Slow trucks fast

"shop-teacher" (shop-teacher)
06/10/2020 at 11:17 • Filed to: FreeFerd

At the conclusion of the Top Gear Bolivia Special, Jeremy Clarckson says, “Once again, we have shown what the car, even when it’s an old crock, is capable of.” I feel like once again, I am doing my part to show that same thing.

The fun police wouldn’t let us in, so we just had fun our way.

My first demonstration of this was with the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . A brief recap, for those who don’t remember or weren’t around for that. The RallyMetro was a ‘98 Chevy Metro that was more or less given to me by Opponaut XJDano. The Metro had been his daily driver for many years, and was no longer able to pass inspection in his state. He had received a quote of -$5 to junk the Metro. Yeah, they wanted him to pay $5 to take it off his hand. I live in Illinois, where the vehicle code reads roughly, “Can you write us a check? Well then send it!” XJDano drove the Metro full of parts to me, spent the day swapping its transmission to a better one pulled out of a junkyard, and then flew home. I covered the cost of the plane ticket back. My mission was to send the long reliable daily driver to Valhalla. A task which took longer than anybody expected.

The RallyMetro wormed its little crapcan way into my heart by being way more fun to drive than anything with 58 horsepower had a right to be. Even more amazing though, was how relentlessly tough it turned out to me. I rallycrossed it for two entire seasons, and completed the inaugural Gambler 500-Illinois in it as well. The RallyMetro just kept coming back for more and more and more. I had to make a few repairs along the way, but nothing major. Sure, as the seasons wore on, it burned more and more oil. The rate became almost comical. During the second to last event it ran, it burned an entire oil change … 3-½ quarts. At the last event of the year, about halfway through the day, the engine began knocking. It was running on two cylinders, didn’t want to accelerate, and was pushing oil back out the filler cap. I tried cutting off the catalytic converter, hoping it was just clogged and causing the issues, but the problems still stood. I kept running the car though, hoping to send it out in a blaze of thrown rod glory, but the RallyMetro refused. It completed the event, wounding and dragging itself around, but it would not die. ‘Twas just a flesh wound, it told me.

I can’t tell you how sad I felt when the RallyMetro drove itself into the junkyard, but I knew it was time for it to go. When I brought that thing to its first rallycross, one competitor took one look at how rusty the suspension mounts were, and declared it wouldn’t last through the afternoon. Not to be outdone , the RallyMetro showed me what an old crock of a car was really capable of.

Last year I was regaling a friend and coworker about the tales of my exploits with the RallyMetro, and that began a conversation about how his beloved ‘99 Ford F-150 was nearing the end of its useful life. He had purchased the truck brand new, and loved it dearly, but its quirks and faults were becoming too much to deal with on a day to day basis, and its reliability too questionable. Also, it was continually peeing power steering fluid on his brand new concrete driveway. It was over a year later that the truck finally got replaced, and I got the call. Another long stalwart daily driver had reached the end of that life. My friend didn’t feel good about selling it to anybody to actually use as their vehicle, but he couldn’t bear to junk it either. He gave it to me, and told me to send it to Valhalla.

Now, the ‘99 F-150 is known as the “jellybean F-150,” and to be perfectly honest I have always found them to be hideously ugly. But I knew how hard I fell for that little Metro, and was curious to see if the jellybean truck could do the same to my heart. Let me answer that right now, yes it can. I still don’t like the styling, but this is a damn good truck. This truck wants to live. This truck has more to give than I ever would have guessed.

I got good vibes from the truck as I drove it to my buddy’s house, where the truck is taking up residence. It is undoubtedly a beater, and a rusty beater at that. But the engine chugs along with a determined certainty. The suspension and steering are perfectly stable and tight. The brake pedal was soft, but steady. This was not a vehicle on its last legs, ready to be put out to pasture.

Tall-Bill concurred, so much so that he took it on the road to Michigan. It did blow a rear brake line there, but he was able to patch it up and get it home. We then got together to fix it properly with an additional replacement brake line, and new rear wheel cylinders. Well, Bill did, and I handed him tools. I also replaced the dying driver’s side window motor and switch, with parts supplied by the original owner, that he had never installed.

Our navigation system. Not the huge oil spill in Lake Winnebago

With that small bit of prep, we went on an adventure. The Thingamajig, as we named the longboi of an F-150, was denied entry to the rallycrosses this past weekend. Undeterred, we took to the backroads north of the cheddar curtain. Otherwise known as Wisconsin.

Wisconsin sucks to drive through … on the interstate. The cops are everywhere, and they’re almost as ruthless about speeding as the ones in Ohio on Interstate 80. Abandon those interstates through and hit the A, B, and C roads, and Wisconsin is a glorious state to embark on a journey. Ribbons of decent to good asphalt criss-cross a beautiful countryside, and often not in a straight line. The people are friendly, and the cheese curds are delicious.

Don’t worry, Sadie rides shotgun in the cab of the truck. She loves the truck.

The roster for the trip was myself driving the Thingamajig with my buddy cg-guy riding shotgun, as well as Birddog with his dog Sadie riding shotgun in his ‘78 Chevy C-10. From Saturday morning until Sunday night, we pounded through the better part of 750 miles of this beautiful country. Behind the wheels of two rusty old pickups, with an old-fashioned paper map to navigate with, and a thirst for adventure … and gas station coffee. We ate good food, met nice people, and burned lots of gasoline (although not as much as I thought I would!). Mile after mile after mile, these old trucks just kept asking for more. The only thing the Thingamajig required was a little more than a quart of power steering fluid, and a little less than a quart of oil. It took everything I dished out on it, and just kept asking for more.

Fresh cheese curds, paired with saltines soaked in oil and spices, as well as cream cheese salami rolls supplied by Mrs. Shop Teacher, served properly on the rusty hood of a C10.

We didn’t race. We didn’t take them off-road. We didn’t do burnouts. We just drove mile after magnificent mile. Upon returning the Thingamajig to the home of The Ass in the Hat, I was pumped for details. “What was the craziest thing you saw or did?” Bill asked. I didn’t really have an answer. There weren’t any “events” on this trip, it was just steady and happy fun. For those two days, nothing mattered except for what we would find around the next bend.

Except for replacing the very old truck tires and the torn driver’s seat upholstery, I would do literally nothing to this beautiful survivor ‘56 Chevy sedan, except drive it.

Don’t get me wrong, we found plenty of fun. It was just the fun of the road, and the camaraderie among us, among the road, among our trucks. From the gas station stops, to the sights we chatted about on FRS radios, to the fun roads, to the meals, to watching the first IndyCar race of the year all piled into one hotel room. We were a team of a couple old pickups, a few buddies, and a derg. Honestly, what more do you need?

Tasty C5

Unexpectedly, it was on this trip that Harleys finally started making sense to me. The rural roads in Wisconsin are plenty fun, but they’re not some Swiss mountain pass. An old pickup truck was plenty to ring the neck out of on these roads at the speed limit or thereabouts. It was basically the whole slow car fast thing, but in trucks. Had we been in performance cars, we would have needed to go a whole lot faster to have the same fun. Did this make me want a Harley? No. They’re too expensive, too loud, and too heavy for my tastes, but now I get why they are the way they are. They’re built for Wisconsin.

I’ve said this before, a real enthusiast shouldn’t need a particular vehicle to enjoy driving . Whatever you have at hand, where ever you may be, just get out there and have an adventure! You’ll be better for it.

DISCUSSION (31)

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 11:30

Sounds like a lot of fun. A few guys and a good doggo in some pickemup trucks is an age old recipe for a good time. Add some fun back roads and you’ve got some memories that will last a lifetime.

I very much adhere to the slow car fast idea; 136 horsepower is plenty when you have a car that weighs 3,000 pounds. It’s all about carrying momentum, which is arguably more fun within the speed limit. Booting it at any speed with only a change in noise is fine for most purposes.

shop-teacher > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available
06/10/2020 at 11:31

I concur!

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 11:33

The cops are everywhere, and they’re almost as ruthless about speeding as the ones in Ohio on Interstate 80

Only if you have an Illinois plate...FIB ;)

Next time you go for a drive here you should let me know. Make a pit stop...I’m probably not too far out of the way if you were taking back roads.

shop-teacher > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s
06/10/2020 at 11:36

LOL! If they only pull over us FIBs, then why do the people with Wisconsin plates drive so slowly on I-94 ? :)

Man, I feel dumb for not thinking of emailing you before this trip. We had lots of time, and no planned route. I’ll definitely let you know if we do this again.

This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 11:38

Why was it barred entry to the rallyx?

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 11:40

Haha...I will agree too many people in Wisconsin don’t understand the concept of using the left lane for passing.

Just make sure you don’t do it again lol

shop-teacher > This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja:
06/10/2020 at 11:41

They were afraid I was going to roll it.

This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 11:44

Lame.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 11:46

I haven’t been as active on OPPO lately but I’m glad to hear a final recap story to the ol Metro! Glad it treated you so well!

I’m almost done fixing jet skis so I’ll turn my focus back to the Capri soon to get it running again and start thinking about RallyX for it again.

It DOES surprisingly weigh less than 3,000 pounds while holding a V8 up front. Originally spec’ ed for 157hp out of the 5.0, it’s had some minor upgrades, like true dual flowmasters, edelbrock intake and a 600 cfm holley 4 barrel(which is the biggest upgrade vs the stock 2 barrel). So maybe 175 hp? 190? Somewhere in there we’ll say lol. Should be over 250 torque and with the manual I’ll be able to control power delivery. I’ve never had an expectation of being the fastest around the track, i just want to have a ton of fun and spray a big rooster tail of dirt!

Glad you had a nice F150 adventure...maybe a tow rig for the next RallyX car?

shop-teacher > This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja:
06/10/2020 at 11:47

Agreed. As if something this long would get going fast enough between the cones to roll.

vondon302 > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 12:01

This is good Oppo.

Congrats on the jelly bean!

SpecsGTP > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 12:20

I am squarely in the “I’ll do whatever the F I want to camp” so w hen the SCCA decided the trucks would be a no-go, The Ass in the Hat took a page out of the “let’s make our own fun then” playbook.

The Gambler 500 was fun, but it was even better once we started freestyling instead of trying to make all stops and checkpoints. Doing it on scooters was even better (and somewhat worse/partially insane).

Moral of the story? Go out and make the fun. Find that one road, that sweet switchback, that hole-in-the-wall dive that makes you want to drive hundreds of miles just for another cheeseburger. If your entry fee/registration money isn’t green enough for them, spend it on beef jerky, gas, liquid refreshment, and make the fun yourself!

cg-guy > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 12:25

I concur with everything you said.

Kinja'd!!!

MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick) > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available
06/10/2020 at 12:56

Agreed, modern cars are relatively super fast. Even my 82 Volvo could break any speed limit in Canada that I know still in 3rd gear, you really don’t need much more to have fun (not that more power isn’t fun). I’m honestly a little disappointed that there aren’t really any more slow-car-fast always flat out cars anymore (not that there should be or that anyone would buy them) I don’t even think the new Mirage is underpowered enough for that.

MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick) > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 13:00

That was a great read, thank you. I can’t agree more with your conclusion. I usually don’t like the “a real X person does Y” but I have to agree, if you can’t find some kind of fun in any ride....you may not like driving that much. Something about hustling a car you’re not familiar with or that wasn’t intended for hustling is plenty of fun!

What you said about the rallymetro and the thingamajig having life left really resonated too. I think that’s why I’m so endeared to old Volvos. They’re just regular cars, and they’ve passed their time of general blanket usefulness, but they have way more to give to someone who doesn’t mind their blemishes. Flawed characters are always more interesting.

Chariotoflove > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 13:02

Well done. You almost make me want to take another road trip through the Midwest again!

shop-teacher > Chariotoflove
06/10/2020 at 13:03

Let me know if you do!

shop-teacher > MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick)
06/10/2020 at 13:04

I think a Mirage could be wrung out pretty well on these roads.

shop-teacher > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s
06/10/2020 at 13:04

Yes sir! :)

shop-teacher > SpecsGTP
06/10/2020 at 13:05

Agreed on all counts my friend!

And thanks for making these shenanigans possible. Without you and Birddog, life would be significantly less fun.

shop-teacher > MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick)
06/10/2020 at 13:06

Yes! That is well put.

shop-teacher > vondon302
06/10/2020 at 13:06

Thanks!

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick)
06/10/2020 at 13:07

But no one buys the Mirage because it is an unacceptable crap can.

I think the most slow car fast car that has sold in any appreciable quantity over the last decade has to be the Jeep Patriot. My friend has one that doesn’t have a single solitary option. 5 speed, crank windows, FWD, and less than 140 hp in a box on wheels with a radio in it. That was a 2014 model somehow, but more were sold like that than you would ever expect. It’s so bad its good, and with the tall gearing it is seriously slow. And it also makes the worst sound of any engine I have ever heard, including V6 Rangers (also very slow).

Chariotoflove > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 13:10

Will be driving to Indy again in July, but I never seem to get farther north than that.

My dad just came back from Vermont. He decided to visit Mom’s family in CT on the way to see his nephew in VT. So, he got my sister and her two boys to pile in and just started driving. He’s done the same trip before in his old F150 with Mom and the dog, Cooper, both of whom have sadly passed.

Then when he got back, he went into work and did two straight clinic days.

shop-teacher > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
06/10/2020 at 13:13

I have missed seeing you around here!

The RallyMetro will likely never be topped in the dollars to fun ratio, but the Thingamajig will do its best to compete. It has been even cheaper so far :)

I can’t wait to see that Capri in action! You’ll have plenty of power to have a lot of fun. I agree, it doesn’t matter if you’re competitive. The RallyMetro never was, but you couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face.

SpecsGTP ’s fiance is from Michigan, so they’ve been making lots of trips there. Perhaps a trip to rallycross the truck in a Detroit region event is in order? I seem to recall you mentioning them letting an F-150 run there in the past.

As for using the F-150 as a tow rig for a rallyx car, that probably won’t happen due to budgetary constraints. As in, I’d have to sell the truck in order to have any budget for a car.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 14:29

Yeah I’ve been real busy during working hours and away from “computer-style” internet in non-working hours, basically only in mobile friendly apps, which we know Kinja does not excel at lol. I’m also on embargo for multiple upcoming vehicles and know too much about them so I need to keep my mouth shut about...maybe 5 different releases from multiple manufacturers.

You and RaceKarl are desperate to see the Capri moving. Karl harasses me frequently. I’m trying to get the jet skis running right so I can enjoy family time over the summer with them and then rallyX in the f all/winter/spring. Kinda working my way across the garage in that sense. If I’m looking out, the Yamaha is the furthest to the right, then polaris, then Capri. I’m making my way across slowly but surely.

The yamaha is like 99 % there. Just stalls out at full throttle, might just need some carb tuning. Damn polaris died in the middle of the lake on S aturday wife got stranded at a boat ramp while I hauled ass on the yamaha across 3 lakes to be able to get back to the original boat ramp, load, drive around and go pick her up (she was less than pleased ). I did keep the Yamaha running around 45 mph over 3 foot waves while hauling ass back to the original boat ramp , got a couple of nice jumps in! So I thought the Polaris was about 95%...but apparently it was lower than that.

As for the F-150 it was the only vehicle I ever beat in rallyX LOL, I have to say though I’m not sure if they adjusted the rules to ban them due to rolling risk. They have banned obviously lifted suspension in the last year or so. Would be awesome if they still allow it! They just had an event last weekend.

MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick) > shop-teacher
06/10/2020 at 18:02

Oh absolutely, I just mean it’s not a ‘flat out all the time’ unpowered car, and I think it’s one of the least powerful new cars for sale in North America

MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick) > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available
06/10/2020 at 18:07

I wouldn’t have thought of the patriot, but that’s kind of indicative of my ‘beef’:

Even our most underpowered cars are still quite fast in the grand scheme of things. As much as the Patriot might not accelerate like a rocket, I’m sure it’s capable of breaking most speed limits easily, can go 100mph+, and can’t be driven flat out all the time. That’s absolutely part of progress, and a good thing for the purpose cars are actually supposed to serve. I’m just disappointed ‘flat out everywhere’ slow cars are gone.

All our slow cars today are too slow to feel FAST, but too fast to be flat out all the time responsibly.

I also don’t think the Mirage is that bad, but I haven’t driven one either, and they’re certainly not worth what Mitsubishi/the used market is asking

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick)
06/10/2020 at 19:05

Why have the slowest rocketship on purpose? Yeah.

shop-teacher > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
06/10/2020 at 19:16

I mostly do my kinjaing on mobile. While it’s completely jacked up on the FP (which isn’t much of a loss as there isn’t much there I’m interested in these days), on Oppo the traffic is light enough that it mostly works.

Hopefully you can get those jetskis “finished” soon, and onto the Capri. It’s going to be so freaking cool!

The F-150 is not specifically banned. The only real rule is that the vehicle has to be wider than it is tall, which the one I have is. It’s a bone stock 2wd truck, from before the days when the factories started making them stupid tall. Also, the thing is so long, I seriously doubt I could get going fast enough between the cones to even be close to rolling it . That said, it’s up to the event’s safety steward to make the final call, and the guy running the show in the Milwaukee region told me no. A friend of mine who is very involved with the region offered to go to bat for me with the guy to convince him to let me run, so long as I gave him the width vs height measurements, but we decided to just go back roads bombing instead this time. I might take another shot at being allowed in next month.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > shop-teacher
06/11/2020 at 11:52

I think the detroit region specifically changed their ruling to “no trucks” and no lifted suspension now. Which is a bit over the top imo . E specially because a few crossovers still run, like some old turbo Rav4's (those things rip!)...and because I may need a bit higher suspension to fit my giant tires that I had bought for the Capri haha.

I’m not sure what’s going on with the Polaris ski, it died on the water saturday and for shits and gigg les I tried to start it on the way into the house this morning before my work day began and the bastard fired right up like it had zero problems and everything was fine. New terminal board for it is in the mail so maybe it has some bad connections that need adjusting. hopefully that’ll fix it and i can jump over to the Capri.