Time To Vent About Family (really long, but RallyVan picture at the end I promise)

"i86hotdogs" (i86hotdogs) 10/19/2020 at 17:40 • Filed to: None

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Hey everyone, I’ve been on a long vacation traveling to a few places and finally have returned to the lovely company of the Oppos. Lot has happened since then. Bear with me, it’s long. But this needs to be vented. I promise I’ll post rallycross photos later this week.

To bring you all up to speed, I last posted that I entered to fight in Rough N Rowdy. Once I hit submit, I hopped on to a plane to Dallas to visit a friend and attend a wedding (which was cancelled due to hurricane). The very next day, I got a call from the promoter saying I was in. They loved my video, loved the energy, and thought I was a perfect fit for this type of event.

Without me even saying a thing, word spread like wildfire. Calls and texts from friends saying congratulations and good luck. My boxing gym I work out at called and discussed private boxing class options for the next few weeks. Even two podcasts inquired and wanted me to come on and talk about the fight. Everything was happening fast.

Maybe a little too fast. The parents called. And I received quite the opposite reception from them compared to everyone else. They were furious. They were confused. They were hurt. Their perception of an amateur boxing match is strictly negative. Without going in to too much detail, they assumed I will come out of the fight braindead or worse. Regardless of the safety precautions taken by not only me, but the properly sanctioned event, they assumed I wasn’t coming out of this alive. This isn’t a Fight Club type of fight. I had to get a blood test and a physical done by my doctor, another physical by the event’s doctor before the weigh in, a COVID test, all of this is regulated and sanctioned by the state’s boxing committee. Three one minute rounds that have routinely been called short if any competitor is showing to be defenseless in a match.

I should note, that I have a minor history of concussions from my football career. Nothing severe, like major memory loss or anything permanent. And each occurrence was properly treated my medical staff and doctors; each time receiving clearance to play again. With that, my folks leaned on that as their main reason for their distaste for this.

Do they have a point? Sure. Is there a higher risk of injury doing this compared to not? Sure. Did I consider this when entering? Absolutely. I’m 28 years old, and I like to think I put plenty of research into decisions as big as this. Heck, I spent almost two months shopping for rally lights for the van. There is a safety risk in almost every extracurricular activity out there. Rallycross? I could wreck the vehicle. (they also don’t like me racing either; same idea) Or, another vehicle can lose control on the course. Lifting weights at the gym? Heavy weights everywhere ready to crush every part of your body. Walking around a city on vacation? Someone could be in a bad move and want to swing at me. Tired of me asking rhetorical questions and immediately answering them? Sorry.

But this wasn’t it. This was the tip of the iceberg. Any disagreement I have with my folks about my decisions always leads to the same procedure. After calming my mother down from hysterically crying over the phone, all four of my siblings call. It’s like clockwork. Each one taking their side for the most part. Regardless of the topic of discussion, it leads to a discussion about whether or not I care about my family. According to all of them, deciding to enter this fight shows I do not care about my family and how they feel.

And this escalades to the root of it all: my location. My parents are very family oriented. They love having the family close by to spend time and support each other. In a perfect world, I get it. But I knew since high school I probably won’t be moving back to Chicago any time soon with my choice in careers. And I made that loud and clear whenever we talked about it. I wanted to work in the auto industry, and there is not a lot around Chicago. This grip around the family affected me all the way back to my college search. Between looking for a good engineering program, and being recruited for football, I was getting interest in schools all over the world. I’d talk to my parents about a school in Texas that wants to offer me a scholarship, and the engineering program is great. But immediately gets shut down because it’s too far from Chicago. I ended up at Ferris State University in Michigan. It’s a brief 3.5 hour drive from the folks, but even that was hard to swallow for them.

The next 5 years was spent hearing them ask me to come in on weekends, which was difficult to do juggling a football season (and off season) and a part time job. They’d visit a few times a year, but that wasn’t good enough for them. It was a handful when it came time to find an internship, I would have gone anywhere to get great experience for my degree. Alas, I had to settle on a supervisor internship an hour outside of Chicago. Was it at an automotive company? Sure. Was the convenience of being close to home helpful with living situations? Oh yeah! But it had little to nothing to do with my degree.

Fast forward to my job search. You know my folks wanted me back at that plant in Belvidere. I could live at home until I could afford a place to live. But they weren’t hiring. And other actual engineering positions I applied and interviewed for passed because I had zero experience in that field. I did get one offer, another supervisor position in metro Detroit. I was ecstatic. My first big time job out of college. I called them with the news. Their only response after a few seconds of silence was, “What about Belividere?”

Make no mistake. If there was/is an engineering position in the automotive industry around Chicago, I’d be interested. Throughout the three years living in Detroit, I always checked to no avail. When I was offered the job I currently am at in Cleveland, I received the same let down response as last time. This time, I was thoroughly excited for this position. It’s finally an engineering position that pays so much better than my last job When I told my (at the time) girlfriend about my offer. She screamed with excitement. I bought an engagement ring the very next day. Even her parents (who live in Lansing, Michigan) were more excited for me than my parents are.

Throughout these last 5 years of living in the eastern time zone, I’ve come home on average once per month. Whether it’s for a holiday weekend, or someone’s birthday, whatever. Missus and I will burn vacation days and gallons of gas to come in to town. Coming home has become less welcoming every time. It started with them telling me how much they miss me, but now they ask when (not if) I will ever move home. It’s to a point where I’m being asked to look for a job outside of the industry just to move closer. They are asking me to throw away this job I’ve worked so hard to get just to be geographically closer.

I can count on one finger how many times my family has come visit me in either town. Yes, literally once over 5 years has my family come visit. I live in Cleveland now, and promised my dad to not go to the Rock n Roll hall of fame until we go together. Still haven’t gone. I’ll give them a year break due to the Covid, but still waiting for them to come visit their son they miss so much.

The missus doesn’t want to move either. She is a full time nanny for a family that loves her so much. She is happier than ever with her career. And she made it clear to me that she will not be happy moving to Chicago. Sure, she can find another nanny gig. I mention this because one of my siblings went through something similar. My oldest sister married a civil engineer from rural southern Illinois. He started a job down in southern Indiana making great great money working a coal pit. She was a well overqualified nurse doing well herself. They lived there for ten years and had two kids. But the constant peddling from my parents to move home broke her. She made the family move to Chicago. She found another nurse gig, but he took a massive pay cut working construction. Three years later, they divorced. My parents will never admit it, but I am 100% blaming the relocation for their demise.

So I’ve backed out of the fight, and apologized to the promoter for having to schedule someone else so late. Whatever, I’m over it. But I haven’t been the same since. After returning from vacation, I talked with my parents and siblings on the phone again talking about the same things: location, location, location. They will not budge an inch on their point. They want me “home”. I’m being told I’m “killing your mother” from my dad. Siblings are telling me I need to care more about them. It’s been a dark week, and have fallen in to a depression I never have felt before. I haven’t talked to any of them since last Monday, and no clue when I will talk to them again.

These are the same parents that pushed me to get good grades and go to school to get a good job. Now they want me to throw all that away. I initially didn’t want to go to college. I wanted to go to a technical school and be a mechanic, but they insisted otherwise. Hey mom n dad, guess where I might be living if I became a mechanic?

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 17:49

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First paragraph or so I was like, “Well, I guess maybe they have a point—”

And then the rest of it is like, “Ohhhhh nooooo this is all very, very wrong.”

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!!!

If your family can’t accept that, tough shit. Your wife is family too and she sounds like she actually prioritizes YOUR feelings and interests so I’d lean that direction, my two cents...

Textured Soy Protein > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 17:50

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Hot take: they’re selfish guilt-tripping assholes who are not acting with your best interests in mind.

My family is crazy but thankfully we ’re all like, “whatever, I’ll see ya when I see ya. ” I actually like some/many of them when they’re not bothering me.

My wife on the other hand gets all kinds of grief from her family and yet twists herself into pretzels trying to accommodate their desires to see her, along with her guilt tripping herself into paying attention to them even though she’s not getting much out of the interactions. Family is capital-I important to her in spite of this.

Either you continue to play into/tolerate their shenanigans, or you make it clear to them in no uncertain terms that you are your own person and you’re not going to be guilted into doing things they want that are not the best move for you.

flatisflat > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 17:51

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I say this with all the care and consideration of their feelings as I can in understanding their needs and strong ties for a close-knit family:

fk ‘em.

People can demand a lot of things from others when  based from bad vantage points. Their inability to understand your autonomy as an individual isn’t your fault, and shouldn’t be your problem.

Just Jeepin' > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 17:52

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I’m sorry to hear that.

I think, were I a parent, I’d be overly stressed about the concussions as well. There’s no doubt that boxing is a much greater risk of making that problem worse than, say, just about anything else. And you’re making decisions that could give you serious problems in 20-30 years.

Speaking as a nearly-50-year-old, I hate my younger self and his stupid decisions.

However, the rest is (from just your half of the story) maddening .

One suggestion I have, and it doesn’t sound promising from your tale but I think it’s worth a shot, is to pick the sibling who’s been most supportive in the past and schedule a phone call. Just 1:1, a dedicated time slot, when you can start by getting their full side of the story. Don’t interrupt, don’t interject, don’t argue your case: just try to understand why they think this is so stressful for everyone.

And then you get the same opportunity: share your side in as unemotional a way as you can, not laying blame or passing judgment , just describing your vision of what you want to do and why Chicago isn’t realistic, and how much the family turmoil is costing you.

And then the last part can be an earnest discussion around how to bridge the gap. Ask them how you can make it more appealing for the family to visit you more often. What can you do to show them that you’re being successful, that you’re happy with what you’re doing, that you care about them deeply but this is where you need to be.

The key to all of this is to find some way to be as factual and non-finger-pointing as possible. It seems emotions are running high, and you’ve got to find a way to de-escalate that.

Having said all of the above: I’m an avoidance kinda guy, so this is very much back-seat driving. Your best bet, frankly, is to see a therapist and get some professional advice from someone who actually knows what he/she is talking about.

ClassicDatsunDebate > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 17:56

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Are you looking for advice or just to vent ?

barnie > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 17:58

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Damn, dude. Do what you want. They are as close as a phone or Zoom session. If they want to visit you , get them a reservation. If you ever want to visit them, get a reservation at a decent hotel. Do what you want.

I’m 61 so I can say from experience that you will regret the things you DID NOT do more than the bad things you did. Do what you want.

i86hotdogs > ClassicDatsunDebate 10/19/2020 at 18:01

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yes

i86hotdogs > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:01

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All sincerity, I am always open to advice. It’s how I will continue to learn. But I did need this off my chest for a while now.

Exage03040 @ opposite-lock.com > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:02

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I have the diet version of your situation.

Parents vehemently against motorcycles, they know I took the course but I’ve been riding for over 3 years and 20k mi now and never told them or brought the bike around . I just don’t care to have to explain why because they can ’t understand.

They also want me closer, I’m only an hours drive away but they still want me to move and work closer . You’re 28, and like myself who’s not much older your family is meant to guide you on success and passions, not control you like a helicopter parent.

As an adult: You do you, always .

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:03

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You should show up to their house on a motorcycle and watch their heads explode.

But, on a serious note, you are a financially independent adult . You can do whatever the fuck you like. It’s really selfish and s hitty of them to try to guilt and browbeat you into living your life in a way that suits them.

i86hotdogs > Just Jeepin' 10/19/2020 at 18:06

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I get their concern about the health risks. I never disagreed on that. I do disagree with their worst case scenario outlook on everything. And their “my way or the high way” outlook on anything they disagree on.

Right now, my only brother is the closest I’ll get to a supportive person over there. When we talked, he understood not just mine, but the missus’ feelings about this. His advice wasn’t as supportive though, and I’m summarizing: “ It sucks, but that’ s how our parents are so we just have to deal with it”

Which I think is terrible. I’ve started looking for a therapist this week. Thanks for your input

nermal > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:08

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Seems like there are two parts to tend to . First, if you have a history of concussions, it’s probably not a good idea to intentionally let somebody punch you in the face repeatedly. If it were any other body part, then whatever, go for it.

Second is your parents. You’re presumably an adult. They’re not treating you like one. That’s a major issue. Sounds like you’re married (or significantly attached), in that case she is your #1 priority and mom & dad are #2 and #3 at the highest. If you have kids, the kids also move ahead of mom & dad. They need to understand their place in things, and it’s your job to put them in their place.

Have zero empathy for your parents acting solely in their perceived best interests, at the expense of your’s . If they’ve got a big inheritance waiting for you, decide if it’s worth dealing with them until you can collect. If not, then don’t. 

i86hotdogs > barnie 10/19/2020 at 18:08

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Exactly. I don’t want to look back and see that all I’ve done is play video games and blog about vans my whole life. Fine, I won’t box. But this isn’t the first time they’ve put the kibosh on something I drew interest in.

i86hotdogs > Exage03040 @ opposite-lock.com 10/19/2020 at 18:09

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You can probably guess, but they also hate motorcycles.

E90M3 > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:11

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Their issues with boxing are a lot more valid than them wanting you to live in a specific location. I know my mom wasn’t happy I was so far away from home when I lived in Texas, and was very happy that I made the decision to move closer to home when I got laid off. That was my decision and my decision alone. I’m 2.5 hours away from them now, and that works well with me. I would decide what matters to you most and go with that. Your parents could even move, doesn’t sound like anything is keeping them where they are other than some arbitrary  concept of home.

i86hotdogs > nermal 10/19/2020 at 18:12

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The inheritance comment made me laugh. I’m 99% sure my folks getting  buried in whatever cash they had left over.

As mentioned before, I’m over the fight. There was a risk that I was willing to take; their response and extremely negative outlook on it was more concerning to me.

ClassicDatsunDebate > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:18

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As a parent of a 20-something, I wouldn’t dream of feeling that i had the responsibility to tell her where to live or what sports she could do. As a parent, the best thing I could do was raise a child who was as good of a person I could and who could make their own decisions that were right for them, regardless of what i think.

It sound like your parents did a great job in raising a good person who is capable of making his own decisions. If you are frustrated with their meddling, set boundaries and expectations. D oesn’t mean you don’t love them any less or that it has to be confrontational. You can acknowledge that it may be hard for you not living close or playing sports they don’t approve of but those are your decisions and that’s how it  is.  It’s not up for discussion.

nermal > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:20

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That makes it easy then - they have zero negotiating leverage in the matter. Knock them down a peg and m ake them operate on your terms, or not.

barnie > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:21

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So make it their last. And go box. That is your desire. You’re old enough to understand the risks and implications. Go do it. It’s not a “f uck ‘em” to your people but a realization that your interests are paramount and not subject to their patterns.

krustywantout > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:28

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Just Jeepin’ advice was spot on. I want to add that there is nothing wrong with how you feel. Your family is projecting a way of thinking you don’t share. You are not a bad brother or sibling for feeling the way you do . You are an independent, free thinking person that has all the right to do what he wants. Your parents are the ones that need to see a therapist because what they are doing is not healthy. I’m In my 40s and I can’t tell you how many decisions I regret that were made in the name of making my parents happy. I am now more comfortable with with myself and don’t think about what they want. I focus on the logical decisions that will help my wife and kids and not get bogged down with decisions that have to do with people’s feelings. Stay positive an d you’ll be fine.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:40

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Jeeze , I’m grateful for the latitude my parents gave me, pretty much whatever I wanted to do they supported me 100%.

CB > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:55

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That sucks, bro.

Now that that’s out of the way, have you ever confronted them about them not visiting you? You’re a grown man with your own life and your own choices. They should act like grown ups and support you, since that’s what parents should do . A relationship requires work from everyone involved, I’d say you’ve done more than enough on your end.

Speaking personally, I went to Ottawa for school because it was far enough away but I wasn’t allowed to leave the province. Since I moved out, my mum came to terms with the fact that I wasn’t happy at home and I wasn’t going to be spending any meaningful time in Toronto anymore. I told her I was moving to Saskatchewan after a fight. She’s been mostly supportive of me since.

jeepoftheseus > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:57

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On the concussions front: I’ve had many, am only 30 and have noticed that I have a different definition of “normal” emotions and thought processes over my friends that have never had their bell rung. I very much wish to go the rest of my life without another one. But, for future fights, you do you. We only get one chance on this planet.

On the family front: we only get one chance on this planet. From what it sounds like I married into a very similar version of your family yet none of the children dared to ever move away. It has its pros and cons but defiantly shows to parental entitlement of “we raised you, do it our way”. Do it your way. It’s the only way to break the pattern.

Best of luck to you. 

jminer > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 18:57

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That sucks dude - I feel for you.

It’s not an easy choice but it may be time to step away completely for a time from your family. Mine is different but still toxic like yours, a mother who lays nothing but guilt trips about how we don’t love her because of X, siblings who blame me for not taking care of her more, everyone always asking for money and so on. It got to be too much and we haven’t seen a single person I’m related to in 2 years.

It’s been amazing.

The stress of dealing with them is gone, we’re happier and actually moving to California. This means the odds of seeing any of them in the coming years is even lower.

It was hard and not everyone can do this, but it is what worked for us.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 19:02

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Oh man that sucks. In my opinion it was a mistake to back out of that Rough N Rowdy Fight event you wanted to do... but it’s done... maybe. Maybe you can call them back and rescind the backing out.

It reminds me of my Ex-inlaws. First after getting married, the were hoping we’d move in with them ... LOL...

Then they thought we’d visit them EVERY weekend... LOL... as if we don’t have our own lives.

Then my ex-mother-in-law was trying to see if she could live with us “just for a few days or a few weeks at a time”... and I put my foot down and stuck with my “no living with inlaws” rule.

I think the solution to your problem is you have to take the stance “This is what I’m doing. I’m not asking you, I’m *telling* you so you know what’s going on with me.”

And I know I’m making it sound easy, but I know it won’t be.

As for you “killing your mother”... that’s some really melodramatic bullshit.

But I’m familiar with the mentality... Lemme guess, you’re Italian, right?

Ask me how I guessed.... 

i86hotdogs > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 10/19/2020 at 19:34

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Greek n Italian. So yeah, you got it nailed down

dumpsterfire! > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 20:36

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Sounds extremely stressful on all fronts. I won’t pretend to know your parents and siblings motivation, but it’s not malicious. Nobody is likely thinking “I want to try to wreck everything they’ve worked for and guilt them into moving ‘home’”. It might be more of their own insecurity or an outdated family trait.

When I moved 2000miles away from my much smaller family to chase my own happiness, it only took a couple of years to realize home was where I was, and where I grew up wasn’t really my home anymore.

Good luck. Your personal 2 person team is the number 1 priority, as stated by others. 

shop-teacher > i86hotdogs 10/19/2020 at 22:54

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I will only weigh in on the pressure to move back home. Which, as much as I’d love to see the rally van around here, is frankly rediculous. You and your wife are happy and successful where you are. My personal recommendation, for what ever it’s worth, is you need to start establishing the expectation that you do not intend to move back home, ever.

Your family’s assertion that this means you do not care about them, is completely ludicrous. They’re going to have to accept that it is ok to still love and care about each other from two states away.

From the sound of it, they won’t take this well at all. Over time, if you stay firm and consistent in your assertion that you and your wife are happy where you are, they will hopefully come to accept that reality.

If they don’t, you might need to disconnect from them to preserve your sanity and your marriage. Your wife comes before all. I don’t buy the BS that blood is more important than anything. Hopefully if it comes to that, they may see that not having you at all, is much worse than having you some.

As a father, I cannot imagine laying such bullshit guilt trips on my daughters. If they end up with a good job that they love, in a happy relationship, two states away, I will be fucking delighted for them.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > i86hotdogs 10/20/2020 at 08:09

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Italian AND Greek... oh gawd.... so it’s the Italians I’m familiar with My Big Fat Greek Wedding thrown into the mix.

I feel so sorry for you.

nerd_racing > i86hotdogs 10/20/2020 at 08:21

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You mention “their my way or the highway reaction” but it seems like they aren’t even giving you that option either.  At some point, even family can be toxic to the point that you need to consider distancing yourself, for your own mental health.  It is a very hard decision and shouldn’t be made lightly, but if they give you no other option, you have to find your own happiness in life.  

i86hotdogs > shop-teacher 10/20/2020 at 13:40

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That’s a great point about being two states over. Even if the drive is about 5 hours, we still make time to come in frequently. Imagine if I lived on the west coast, or another country.

I do want to plan a week or two to hit up some Milwaukee area rallycross in the future. I’ll keep you posted on that.