Why Your Automotive Subculture Sucks: Volvo Owners

"CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever" (carsoffortlangley) 06/19/2019 at 16:02 • Filed to: Best of COFL, Why your car culture sucks

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Do you need a car as unique as you? Something that says “why yes, I have an extensive vinyl collection”? Something that has the same origins as the flimsy furniture in your small apartment and just about the same reliability and build quality? You need a Volvo.

Your subculture: Volvo Owners

Your Background: You’re white. Really white.

You grew up in the suburbs of any North American city, but really like to think of yourself as refined, cultural and European. You were born in the wrong decade on the wrong continent. You yearn for a small village cafe on the Swedish coast, despite the closest place you can get coffee from the house you grew up in is a 7/11.

Now you live in an urban area, but not a trendy one, because you can’t afford it.

You have a film camera, likely more than one. You drink craft beer. You have a background in the arts and listen to obscure bands on vinyl. You also own a bike, which will come in handy as you won’t be driving your Volvo very much.

The Car: Do you want ads that have the soundtrack, visual style and length of a feature film at a foreign film festival? Well, you’re in luck! That’s all of Volvo’s ads. Snap your fingers in appreciation at the arty, moody, depressing locale, music and actors. Is this a car ad? Who knows!

Pay more than you should for a used high mile car that looks like it was designed with Duplo. Or, buy new (if you can find a Volvo dealer) and pay Mercedes Benz pricing for something as reliable as a Mopar product and looks like it was styled by an alien.

When you do break down, at least !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and you will get to visit your local “Volvo Specialist” which is the only person with the obscure knowledge and enough direct contacts in Sweden to help you. Basically the automotive equivalent of a witch doctor or shaman.

What’s new that sucks: Part of your purchase helps fund the takeover of every single industry by Chinese state backed multi-national corporations! Bow down to your masters you disgusting western scum.

What has always sucked: Deep down you know, Volvos are for old people and always have been.

HEAR IT FROM VOLVO OWNERS!

“Why won’t my car start?”

Futureheapowner

“Hello? Yes, I am going to need a tow truck....make that two tow trucks”

Aestheticsinmotion

“Have you seen my vinyl collection?”

GMcTavish

“Want an IPA?”

GogglesPizzano

AestheticsInMotion > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:06

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Big oof

This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:10

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I always say “Nice Vulva” when I see one, because I’m basically 12.

Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:10

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Shoulda bought a minivan........

CB > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:13

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Harsh realities.

DasWauto > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:16

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Hah, I’m actually considering a (used) Volvo to replace my WRX.  I’m fairly white, actually European, live rurally in the similar climate to Sweden, no film camera but several lenses originally made for them, enjoy craft beer, don’t own any vinyl and have multiple bikes. I guess I meet enough of the qualifications - off to browse the classifieds for a low mileage V60 CC. 

promoted by the color red > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:16

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Yo u didn’t mention the oil leaks standard on any old Volvo, how the old brick owners mask their jealousy of the F ord-era cars with false superiority, and how the glorious redblock motor runs & sounds like shit .

Ash78, voting early and often > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:21

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“Isn’t there some way to get something crappier than an old VW, but priced like a new Audi, and not owned by Nazis?”

—the inner monologue of every Volvo purchase for the past 30 years

Tripper > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:23

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M U R D E R E D

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:24

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Still...gib

RPM esq. > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:25

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Goddamn this is good.

Also, after the shots I fired yesterday, this was a bit like expecting a punch in the face but getting a knee in the nuts instead , as I am t he person responsible for maintaining the  family Volvo that Mrs. RPM owns while RPM Jr. mostly drives ( sometimes into things ).

WilliamsSW > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:26

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I can almost hear For Sweden warming up his  banhammer...

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > RPM esq. 06/19/2019 at 16:26

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wait, you have a kid?

Phyrxes once again has a wagon! > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:34

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But...But...But.... Wagon >>>> C rossover without even considering seat comfort.

facw > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:36

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Let’s see:

Your white [my white what?]   . Really white.

You grew up in the suburbs of any North American city

, but really like to think of yourself as refined , cultural and European .

You were born in the wrong decade on the wrong continent. You yearn for a small village cafe on the Swedish coast, despite the closest place you can get coffee from the house you grew up in is a 7/11.

Now you live in an urban area , but not a trendy one , because you can’t afford it .

You have a film camera , likely more than one . You drink craft beer . You have a background in the arts and listen to obscure bands on vinyl . You also own a bike , which will come in handy as you won’t be driving your Volvo very much . 

HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute > WilliamsSW 06/19/2019 at 16:38

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Banhammer is outdated, they now assume the form of Bhanos and with a snap they send the offenders to gulag

WilliamsSW > HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute 06/19/2019 at 16:39

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RIP COFL

JustAnotherG6 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:40

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I have a vinyl collection, a bike, and I drink craft beer BUT since the ‘city’ I grew up in just annexes the surrounding communities I didn’t grow up in the ‘burbs. Is a second ring suburb considered urban these days?

Wait, where was I going with this?
Oh, yeah... where is my Volvo damnit!

facw > This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: 06/19/2019 at 16:41

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If it’s good enough for Randall Munroe, it’s good enough for anyone:

https://xkcd.com/671/  

Sovande > DasWauto 06/19/2019 at 16:44

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Get one. I have a 2015 V60 and it’s a great car.

But I’m a white guy living in the suburbs and drove my first Volvo (I’ve had 7) in 1989.

Future Heap Owner > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 16:49

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Yeeowch. Nailed it

facw > promoted by the color red 06/19/2019 at 17:25

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My Ford- era Volvo doesn’t leak oil. It does sometimes lose it, but I assume it must be getting burnt since I don’t see it on the ground. It has in the past also lost a disturbing amount of coolant (apparently from a crack in the plastic radiator tank), but has nevertheless remained suspiciously full of coolant since I moved away from Texas, so who knows about that.

facw > JustAnotherG6 06/19/2019 at 17:26

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You should get one! Want to buy my ticking time bomb? It doesn’t need a new transmission yet !

gmctavish needs more space > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 18:13

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Hey now, this is clearly inaccurate

.....I don’t have a bike

promoted by the color red > facw 06/19/2019 at 19:29

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Who cares if your Volvo doesn’t leak oil -  some Swedish guys in a factory painted my engine block red before putting it into my car, which makes it better. 

facw > promoted by the color red 06/19/2019 at 19:42

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See my car was built by some Belgian guy, with no paint on the engine, just a boring black plastic cover.

Amoore100 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 20:40

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No words other than brilliant and right on the damn point .

zipfuel > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 21:00

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Also the insufferable sailing set love Volvos: apparently that ocean race sponsorship shit they did worked wonders on amphibious yuppies...

functionoverfashion > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 21:22

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Wait I just started driving a Volvo now that I sold my BMW. But I’m also driving my truck almost every day over the summer. I’m so confused. 

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > functionoverfashion 06/19/2019 at 21:23

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How many bikes/records?

functionoverfashion > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 21:29

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Records, zero.

Bikes, uhh if you count all of them... 3? But I’m looking for another one. No joke, tomorrow I’m dropping my Volvo off at the glass shop and riding my bike to work - it’s about 1500 feet away but it’s fun. So yeah anyway.......

I don’t live in a suburb though! Never have! So there! 

MiniGTI - now with XJ6 > DasWauto 06/19/2019 at 22:39

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Checks out— white, large vinyl collection, live in suburbs but not too fancy, own film camera. 41 (is that old?) with 2-year old son.

Signed the papers for my 2016 V60 today, picking it up Saturday. Replacing my GTI.

MiniGTI - now with XJ6 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 22:40

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Geez, bought my first Volvo TODAY.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > MiniGTI - now with XJ6 06/19/2019 at 22:54

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What type?

MiniGTI - now with XJ6 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 23:14

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2016 V60 CC. They actually had quite a few 16s . In the end it was between a grey one and a white one with slightly higher miles (40k)  but gorgeous brown leather. Mileage be damned, that brown leather is the SEX. Pretty happy with the price so I bought the warranty to 100k.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > MiniGTI - now with XJ6 06/19/2019 at 23:28

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Nice! Truth be told. A Volvo is my pinnacle car

coqui70 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/19/2019 at 23:59

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My only gripe with Volvo - electronic oil dip stick on the 2.0L turbo. Apart from that no complaints after 4 years - just avoid dealer service the prices are horrendous.

Oh and changing out the cabin air filter is an excru ciating pain in the ass. Top tip - it’s going to be way in the back of the lower center dash on your S60/V60, you have to remove the fuse box. To do so either have the ability to extend your fingers or grope around the top of the fuse box for a tab to press. Knuckles will bleed.

Ignore the videos that say just to pull on the fuse box. And LOL - the door for the cabin air filter says “FOMOCO” on it - there’s still a bit of Ford in there!

Sovande > MiniGTI - now with XJ6 06/20/2019 at 06:32

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Pics of the V60!! 

Sovande > MiniGTI - now with XJ6 06/20/2019 at 06:34

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Did you get the beechwood interior? I did and it’s amazing.

MiniGTI - now with XJ6 > Sovande 06/20/2019 at 07:43

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I’m not sure what it’s called but it looks like this:

MiniGTI - now with XJ6 > Sovande 06/20/2019 at 07:55

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I only snapped this one quick as we were leaving. It had just come in and hadn’t been cleaned or inspected yet. We take delivery Saturday.

Funny thing is my sister has a white O utback, so my wife and sister can be white wagon moms. My wife kept saying “it’s not too soccer mom is it?” “Less than that,” I said, pointing at any number of CUV and SUV going by.

Sovande > MiniGTI - now with XJ6 06/20/2019 at 08:22

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Nice!  Those look like sport seats which I think are much more comfortable than then stock seats.

Sovande > MiniGTI - now with XJ6 06/20/2019 at 08:31

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Looks awesome! I sold my C30 when I bought the V60 and I was a bit di sappointed at first. The C30 was kind of over-tuned, had an aggressive suspension and a loud exhaust which made beautiful noises. It was like driving a 315hp go kart. The V60 is far more civilized, exceedingly comfy and gets 37 mpgs on longer trips. Enjoy!

JustAnotherG6 > facw 06/20/2019 at 10:12

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You should be able to find a junkyard LS/transmission combo for about the same price as a new transmission...

Jgonzo432 > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 06/20/2019 at 10:32

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White - Check
Suburbs - Check
Urban - Nope
Wrong Decade/Continent - Check
Coffee Shop - Dunkin but yearn for Italian Coast cafe so - Check
Film Camera - Nope
Vinyls - Nope
Craft Beer - Check
Background in the Arts - Nope
Bikes - 2 - Check

I guess I’m 60% Volvo

MiniGTI - now with XJ6 > DasWauto 06/23/2019 at 20:45

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Also, checks out even more . There was a last minute delay when we went to pick it up. I found the used record store ACROSS THE STREET (called “Scratch”) and bought a few things before we retired to the local coffee emporium.