Hey! You! Yeah, you! Look over my resume (also how tf do you use accented letters with a laptop keyboard)

"AestheticsInMotion" (aestheticsinmotion) 07/09/2019 at 23:35 • Filed to: Also accepting donations, I take credit, Mail me your cards and pin

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I like having money, and buying things. I’m also kind of somewhat slightly maybe-sorta broke-ish. These two things when taken together unfortunately mean that I should probably tone down the laziness and find a job to occupy the next few weeks before I head to Asia on the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

My requirements for employment are both ill-defined and constantly changing, as I defer all major life choices to the experts, namely Mercury’s level of influence on my earthly soul at any given time, and Mr. Fortune Cookie. They’ve both been strangely silent in regards to six-figure entry-level twenty-hour work weeks, so I’m turning to Oppo. bleh.

None of the above is actually relevant to what I need from you so go back to the top and scroll down to the document I’ve stapled to the bottom of the page. Seriously, just skip the fluff. Your job is to look over my pre-hiring entrance paper, tell me how to improve it (I just want a good general purpose copy, I’ll make personalized changes for each application), and end with a deeply personal complement to boost my feelings of grandeur. It is imperative that you follow the format laid out for you exactly * !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! *

Boom. Resume. In the zero seconds spent googling them, I couldn’t figure out keyboard accents so you can either cut me some slack or admire my dope- ass rhyming skills. It’s a win-win for me dog.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

AestheticsInMotion > AestheticsInMotion 07/09/2019 at 23:48

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Update: Everyone who reads this and doesn’t respond is getting a five- pound glitter bomb mailed to their residence.

facw > AestheticsInMotion 07/09/2019 at 23:52

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I’m avoiding working on my own resume, so I won’t mess with yours. But getting accents, here’s three methods (on Windows) :

Hit the Windows key and type charmap. Select the letter you want an hit copy, then paste: Resumé

(Windows 10 only) Hit Windows key + . to bring up the emoji selector, then hit the Omega, and then the Latin Symbols icon at the bottom and select your letter: Resumé

Just search Google and then copy/paste: Resumé

AestheticsInMotion > facw 07/09/2019 at 23:56

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You're a Saint. I'll think of you everytime I open up the Latin Symbols drawer 

RPM esq. > AestheticsInMotion 07/09/2019 at 23:57

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I basically edit persuasive writing for a living, and I hire people, and I’d be happy to line-edit this if you want to give me edit access. If not, no worries. My feedback is : great substance, decent style, too many words, noticeably inconsistent tenses. Nobody reads wall-of-text resumes—go with bullets or much shorter blurbs.

AestheticsInMotion > RPM esq. 07/10/2019 at 00:00

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Sharing a Google doc might not have been ideal, but saving as a word doc or opendoc file resulted in formatting issues. Sigh.

I believe I gave everyone commenting privileges, and gave you additional editing privileges . Any help is appreciated! I tried really hard to stick to one page, but that made things pretty dense... 

Just Jeepin' > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:10

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First one:

“Modern century” => “21st”

“Bringing a pressure” => “Brought a pressure”

“Follow ups” => “follow-ups”

“Google suite” => “G Suite” or “Google’s G Suite” (make sure to capitalize Suite whatever you choose)

“Designing” => “Designed”

“Five year” => “five-year”

“All the above” has an extra space between “all” and “the”

Also probably an extra space in “advertisements, and”.

Drop “methods to” from “increase spending power”.

“Short-lived”

I’d also emphasize that the sale was profitable, assuming it was.

Super Clean

Extra white space in “April 2018”. Also the typeface is different for the dates for each job and education , which is a bad look. Make all of the dates consistent.

Extra white space in “I was”.

I’d go with a more active expression than “I was put in charge”. How about “I proved my value repeatedly, taking larger and larger projects during my tenure to push company growth by designing systems that would significantly (not vastly) increase efficiency.”

Your run-on sentence is way too long. Turn each clause into its own sentence.

The Window Guys

No need to capitalize “Field Techs”. I would emphasize what “responsible for the team of field techs” actually means, and I wouldn’t say “almost like family” but rather “gained the trust and respect of the clients I served”.

“Some High School” sounds like you didn’t graduate, but it shows you did have a Diploma. If the high school was actually named “Some” I would suggest putting a note under there in italics: Yes, the school is actually named “Some”.

I would put the work-related certifications at the top. “Aerial Work Platform Certification” is more impressive (even if less important) than CPR.

If you helped a company set up G Suite, I’d expect that software to show up in your list of “Skilled use”.

“Strong Marketing Skills” should be on one line, not broken across two, and that emphasizes the fact that “Project Management” is not indented but “Strong Marketing Skills” is.

Also, Project Management, Strong Marketing Skills should look like “Volunteer Work” does: blue, sans-serif, all caps, and definitely not underlined.

I would also not underline Habitat for Humanity.

someassemblyrequired > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:11

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Some suggestions - HR drones never learned how to read so bullet points are sometimes better than paragraphs... I’d also expand more on the co you spent 5 years with. Not clear if you are replacing windows or washing them. Plus HR wants to hear more about how you crushed your employees’ spirits and exploited your customers....

I’m kidding with the last point - I would mention that you worked extensively with many high net worth/high profile clients throughout the Seattle area and devloped strong relationships with them. Or something like that.

With companies you sold (or owned partially), use “exit” and describe the sale.

I would say, from experience, it’s hard to get past HR if you’ve owned your own business.  They hate that - you may be better off milking your network and seeing if anyone needs someone than trying to apply off the street.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:12

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Mr. Pen Is

<3

Just Jeepin' > Just Jeepin' 07/10/2019 at 00:13

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I should say different fonts, not different typefaces. All the same typeface (I think) but bold and plain text are randomly distributed.

RPM esq. > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:15

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Suggested edits in the document. I think I kept all the substance, just in concise and consistent bullet-point form. I’m not good at formatting in Google docs because my life is in Word, so hopefully I didn’t fuck it up too bad. My only other suggestion would be to reorder the bullets according to their importance to you, which I obviously couldn’t judge, in the event that an interviewer doesn’t read to the bottom of each list.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:18

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Resume should have a photo of you holding a puppy.

Aremmes > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:19

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For accented characters on a Windows computer with a US keyboard, change your keyboard layout to US-International. This does two things:

* Changes the backquote/tilde and single quote/double quote keys to dead keys. Pressing such a key followed by a letter key will result in an accented character. Pressing it followed by a space, or pressing it twice, results in the character on the key.

* Changes the right Alt key to AltGr. Holding it while pressing another letter results in a different character depending on the key: vowel keys produce those vowels with acute accents, while consonants produce other letters.

https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/help/306560/how-to-use-the-united-states-international-keyboard-layout-in-windows

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:19

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[Ryan reformats entire resume]

[Zoidberg makes penis joke and adds hyphen]

AestheticsInMotion > Just Jeepin' 07/10/2019 at 00:19

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You’re the best. I’ve got work to do.

(and some school was just a nod to privacy, I changed around company names, schools and locations) 

RPM esq. > Just Jeepin' 07/10/2019 at 00:20

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I active-tensed the narratives but you should be in charge of formatting and all the right-column stuff.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:22

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I shit you not, everytime I need an accent letter, I just type “cafe” into word, then delete CAF. I know, retarded, but it just is what I do.

I mean, I knew the shortcut, but forgot it and I need to do it so rarely, cafe is just easier.

AestheticsInMotion > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 07/10/2019 at 00:23

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GLITTER BOMB

I think if we worked together both of our careers would be short-lived.

AestheticsInMotion > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 07/10/2019 at 00:23

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I’m not above using whatever means necessary.

My friend has a puppy. Maybe I'll bring the dog into interviews

AestheticsInMotion > Aremmes 07/10/2019 at 00:24

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That is so helpful

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:26

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I’ve only almost been fired three times at my current gig.

AestheticsInMotion > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 07/10/2019 at 00:27

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Hey, t he best tricks are the ones you remember. No judgment here. 

AestheticsInMotion > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 07/10/2019 at 00:29

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In other words, you've convinced your boss that you're worthy of your job FOUR times. 

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:34

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FYI, fancy = hold ALT+130

é

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > RPM esq. 07/10/2019 at 00:43

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You know it's funny that "nobody reads wall of text resumes" is a thing. Then you see federal government resumes that are required to be 4-5 pages long... 

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 00:44

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RPM esq. > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) 07/10/2019 at 02:43

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True. As far as I can tell it’s because in general the most selective part of the federal hiring process happens at the resume stage. On the other hand, in the private sector,   for people I will work with every day, a resume just shows   sufficient   qualifications to get an interview, and then there are multiple interviews that are the real test . However, for a certain type of role, I hire people using lengthy academic CVs instead because the CV itself is directly r elevant to the role.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > AestheticsInMotion 07/10/2019 at 10:48

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I always include a short summary of the overall experience before the bullet points and keep the bullet points to the minimum number possible.

Also, nobody cares about your high school unless you’re like 18-20 and/or never went to college.

AestheticsInMotion > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 07/10/2019 at 19:17

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Good point on the high-school thing. I never thought of it like that. Removing it will make it much easier t keep things on o ne page!