger, edited for clarity.

Raphmoe > Vimto 11/18/2014 at 09:13

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Yeah, I meant the Charger, edited for clairty.

BigBlock440 > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:14

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It has no manual.

*pictured: car with a manual

Also, not sure where you get "sub-par" handling. What's par, a go-cart?

Raphmoe > BigBlock440 11/18/2014 at 09:15

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Edited for clarity; was meant to be the Charger. Sub-par like Mopar.

Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:16

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This List Brought To You By VWVortex and /r/cars.

Coty > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:16

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Oh come on did it have to be the same color as mine?

Least it's a different trim level/ wheel color.

Raphmoe > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready 11/18/2014 at 09:16

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And www.Jalopnik.com

BATC42 > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:17

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Might I suggest getting a (used) Evo along the Mirage? And drop the drivetrain from the Evo into the Mirage.

Coty > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:18

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Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:19

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I don't know, that site is composed of several different writers with many different opinions, and no two commenters are the same. Except for Waymoe and Brian1321.

DoYouEvenShift > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:19

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The Hellcat is the only car on that list I would buy.

Raphmoe > BATC42 11/18/2014 at 09:19

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That should be an easy swap.

Raphmoe > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready 11/18/2014 at 09:22

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I do not know either.

BATC42 > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:23

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If some crazy Brits can shoehorn a Celica GT-Four drivetrain into an orginal Mini, this swap can probably be done.

(here is Project Binky : http://www.badobsessionmotorsport.co.uk/test/index.php… )

Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:24

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Know what?

BrtStlnd > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:24

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Curious to hear your thoughts on the best car for Jalops with money & kids...

BigBlock440 > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:25

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Nevermind, I see what you were going for. You didn't write this, the internet did.

Raphmoe > BrtStlnd 11/18/2014 at 09:27

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That is a great idea for a list; perhaps I will compile it this week.

Raphmoe > BigBlock440 11/18/2014 at 09:27

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We are the internet.

Raphmoe > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready 11/18/2014 at 09:27

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I do not know what you don't know.

Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:29

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Neither do I.

Kate's Dirty Sister > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:29

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Jalops with money are not simply putting their money on depreciating goods (or bads, for that matter) like you pretend.

They invest in pure American iron (and armor all)

Funktheduck > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:32

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I'll take 2, 5, and 10.

No way you're ever getting me into a mirage:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=K1BGtb…

Raphmoe > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready 11/18/2014 at 09:33

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Such is life.

Funktheduck > BATC42 11/18/2014 at 09:33

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Until you die:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=K1BGtb…

Raphmoe > Kate's Dirty Sister 11/18/2014 at 09:33

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I love the color!

BrtStlnd > DoYouEvenShift 11/18/2014 at 09:33

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i8 wouldn't be on your lottery checklist?

Funktheduck > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready 11/18/2014 at 09:34

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That's the only explanation for the new beetle. I don't recall anyone on jalopnik lusting after one of those.

Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > Funktheduck 11/18/2014 at 09:35

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Yeah, I think there is one person here who has one, everyone(who isn't a troll or a jerk) respects his choice but few here personally want one.

JR1 > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:36

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Old Carroll would be proud. I would own this bad boy in a second

BATC42 > Funktheduck 11/18/2014 at 09:37

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I'll put a rollcage in.

Raphmoe > JR1 11/18/2014 at 09:37

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is gorgeous

JR1 > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:39

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Let us not forget in an age of forced induction this baby is all natural

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:40

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You missed the obligatory 1 ton diesel 4x4 dualie, with 26 foot box trailer.

Because Track Day Tow Vehicle, Brah.

DoYouEvenShift > BrtStlnd 11/18/2014 at 09:42

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Sorry, I dont think its a bad car at all. But it does nothing for me.

I know theyre not the same, but Model S for me!!!

Sn210 > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:42

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*11. VW Golf R Wagon

Kate's Dirty Sister > BrtStlnd 11/18/2014 at 09:48

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Same list.

Kids should not interfere with Jalopness

BrtStlnd > DoYouEvenShift 11/18/2014 at 09:56

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I can't criticize that choice. The Model S is also an amazing car.

ihm96 > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 09:57

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There's no way you actually read all of the comments, therefore everything you wrote is now invalid

Raphmoe > ihm96 11/18/2014 at 09:58

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hyperbole doe

BrtStlnd > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready 11/18/2014 at 09:59

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Victorious Secret?

Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > BrtStlnd 11/18/2014 at 10:01

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Ha no.

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 10:01

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I thought the Challenger had the manual from the Viper?

Raphmoe > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet 11/18/2014 at 10:03

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The Charger doesn't.

extraspecialbitter > BATC42 11/18/2014 at 10:05

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u tryin to r5 , m8???

BATC42 > extraspecialbitter 11/18/2014 at 10:06

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I hadn't seen that. This is so cool !

Luc - The Acadian Oppo > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 10:08

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I'm surprise the Challenger R/T Scat Pack is not on the list? it's actually a way better value than the hellcat. The Scat Pack has the best dollar per HP ratio of any CAR out there(some base model v8 trucks have it beat tho).

The Challenger Scat Pack is a mere $78/hp where the hellcat is $85/hp and at 485hp it is more than enough to get yourself in serious trouble with the federales.

Which makes the Scat Pack the performance bargain of the decade.

StndIbnz, Drives a MSRT8 > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 10:58

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Just replace the BRZ w/ the FRS Series 1.0 and you're good.

BrtStlnd > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready 11/18/2014 at 11:01

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*gives side eye*

Brian Silvestro > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 11:22

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DAT EXACT CAR

Raphmoe > Brian Silvestro 11/18/2014 at 11:24

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REAL JALOP ON BOARD

Raphmoe > BrtStlnd 11/18/2014 at 11:25

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*gives brown eye*

GhostZ > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 11:54

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What, no Chevy spark? Hasn't the Mirage been panned by most reviewers for a variety of problems? Stat-wise they identical except that the Spark is actually considered safe.

Kate's Dirty Sister > Raphmoe 11/18/2014 at 12:29

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Carroll was a gorgeous badass

Kate's Dirty Sister > DoYouEvenShift 11/18/2014 at 12:29

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It would make your avatar looks stupid.

Kate's Dirty Sister > DoYouEvenShift 11/18/2014 at 12:30

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Can confirm, model S is the huge tits, but would also make your avatar looks stupid.

DoYouEvenShift > Kate's Dirty Sister 11/18/2014 at 12:33

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Haha, didnt even think about that! Im willing to make sacrifices.

DoYouEvenShift > Kate's Dirty Sister 11/18/2014 at 12:34

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Ill change my name to Doyouevenelectron. And change my avatar to a lightning bolt.

Kate's Dirty Sister > DoYouEvenShift 11/18/2014 at 12:35

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Haha ! That would be so NSFJ

Funktheduck > Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready 11/18/2014 at 12:42

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That's what I meant. People should drive whatever makes them happy

Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready > Funktheduck 11/18/2014 at 15:46

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Yes, within reason—as in, unless it endangers health/safety/comfort to a great extent of other people.

Jonathan Harper > Raphmoe 11/20/2014 at 13:19

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Silvester?

Jonathan Harper > Raphmoe 11/20/2014 at 13:19

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nobody buy these they're crap, trust me I crashed one once

Jonathan Harper > Raphmoe 11/20/2014 at 13:20

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I like your consistent formatting throughout.

Raphmoe > Jonathan Harper 11/21/2014 at 10:52

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Thank you, I'm working hard to be a better journalist.