Disney's "Black Hole" makes no sense.

"Jim Spanfeller" (awesomeaustinv) 06/05/2020 at 01:45 • Filed to: None

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What were you smoking in 1979, Disney?

Anybody remember this movie? It was basically Disney’s attempt to cash in on the success of Star Wars, and it failed epically. I watched it recently because I saw it on Disney+ and remembered the little children’s book they made of it, so I was curious to know what the movie was like. And oh wow is it bad. Like, really really absurdly hilariously bad.

So basically the movie starts out with the crew of the U.S.S. Palomino in 2130 flyin’ through space... as you do... and they come across this big honkin’ black hole. The movie already seems a bit odd to me because their ship is freaking tiny. And they’re supposed to be on a deep space mission looking for hospitable planets. And there’s like at least five people and a robot crammed in there! How do they not hate each other’s guts by now? Anyways, the characters have no personality so I forgot their names. But there was Grandpa Guy, Dolores Umbridge, Captain Guy, Journalist Guy, and Wierd Young Guy (who isn’t shown in this picture, but it’s okay because nobody cares).

Oh, and of course there was V.I.N.CENT, who is a ripoff of both R2D2 and C3po at the same time while being as charming as neither.

But anyways, they see the black hole, and they notice a big freakin’ space ship called the U.S.S. Cygnet near the rim of it, and then they’re like “Oh, so that’s where that went.” Dolores Umbridge is like “OMG, my daddy was on that ship!!”, so they decide to go near the ship and just sort of check things out I guess. Predictably, they start getting sucked into the black hole and the ship starts shaking like a chihuahua with espresso because, as we all know, black hole gravity causes space earthquakes! This causes pipes to break and gasses to spew everywhere while everyone sits around and ignores the fact that V.I.N.CENT is just spinning around for no reason. Then the shaking stops because they’re in the metaphorical eye of the space hurricane. And then it starts again and V.I.N.CENT (You know what? Screw it, I’m just gonna call him Vincent) goes out his little space tube to use his magnetic balls to do... stuff. In space! Then Dolores Umbridge uses ESP to psychically communicate to Vincent what he needs to do. Oh yeah, she has ESP by the way, but it only works with the robot. No, this is never explained in further detail.

So then a bunch of random crap happens, Vincent saves himself from getting sucked into the black hole using his eject-o-magnet, and then they’re on the Cygnet hoping to get parts for the Palomino. As soon as they get on the ship, they tell Weird Young Guy to stay behind. An order which he follows for a few minutes. But as soon as they’re on the Cygnet, their weapons are destroyed by lasers. They just accept this and move on. Then they wander for a while through this massive ship with absolutely gargantuan amounts of empty space that exist for no apparent reason. They just accept this and move on. Then they find a weird little tram in a glass tube that goes through the outside of the ship, which seems like a TERRIBLE idea, and that takes them to the bridge.

There, they meet Hans Reinhardt.

He’s a bearded man with a Russian accent in a sci-fi movie from the seventies, which should be a dead giveaway that he’s the villain, but the Palomino crew somehow forget about this and accept that he’s the sole survivor on a ship now populated almost entirely by creepy humanoid robots. Some of which are actually quite hilarious, on account of them walking in the most stupid, unnecessarily awkward way. They’re supposed to be scary, but they come across more as silly and cringey. Oh, and right about now, a pair of them bring Weird Young Guy to the bridge because he was sneaking around. Then Maximillian, the evil creepy master robot dude, decides to intimidate them by staring them down and spinning his claws. Vincent decides this is a great opportunity to get all up in Maximillian’s face, and Reinhardt is like “No, Maximillian! Bad boy!”, to which he responds by staring at them all creepily.

They just accept this and move on. So then Maximillian creepily takes them to the parts department of the ship, where they encounter B.O.B., who is basically the smashed-up crushed can version of Vincent. Also, he has a southern accent for some reason. Then, everyone just sort of wanders around the ship and does a bunch of random, ultimately unimportant things for a while. During this time, major plot points aren’t really uncovered so much as unceremoniously dumped on the viewer. Vincent goes to the space shooting range with B.O.B, kicks the top shooter’s butt (accidentally killing him in the process), and B.O.B. reveals all of Reinhardt’s dirty little secrets. Because that’s what happens when you abuse your robots. Captain Guy wanders by a window and sees the robots disposing of one of their own with all the reverence of a funeral, and this bothers Captain Guy. Grandpa Guy finds the ship’s garden and asks a robot whether it can talk, waiting awkwardly for a response. This disturbs him. Then everyone has dinner with Reinhardt a few times and he chats with them about how he’s going to go into the black hole and explore unknown worlds for science, and he wants the Palomino crew to document it. They argue on and off about whether or not they can trust him, and Journalist Guy, who is an idiot, wants to go with Reinhardt.

Then Vincent gets into trouble with B.O.B. when B.O.B. shows him how the robots are made, and they kill a couple sentrys. Then Vincent does his whole ESP thing with Dolores Umbridge and tells her all about how Reinhardt killed the whole crew and turned them into zombie robot things so he could stay in space longer, and the rebellion led by Dolores’s dad failed. The rest of the crew starts catching on that this place is messed up, and Dolores, who is stuck in the bridge with Journalist Guy, tries to convince Journalist Guy not to stay. He doesn’t, but Reinhardt figures out that Dolores knows, Journalist Guy pulls off the mask of one of the robots and sees the zombie face underneath, and Maximillian gives him the purple nurple of death. And thus, Journalist Guy ded.

Dolores Umbridge then gets sent to the “hospital” to be turned into a robot, but all they manage to do is put tinfoil all over her head before Captain Guy saves her. Grandpa Guy and Weird Young Guy run through the halls and Grandpa Guy turns traitor and fakes a broken leg, allowing him to sneak onto the Palomino and ditch them all. But Reinhardt orders the Palomino shot down and it explodes. Also, at this time he starts accelerating into the black hole, and the whole story ceases to make any sense whatsoever. They run all over the ship as it becomes increasingly more destroyed by meteors and explosions and whatnot, and epic battles between them and the sentrys ensue. But the sentrys are ridiculously easy to kill, so it’s okay. At one point they take the tube tram thing and a meteor or something knocks off the other end of it, and they stop at THE EDGE OF A HOLE IN A TUBE IN SPACE. THEY ARE LITERALLY STANDING NEXT TO A MASSIVE GAPING HOLE IN A SPACESHIP AND SOMEHOW NOT DYING.

They just accept this and move on. They decide to take the probe space ship (oh yeah, that was another random thing that happened earlier), and on the way to it, they run through the garden, but the sentrys arrive and a hole gets punched in the roof. Then everything supposedly gets really frosty, but it just looks like dust. Also, the robots start getting sucked into space, but the Palomino crew manages to hold them down by pulling each other to the ground because, as we all know, gravity is stronger when you’re on the ground! And everybody manages to somehow miraculously survive being right next to a gaping hole in a spaceship AGAIN. Then they have to battle Maximillian, who gives Vincent the electric hug of death while shrugging off their laser blasts. But Vincent drills a hole in Maximillian and kills him, so it’s okay. Then they have to run through the center of the ship as a ginormous fiery meteor punches through into the spaceship and-

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? THERE’S A GIANT METEOR THE SIZE OF A FREAKING BUILDING PUNCHING A HOUSE-SIZED HOLE IN THE SPACESHIP AND THEY’RE STILL SOMEHOW NOT SUFFOCATING OR BEING SUCKED INTO SPACE!!!?? AND THEY JUST ACCEPT THIS AND MOVE ON!

Then the bridge gets all collapsey and Reinhardt gets crushed by a TV screen while the Palomino crew reaches the probe ship, FULLY EXPOSED TO OUTER SPACE BY THE WAY, and one of them literally starts floating off into space. But Vincent catches him, because of course he does, and screw logic. They blast off in the probe ship which might as well have been an open-top roadster with this movie’s logic, and they blast off... into the black hole.

Fun fact: That’s actually where the movie’s script ends. But it’s not the end of the movie. The completely and utterly absurd mess that happens next is the result of the movie’s director and producers desperately trying to figure out what to put there. The script had no real ending, so they improvised. And all I can say is, what the crap?

REINHARDT AND MAXIMILLIAN SOMEHOW FUSE TOGETHER AND THEN GET SENT TO ACTUAL HELL. This is probably the darkest scene in the whole movie. It features rows of skeletal beings and fires and brimstone and everything, all with the creepy silhouette of Maximillian/Reinhardt standing above it all like a devil. Like what the crap, Disney!

But luckily, the Palomino crew is pure of heart or whatever, so they get sent through this trippy stained-glass window portal thing and see ghost Jesus.

And the movie ends with them emerging back into space with a presumably hospitable planet looming in front of them. No other explanations given.

So should you see this movie? Yes. It’s the ultimate “What the crap did I just watch?” movie. Hilariously confusing and illogical. You’ll be questioning your sanity the whole time!

But really though, this movie mostly demonstrates how far ahead of its time Star Wars was. Star Wars became a timeless classic and a massive cultural phenomenon, something which few other movies of the time period accomplished. At least not on the same scale. And movies like this one demonstrate why.

At least these guys look kinda cool when they’re not moving:

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 01:56

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Dude I loved that movie when I was a kid, I even had the record story book thing.

Jim Spanfeller > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 06/05/2020 at 01:59

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My grandparents had the little golden book with Vincent and B.O.B, which I liked. The movie definitely looks cool and has some neat special effects for the time period, but the story doesn’t make a whole lotta sense. They are exposed to the vacuum of space at least four times without dying, for crying out loud.

Noodles > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 02:13

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Sounds like there was only one thing missing from this movie

pip bip - choose Corrour > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 02:38

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Never heard of it before 

Edgyhal94 > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 05:32

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I’m glad someone else watched this and had a similar reaction of WTAF did I just watch? From my memory it’s a strangely long and slow film that yes, looks neat, but what’s left of the plot loses integrity and coherence towards the end with the fucking Indiana Jones meteor rolling along the ship... Jesus that was a weird film.

One thing I did take away, for my own writing was what prefix to use for starships, as before watching I was using RAFISV (Royal Air Force Interstellar Vehicle) which made sense but I didn’t like, so when I heard a HMS I said screw it the Royal Navy does ships, so HMISV it is. Then I just dropped the ISV part because it’s clunky as hell in a conversation on a radio.

Anyway, good write up. This could be a thing, what were you/ they smoking, (blank) when you/they came up with (blank)

I suggest the black cauldron, again a Disney WTF moment  ... that was a weird and sort of awkward film, sort of like it though for the atmosphere

vondon302 > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 06:16

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I remember seeing this when it came out. I was like ten at the time and I remember thinking at that time this was a cash grab.

Tekamul > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 07:08

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I love that movie, it’s so full of WTF.

The end where he arrives in hell, wearing the robot is clearly depicted in my Last Will and Testament.  I just have to hope I live long enough for the technology to advance to make it happen.

CalzoneGolem > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 07:29

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I’m not sure if you were trying to dissuade us from watching this but it makes me want to watch this.

SpecsGTP > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 06/05/2020 at 08:56

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Duuuuude! I had that too! Listened to it until I wore it out. Thanks for the memory reminder!

gokstate > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 06/05/2020 at 09:00

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Me three. I think mine was on cassette. Remember the “ding” chime that meant it was time to turn the page?

ttyymmnn > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 09:25

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You realize that the movie is basically a remake of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea , right?

I saw this movie in the theater when it came out, and it was one of the first things I watched on Disney+. It has its issues, and some of it is typical  Disney, but when the guy got his guts ripped out by the big mean robot that was a particularly violent moment for Disney. I still think that much of the special effects are pretty remarkable for the time.

Roadkilled > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 09:42

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The original script was submitted to Disney in 1975, and they started rework in 1976. There were some rewrites after Star Wars came out, but this wasn’t exactly an attempt to cash in on Star Wars. It was originally based on the popular disaster films of the era such as the Airport series, The Towering Inferno and others.

I remember seeing it when it came out and I didn’t find it very impressive then. Watching it again a couple decades later, I found it had aged poorly. It almost seemed like a parody back then. I have no interest in seeing it every again.

My bird IS the word > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 09:44

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Space movies would be pretty boring if they didnt make stuff up.

Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 10:30

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That sounds.... like a 70s sci fi movie.

My contribution to “weird movie I just watched” has to be: Oh hey I just watched Cannonball Run for the first time and the movie is ridiculous .

HammerheadFistpunch > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 10:42

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Memories flooding back. Yeah Disney really wanted into space but really really sucked at it

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Noodles 06/05/2020 at 10:49

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This sounds like the Star Crash episode, where people just decide that they should die as a plot point. From jumping over railings to terrible robots to random force ghost p seu do spiritual stuff, it sounds like they have been made by the same person.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 10:56

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As someone who has watched an absurd amount of famously terrible movies (Manos: the Hands of Fate, Bride of the Monster, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Monster A Go Go, and several Ed Wood films to name a few ) this sounds like I would enjoy it. Ever hear of Bride of the Monster? It’s about someone who created a horrific monster except the monster is just a normal octopus while a misunderstood lumbering henchmen finds people for the doctor to turn into more mo nsters except it never works. At the end, there is an incomprehensible accident and someone mutters, “he tampered in God’s domain” and the movie ends. It’s consistently ranked one of the very worst ever made, but personally I think Monster A Go Go is worse.

I think you would really like Mystery Science Theater 3000 if you liked this. It's a show where this guy is "forced" to watch terrible movies as part of a scientific experiment to drive him mad. The movies are real and they are so bad they're good.

CaptDale - is secretly British > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 11:12

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Weird 

just-a-scratch > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 11:49

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I have a few vague memories of this, mostly about not liking the creepy humanoid robot.

Thanks for letting me know I don’t need to rewatch this one, unless I really want to watch something bad. 

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/05/2020 at 12:33

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I’ve heard of Mystery Science Theater 3000 but never seen it. Is it on any streaming networks?

Jim Spanfeller > HammerheadFistpunch 06/05/2020 at 12:35

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Yeah... I mean I get that the script had no ending so they had to improvise, but that doesn’t explain why the buildup to that didn’t make any sense...

Jim Spanfeller > My bird IS the word 06/05/2020 at 12:52

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True, but I mean come on... Everybody knows you get sucked into space and suffocate if there’s a hole in the ship. Basic Sci-fi common knowledge. But they avoid this fate no less than four times!

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 12:54

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Allow me to introduce you. It is a quirky show with a quirky sense of humor, but you seem like a likely candidate to appreciate it. They sometimes air on IFC or Comet, which Youtube TV records if you want it to, but many are on Youtube. Netflix used to have a lot of the old ones but now they just have their own reboot, which is pretty good but I wouldn’t start with one of those.

Here’s the premise: (sli ghtly loud for some reason, but includes the door sequence)

The show consists of host segments, usually variety show esque, and then the theater segments where the protagonist and his robot friends riff on the movie they are watching.

For a first one to watch, if you want, I would recommend The Giant Gila Monster .

Jim Spanfeller > Roadkilled 06/05/2020 at 12:57

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From what I had read, they rewrote the script numerous times in the mid seventies, but gave up on it when they couldn’t make it work. But after the success of Star Wars, they decided to resurrect the movie. It does seem like a bad parody of Star Wars and 2001 Space Odyssey.

Jim Spanfeller > ttyymmnn 06/05/2020 at 12:59

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I do agree with you there. Even when what’s happening makes no sense, I have to at least appreciate that it does look really cool. The illogical meteor scene in particular was especially impressive.

Jim Spanfeller > CalzoneGolem 06/05/2020 at 13:02

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Not necessarily trying to dissuade you. Sometimes watching ridiculous movies can be fun! And it doesn’t get much more ridiculous than this...

Jim Spanfeller > Edgyhal94 06/05/2020 at 13:09

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I also watched the black cauldron recently... I’d say that one was more disappointing than nonsensical. Especially after reading the history of it and seeing how they had grand plans for it and excellent source material. It was supposed to be the “Snow White” of a new generation, but it was ruined by poor  management, constantly changing who was working on it, and trying to condense five books worth of material into one movie. It had so much potential for greatness, but failed miserably.

Jim Spanfeller > pip bip - choose Corrour 06/05/2020 at 13:11

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You’re welcome.

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/05/2020 at 13:14

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Thanks!

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 13:15

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I promise this movie is not at all disturbing like that time I recommended The Cars that Ate  Paris. I think you’ll love it. 

Edgyhal94 > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 13:18

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Funny, they failed by attempting to compress so much story into a single film, pretty adamant the Hobbit trilogy was the exact opposite yet disappointed me weirdly way too much than I usually am. Like the first part I like, I think Martin Freeman is pretty entertaining in them but I watched them all as part of my entrainment during these times and I was just left with a feeling of disappointment. Also felt like it wasn’t epic enough and yet tried too hard to be epic, but then again try following up the lord of the rings... wait... what was point again?

Oh yeah, the Black Cauldron did however have a well designed bad guy thing. Looked creepy, I think was killed by the weird moustached pikachu/snarf/ewok  thing that I think threw itself into the cauldron or something... maybe I need to watch it again.    

Jim Spanfeller > Edgyhal94 06/05/2020 at 13:45

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Yeah, Gergie the annoying floof commits sacrificial suicide by jumping into the cauldron because he has no friends. The horned king is indeed one of the coolest-looking Disney villains imo, but it’s too bad he never really does anything. He just sort of sits around choking his minions and looking creepy. An d at the end you expect him to have an epic boss battle with the hero es of the story, but all that happens is that he gets kicked and slowly sucked into the cauldron. That, to me, was the most disappointing part. Th ere needed to be a heroic, climactic battle and there wasn’t.

Edgyhal94 > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 14:20

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So basically the bad guy gets flushed away in a matter of speaking with no cool fight? No wonder I forgot the ending bar the Gergie death, which I think I laughed at because I have an unreasonably dark sense of humour. I think the film was also a not inconsiderable flop, which isn’t an alien concept to Disney. I mean usually I remember their flops, like the pretty brilliant but underrated Treasure Planet which I remember fondly and is the only film or work I can think of that successfully does the age of sail but in space well. 

Jim Spanfeller > Edgyhal94 06/05/2020 at 14:31

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Treasure Planet was awesome! I don’t know why people didn’t like it... It blew my mind when I saw it. And Morph was cute.

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > gokstate 06/05/2020 at 14:48

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I did have cassettes later on but this was for sure on record, maybe some other Disney ones too, I kind of remember Bre r Rabbit and the Tar Baby or something. I think I had these for sure:

Edgyhal94 > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 15:49

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I love Treasure Planet and Atlantis, I have no idea how they didn’t do as well as the others. Well then again, I might, as they did come out as 2D was looking so last century in a time of rapid 3D innovations... pity, as the sequel to Treasure Planet, on paper at least, sounded pretty fun and swashbuckling.

Jim Spanfeller > Edgyhal94 06/05/2020 at 15:51

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There was going to be a sequel!?

Man, I haven’t seen Atlantis in forever... Maybe I ought to re-watch it.

Edgyhal94 > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 16:03

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Yup, the Treasure Planet sequel   was to follow the characters from the first in the space navy (I don’t know the actual name of the organisation), with a space robot Blackbeard stealing a prototype ironclad warship and going on a prison break and basically making a mess of things in general. Would of loved to see more of that universe... damn you Disney! Thy giveth, then  taketh away in equal measures!

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > Edgyhal94 06/05/2020 at 19:08

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Both of those are great

Chariotoflove > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 19:12

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The noise about this movie at the time was that it was Disney’s first PG-rated film. Also, BOB’s accent was supposed to be more of a Western, cowboy-type.

Yeah, not a great film, but you can enjoy anything with enough sense of nostalgia and some  cheap whiskey.

Jb boin > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 19:13

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!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Sorry.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 19:28

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Disney’s Black Hole is perfect . You shut your whore mouth.

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 19:52

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That movie is all kinds of fucked up.

bmil128 > Jim Spanfeller 06/05/2020 at 20:11

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No it wasn’t great, but if I find it’s on I have to watch it, memories of my youth. And you got it mixed up, “grandpa guy” was the journalist, Anthony Perkins‘ character was a scientist before being disemboweled by Maximillian. Pretty strange turn there for a Disney movie.

Jim Spanfeller > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 06/05/2020 at 20:36

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Childhood nostalgia?

LastFirstMI is my name > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 06/05/2020 at 21:39

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Came here to say this. MST3K is what I remember most about college. 

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > LastFirstMI is my name 06/05/2020 at 21:41

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Guess what I am watching right now. Yes.

Thisismydisplayname > Jim Spanfeller 06/06/2020 at 07:52

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Yes.

MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick) > Jim Spanfeller 08/11/2020 at 14:11

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Your review made me laugh out loud a couple of times. I love movies where the plot is just.....non-existent. The final section where they ran out of script sounds glorious. 10/10 must watch for me 

Jim Spanfeller > MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick) 08/11/2020 at 14:14

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I recommend you do! 

MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick) > Jim Spanfeller 08/11/2020 at 14:30

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I was going to say I should try and get in a similar mind-state as the director and writers.....but I don’t think you can get Quaaludes   anymore

Jim Spanfeller > MKULTRA1982(ConCrustyBrick) 08/11/2020 at 14:36

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lol