Names and backstories of cars from my local Craigslist.

"Jim Spanfeller" (awesomeaustinv) 04/22/2020 at 16:06 • Filed to: I'm Bored

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First we have Margaret. She teaches 6th grade science and is not to be messed with, ever since the infamous onion incident of 1989... Her favorite bands are the Beach Boys and the Beastie Boys, and her favorite pastime is building highly-accurate scale models and blowing them up with homemade fireworks.

Her most famous party trick is her ability to eject her eyeball at will:

Next we have Tad Bob. He is afraid of mushrooms and Accuras. His favorite song is Africa by Toto, which he listens to on repeat for exactly three hours every day. He struggles with the suspicion that he is responsible for all of the world’s problems, which is why he now spends most of his time on Zoom meetings with his therapist, who has to repeatedly assure him that he did not cause coronavirus. Mysteriously, he has no recollection of the infamous onion incident of 1989, and believes it may have been a conspiracy. Someone should probably check on him...

Next is Tad Bob’s sister, Clarice Bob. She fears nothing, and is rumored to be the root cause of the infamous onion incident of 1989. She is friendly but easily angered, and leaves a trail of destruction behind her in most relationships. She also has a strange obsession with llamas, which she prefers over other cars. Her favorite songs are “Du Hast” and “Careless Whisper”.

Next is Jiminy Billy Bob, who is mute. He wasn’t always this way, and his muteness is believed to have something to do with the infamous onion incident of 1989. His favorite band is Journey, and his favorite pastime is baking muffins alone in the woods. It has long been rumored that he and Clarice Bob love each other, but he’s never confirmed this, and frankly we’re too scared to ask Clarice Bob.

Next up is Tyrone Jones. He was once the most popular car of the group, until the infamous onion incident of 1989, after which he mysteriously disappeared for seven years. When he was finally found again, he was passed out in the middle of an abandoned quarry. Officials tried to ask him what had happened, but the only answer they could get out of him was “In Atlantis, no one can hear you scream.” Now, he has mostly managed to return to a normal life, although he still occasionally hides in a corner while sobbing and reciting the lyrics to “Rock the Casbah”.

Next is Dale Oatbarley, a world-renowned goat expert who was once known for his thick Texan accent, but mysteriously lost it after the infamous onion incident of 1989, now speaking in a thick French accent. His favorite pastime is building forts out of hay and playing with his goats in them, although recently he has begun to develop an interest in wine, escargot, croissants, and the Eiffel Tower. His favorite song was once “Sweet Home Alabama”, but lately he seems to prefer “Ça c’est vraiment toi” by Telephone.

Next is Rachel. She is widely agreed to be one of the prettiest cars in town, and she has dated many of the other popular cars in town before, but now she insists that she is in a serious long-distance relationship with a very sweet, red Chevy Cruze named Geoff. Good for her, I guess ! She was once known for struggling in almost all of her classes, but after the infamous onion incident of 1989, she somehow became an absolute wizard at math. She can solve equations like nobody’s business, and now she aspires to be a professional mathematician.

And finally, we have  , or Kinitíras Trigónou. She identifies as a raven trapped in a car’s body, and she terrifies the other cars. The only car who isn’t intimidated by Kini (as her friends like to call her) is Clarice Bob, and the two are bitter rivals. While she may or may not have been the direct cause of the infamous onion incident of 1989, she almost certainly had something to do with it. She has often been seen muttering incantations while driving erratically, and some say you can see plants wither in her presence. Rumor has it she once tried to put a spell on Margaret, but it was deflected by one of Margaret’s fireworks, and Clarice Bob pinned her down before she could try again. Her favorite song is “Harvester of Eyes” by Blue Oyster Cult, and we don’t want to know what her favorite pastime is.

And lastly, there’s Carrie. She was conceived in the infamous onion incident of 1989. No one knows who her parents were, but she was adopted by Margaret and her upbringing was a bit of a group effort among most of the cars, except Kini, who is afraid of her for some unknown reason. Right from the start, she was known for her lightning-fast reflexes, and several strange abilities, such as the ability to talk to motorcycles. Her favorite band is Parliament Funkadelic, and her favorite pastime is working as a private detective.

MoCamino > Jim Spanfeller 04/22/2020 at 16:34

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Dale Oatbarley seems like a nice guy.  I could even forgive the obviously fake French accent and his snooty food preferences.

Jim Spanfeller > MoCamino 04/22/2020 at 16:39

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He is a very nice guy, just be warned that his obsession with goats knows no bounds...

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 04/22/2020 at 18:02

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This is not the type of crowd I want Geoff hanging out with! Besides, he is severely allergic to onions.

I made sure I wasn't in a video call to read this so I could laugh freely.

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 04/22/2020 at 18:11

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Not even if Geoff’s dating an Alfa Romeo?

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 04/22/2020 at 18:14

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I’m just not sure those Alfas can be depended on in the long run. I heard they be a little temperamental and high maintenance. He doesn’t need another broken heart.

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 04/22/2020 at 18:17

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Bruh, that’s manufacturerist!

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 04/22/2020 at 18:19

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Call me old fashioned but I will not be beguiled by a some pretty top down roadster.

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 04/22/2020 at 18:33

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But the other closest match for Geoff on the dating website was Bertha:

She has 142.5 cats, her favorite song is “I T ouch Myself”, and her favorite pastime is crocheting likenesses of Morgan Freeman. She was once an ordinary hippie, but she drew the short straw and had to clean up after the infamous onion incident of 1989, which changed her forever... 

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 04/22/2020 at 18:45

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Online dating can’t match up to the real world. There are plenty of, umm, characters around here.

There’s that homeless old Frenchman down the road

And that homeless old Italian down the road

And that creepy girl from the trailer park

And oh, I see your point.

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 04/22/2020 at 18:56

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I suppose there’s also Clarice Bob, but any relationship with her is pretty much g ua ranteed to end in a train wreck. Y ou get some good stories out of it, though. Such as the infamous onion incident of 1989...

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 04/22/2020 at 19:04

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“She also has a strange obsession with llamas, which she prefers over other cars.”

I hope they are stuffed because llama farmers can be a little rough around the edges.

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 04/22/2020 at 19:50

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Nope, she has on average 4.7 live llamas at a time. I think several of her failed relationships have ended with the words “A bout the llamas...”

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Jim Spanfeller 04/22/2020 at 20:24

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Some memorabilia that clutters the parts of the house garage not devoted to the (indoor) llamas themselves

Jim Spanfeller > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 04/22/2020 at 23:59

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I call this one the “Falalalallama”: