Rant in reply.

"Nibby" (nibby68) 10/08/2014 at 18:23 • Filed to: None

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I don't have anyone I know in real life that I trust enough to share this with. I was thinking of talking to one of my professors about it (she knows me well and is easily approachable).

Nibby > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:24

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There was a Chinese classmate of mine yesterday talking about how so many int'l students, especially Chinese ones, feel like they have no sense of belonging. I asked him if he feels that way and he told me he does. I offered him out for lunch and found out he and a bunch of other Chinese classmates are going away for the weekend for a trip. (My program is literally half Chinese). The strange this is, today in class I tried talking to him (Hey, how's it goin') and he just said a meek "hi" and went back to browsing whatever he was looking at.

I told him yesterday it's okay to feel that way and I feel the same way. It's not just international students. I've talked about this to my undergrad classmates and they ALL agree they feel the same way.

But each and every one of those people are way more socially active than I am.

Every time I try to make plans with a classmate, it never works out. "I have other plans/I can't make it/I'm busy, some other time" etc. And the classic "Sorry man, I overslept" etc.

I always have to be the one to initiate conversations, unless someone wants something from me. The other day I posted about that girl who I haven't seen in over 1.5 years and she asked me a question about which web host to use. I gave her an answer and she didn't even say thanks or anything.

People come to me asking for help with projects, writing, homework, etc. teach them how to do whatever. And generally they help me out too if I need it. But it is damn near impossible to see my classmates outside of class. The fact that it's been only a little more than a month and I've seen my professors more outside of class than my own classmates... (though generally I get along better with older adults than people my age).

My sister has the same issues I do.. it's not just me.

I hate this fucking place.

bob and john > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:24

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Dont see the rant yet, but dont worry man, Oppo is here for yea

Nibby > bob and john 10/08/2014 at 18:24

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Thanks mate. Rant is posted now.

bob and john > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:28

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ehh. Society. fuck them.

I was never socially active. I had 2-3 buddies that I always stayed in touch with. I barely hung out with anyone during my first year of uni. Does it suck? yea. but, thats life. I ended up making a KILLER halloween costume in my spare time and scared the SHIT out of my house.

jkm7680 > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:29

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Do you feel somewhat out of place there? It's strange, because it doesn't sound like you are the problem at all.

But remember, OPPO is always here to help!

Nibby > jkm7680 10/08/2014 at 18:32

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In a way, I feel at home. But when it comes to interacting with other students, it often feels very distant.

thebigbossyboss > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:33

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I know that feel a bit. I have found it difficult to integrate when my peers are often speaking to eachother in languages I don't comprehend. This is why I hang out with the Nigerians. They all talk to eachother in english!

That and I also don't get integrals. Lol.

Nibby > bob and john 10/08/2014 at 18:33

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My projects and homework assignments often scare my classmates. :D

I was never one to be very social either, but I have always had at least a couple close friends everywhere I went. You don't need many friends, just a few very good ones.

Nibby > thebigbossyboss 10/08/2014 at 18:35

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Hahah, yeah! Some of my foreign classmates ask me for English help and I gladly help them... but there is also a line I draw where I tell them "I gotta be able to finish my work first before helping you!"

bob and john > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:35

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yep./ I was always the weird one, what with my obession with bikes and cars and motorcycles.
I did game, even though it was mostly racing games.

if you looking for some cheap kicks to pass the time, could I recommend watch the Zero punctuation series on escaptist? I always got a good laugh out of those

SVTyler > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:36

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I think this is just a result of of being in college; people are so busy the only thing they have time for is school work. I'm in the same boat; I can't remember the last time I hung out with anyone in my classes that didn't involve homework or studying for exams or something like that. It doesn't help that, like you, I don't drink or party so that seriously limits what kind of social activities you can participate in even with the little free time you do have.

thebigbossyboss > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:38

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Yes of course. I just mean that when two people are in your class speaking in another language you don't get, then there's no way you can contribute to the conversation. Try to meet people outside your program it'll help. Most unis have student societies for various interests go to one of the events in something that interests you and you will meet people.

Nibby > thebigbossyboss 10/08/2014 at 18:39

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Yeah, tis true. I'm technically in the same school I went to undergrad in so I have access to any program I want. I should find out if that Chicken & Rice club still exists.

Dsscats > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:41

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You kinda just described my life. I have decent friends and it's awesome when we hang out, but they're always "busy"

505Turbeaux > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:41

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People in school are in a very awkward time in life, so that is one thing. People of a particular group in a perceived minority are going to be prone to feeling isolated as well to compound that. In my school they almost actively stayed amongst their own which is a comfort zone till they figure out life and social interactions. Same thing goes for people that don't show appreciation for your assistance. It is just a weird time that most will grow out of in time. All I can say is don't let it affect you. It sounds like you are showing qualities of a good person, maybe a little earlier than your peers. While it is frustrating, just keep on keeping on. Those qualities will serve you well later in life. Don't let it get you down brother. All in due time. We are here for you

Nibby > SVTyler 10/08/2014 at 18:41

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Yeah, I understand that as well. It's easy for people to tell me "Sorry, I'm so busy" "too much work, etc."

I'm taking 4 graduate classes and work part time as well. I still manage to have a decent amount of free time that ends up being spent on weird personal projects and whatnot.

College and grad school is all about managing your time effectively.

Nibby > bob and john 10/08/2014 at 18:42

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Thanks, I'll look into 0.

Unfortunately, going to school in NYC is a bit detrimental to having a car here. :/

If I had my own car here it would make my life so much better.

Nibby > Dsscats 10/08/2014 at 18:44

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Glad we both feel the same way! It's annoying at times.

Nibby > 505Turbeaux 10/08/2014 at 18:45

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Thank you so much. My parents taught my sisters and I that it doesn't matter where you're from, what your religion is, if you're gay/straight/trans/etc.

What matters is inside. If you're a good person.

I always wanted to go inside my peers' worlds but no one ever invites me to them.

505Turbeaux > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:49

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what your parents taught you is truth, 100%.

You should have heard my fathers "sex talk" with me. I look back and thought it was hilarious at the time, but utter truth if I ever heard it.

I had a very hard time earlier in life with my personal interactions with people, but was so outgoing by college I only have an outsiders view. It will happen when you get into other peoples circle, and that is when you make your real lifelong friends. May I ask what year in school you are?

Nibby > 505Turbeaux 10/08/2014 at 18:53

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Can I hear your dad;s sex talk? It sounds intriguing.

I'm in my final year of my masters

Hermann > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:55

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I know this feeling. Had a very similar problem. My grad was weird. We alternated 1 month of classes and 1 month of Internship. Half of my colleagues came from other states and cities. So there was a kind of separation between "Students who live with their parents" and "Students who live in dorms during class months and go back to their parents for the itnernship months".

Me and 2 chicks were the only ones who lived in the dorms, because we had internships in companies near the school. God all those people were awful. And damn, was that depressing. Having a dorm for no one but you for a month isn't as fun as it sounds.

Do you live alone?

505Turbeaux > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:59

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lol sure. So I was 13, around that time when your pa sits you down to talk about the birds and the bees. He pulls out a condom and makes sure I know what it is and how to use it. I think I had taken some from his drawer and blew them up into balloons which I thought was just dandy. Then came the funny part, and coming from my dad, young republicans club of 1960 and all. "So now I have to tell you, everyone on the face of the earth is cool. If you are gay that is cool, hell I even had a friend in high school named Chris, and now her name is Christina, and if that is how it goes down, that is pretty damn ok also. So go out into the world and be whoever you are going to be, we will always love you and you will always have friends. Don't worry about it. Got it?"

Yes dad, snickering

"Ok we are done here"

SVTyler > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 18:59

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Maybe they're just uncomfortable with hanging out with new people because they feel so isolated? I'm not going to lie, I've declined invites to things not because I didn't want to go, but because I didn't feel like I'd fit in or belong there. I'm even wary of an Oppo meet-up not because of other people but because of how I'm wired. Vicious circle kind of thing, maybe: "I don't do anything with new people because I don't feel like I fit in, I don't feel like I fit in because I don't ever do anything with new people."

Nibby > Hermann 10/08/2014 at 19:00

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I live with my sister, who shares the same issue with me about this. Except she doesn't handle it very well...

Anon > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:01

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I think I know how you feel man. I'm terrible at socializing with people despite wanting to. I'm not quick witted, funny, or interested in hunting or fishing, so I'm kind of alienated down here. I also am autistic so I'm terrible at relating with people and being interested in what they're talking about. I also sometimes feel like people are constantly faking being nice and that everyone secretly hates me, even if it isn't the case. Anyways if you ever need someone to talk to my email is Alex7302@gmail.com. Also if you want to show me how to make gifs I finally got photoshop!!

Nibby > 505Turbeaux 10/08/2014 at 19:01

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That's the most epic sex ed I've ever heard.

Nibby > SVTyler 10/08/2014 at 19:02

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I would understand that if these were people I just met, but most of these are people I've known since January.

Nibby > Anon 10/08/2014 at 19:05

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YAS

I'll send you an email soon and we can do a photoshop session! I'm actually free tonight if you want to do it now.

Hang in there... pro-tip. Don't worry what other people think about. It doesn't matter how others perceive you; just worry about how you perceive yourself and try to improve yourself constantly.

Anon > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:09

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Yeah! Send me your skype info. I can't really talk until about 10 your time (if you're still in long island) but if we can't do it today then I'm up for tomorrow.

SVTyler > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:15

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Honestly, I've had classes with the same people for three years and know most of them by name, and I still don't feel like I know them well enough to hang out or invite them to things. In a way, it's almost worse: I've known these dudes for years now, we should be better friends and more comfortable with each other, but since we're not there must be something wrong with me and I shouldn't force the issue. Not that that's necessarily how I feel in my situation, but rather how your classmates might feel.

Maybe their experience as feeling alone and not belonging through four years of undergrad has kind of turned them off to socialization altogether. That's kind of what I'm dealing with right now, I see people who have made friends as freshmen going out and partying and rooming together taking the same classes and think I'm just too late for any of that. This is just my perspective as an extremely introverted person so take it as you will.

505Turbeaux > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:16

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it was pretty bad ass

petebmwm > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:17

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just remember, you do you, don't care about what any one else is doing, or who they're doing it with, don't be a dick, go with the flow, but just remember, at the end of the day, they need you more than you need them, and let them understand that if you help, it's a favor, one day you may need one ( but not likely. ) be " a good guy to know." but not a push over, find things you're interested in doing and go there, you'll meet like minded people, stop trying to make plans with classmates, they're like co workers, class is work. have your life outside of that, the less they know the better. This will make you mysterious and intriguing, maybe even a bit dangerous, and women love that

Sweet Trav > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:20

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I've been there. It took three things, First. Join an extracurricular club. Forensics, underwater basket weaving, shotgun cleaning club. doesnt matter. get around people doing similar things and you're bound to make friends. for me it was Mock Trial. I met my best friend there who i can literally count on anything for.

Second, if your schedule permits, get a job in retail, preferably sales. i know that retail sales has had a massive impact on what i could do socially. I was even in a supervisory role and learned how to talk to people in many different situations. I met two of my Ex girlfriends at work, they were customers.

Third, and this is the one that sucks the most... Time. Yep college is a shitty place, especially if you're in a demanding or competitive field. I was a Public Law and Government major, so you had you crazy type A people but the rest were reasonably laid back and never turned away from a drink. to be honest, i still get along with people older or younger than me. people my own age seem to be into such trivial shit. Younger people want to learn, older people have moved past the trivial.

You'll be ok. just ride the storm out and remember all of oppo is here for you.

Hermann > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:23

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Damn... This is awful. I really feel for you guys. I wish I could put into words how to overcome this. I can relate very well to what you said.

Does she hang out with you, like going to bars? Are you good friends?

Best thing is to get your mind occupied with the studies and things you can have fun with under the given situation. Feeling alone among hundreds of people is horrible, but it gets better.

I started hanging out on good old Jalopnik.com/forum/oppositelock because of this. Back when Nibbles was still a thing, and not Kinja. And it was the connection of people here who kept me sane.

Nibby > SVTyler 10/08/2014 at 19:23

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"Maybe their experience as feeling alone and not belonging through four years of undergrad has kind of turned them off to socialization altogether"

I understand exactly how you feel. I'm in a few ways like that, but I still see some of my undergrad friends/classmates occasionally. Thanks!

Nibby > petebmwm 10/08/2014 at 19:24

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I'm already mysterious and dangerous.

I'm well aware I'm a danger to myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm not a danger to others. Never thought of classmates being like co-workers but I see your point!

Nibby > Sweet Trav 10/08/2014 at 19:26

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Yeah, I have a part time job with a designer. I like it a lot; they're really nice and they're around my age so we tend to be on the same page.

I think I'm dealing with this better than how I dealt with it in undergrad. Most of my classmates really didn't care about anything except for themselves (and a lot of them complained to me about how everyone seems so selfish). I thought it was a bit amusing.

Nibby > Hermann 10/08/2014 at 19:29

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I love oppo and it kinda keeps me relatively sane. My sister is probably the person I am closest to. We get along very well for the most part.

We both don't drink and such, but I will at least go inside bars if I'm with people.

bob and john > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:32

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I know. I dont have a car either, I just do my own thing in my room for the most part,

petebmwm > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:48

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imagine it as 2 different worlds, the classroom is the smaller of the 2, the other world being your life outside of the classroom, the people in the class are smaller than the class itself, therefore, less important than the class, and less important than your world outside of the class. you are yourself, you are your world, do what you like when you like ( within reason..you get it.) you being your world, doing your thing will create a social gravity, people will come to you, be social, not eager. aproachable, but not readily available even if you are. your time is valuable, and every minute you spend doing someone a thankless favor they are stealing your time. don't waste time trying to figure out what you're doing wrong, the sense of belonging will come when you find something to belong to.. belong to yourself on your terms. don't be a dick. it's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.

Hermann > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 19:58

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That's excellent. Having each other is a big, big help.

I understand how much of a dark place the loneliness can be. Hell, I moved out months after my father past away. I was wrecked, alone in a city 1000km away from my friends. I'm not really sure how the general townspeople are where you live. Here (São Paulo), people are kinda used to the loneliness in a huge city. This helped, because people in bars were as lonely as I was.

I realized later that the good old fuckit was the best solution to cope with these people who rant they don't belong, but don't help to get over it. These guys are likely not even in the same page as you, even though it looks like they are. Have you tried searching for clubs and meetings of subjects that interest you? Or with a coworker even?

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 20:52

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haha, wait till you're nearly 30 and all your mates are married with kids or moved out of state.

Vicente Esteve > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 21:24

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Nibby, I dont really have anything "helpful" to add. A lot of people here have felt the same, and understand the situation (Im not even a senior in High School). I just have to say that as time comes by you will get to meet some cool people. I have friends of which only I hang out with, and you know, they are very happy people, because its not about the amount of friends but the closeness. I get along with a lot of people as well as my girlfriend, and I can assure you only 5 or less will mean something to you later on. Whatever goes on, don't worry, you are very cool and a very important person to us. Even if we cant hang out. Stay awesome Nibby!

Nibby > Vicente Esteve 10/08/2014 at 21:56

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Thank you so much for your kind words.

Sn210 > Nibby 10/08/2014 at 22:09

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I could write about how I feel the same and tell you how anti-social I am because people just suck in general , or i can just post this S class which I think would cheer you up better.

Nibby > Sn210 10/08/2014 at 22:33

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HNNGGGG NEED Thanks!

Svend > Nibby 10/09/2014 at 00:05

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I understand what your going through. I was a forces brat and never got to mix with people my own age. I'm 34 now and haven't changed much. People come to me for help and advice and then disappear just as quickly as they came.

Try a different take. Find something you enjoy and maybe see if there are like minded people in your area. I took to detailing to relax and found a forum and there are 72,000 members world wide there are a few in my city but we all have a different sub-culture and likes but that doesn't stop meet ups and exchanging products and advice.

Rather than trying in your college group look further afield at local groups (sometimes it's good to be a part of a group that you don't see everyday and able to talk your freely about things that are on your mind.

orcim > Nibby 10/09/2014 at 03:57

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I'm older. Had the same experience in school. Some reflections from my life (not pretending it's part of *your* life. This is *not* advice.. just.. *my* experience.)

People at this age aren't your tribe, even if they are presented as your tribe, shoved into your life as your tribe, and/or treated like your tribe by everything around you. You will make your own tribe over the next 10 years and beyond. Bank on that - and don't worry about whether it's happening right now (even though you will - that's the hate this place thing.)

Those folk that want connection, just like you do, can't get there from here because they are young. They don't know what they want, really. (It's the difference of "what do I want" And "what do I need?" Those two questions when done right really get different answers.) Could you go out of your way to connect to them? Sure you could, with the appropriate expenditure of energy. They would see you as an assoc., friend, good friend, lover, etc. But you'd be the one choosing to bridge the gap between you.. and most people don't have the energy to reciprocate or maintain it (witness: no time, too busy, etc.) Even you, I'd bet, if it you'd got invited someplace, would be "too busy" unless it passed some threshold of interest. That's them. If you want it, you can have it, but be ready to expend the Max Energy to do it. (Some people do this naturally.. they usually go into Sales.)

Now the good part. When you define yourself, clearly, many times out of school and into the job market a bit but sometimes sooner, everything seems to get clearer. Who you want to connect with, what you really enjoy, how you enjoy it, etc. People around you, maybe even mostly subconsciously, understand who you are and can connect on that level. Those are the connections you're gonna have for the rest of your life. It's not a lot, it's a handful. But 5 good ones are worth 1000 mediocre ones in my mind.

Nibby > orcim 10/09/2014 at 08:39

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First off, thanks a lot for sharing your experience. I do for the most part focus mainly on school work and my part time gig but I never thought of the whole energy spending notion you describe. It seems people are either content where they are presently or they are uneasy or uncomfortable with their peers. There's always this plateau that you reach with classmates.

Nibby > Svend 10/09/2014 at 08:42

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That's what Oppo is for! :P

I guess I should take your advice and try to seek out people outside of school to meet with. Thanks