Morning Music / Parenting Rant

"functionoverfashion" (functionoverfashion) 04/22/2020 at 08:04 • Filed to: Parenting-19

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Anyone remember the movie Groundhog Day? Normally there are distinct things that separate each day from the one before, and now t he only way things are different is if I make them different. That, and the weather is different every day, often several times a day because April. It’s a bit maddening.

Above all, I find that by the end of the day I’m just absolutely at capacity for noise. I t’s been very windy lately, so even going outside it’s not quiet. We get hammered by westerly winds, so when the forecast says 10-20mph all day (every day last week) it really means 10-20mph in my yard all day. That gets old.

I’m not one to sit in silence, and in fact, I often put music on in the house on weekends when we’re all just doing chores, etc. but it’s the constant noise produced by the kids that gets me. It seems 7 year old boys just need to produce noise with some part of their body approximately 100.00 % of their waking hours. A rare exception is the time when they’re watching TV, because there’s no way you could make more noise than the TV plus it holds their attention - but that’s a wash. O therwise, it’s one of the following:

25%: stories about made-up things that are long-winded and complex, requiring frequent acknowledgements from others (okay, me) that they are listening and understand, despite the fact that when I tell a story about how we need to take a shower and get dressed the main points of the story are generally missed and all they hear is the sounds that adults make in Peanuts cartoons

15%: sound effects of a toy or imaginary object as it travels around the house

5%: ordering younger sister around

5%: narrating the actions of various toys at length and with great enthusiasm “IT’S THE WORLD CUP AND THIS IS THE FIIINNAAAAAALLLLLSSS”

10%: asking for help with something, which, by the time I actually get there, he’s figured out

10%: yelling at younger sister

50 %: whining - don’t underestimate the capacity for whining, even when he literally has immediate access to all our food and all his toys and very little is being asked of him

30%: sound effects for no reason

25%: REALLY LOUD SOUND EFFECTS TO ACCOMPANY BODILY MOVEMENTS

2%: farting

20%: laughing at farts

8%: doing something to younger sister that produces no noise in itself, but causes younger sister to scream and/or yell as though she’s being murdered, despite the fact that when she falls off her bike she brushes her legs off, checks for blood, if none, says “no blood!” and keeps riding

1000%: more sound effects

100%: (as I was writing this, I heard one I almost forgot about! ) banging various objects together to produce new, interesting noises, including but not limited to, body parts on walls, furniture; toys on walls, floors, furniture; actual musical instruments; pretend musical instruments; opening and closing doors violently; running up and down stairs in a way that makes more noise that I thought humanly possible; and of course, crying because of bodily injury resulting from one or more of the above

Am I unreasonably picking on the boy? No, he just genuinely makes 80% more noise than his younger sister. Older sibling? Boy? Not sure. But it’s a fact nonetheless.

So I was reminded this morning of this song, because all I really want sometimes is some silence. I went for a bike ride with a friend this weekend and stopped by a pond in the woods, just to listen to the glorious silence, interrupted only by the gentle breeze blowing through the trees. I drank it in like a single malt scotch and it was soul-quenching.

Oh yeah the song:

tl/dr - song’s chorus is “can I please have some silence” which I desperately need right now, stuck at home 7 days a week with two small kids.

And I dare you to check my math. Spend a day in my house, I assure you it’s correct. 

phenotyp > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 08:10

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Oh god.

I can confirm your math, though I would add 50% out-of-tune ukulele, these days. 

pip bip - choose Corrour > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 08:14

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hang in there, it will get better, just not sure when though

Jetstreamer > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 08:17

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This is my favorite version of that track:

CalzoneGolem > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 08:17

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The wind just blew our umbrella out it’s stand. Guess I didn’t tighten that enough.

functionoverfashion > phenotyp 04/22/2020 at 08:30

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well yesterday he fell on the ukulele and broke it - no joke

functionoverfashion > pip bip - choose Corrour 04/22/2020 at 08:31

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It will, it will. It wouldn’t be as bad if I wasn’t also trying to work, but I’m thankful to still have a job, so there’s that. 

functionoverfashion > Jetstreamer 04/22/2020 at 08:32

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Oh that’s good. I may have to check out some more of those... thank you!

See, I do have noice-cancelling headphones, but I’m afraid to put them on - I don’t totally trust the kids not to kill each other lol

functionoverfashion > CalzoneGolem 04/22/2020 at 08:34

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Our umbrella for our deck furniture gets folded up and put away at all times, it would not survive the average windy day here. We had a hot tub a few years ago, and one morning I woke up to find the cover in the front yard. The hot tub is in the back yard. 

Jetstreamer > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 08:39

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No problem, it’s a good album. There is another double CD album called Classical Trancelations which is the other way around, putting classical music into a trance track, also worth a listen if you like those kind of crossovers I guess :). Just force the kids to listen to it as well and teach them some culture, haha.

Edit: I’ll link both full albums on YouTube:

Trance to classical/orchestral:

Classical to trance/electronic:

Tripper > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 08:40

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Definitely feel for you and all of those with kids who are old enough to know what is going on, but too young to support themselves.

My brother in law has 5 kids. 10-3, two are twins, one is special needs. He’s a year younger than I (35). When my wife visits I can get anxiety through the phone. It’s MAYHEM over there 24-7 even before lockdown...

My problem is going to come when I go back to the office and my almost 2 year old is gonna be like where TF does my daddy go everyday now!?!?!?

Snuze: Needs another Swede > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 08:52

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1305% if I’m not mistaken.

As an acoustic engineer, I feel like you are making the mistake of confusing noise duration with volume (intensity). Duration is continuous - normalize to 100% since you can’t have more time than infinite time.

But volume gets interesting. Based on my limited experiences with children, I could imagine that your son has been producing noises approaching 400 dB , especially after several weeks in quarantine with time to experiment . By way of comparison, a large caliber rifle produces approximately 170 dB. In standard atmospheric conditions 194 dB is the hard physical limit to “ sound” pressure - above this the waveform clips and you’re left with a simple pressure wave (think sonic boom, explosion, etc.) . The 1883 er uption of the Krakatoa produced 310 decibels - I think for a bored, coo ped up child 400 dB is not out of the question.

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 08:55

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And, yet, you are still winning. It takes a while however to get the Parenting Trophy.

CalzoneGolem > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 09:01

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They cut down a bunch of trees across the street that had been blocking the winds from off the strawberry fields now they get funneled into our backyard I guess .

I hear ya on the kid noise. For us though our girl is definitely louder than our boy and older so there’s that.

HoustonRunner > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 09:07

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I’ll add the the “banging on objects jsut to make a noise” part definitely falls off.  My twin 9 year old boys don’t do that much.  With the recent situation the bulk of the time is talking about Roblox (kind of like Mincraft, but with more fart jokes).

PyramidHat > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 09:15

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I’ve resorted to white noise and sound cancelling headphones

PyramidHat > phenotyp 04/22/2020 at 09:17

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And a harmonica, and bongos and a piano and WHO BOU GHT THE KID GODDAMN MUSICAL INATRUMENTS!

functionoverfashion > CalzoneGolem 04/22/2020 at 09:22

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Similar here re: trees down. Some logging in the fall made a ~2.5 acre clearing to our west-northwest, which is precisely where the worst cold winds come from, typically after the passing of a front. On the other hand, our view is better:

the left side was cut previously but you can see the difference by the shed, and behind it

functionoverfashion > Snuze: Needs another Swede 04/22/2020 at 09:31

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lol seriously. On a related note, Krakatoa was a great book (John McPhee I believe). Incredible how that sound was detected all over the world, on mulitple passes no less. 

Snuze: Needs another Swede > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 09:40

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I haven’t read it, I’ll have to check it out. But I am somewhat familiar with the event and it is incredible. I actually deal mostly with ocean acoustics which is a bit different than airborne acoustics.

One other thing to recall, which you may already know , but 10 decibels is an order of magnitude increase, so your 7 y.o. at 400 dB is 90 dB, or 10^9 times louder than Krakatoa, or 10^23 times louder than a gunshot.

I think we’re starting to get into some physics bending territory here, like making plasma or something. 

Thisismydisplayname > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 09:46

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Lmao, on the dare to check the math... I have 4 little ones and I believe your math is 100% spot on. Oh the whining.... of it weren’t for that, we could be so much more,.... well, better off. The other noises I can handle.... mostly. I’m always reminded it could be different, and my kids could be special needs, or something along those lines, so that thought helps me keep a bit of perspective when I want to take one of them by the collar and belt loop and toss them outside....

I’m glad you were able to find a quite spot to soak it in though, it’s important to keep yourself sane. Like on a plane, you have to put on your mask first, then help someone else. I’ve been working on a transmission rebuild so I get to leave the house a bit to go work on that... coping mechanisms.

Thisismydisplayname > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 09:50

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And you and I both know, when there’s silence in the house and kids are home, nothing good is happening. Unless it’s because some of them are napping... no,  wait, yeah I stand by my original statement....  napping is just them recharging so they can torment each other late into the evening ;)

functionoverfashion > Thisismydisplayname 04/22/2020 at 10:20

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Indeed, I’m really lucky in a lot of ways, and I know that. I’ve been doing little projects here and there to keep myself sane also. Another thing I’m thankful for is that my kids are 5 and 7, not 1 and 3. They’re pretty independent, really. I can actually work (some) while being home with them all day. I have friends with little kids, holed up in an apartment in a city. We’ve got endless woods to explore. So yeah... could be in finitely worse.

Nothing > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 10:31

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I’m with you. I just had to yell up the stairs and ask what my son was doing. “Making weird noises.” STOP!

And like you, going outside isn’t a break from the noise. It’s not windy here for a change, but my neighbors are now always outside. The three year old, without fail, always asks “What are you doing over there?” as soon as anyone steps out. She’s also in the “why?” phase which isn’t cute when it’s your own kid, let alone somebody else’s.

I remember  talking to a friend that had an 8 year old at the time, asking him what he listened to on his morning commute. He said he listened to nothing, his work commute was the only time he could have quiet.

Thisismydisplayname > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 10:52

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We’re super fortunate as well.  We moved a little over a year ago and the new house has a huge backyard for the kiddos to romp around in.  The few days we’ve had so far with nicer weather have been good for all of us to get outside.  There was a day last year when we were out flying a kite in our backyard....  it was an awesome moment.  I mean how many people can do that?  Our old house had about a 1/3 of the yard we have here.  And I know there are a lot of other people dealing with a whole lot worse.  

RallyWrench > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 12:06

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You are preaching to the choir, my friend. I’ll just say that daughters do it too. 

Jason Spears > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 12:09

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If you’re able to check out without compromising safety and order, I recommend noise-cancelling headphones. Sony and Bose are very proud of theirs, but they go on sale as refurbs and there are cheaper brands. Seriously , these things are probably saving lives out there right now. I didn’t “ get it” til I was given a pair at a conference and used them on the flight home. For sustained levels of background noise, they’re amazing.

RallyWrench > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 12:10

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I looo ve McPhee’s books. Assembling California is a favorite, part of the Annals of a Former World beast. Geology rocks. 

functionoverfashion > Thisismydisplayname 04/22/2020 at 12:51

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Oh man we could fly a mean kite right now with the breeze we’re having. And we are at the end of a flat dead-end road, ideal for biking for little kids. They’ve been having a blast with that, and lots of other neighborhood kids doing the same (at a distance!) 

functionoverfashion > RallyWrench 04/22/2020 at 12:53

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There was one about the Mississippi and New Orleans... suddenly Katrina’s results were totally unsurprising. 

functionoverfashion > Jason Spears 04/22/2020 at 12:56

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I used mine for the first time in weeks while the kids were having quiet time in their rooms (during which they either move constantly or continue narrating/sound effects most of the time) but I knew they were upstairs and contained, and if they needed me they’d yell. I fell asleep almost instantly, and I was listening to Flux Pavilion, hardly bedtime music. 

functionoverfashion > SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media 04/22/2020 at 12:57

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Grandchildren? Is that the trophy? It sure seems like it - you get to play/hang out with awesome little people but don’t have to deal with the bad parts, 24/7 responsibility, etc. 

functionoverfashion > RallyWrench 04/22/2020 at 14:25

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Oh yes I have no doubt

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > functionoverfashion 04/22/2020 at 18:43

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It might be...I'm not there yet. There is an earlier payoff though when you get those times that you are suddenly proud of your child/children and you have the opportunity to bask in the glory of your role in whatever generated that feeling...