Today's edition of: old man yells at clouds

"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck) 08/19/2019 at 21:55 • Filed to: It's been a while since he's done a rant. Does this mean he's regressing?

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From the “How to steal from a Canadian insurance adjuster claims guy“ FP post:

I f eel okay screen shotting this post, because I’m sure this is a very popular opinion. Perhaps even the majority. And maybe I’m just so out of touch [Skinner.gif] that I can’t appreciate modern conveniences that have been around nearly a decade.

But to me it’s like... Was it *really* an inconvenience when you have to take something out of your pocket, and press a raised button? Or — dare I say — insert a jagged piece of metal into a keyhole in order to facilitate access in a contraption that covers fast distances via the internal combustion engine?

I reads like a 90's Jerry Seinfeld bit.

“And then — you can’t open the door BECAUSEEEE... you have to reach into your pocket... Which one, who knows... Then when finally find it, you THEN have to figure out which button to push... Nnnnn tounlockyourcarrr. What’s up with that?!?!”

Gee it sucks that it’s easier to steal my car, but it’s worth it if I don’t have to buy clothes with pockets!

Thanks for reading 

Nibby > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 21:59

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generally cars with keyless fobs like that... also can detect if the fob is nearby and when you place your hand on the door handle or touch a section of it, it will unlock/lock the car.

Chuckles > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:02

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Keyless ignition was a solution to a problem that didn’t exist.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:07

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I actually asked jalopnik to write the article after my car was stolen

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/19/2019 at 22:10

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I’m glad they credited you for your idea, like they always do.

[Re- skims article]

Nope, facetiousness still warranted.

shop-teacher > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:14

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I prefer my old fashioned key. Now get off my lawn dagumit!

Dash-doorhandle-6 cyl none the richer > Chuckles 08/19/2019 at 22:15

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Keyless ignition sucks.  and the buttons typically run on 4.5 volts.  I need at least 6 to do my thing. 

wafflesnfalafel > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:17

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Agree - n o disrespect to those with a thing for them  - but those are like the automatic sock stretchers of today.

His Stigness > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:21

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As someone with keyless entry and a regular fob I can say my life is not ruined when I drive my MKVI and have to press a button and turn a key.

Saying you need keyless entry is like saying you need automatic headlights. No. You don’t. If you really need it then you really  shouldn’t be driving. 

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > wafflesnfalafel 08/19/2019 at 22:22

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“sock-stretchers”

My GOD. I've been calling those "feet" my entire life!

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:22

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it’s also really easy to steal a car that doesn’t have keyless entry. I used to be able to borrow my mates old corolla with a plastic spoon .

All we know is that thieves are smart and will always find a way to get through security.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard 08/19/2019 at 22:24

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My Integra was stolen with a putty knife (curse you, sexy frameless doors) and a shaved Honda key that probably worked on any of a million Hondas built in the 90s.

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:24

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“ Was it *really* an inconvenience when you have to take something out of your pocket, and press a raised button? Or — dare I say — insert a jagged piece of metal into a keyhole”

100% this. Yes, I am sure keyless is convenient, but I don’t know....to me it just seems like ‘over the top convenience’....have we advanced so far as a race that we are incapable of ‘sitting something down for a second’ if we have our hands full, etc?

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:26

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My datsun has keyed doors and a keyed ignition. Coupled with a manual transmission and manual choke you need to be at least 54 years old to know how to steal and drive it with a popsicle stick.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars 08/19/2019 at 22:27

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That’s like people who install voice activated lights in their kitchen — that also have multiple colors, nevermind settings.

Was flipping a switch too much?

ttyymmnn > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard 08/19/2019 at 22:29

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All we know is that thieves are smart and will always find a way to get through security.

Agreed, but they will also follow the path of least resistance. I have a padlock on my back gate. My neighbor does not. If the crook really wants to get into my backyard, he will. But given the choice, he’ll almost certainly steal from my neighbor.

ttyymmnn > shop-teacher 08/19/2019 at 22:32

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People be complainin’ about having to use a key, and I remember when we had TWO keys.

ttyymmnn > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 08/19/2019 at 22:33

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I will be stealing your car in about 15 months.

shop-teacher > ttyymmnn 08/19/2019 at 22:34

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It was weird having to explain the square and the round key to a teenager several years ago.

Chariotoflove > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:35

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I really enjoy my keyless entry with the credit card sized key in my wallet. Sure I don’t really need it, but I like not having to burrow into my pocket from a seated position when I have stuff on my lap.

#lazydecadentamerican

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > ttyymmnn 08/19/2019 at 22:35

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All you need is a popsicle stick.

fintail > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:39

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I’ll trade the risk for the convenience. I could live without the feature, but the odds of something happening are slim, I park in a garage with 100 other cars, no doubt some easier to steal. I also drive a white station wagon, nobody is lining up to steal it.

In the old car, now and then I even accidentally leave the key in it (as I don’t keep it on a keyring), I suspect the average young bastard couldn’t even start it.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > fintail 08/19/2019 at 22:40

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“a white station wagon”

Talk about burying the lede ... Your chariot is the embodiment of “stealth wealth” and subtlety.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:40

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Meh, it doesn't bother me

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Chariotoflove 08/19/2019 at 22:40

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Fair.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 08/19/2019 at 22:42

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Well here's my attempt at bothering you.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:46

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That makes me angry.  

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > ttyymmnn 08/19/2019 at 22:46

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I used to believe  “if someone is motivated enough, they can break in, so why bother. ” What I’ve quickly learned as an adult is that thieves and vandals almost always go for the path of least resistance/easiest score. People don't want to smash in your window; they'd rather jiggle 20 door handles first.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:46

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As I currently have three keyrings to keep track of (motorcycles, “cars”/house, and work) I appreciate not having to fumble around for it and being able to just walk up to my car and walk in when I’m close enough. I sleep some 40ish feet away from my car so I can’t even unlock it until I leave my house. Honestly, I see no reason to use a key anymore. I’ve seen so many older keys get worn down or bent over time, and there’s the classic “The ignition barrel was so worn down it was started with a screwdriver” that makes me fear more for the Fiero than the FoST. 

Just Jeepin' > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:47

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Speaking as someone who is overly fond of accidentally leaving his keys in the ignition...in a topless/doorless vehicle to boot...

I can see the appeal. 

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 08/19/2019 at 22:48

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HammerheadFistpunch > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:52

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i personally find them more a nuisance than merely just a pointless parade of progress. when i have my keys i KNOW i have my keys, because i can’t drive without them, i can’t get in my car without them. i find that because you don’t interface with the key in keyless systems it gets ignored and misplaced. allot. left in the cup holder, left in the pants i wore yesterday, left in the house (car still unlocks and starts in the garage, as an example)... it’s easy to forget them.

it’s like those password guidelines of using letters as numbers, one upper case letter and one special character - Passw0rd94!. sounds like a good idea... only it makes the password harder to remember and easier to break compared to a random string of words like toothbrushpizzahat. keyless entry won't make sense until you are the key and the security exists to prevent easy duplication of your unique id code.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 22:52

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fintail > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 23:02

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Ha, C&D said pretty much that a couple issues ago. Let’s just say I probably bring down the wealth (and age) stats for the car. Sometimes being under the radar isn’t a bad place to be.  I  bet theft rates are amusingly low.

And what can I say, I can’t afford a castle with a turret, so I blow money on cars ;)

glemon > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 23:05

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I just got back from a trip with a friend who has a new Buick with all the bells and whistles. Driving it was a more than little foreign to me, I daily a 2002 IS300, my wife has a 2007 Fit, not much fancy going on at all by modern standards.

1. Keyless fob thing-meh, no strong feel one way or another, not enough experience to stop reaching for the key in the column when I stop the car. Noticed they were concerned about leaving it in the car and locking themselves out. Who cares? Gadget more than value added.

2. Multiple zone heating/cooling—I know this has been around a while, this a good thing-no fight over too hot too cold.

3. Built in navigation—apparently not as good as phone, the plugged in phone and used Apple Carplay. Verdict—good to have-needs work

4. Adaptive cruise control—good if you are not going to pay attention to driving, not nearly as good as a decent driver paying attention, I wouldn’t use it except out of curiosity.

5. Back up camera—design cars so you can see out the back, don’t have it, don’t miss it.

6. Blind Spot warning—I like this one, I constantly scan mirrors as I drive, but things still sneek in

7. Power tailgate/hatch—meh I can reach up and close as easy as I can find the stupid button.

8. Button and toggle PRNDL—I didn’t like it, maybe I would get used to it, but much prefer an analog stick to control my slushbox.

I am sure there are others I am forgetting.  I am a Luddite, a grumpy old man, but most of the modern tech doesn't do much for me, and some I positively don't like (but I don't even use old fashioned cruise control much unless roads are very clear).

AestheticsInMotion > fintail 08/19/2019 at 23:07

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White station wagon.... Remind me what you picked up for the new daily driver? 

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > ttyymmnn 08/19/2019 at 23:07

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Of course.

but which is the path of least resistance in this example?

A car with keyless entry using a transponder cloner or a car without keyless entry using more traditional techniques?

Pretty sure the safest method is lock the car up in a garage that has better locks than the car.

ttyymmnn > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 23:08

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People on our neighborhood email list keep posting about how their car was broken into. No, it wasn’t. You left if unlocked over night. A few years ago, our car and our neighbor’s car was rifled because we left them unlocked. The neighbor called the sheriff (I wasn’t going to bother), but I still had a chat with the deputy. He said, “Do you check that your front door is locked when you go to bed? Check your cars too.” And to this day, we lock the front door and beep both cars at bedtime. 

ttyymmnn > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard 08/19/2019 at 23:10

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Though it would take a bit of effort to get a signal booster (I guess, I certainly wouldn’t know where to look), the actual stealing part can be done in a matter of seconds. A neighbor posted video of his Audi being stolen by a booster. The whole thing took about five seconds. I would think that is about the least resistant path possible.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > HammerheadFistpunch 08/19/2019 at 23:12

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Out of curiosity - do you need to remove the fob to work the keyless parts of the car? I treat the keyless entry/ignition fob on my ford as something that permanently belongs in my pocket for that reason. I don’t need to take it out too often (I hit the lock button from the inside as I leave the car) and I don’t end up leaving the keyring in cupholders or something like that.

But I keep hearing this exact argument by non-Ford owners so I’m curious if there’s a hitch or something to other maker’s systems where it makes this necessary. Because if so, I agree that’s  probably a more annoying than convenient system so the advantage you are supposed to get you are denied and just get the drawbacks instead. 

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard 08/19/2019 at 23:18

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It is on NON-chipped non-keyless systems. In chipped key systems, the key has to be defeated AND the chip has to be defeated...

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AestheticsInMotion 08/19/2019 at 23:18

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He got a new E wagon, boi

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > ttyymmnn 08/19/2019 at 23:21

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Fun fact, when I import a FIAT 126, they have THREE keys! BEAT THAT! :P
(Ignition, doors, and fuel door)

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > fintail 08/19/2019 at 23:27

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Please. I  bought the proverbial eyesore of the neighborhood. Also: "afford"... One year down, 29 left to not be foreclosed upon!

fintail > AestheticsInMotion 08/19/2019 at 23:27

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This is the new mouth to feed:

Of course, I lease these things. Maybe this will be the one I buy at the end of the term , or the one that gets me to finally buy something and stop being frivolous. 

AestheticsInMotion > fintail 08/19/2019 at 23:30

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Pretty.

You’re taste in Benz’ is fantastic, I hope you keep trying new ones! 

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > ttyymmnn 08/19/2019 at 23:32

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and it takes seconds the old way too if the thief knows what they’re doing .

Cars should have some kind of 2FA. If my phone is impossible for the NSA to get data off then it should be somewhat easy for car manufacturers to input a bio reader into the giant infotainment screens they’re putting in cars these days.  

Though when I think about it there’ll  always be a key for mechanics so the thieves will probably just exploit that.

fintail > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 23:47

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S unset views, Victorian charm, big garage, sounds appalling!

Not on the 99 year plan?

benjrblant > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/19/2019 at 23:48

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M 1997 LX450 has a... (Wait for it) remote fob so you can unlock the doors from... (Wait for it) no more than 10 feet... (Wait for it) WITHOUT PUTTING THE KEY INSIDE THE DOOR!

fintail > AestheticsInMotion 08/19/2019 at 23:49

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Thanks. We will see how finances allow and how free-spending I feel in the future. At the same time, enjoy something today, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. You get a lot out of life, I know you don’t disagree :)

The car looks better in the sun, here is when it met the old dear:

DipodomysDeserti > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/20/2019 at 02:03

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This is why I’ve always owned scary looking dogs and tried to make myself look as deranged as possible to my neighborhood assholes.

I’ve been in my house ten years and have never had anything stolen, including a $1200 transmission which sat under my truck for the better part of a year.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > benjrblant 08/20/2019 at 02:05

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Ah!!!!

TheTurbochargedSquirrel > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/20/2019 at 06:53

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Wait a second, CoFL ended up on the FP?

functionoverfashion > benjrblant 08/20/2019 at 09:09

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I think this was peak remote unlock technology was exactly that - like my E46 bmw had - a physical key that works the same way as keys always have, both in the door and in the ignition switch. BUT, it had a button for remote lock/unlock for as long as it chooses to work. If it stops working, no big deal, just use the key itself. 

LimitedTimeOnly @ opposite-lock.com > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/20/2019 at 10:18

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It seems I’m in the minority here, as I prefer the keyless arrangement over digging in my pocket and sticking the key in the ignition . . . although when I drive a company vehicle with a real key it doesn’t bother me much.

The real height of indulgence is having the “Kessy” system on my GTI where it senses my hand on the door handle and the fob in my pocket and unlocks the door with just grabbing the handle. And when exiting, I just touch the door handle and it locks up.

Have a similar system on my wife’s Mazda3 , but I have to actually PUSH a button on the door handle to unlock it. Soooo much effort.

I am generally pretty skeptical about added complexity for technology products, but this is some nice stuff. Not necessary, but nice.

If I didn’t park in my garage, I would definitely get a Faraday bag for the keys in the house, though.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 08/20/2019 at 11:40

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So I have pretty crap night vision. I’m fine anywhere there are headlights or street lights but in dark unlit lots I struggle.
When I got a remote unlockable key fob on a car for the first time I breathed a sigh of relief, as I was occasionally accidentally keying my cars in the dark before then. I hated that and was very welcoming to the 21st century of car entry.
Since then I’ve moved onto keyless entry where you touch the handle and the door opens automagically for quite some time.

It’s nice, and I like having it, but if it suddenly went away and I had to use my fob, I wouldn’t even complain. Funny thing - I always use my fob to lock as I walk away anyway - it’s just a “double check” sort of thing, takes 10 seconds and I just feel for the fob buttons in my pocket. No mind, no matter.

It’s not an inconvenience at all, although your energy might be more suited for battles in other more critical realms