"PS9" (PS9)
08/30/2013 at 21:43 • Filed to: wtfriday
35
17|
"PS9" (PS9)
08/30/2013 at 21:43 • Filed to: wtfriday | 35
| 17 |
Are you looking for a car right now? Shut up. Of course you are. I already know what car you want; the Porsche 911 Turbo. It's the car you want because it's the car everyone wants because it's the only one with 560 MUTHAFUCKIN HORSEPOWER
We need to juxtapose that number. If your erections contained as much power as this engine does at peak RPM, every awesome set of tits you see could empower you to launch people into space. YOU COULD LAUNCH PEOPLE INTO SPACE WITH YOUR DICK.
SUCK MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK
!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!
Enough about dicks though because I don't swing that way. After driving this car, you might, because manliness is sexy, and this car has 560 ways to make you wanna polish that D. It's the manliest car on earth in fact. Shut up. No. Don't you dare, don't you dare mention the Veyron. 'Hey, doesn't that car have 1000 muthafuckin-' SHUT IT .
All of those horsepowers were made in France, and everyone knows french horsepower is, like 1/10th as potent as normal horsepower. *During double-ya-double-ya-two, when 911 turbos and GT3s were rolling over the french countryside, where the hell were your veyrons and crazy ass citorens then?(by the way...what the hell is wrong with those people?) Running for their petrol fueled lives screaming for the hillside, that's where. Because the 911 turbo is the vehicular equivalent of Jason, Chucky, Freddie Kruger, The Incredible Hulk and Slender Man combined. It's pure concentrated turbocharged German terror. Don't call them cowards. They were right to run for their lives, and you would to if you saw this face running your ass down.
*(History books have a different portrayal of the war, because they're wrong. And boring. And they suck)
Now, look at your car. Now back to the 911. Now your car. Now the 911. Now answer me this; is your car even 1/100th as awesome and the 911 turbo? If you answered no, then you deserve a treat for your honesty. Neither was mine, so I immediately took it to the scrap yard and had it crushed, burned, crushed again, then melted down, to make damn sure no one else had to endure driving it as I did. The wife was not pleased by this. She was even less pleased when I told here I'd spent our retirement on a 911 Turbo s. She told me it was the car, or our marriage. You know what I told her?
I've got 560 muthafuckin reasons to be happy now. What do I need to be married for? Why indeed!
Now, now, for those of you with spouses who actually want the 911 turbo as much as you do, I know what you're thinking. "But PS9, if I get this car, won't it have more sex with my own wife than I get to?" and you are correct. This car is totally gonna cut more tail than you could have hoped to in ten thousand lifetimes. It's not fair. A human can't have 560 muthafuckin horsepower hooked up to a Doppelkupplungsgetriebe (I can't even fucking pronounce that. Can you fucking pronounce that?). A human can't make the orgasmic noises this car make at peak RPM. A human can't accelerate you to 60 mph in less than four seconds, so no human will have the raw sex appeal that a 911 turbo does. No human could survive that in fact. If one human male had the same level of appeal this car does, he would just be at the center of a permanent walking orgy ball flinging panties and bodily fluids wherever it went.
Like this, but with people.
So yeah. I don't know what to tell you, bro. If you want this car, you're gonna have to make some sacrifices. I don't want to pretend there are zero downsides to owning the most desirable and technologically advanced sports car in the world, so let me give it to you straight. Here's some bad stuff that will happen if you get a 911 turbo.
It will have more sex than you will. (with both you and your romantic partners)
You might become depressed realizing nothing you do will be as great creating a machine like the 911 turbo.
As a human, you can't be a 911 turbo. You might also find this depressing.
No other human will pleasure you as much as this car's exhaust note will, so it will likely destroy your marriage/relationships.
You'll lose your job because driving to and from work in it involves repeatedly leaving the cockpit. You won't want to leave the car at all eventually.
You'll go to prison for genocide if someone steals yours and you find out who they were/who their family was/what race they belonged to.
So, not all sunshine and blowjobs. Nothing is, really. Anything worth getting in life involves hard work. Like killing your boss to take his job (works in video games, right?), becoming a drug dealer, or robbing a bank. Better yet, becoming a corrupt police chief, do all of the above, and never get caught. All totally legit avenues to 911 turbo ownership, with somewhat lethal and civilization destroying consequences. Whatever. When it comes to the 911, enough is never enough, and too far is just short of perfect.
twinturbobmw
> PS9
08/30/2013 at 21:46 |
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Glad you got Spiegel in there.
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twinturbobmw
> PS9
08/30/2013 at 21:47 |
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Will you take $1,000?
Tom McParland
> PS9
08/30/2013 at 21:48 |
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The LOLs man...THE LOLs...this is fucking gold. A million Jalop points. OK I'm now going to go threaten Ballaban on Twitter to FP or else. ;)
Blondude
> PS9
08/30/2013 at 21:52 |
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I've got 560 muthafuckin reasons to be happy now. What do I need to be married for? Why indeed!
This is freaking GOLD! SO MANY LOLS!!
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twinturbobmw
> PS9
08/30/2013 at 21:52 |
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You should give this to Porsche. See if their advertisement department like it.
55Buick, Oversteer Scientist
> PS9
08/30/2013 at 21:54 |
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This is absolutely magnificent
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Tom McParland
> PS9
08/30/2013 at 22:02 |
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OK I know I haven't been around that long but could this be one of the most Oppo post ever?
Leadbull
> Tom McParland
08/30/2013 at 22:12 |
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You haven't read Brian1321's Jalopnik History installments, have you?
But, yeah, this is up there!
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Leadbull
> twinturbobmw
08/30/2013 at 22:14 |
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NO. YOU MUST ROB A BANK AND PAY IN FULL.
ACTUALLY, NO.
PAY 560 TIMES THE MSRP BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE 911 TURBO DESERVES!
moarpowerr
> PS9
08/30/2013 at 22:50 |
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Haha I don't think I have ever laughed so hard from an oppo post! Great job!
If you want horsepowers, why don't you get a vey...*
*—I have just been silenced
crown victor victoria
> PS9
08/31/2013 at 00:53 |
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MY SIDES
But! You know how I know you're crazy? You posted this on a Thursday night when there's like 1/400 the typical weekday afternoon traffic, and it got buried and overlooked.
You coulda been rich. You coulda been famous, but no. No. Not you. You're a different breed.
Seriously, this was a triumph. This is what Oppo is all about.
Stef Schrader
> PS9
08/31/2013 at 04:00 |
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You, sir, have made my day.
I ALWAYS KNEW TRAVIS WAS A SPACEMAN
Dunnik
> PS9
08/31/2013 at 04:05 |
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Mikeado
> PS9
08/31/2013 at 04:57 |
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Well then, I don't quite know how to put this, but, er... Well Done.
Just one thing. Bugatti may be French, but the Veyron has German Horsepowers. It's actually too gawdayum powerful for planet Earth, so all the Veyrons tied themselves together and blasted to Mars. It took them like 7 minutes. When you see one on Earth, it's just a hologram to fool people.
Agrajag
> PS9
09/03/2013 at 11:26 |
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Awesome.
Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment
> PS9
09/13/2013 at 14:34 |
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This is pure unadulterated fucking awesomeness. I love it. Can you review every car ever made, please?
Adam FTW
> PS9
05/14/2014 at 02:29 |
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Can we get this one on the front page? Or directly linked from http://jalopnik.com/2014-porsche-9… ?