Reasons Why I Hate German Cars

"King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider" (king-ginger)
12/22/2013 at 00:02 • Filed to: passiveagressive

I don't have any real ones but since tearing down cars appears to be a theme on here lately I figured I'll join in.

1) Audis are just pretty VWs.

2) Porsches are just fast VWs.

3) VW is a product of the Nazis (Godwin's Law Lagrange Point achieved).

4) The Quandts still have a controlling interest in BMW.

5) Mercedes are for dentists.

6) Opel doesn't compete in WRC anymore.

But let's be real...

When did being a Jalop mean being elitist? When did being a Jalop mean that you can't love cars FOR their flaws as much as their strengths? When did being a Jalop mean that you have to like only one manufacturer? Last time I checked, the most Jalop cars are often the most single purpose, the most crazy, the most different, and even (ironically) the most mainstream.

Hell, even the rating systems for cars is just some bullhockey - this isn't C&D. There aren't any winners or losers because there isn't a contest. There aren't any teams. There are just cars.

DISCUSSION (34)

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 00:08

I love German cars because they're generally the best in their segment. FYI, no VWs and Porsches share much of anything, except for a few bits in the Cayenne/Touareg and now the Macan/Q5/Tiguan. That's really it. Also there is no Volkswagen version of the A6, A8, R8, A7, or A5, and the A4 is very much changed from its humble beginnings as a Jetta. VW has as much to do with Natzis as I have to do with Saddam Hussein.

Thunder-Lips > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 00:09

It might be the little bit of smug that all german cars have built into them.....My dad owned a BMW convertible....the plates said TOPHAT

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment
12/22/2013 at 00:13

Kinja'd!!!

You mis-typed Nazi, therefore all arguments are invalid.

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > Thunder-Lips
12/22/2013 at 00:14

I actually own a top hat (true story).

Thunder-Lips > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 00:17

Some how the first thing that popped into my head was Mac and Charlie from it's always sunny in philadelphia driving in a limo with hookers and top hats.....strange.

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > Thunder-Lips
12/22/2013 at 00:18

That show always brings an (admittedly sick) smile to my face.

PanchoVilleneuve ST > Thunder-Lips
12/22/2013 at 00:25

I dislike that arrogance the fans tend to have, too. I wouldn't call it smugness, it's more of a pompousness. There's this whole attitude that German car fans tend to have, where they tend to think that they have tuned into the superior thing in all aspects, and that all others who think otherwise are totally wrong in every way. And it's beyond just being fanatical like that, they tend to act like any car made in any other country is a direct ripoff, in styling, technology or even concept, to those made in Germany. It's kinda ridiculous. Here's probably my favorite (not in a good way, mind you) example of this, posted here:

http://www.autonews.com/article/201311…

"German car makers started it all, TURBOS is another thing the copy cats in Japan follow along. VW has had turbos in small engines for over a decade, wake up, it's More GERMAN ideas, that everybody uses. VW has perfected the smaller easy to spin up turbos, and now Syn oil keeps turbos going, unlike GM and dino oil where turbos died early."

I really love this, since it's so, so wrong in so many ways. It's kinda magical.

And then, on a personal level, most German cars (outside of a few VWs), to me seem to be totally devoid of any kind of character. It's a hard thing to describe. There's this sterility to them, along with an overabundance of seriousness. With the vast majority of German cars, you get the feeling with them that at no point in the development or production of the car did anybody smile.

Thunder-Lips > PanchoVilleneuve ST
12/22/2013 at 00:30

Hmmm.....Like german artwork, and wine....

Converse > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 00:30

Kinja'd!!!

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > Converse
12/22/2013 at 00:31

It would only prove the point more so.

"We must, indeed, all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang separately."

Oh, and I love the "pumpkin spice everything" version of that meme.

GeorgeyBoy > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 00:32

Dentists are weird people, too weird for Mercs.

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > GeorgeyBoy
12/22/2013 at 00:35

It does take a unique individual to stare down human gullets all day.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 00:38

Fuck you're right. Typing way too damn fast.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 00:39

However everything I said is still true...

orcim > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 00:40

I'm going to disagree with your specific characterizations since they are stories made up from circumstantial evidence, but I will agree with German "style" or "culture" or whatever you want to call it coming out in designs. It's like I get a plate of food, and I'll think "this is German food" even though I know nothing of the dish. They share patterns that run very deep, and I *totally* understand if those patterns aren't attractive to a person.

But I'm with you on the judgement thing overall. It's, I hate say it, Fanboyism as applied to cars. In fact, it runs through our society completely, be it cars, race, computers, music, socio-economic status, etc. It's all just what it is, some people like it, can't we all just get over it and like what *we* like instead of *unliking* what xyz likes?

And if I missed your point, like I may have, just show me to the door.

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment
12/22/2013 at 00:43

I do not have a problem with German cars in any capacity (though I still would like to see the Quandts stripped of their fortune, but that is a separate issue).

The portion prior to "lets be real" wasn't really meant to be real, really.

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > orcim
12/22/2013 at 00:52

Your first paragraph was a little "lol wut?" but your second is spot on.

I don't have an issue with German cars or any cars; I can always find SOMETHING that I like to be positive about. It may be a pragmatic streak, but I don't find value in highlighting the negatives of a vehicle to a group when they are often simply a subjective point. The purpose of forums and groups is to find solidarity...Jalopnik is about finding solidarity in the act of being a car person. If I wanted takedown pieces I could read one of the solid-state rags or go to a fanboy forum.

And maybe, in my own digression, I could have missed the bigger point...but I would hope not. Otherwise, I am sure I will be shown the door as well ;-)

GeorgeyBoy > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 01:08

You should've met my mother.

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > GeorgeyBoy
12/22/2013 at 01:11

I'm sure we would have gotten along famously. I'm a real hoot under the influence.

orcim > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 01:11

I'm 100% German heritage, historically German food style, German focus on projects, etc. (I can be a little obnoxious.) You used it as an example of what you were talking about, but I kinda lived it and could understand the meta-comment embedded in it. That's all - wasn't commenting on German style per se, just it's ability to elicit a reaction/response in people.

I don't think you digressed - I think you hit it right on. The top level issue to me is response versus reaction - fanboy is reaction, response is reasoned thought. But that reasoned thought always recognizes the positive in something (or so it would seem to me.) So, I'm agreeing with you, fully.

Your boy, BJR > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 01:49

I want absolutely nothing to do with german anything after taking german language class last semester. It's like they go out of their way to make all of their words as skull-fuckingly insane as possible. Someone trade me a non running Dolomite for my non running 2002 so I can go from rust flakes on the garage floor to oil stains on the garage floor.

alexotics > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 03:21

I know 4 dentists.

One owns a dark blue 2000 Mercedes E320 Break

One owns a black Saab 900 Convertible

One owns a BMW 335is Coupe in Melbourne Red

And another is Finnish, and she's in love with Kimi.

I kind of like the dentists in my life.

Also, why are Porsches so damn expensive.

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 06:36

It could be worse. You could want Westmoreland built VWs, anything that came out of BMW purchasing the Rover Group and possibly a Weissman.

All three are different classes of Lagrangian points. I do suspect that the Westmoreland built VWs be of class 4 or 5, as although you tend not to go anywhere, any attempt to do so, may work in the short term, but will tend back to equilibrium.

I suspect your Godwin point is a class 2 at best. Or class three. Either one distracts from the bigger picture, and it all depends on that which the resulting flame war crashes into first.

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment
12/22/2013 at 08:10

Saddam Hussein is your father?

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 08:13

I don't like German cars either, and in fact I hate many of them. VAG is blandness over four wheels (whatever the brand - even Lambos aren't as crazy as they were before the purchase). BMW is no longer what they used to be. Mercedes-Benz is okay, but they've also been much better in the past. Opel is General Motors, making them half American. So yes, fuck German cars, and especially the people who drive them.
With this said, Ruf and Wiesmann are legit in my book, even though the first was founded by an Austrian dude.

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs
12/22/2013 at 08:14

You win the interwebz today.

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > alexotics
12/22/2013 at 08:14

Because people will pay for them.

willkinton247 > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 09:10

My last dentist had a Noble

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > willkinton247
12/22/2013 at 09:41

Mine had several classic Corvettes including a C1...I was so jelly you coulda called me Smuckers.

Desu-San-Desu > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 12:51

My Audi is more nose-heavy than a full-sized print of an instagram shot of Barbara Streisand planking.

And I love it for it. It gives the handling so much damned character! Also, it is a pretty damned attractive VW.

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > Desu-San-Desu
12/22/2013 at 13:06

I love Audi Avants, truly. Ever since they turned the corner on build quality back in the 90s, they have been a really great buy.

Desu-San-Desu > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 13:23

Mine is, sadly, not an Avant...

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > Goshen, formerly Darkcode
12/22/2013 at 13:40

Kinja'd!!!

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider
12/22/2013 at 13:43

I had a feeling but it was so serious-sounding that my sarcasm detection went off-line.