It's 30 Years in the Future. . . (Day One Part One)

"Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available" (whoistheleader2) 06/18/2020 at 15:27 • Filed to: festival of the unexceptional, future

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. . . so let’s take a stroll through the isles of the new American division of the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

It’s 2050 and nostalgia for the 2000s and even the 2010s is strong. We all know not to talk about 2020 and heaven forbid you mention the Lithium Wars that devastated the world in 2029, but the economy has since bounced back. Money is pouring in, people have jobs, and wages have seen meaningful increases after the Glover Bill was passed 8 years ago today.

Most importantly, people have money to buy the dream cars of their youth. However, this is not a normal show. The 2050 edition of the American Festival of the Unexceptional celebrates the formerly mundane turned incredibly rare cars of 2000-2020. Let’s begin.

First up, a real treat. This all original last model year 2007 Suzuki XL7 was bought new and stored in a garage after getting into a fender bender on the way home from the dealership. Since parts were so uncommon, it wasn’t until 2027 that a replacement bumper and headlight could be sourced. Now with 13,024 miles, this is a contender for best in show.

Here we have a row of Mitsubishi Raiders, including this ultra rare top spec quad cab 4wd model. The patina’d extended cab next to it is unrestored, having been commandeered during the Lithium Wars to haul used batteries to the smelting yards. It still bears the scars of this hard labor and stands as a reminder to future generations to stop hoarding consumer products.

This pristine U Body 2005 Oldsmobile Silhouette has undergone an extensive restoration and is considered the finest example left. The current owner flew all the way to Oregon from his home in Tennessee to procure the unscuffed factory wheels.

Finally, we have this 2010 Suzuki Kizashi with an interesting past. The car was bought used in 2022 and debadged by the gang of thieves that robbed Kinja headquarters and made off with $400,000 dollars in low quality content. The police were unable to capture them because no one could recognize the car they used. Finally, it turned up abandoned and its role was discovered after the perpetrators left a single Pip Bip Hour Rule behind. The car had its badging reapplied at some point but it will forever live in infamy.

If you would like more posts from the 2050 American Festival of the Unexceptional, let me know. They will be announcing the winners tomorrow and I will be sure to cover the judge’s picks for best in show. Until next time, don’t hoard lithium.

HammerheadFistpunch > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 15:36

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The kizashi deserves best in show. I don’t want to hear another word to the contrary.  

ItalianJobR53 - now with added 'MERICA and unreliability > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 15:42

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“the perpetrators left  a single Pip Bip Hour Rule behind"

Hit right in the feels man :’(

E90M3 > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 15:44

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Each and every single U-body left needs to be rounded up and crushed.

- U body survivor 

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > ItalianJobR53 - now with added 'MERICA and unreliability 06/18/2020 at 15:47

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Tragic how many Hours Rules, Late Night Oppos, Good Morning Oppos, and the like were stolen just from him to be worth $400,000 in total. 

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > HammerheadFistpunch 06/18/2020 at 15:48

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This is only the first row. I haven't mentioned the TWO Equators or the Daewoo Lanos. There's even an I-MiEV. What do you suppose could rival the Kizashi? It does have quite the history.

jminer > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 15:49

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The story of the Raider moved me so deeply it has to win!

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > E90M3 06/18/2020 at 15:49

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Or converted into a show piece. I'm quite glad my friend is no longer riding around in a Silhouette.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > jminer 06/18/2020 at 15:53

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Stories abound at the festival of the unexceptional, since cars have to go through some unique circumstances indeed to survive all these years. There is an award for best backstory so we’ll see how the judges decide. Are there any cars you think I should highlight in the next one? Seeing as you were there, o f course.

sony1492 > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 15:56

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This was very enjoyable, Kiazshi would definitely be the star of the sedan division

E90M3 > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 15:57

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My mom had a 2001 Silhouette from new until 2013. Great car it was not; certainly glad it was replaced.

Milky > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 15:58

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The only way an XL7 wins the show, is if a Borrego doesnt show up.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > sony1492 06/18/2020 at 15:58

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Thank you. I'll make sure to keep reporting as the event progresses. That is the only Kizashi left registered in the state, though there are at least 8 left on the continent, most of them in the Island Republic of SoCal. But we all know why none showed from there.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Milky 06/18/2020 at 16:01

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There are actually 4 Borregos in the show, three of which belong to Borgad o “The Borr ego” Jamison, but none are as original and only the one is close to as perfect. There is that early Outlander that is rumoured to be showing up late.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > E90M3 06/18/2020 at 16:03

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Literally everything on it broke except for the engine, except when it did, but yeah I was not sad to see that go from the fringes of my life. 

Milky > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 16:03

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Fuck. You better invite me to this show in 30 years. I’ ll RSVP right now.

E90M3 > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 16:05

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The AC compressor went, as did some other random things; engine leaked oil for years, but what finally did it in was a slipping transmission at 150k. 

jminer > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 16:07

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The first gen Focus ZX3 I think has a place being coveted at this time. It was once such a vibrant platform which was quickly discarded when gas prices dropped in the mid teens. They quickly again became desirable as gas shortages hit and their size proved a distinct advantage at navigating the mined interstate system successfully .

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > E90M3 06/18/2020 at 16:08

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I remember everything rattling, everything being broken, and being unable to get out once in because of the unpowered power door. What a piece of crap.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > jminer 06/18/2020 at 16:10

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5 coupes and 6 wagons  showed up as well as a handful of the other body styles. There is even one of almost all the most coveted special editions. Yes, a great car but a victim of circumstance. The wagons tended to have longer ownerships as replacement options were discontinued.

jminer > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 16:14

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In all seriousness I owned a 2001 ZX3 and it was an excellent car, especially for an early 00's domestic.

I actually looked for one a couple years ago and good condition ones were hard to find.  I loved the jelly bean like styling of it - little else looked like it at the time.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > jminer 06/18/2020 at 16:17

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I still think they look quite good. Distinctive and functional. They will be missed.

Future next gen S2000 owner > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 16:33

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Have any Isuzu i430/290's been registered?

sony1492 > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 16:40

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Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Future next gen S2000 owner 06/18/2020 at 16:46

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Yes, there is a whole corner of the badge engineered GM era. There's some Ascenders too. Then there is the Rodeo as well. 

CompactLuxuryFan > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 17:33

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Sweet, can’t wait to roll up in my Hyundai Veracruz. Limited with the 3.8 V6 of course!

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > CompactLuxuryFan 06/18/2020 at 17:39

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You'd better get your butt down here. You've already missed the first day and we don't have another Veracruz entered.

Jim Spanfeller > Milky 06/18/2020 at 19:21

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I’ve secretly always wanted to stuff the 300something-horsepower V8 from that thing in a first-gen Hyundai Pony. Korean restomod, baby!

Brickman > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 19:30

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I wonder if a S-10 will be worth something :P

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 19:36

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Just wait until I show up in...

A PT CRUISER CONVERTIBLE! BWAHAHAHA! And just to assert maximum dominance, I shall tow behind the Cruiser a mid-2020's Ford four-cylinder Mustang! One of the last true Ecoboost Mustangs before they renamed it the Moosetang in honor of our Canadian overlords. And it was owned by Donald Trump’s clone’s second wife’s cousin’s Godmother, the one who famously declared herself to be part mushroom and wrote a bestselling book about it. Take that, Suzuki Kizashi!

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Brickman 06/18/2020 at 19:40

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No, but it can still garner attention here, especially with your, err, period correct patina.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 06/18/2020 at 19:43

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You can park it between the woody PTs and the HHR panel van still with flower shop livery. Hmmm towing with that is not advisable at all. Celebrity ownership is allowed but bonus points for an unexceptional celebrity, just like the car.

The 2026 Moosestang was short lived for a good reason - because making the interior from real moose hides was a disaster and the rush job synthetic moose hides had a bad habit of being delicious to pigeons .

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 20:19

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It’s an unexceptional towing vehicle... I’m going for bonus points there. Considering that the mushroom lady was only really famous for the one weird book, I think she counts as an unexceptional celebrity. I also purposely got a hardtop for my convertible 2027 Moosetang (currently in the shop) to avoid the pigeon problem. And I always bring along a can of pigeon repellent, as everyone should.

fintail > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 20:21

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In this brave new world , I assume fintails are sought after 8 figure (inflation) collectibles.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 06/18/2020 at 20:26

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I hope you aren’t using period correct pigeon repellant because it turned out those had asbestos in them. Small amounts but the factory in Thailand cheaper out. There was that one case of the lady who was trying to shoo away birds from the inside of her car and ended up inhaling too much o f the stuff.

I’m surprised you found a convertible since the Canadian overlords (since deposed) were jealous of our sunny weather and forced For d II (post bankruptcy) to drop the body style in 2028 . Very rare.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > fintail 06/18/2020 at 20:28

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But only for zoomers (juvenile slang for people who grew up with the primitive internet of 1990s and use manual zoom controls on their comp utoscreens ). Doesn’t make sense given how much older the car is but kids will be kids.

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/18/2020 at 23:58

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Yup, only 13.75 left the factory before production shut down (that last one was a crate car, which is like a crate engine but the other way around). Then there was the unsuccessful bubble top experiment that  was meant to simulate the convertible experience, but too many pigeons crashed into the dome trying to access the moose leather interior. They were seriously determined to use that stuff...

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 06/19/2020 at 00:10

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Well, yours could have been one of the CDK versions sold by Great Wall in Brasil (during that protectionist policy resurgence).

The bubble top era was a disaster because it also corresponded with a dad of people using copious amounts of hairspray and that new type could combust easily if enough heat was applied. No spark needed. I’m surprised Ford II survived at all, even with their acquisition of Daewoo (their Fling CUW, or compact utility wagon, was exactly what the market wanted). The Fling used a new kind of plastic that was treated with ground up pig hooves to take on some unusual properties in addition to being more durable.

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/19/2020 at 01:28

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Nope, the Brazilian ones are actually based on the Ford Focus platform and cleverly disguised to look like Moosetangs. Or at least they were until that whole debacle with the UFO abducting an entire factory,  but we all know how that turned out. I’m just glad it didn’t interfere with Ford and VW collaborating on that VW Beetle four-door SUV coupe based on the F150 chassis!

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 06/19/2020 at 08:36

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That was one of those cars that never appreciated in its own time.

Speaking of that, isn’t it crazy how prices have shot up recently? I remember when you could get a Toyota Prius a song (literally, they would stand on a corner and sing the “get out of my life” song) but now they’ve become somewhat of a hot commodity. Everyone knew that the pre Moose mustangs would hold their value but who could have fore seen the current going rate for a Hyundai Kona?

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/19/2020 at 12:00

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Totally. The only thing more crazy might be the values of 2023-2 7 third-gen Jeepsters, the controversial Miata-based Jeep roadsters.

I prefer the fourth-gen Jeepster myself, which looked more polished and more closely resembled a Renegade, but those are so rare don’t get me started.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 06/19/2020 at 12:11

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It’s also strange how they shared some parts of the frame with the antiquated Grumman LLV, mercifully taken out of the postal fleet the year after in 2028. Fortunately the iron Duke was only standard on the very low volume base model Jeepster, making them surprisingly valuable today.

More interesting is GMC’s failed foray into the reemerging personal luxury utility shooting brake (PLUSB) market in 2030 with their Liquite (meant to play off the name of the car’ s new technology, the continuously circulating liquid fluorescent light, or CCLFL). Surprisingly how Zombie Saab, now owned by Healey (made from the remnants of Geely) clawed its way back from the brink through their successful PLUSB.