Conscientious SUV Shopper Just Wants Something That Will Kill Family In Other Car In Case Of Accident

"duurtlang" (duurtlang) 09/04/2020 at 04:26 • Filed to: satire, The Onion

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PRESCOTT, AZ—Explaining that she did not have any strong preferences when it came to make or model, area woman Laura Bauer, a conscientious SUV shopper, confirmed Wednesday that she just wanted something that would kill the family in the other car if she got into an accident. “All I’m looking for is a sturdy, reliable vehicle that, in the event of a head-on collision, will completely fucking obliterate both the parents and kids in the car we slam into,” said Bauer, who explained that features such as a sunroof or built-in navigation system were not as important to her as the assurance that came from sitting behind the wheel of a machine that could turn anything else on the road into a fiery, tangled mess of metal and flesh. “I don’t need anything fancy, just a practical, midsize SUV that gets good mileage and will easily slaughter a family of five during a 60-mph crash. The last thing I want is a flimsy sedan that takes out Mommy and Daddy in the front seat but leaves behind a couple of orphans in the back.” At press time, Bauer had reportedly decided to play it safe and add a 100-pound grille guard to the front bumper of the vehicle to ensure it would properly disfigure the other family’s corpses and make them impossible to identify.

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Jb boin > duurtlang 09/04/2020 at 04:41

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This is a platform based on Trumpian Generated Content. G/O Media assumes no liability for content posted by The Onion to this platform.

pip bip - choose Corrour > duurtlang 09/04/2020 at 04:45

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she needs to buy a H ummer H1 or Ford Excursion

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > duurtlang 09/04/2020 at 08:29

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What’s makes it even more terrifying is how many soccer moms you’ll see driving suvs that can barely see over the steering wheel. There an inverse law,  shorter the driver the larger the suv

Merkin Muffley > duurtlang 09/04/2020 at 09:40

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PJ O'Rourke pointed this out years ago. Quite hilariously

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > duurtlang 09/04/2020 at 09:48

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International CXT or GTFO

For Sweden > duurtlang 09/04/2020 at 10:56

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That’s the problem with publishes crash test ratings.

A truly empathetic driver would own a car that would crumple completely, sacrificing the driver and sparing the other family.

onlytwowheels > duurtlang 09/04/2020 at 11:28

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H ave you ever been sued by a dead person? Neither have I.

But seriously, this is the mentality I have heard for far too long regarding the desire for monst rous mom mobiles. The people who occupy these feel like that mass of metal is their salvation. It won’t be when you don’t operate it safely.   A n equal or larger mass, let’s say an 80,000 pound big rig/ train/school bus/chunk of crumb ling bridge, will squash you like a bug.

I had a horrific accident in a Mustang convertible on my way home from work. I was stopped, and was rear ended by a Grand Marquis traveling at 45 mph, impact went in to rear differential, seat back broke and I wound up on the hood of the other car. T hat put me down for the count for over ten 10 months, pain for far longer, and per manent injuries.

When I was ready to start driving again, I shopped for another Mustang but did not find any that were to my wants. I bought an NB Miata, a fantast ic little car. When friends and family saw that I downsized from the Mustang, the typical response was shock. Most commenting on the ordeal that I had been through and how if it were them the giant mass of metal cage they would need to drive to feel protect ed and secure.

A false sense of security will do you in every time. You cannot control the actions of others, and your vehicle is certainly not an impenetrable force. Be safe and drive safe, as if your life and those around you depends on it.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > For Sweden 09/04/2020 at 11:48

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So all the good people and their offspring die in Suzuki Jimn ys ?

For Sweden > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 11:49

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yes

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 12:01

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Yes. For instance I own a small car that received 5 stars on the small front overlap crash test and people can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that I’d rather have that than 2,000 extra lbs on my side and half the number of airbags.

And while safety isn’t everything it is something that’s very important. You can’t control what other people do in the road but being a defensive driver is the next best thing. I’ve avoided countless crashes that I feel sure would have caught out a less attentive driver.

And that idiot motorcycle driver who passed me on the left as I was making a signalled left turn would be lucky to have an intact spinal cord if I were another person , so that’s something.

But sometimes you really do realize just how close the actions of others came to affecting you on the road. Like when someone stops in the median next to you because they couldn't slow down in time to fall into line. That is always scary. Or when a semi swerves out of the way and you see a large piece of debris in the road with no time to change lanes safely. 

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > For Sweden 09/04/2020 at 12:03

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What a world that would be. A world of Karens and their chosen elected officials.

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 12:30

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All the safety features in the world cannot protect someone who is dangerous things. Five star crash protection is mute at triple digit speeds. When the airbags deploys after you hit the center barrier and then you slide back across the the highway in front of a big rig doing 60 mph......

You need to be your own defense. Be alert, l eave space. The more, the better.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 12:43

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Agreed. I drive carefully according to road conditions and am always on the lookout for signs of a ra pidly approaching moron.

Even at low speeds, you need to get a sense for people who are completely incompetent. Inching forward into the intersection, stopped on the crosswalk in a place locals would know has high foot traffic, etc. I can usually predict when someone will completely ignore the lane markings and continue straight across an off center intersection before they end up in my door. It’s a sort of 6th sense from driving through a lot of intersections that might confuse distracted and careless people. And my goodness the number of people I see turn down one way streets. Or just totally ignore stop signs. It’s quite alarming. 

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 13:11

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I’m under the impression that many people driving today consider a Stop sign to be merely a suggestion, that Left Turn Only means for everybody else and a stop line at the light is for the person behind you. Turn signals are optional. Headlights are unn e c essary in the rain, fog, snow or dark. Double yellow lines are boundaries for the unmotivated.

Let’s not even discuss the poorly maintained vehicles they do this in........

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 13:21

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YES! I am absolutely shocked that people stop over the line at stoplights as there is absolutely no reason you could possibly need to see cross traffic there unless it is a cursory check as you set off.

And with stop signs the trick is to just slow down a little because, well, ???

Similarly, you have to come to a complete stop at right turns on red as well unless you have a yield sign! That one in particular makes me mad because people don’t even know the rule they are breaking.

Frickin Nissan drivers and their bright DRLs man. Most cars on the road past 2010 have automatic headlights that work just fine. Just set it to “auto.” It’s less work!

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 13:38

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It’ s al ways great to watch the scramble in the left turn lane at an intersection that has a stop line set back to permit large vehicles the turning radius they require. So many drivers ignore the line and pull up equal or ahead of the lanes to their right, because drag race or something....

When the truck starts to turn, the show begins. Cars trying squeeze right, go back or let the truck driver stop and figure it out. Meanwhile, the light has changed and nobody is moving because the inter section is blocked. And then you hear it. The siren from the ambulance leaving the fire station just around the corner. A frenzied shift of multiple traffic lanes, an annoyed ambulance weaves it way through the turmoil. D elayed, one inter section idiot at a time.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 13:44

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I’ve even found that many intersections still have the lines set up further than I would prefer so I stop a little behind them. It just don’t make sense how some oblivious some people are to how to stop clogging up intersections.

There is this one T intersection where I regularly have to turn from this highly traffick ed tight narrow street onto a large fast moving one way so if you don’t pull way to the right and back as far you can then people turning across you take so long to not hit you the gaps in traffic disappear. Sometimes it is strategic.

There’s another intersection with the line very far beyond the line of sight to turn but it is a stoplight. Like 3 car lengths behind the corner because it is a tight street that firetrucks sometimes need to use. Yet people will just cruise right on up to the corner and make it impossible for most cars to turn in.

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 14:35

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Many fire and police departments located on busy streets with traffic light have now have lines or boxes painted and marked “Keep Clear”, usually with corresponding road signs. I think most people understand the need for this, nut I have seen many ignore it too.

Then we have the line of traffic that doesn’t leave a gap at the side street, blocking the way for those who wish to enter or exit. Which in turns creates a line behind the dri ver that is waiting to turn, all the way back to the intersection. When the light changes, there’s a 50/50 chance someone will allow the vehicle waiting to turn to proceed. Might not even be a side street, could be a driveway or a drug store parking lot entrance . Why are they  blocked from access?

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 14:53

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Yeah, drives me crazy that people don’t leave enough room. In general I just think the US does a crappy job of driver certification and education. I’m just about the only person I know who studied for my drivers’ permit test and I’m also just about the only person I know who failed it. I simply got the only combination of answers for the test that you could conceivably fail (most people got only one hard question and you could answer 4 correctly and still pass; I got all 5 of the hard questions available according to a proba bly illegal website I found later). And most people didn’t have to parallel park for their in person test. I did, I failed that section, and still passed. 

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 16:13

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Way back in time, my oldest sister was dating a guy that was a DJ at a small town local radio station. It took 3 years and 5 attempts before he actually passed his license test. And I can tell you right now, he was a terrible driver. J ust from the one and only time I saw him driving up the street after dropping my sister off. I never could grasp how this driving and learning the rules of the road were that challenging.

I know we humans are si milar g enetically, but our abilities vary greatly. Motor skills and thought processes that run the gamut are the primary factors, I presume.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 16:21

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It is a fine line between weeding out the bad drivers and economically op pressing people in an overly car reliant society that can’t pass a driver’s test because they simply are bad at sustained concentration and quick decision making.

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 16:51

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My history lessons tell me General Motors, Standard Oil, Firestone and others are greatly responsible for the death of public transportation in the US . You can’t sell cars to people that have reliable public transportation, so buy up the public transportation and run it into ground. Cars need fuel and tires to keep rolling........

Some of the most uti lized hiking trails in New England are old railroad beds. Trains that went to the beach, to the center of town or the mill. Gone.

Old city streets that were once paved with cobblestone and lined with tracks, now all of it buried under asphalt.

My grand father owned a lar ge parcel that he built his home on and rais ed his family. Later sub dividing it, giving a piece to each of his children and selling the rest a new school. A few houses and a new school were ere cted on the road they installed to build the school.

One day while walking through a recently cleared access several hundred feet off the main road, I discover train tracks. I went back to the house with lots of questions. Apparently there were  daily trains from the port that went to the mill, passenger and freight, several times per day. A highway went in and the tracks were abandoned.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_City_Lines

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Motors_streetcar_conspiracy

https://www.vox.com/2015/5/7/8562007/streetcar-history-demise

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 17:04

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That’s exactly the sort of thinking that got us here. Not only has this country turned its back on public transit for far too long, but it has become ingrained that public transit = poor.

Well, at this point they’ve done a fine job of convincing people that they don’t want public transportation because it’ll drive up their taxes and bring criminals out to the suburbs (haha). Seriously. Atlanta’s MARTA is actually very good but it simply isn’t widespread because people are convinced that expanding it will take away their right to sit in traffic at 2 mph for 3 hours every day. I don’t get it. Their trains are quiet, relatively on time, and clean with only the occasional disruptive druggie onboard.

Oh, and we brought back streetcars. It’s actually a great idea and, while it took a while, people are starting to warm up to using them. Streetcars shouldn’t have ever gone away. Atlanta used to a passenger rail hub as well as a freight rail hub but only one of those industries is left. Though we do have a plethora of rail trails now.

But every time a proposal comes up to expand MARTA the Karens come out of the woodwork to shout “think of the children” because homeless people will ride into the suburbs to pass out poisoned candy or break into your car or something. Instead, a reversible toll lane got built at enormous cost directly above the interstates radiating out from the city. Of course it was supposed to be rail but we can’t have nice things. I know I don’t want to drive through city traffic when I could sit in a quiet air conditioned train and arrive at almost the same time.

Of course, COVID has only reinforced our collective aversion to the official transport of the no-good slackoffs that are labeled so because we’re afraid of falling into similar circumstances.

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 17:28

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I always liked knowing that Boston still used these Trolleybuses , p owered by the overhead lines. They have rail and conventional bus service too.

https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Trolleybuses_in_Greater_Boston

When I lived in California, there were several attempts to do a high speed commuter rail project that failed. The Bay Area has a pretty good with BART, MUNI and Caltrain. At some point the Sacramento based public trans portation line expanded to Folsom, home to that famous prison song, but also many tech companies and shopping centers. I don’t believe the first week went by before I began hearing the comments about robbed by people coming in by rail from the city. In those days Karen was just a neighbor and you probably would not have questioned her story.  Today, I hope we know better.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 17:44

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Unlike most people my age, I am well acquainted with Johnny Cash. Shocking, right? I credit that with my parents’ great taste in music. I once went to a Joan Baez concert and was the only one under 50 there. I enjoyed it though.

Trolley b uses seem like a good compromise of installation and running costs. I wonder how much that actually saves in practice.

Yeah, people don’t take a train to rob a house. Maybe some petty robberies have happened but it’s statistically not much of a concern. People don’t like to commit crimes on unfamiliar soil.

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 18:54

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Obvioulsy the train robbers have moved on from robbing trains to using trains to commit robberies....... Karen said so.

Sometimes the trolley bus will lose c onnetion with the lines. The driv er has a pole to m anuev er the roof top arm s and reestablish c onnec tion

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 19:04

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I think over any large length of time a streetcar would be more cost effective though. Now hijacking a street car to commit robberies, that would be a big brain move.

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 19:22

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My keyb oard is being weird since I returned from dinner.

Speaking of street cars, I watched this video that is linked to Just Jeepin’ post https://oppositelock.kinja.com/germany-1902-1844802414 .

Shear anarchy, and days before the big quake.

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onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 20:48

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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Underground_Atlanta

I was going to ask if you had been to the underground mall in Atlanta, since you are there, but it turns out that it has been closed for a few years.

I went there once with my brother, back in the 90's. He was li ving in Suwanee at that time. He’ s moved a few places since, but lives in Alpharetta, Georgia now. He seems to prefer Georgia to any other that he has lived.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 21:10

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You watch that and wonder how more people weren’t killed by cars and trams. A lot were, but less than you’d think based on that. Now you’ve got me down an internet rabbit hole of historical film with modern frame reconstruction and other enhancements done.

I remember seeing about 30 seconds of the pre enhanced hanging railroad footage and being amazed and then rather annoyingly having to do something and forgetting about it. That one was my favorite. Less dusty, grimy, and chaotic than the frontier town SF one. Very picturesque.

The courthouse looming through the dust cloud was amazing it gradually got closer. What a crazy time to be alive. Imagine being a down home country boy and being the first one in your family to move to a big city. You might not have ever even seen a car before or maybe just the county’s richest had them for Sunday drives. Then, you see modern technology everywhere in a crazy swell of dusty grimy humanity. Wow.

EDIT: It really reminds me of the antique stereoscope images I used to go through when I was at my grandfather’s house. The smell, the gritty feel of actual image as you looked, it created a sort of musty and romanticized approximation of the past. Because they were all sources from local flea markets there were a lot of pictures of field hands at work picking cotton because those used to be the good old days. There were lots of scenes from the Bible. There were also some raunchy ones like the one with the caption “How Biddy served the tomatoes undressed” which featured a, well, maid? She served the tomatoes in her undergarments and there were a lot of them.

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 21:22

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I am glad that there are film s like th ese. A photo is a glim pse into the past, but the film brings you to the past. A still photo from any given moment can never fully c onv ey the atmosp here. I c ould alm ost sm ell the manure along the trolley trac ks in this one.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 21:26

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It’s so atmospheric!

But an authentic stereoscope slide is surprisingly atmospheric. There was one in particular of tables set for a White House dinner where every single glass and chandelier  and decoration appeared to be on a different plane through the 3d effect and is probably the best use of the medium I’ve ever seen. But there was not a single person in sight so it was oddly creepy. Just a beautifully framed ballroom set up for guests that haven’t arrived.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 21:40

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No, but I have been all around above the railroad gulch and the viaducts, though I haven’t brought myself to wander around below the CNN center trying to find the replica zero mile post. It’s not a place you’d want to wander alone. Just a vast windswept literal hole in the center of a major city except without a soul in sight. It’s pretty creepy.

I recently did wander around the entrance to Underground Atlanta but they were of course closed. I think the space is wasted on gimmicky retail. It should be a museum of the history literally buried under our feet as the ground level is often actually a viaduct. It is a city rich with history but this perpetual boom town has consistently proved itself unwilling to acknowledge the past for fear of disrupting its future. I’ve read a book about the literally buried history of our railroad past that I cannot recommend enough. It’s called Atlanta Underground

https://www.amazon.com/Atlanta-Underground-History-Jeffrey-Morrison/dp/1493043706

Bad picture but you get the idea. Street level =/= ground level.

I love living in this city. It’s like a history buff’s dream. I love understanding exactly why this place specifically chosen for a railroad junction because it was a blank slate became such a confusingly laid out paradox where the past builds the future buries the past. From the reason why our sky bridges are racist to why many turn of the century storefronts are still preserved underground and not turned into a tourist trap, there is no end to my fascinating with this place. Have a small photo dump.

onlytwowheels > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 09/04/2020 at 22:01

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Thanks for the recommended reading.

This was a thriv ing, highly ac tiv e loc ation bac k at the time I visited. I think I still have my T- shirt from the Coca-Cola tour. First time I was aware of the Donk scene, which I had no idea if it had a name at the time. I believe TNN was nearby too.

I do recall the constant building and demolition the area was exper iencing. Stadiums, highways shopping centers all seemed to be disposable. I found it baffling. Here, history is preserved and celebrated. Like the 108 year old ball park and an 80 year old C itgo sign, people here hang on to the past.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > onlytwowheels 09/04/2020 at 23:49

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The world of Coke was fun but maybe a once every 5 years kind of thing. Never visited Underground Atlanta but I would probably enjoy looking at it but from what I’ve heard it seems a bit too touristy.

Haha donks are really a thing around here. Too bad, since their lowrider cousins are actually a display of craftsmanship and careful attention to detail. I’ve never seen a don k that wouldn’t be better as a lowrider. You’ll see a lot of them in my DOts posts.

“ Stadiums, highways shopping centers all seemed to be disposable. I found it baffling.”

Atlanta is always "under destruction." The city is less like a Phoenix rising from the ashes if the Civil War when it was destroyed completely and more like doing that every other year. It's disgusting the way our rich history is callously thrown out every day. We don't need to be reborn so often.