Wagons are Bad: a Hot Take

"I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker" (qaaaaa) 06/11/2019 at 23:41 • Filed to: None

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Yes, you read that right. I don’t like wagons. I think they’re dumb. I’ll be turning in my Jalop card, don’t worry. But first, let me explain to you why I think they are bad.

In short... it’s because they’re a compromise. A bit longer. They’re a compromise, and not a very good one. A little more- they’re a compromise and there exists a body style that does everything a wagon does, but better.

I’ll handle each bit of my argument on its own. First, they are a compromise. This is probably the easiest part to argue. Obviously a wagon is a compromise between practicality and car-like sensibilities. Prominent wagon manufacturers (Volvo, BMW, Volkswagen across its marques, and everybody’s darling, Subaru) would have you believe that a wagon give you the shithauling capabilities of a panel van, the drivability of a sedan, and a touch of class that comes along with what many argue is a stylish body style. however, in most objective categories, wagons are actually inferior. Take, for instance, one of the most popular, or at least most advocated-for (among the enthusiast crowd, at least) wagons, the Volvo V90.

Disgusting.

The objective criteria I’ll use to compare these are the ones I find most relevant in comparing vehicles across classes. I will be comparing similarly equipped vehicles in terms of 0-60 times, reported fuel economy, power to weight ratios (because comparing raw horsepower/torque numbers is passé), MSRP, usable cargo space, and rear legroom. I will be comparing wagons, where applicable, to their sedan and (gags) crossover variants. So, hey, here’s a chart I whipped up in Excel for the Swedes! For these cars, I took the top trim, T6 Inscription, because what kind of plebian buys a base model Volvo?

So yes. The raw numbers. All were pulled from Car & Driver reviews and Features and Specs pages, because I favor being a little lazy with my research. Double check me if you want to. Geez. In comparison of the V90 wagon with its sedan, stilted, and chonky bespoke full-tilt Beef Machine crossover brethren, a few truths come out. First, speed. Flat out, the wagon is as fast as sedan, and ties it for both speed and fuel economy. Not bad, not bad. However, the V90 (at the same trim level as the others, mind you) is the second most expensive, only bested by the Bane of Suburbia XC90. (Sidebar, a former part-time friend who moonlighted as an adversary drove the V8 version of the XC90 while an undergrad with me. He had the gall to claim not to be a “sheltered daddy-money motherfucker”. He was wrong.) In the power to weight class, the V90 comes out a bit more lithe than the others, each horse with a little less than a pound of burden borne in the pursuit of speed. Next up, cargo space. I could not find good data across the lineup describing the usability of the cargo space in all, so I opted for raw numbers- once again, the XC90 wipes the floor with its cohort, owing to its third row (note that even with the third row seats up, the XC90 beats the S90 in cargo capability). The crossover V90 Cross Country has identical numbers to the V90 Track and Field, because duh. Finally, we see that the V90 and its ugly twin... hey wait, they have the worst rear legroom of the bunch? What? How? Because, dear reader, wagons are actually bad.

Now, let’s look at a different brand. A more... Teutonic one. Ah yes, my perennial favorite, Volkswagen. I used to know a guy who had three Mk5 GTIs in his backyard, all running and driving with salvage titles, all needing front bumper covers. He also had a Mk3 Jetta GLX in his garage that he used to road race. That’s who I bought my Golf from. Anyways, here, let’s compare the front-driving Golfoids. Recently it was argued by another Oppo that Jettas and Golfs are the same car. I’m pretty sure they’re not, but fuck it, they are for the sake of this article.

Rust in hell

We will again compare the wagon (Golf SportWagen) with its sedan brethren, the Jetta. We also have another five door to consider, the standard Golf. I don’t want to compare either with the GTI, since, and bare with me and don’t question me here, GTIs also suck (I’ll talk about this another time). The GTI is nearly a sports car, so it’s not really relevant, because in the name of Speed and Handling, sacrifices are made which make comparisons to “normal” commuters void.

For funsies, this time we’ll look at the base (AKA best) model, with 1.4 liter turbos and an automatic. Because VWs are the people’s car, or something.

So. The compromise of the Golf Wagen. Once again, speed: non-GTI Golfs and Jettas best the SportWagen by 0.2 seonds, all while equipped with the 1.4 turbo. The Tiguan is not a player in this measurement, because the “worst” engine it can be bought with stateside is the 2.0t. I also note that some will say the Tiguan is not the crossover version; to these people I say “tough shit. It looks like a Golf, so it is to me.” In fuel economy, the Jetta reigns supreme. Price? Jetta again. Power to weight? Again, Jetta! Among the non-crossover group, the SportWagen finally wins out on cargo space, with the Jetta in dead last. With rear bench down, in fact, it beats the Tiguan with both benches down. However, in comparison of legroom... the Jetta wins over everyone!

So far, I’ve demonstrated that wagons are not superior, as many enthusiasts will claim. It’s really a crapshoot if a wagon will win in a certain arena. So, I think it is a fair conclusion to say that they are a compromise.

“But what does the job better, as you originally claimed?” you ask.

You’re not gonna like this. I’m gonna echo the cry of many autojournalists and say... a goddamned minivan.

“But performance?”

Ho ho ho! Find me a performance wagon that’s affordable!

“Easy, a used CTS-V wagon.”

Sure. You can totally buy one of those seven years old for like $37k with like 90k miles on it and no warranty left.

Or....

Pictured: a good decision

You could drop the same money on an R 63. Don’t laugh. For mid-30k, you get:

6.2L making 503 naturally aspirated brake horsepower, none of that “forced induction”

AWD- good for the winter, unlike your feeble RWD

A real interior

Better cargo space

Better rear legroom

A respectable badge

Plus, it’d be funny. In conclusion, I have wasted a few minutes of your life and maybe two hours of my own. Debate me, you coward.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/11/2019 at 23:46

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I feel attacked

AestheticsInMotion > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/11/2019 at 23:49

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Counterpoint: wagons look better than their sedan counterparts the vast majority of the time, and better than their lifted, bloated brethren... All the time. 

For Sweden > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/11/2019 at 23:52

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First, this is bait

Second, a wagon is a compromise in the same way that buying a larger garage is a compromise

gmctavish needs more space > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/11/2019 at 23:55

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Incorrect.

A wagon is so you have more cargo room than a sedan, while having essentially the same performance/handling/center of gravity/etc of the sedan. An SUV or a minivan have more room than both, because they sacrifice some of those things for the sake of space.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/11/2019 at 23:56

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Differences between a CTS-V and an R63: a CTS-V you can drive more than twice without having a 5 figure repair bill.

I still don’t see what your point is. Some wagons are fractionally more expensive or slower than their sedan counterparts, but carry more cargo. SUVs are quite a bit more expensive, quite a bit slower, get worse fuel economy, and carry even more cargo.

You’re entitled to your opinion, but you seem like you’ve gone to a lot of work to back up your argument with numbers which don’t really back your argument up all that convincingly.

Unless this was written as satire, in which case I’m tired and you got me.

atfsgeoff > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/11/2019 at 23:59

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A wagon is only a compromise if it’s actually replacing multiple specialized vehicles.

WilliamsSW > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 00:00

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E63 wagon > R63

/ thread

Alfalfa > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 00:01

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I mean, I could write a bad take too if I picked my way through very specific examples to support it.

Future Heap Owner > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 00:02

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Sure, they’re a compromise. But nearly every car is a compromise. Sedans compromise performance for more passenger space (relative to a 2-door vehicle). It’s all about finding the trade offs that best suit your purposes.

Personally, I’ll gladly give up a few hundred milliseconds in 0-60 times for better aesthetics and way more cargo space and flexibility, while keeping basically the same handling characteristics . My back row is occupied 90% of the time by someone who needs no legroom (i.e. a dog), so I don’t care much about that.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Alfalfa 06/12/2019 at 00:06

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“Most people use figures and statistics like a drunkard uses a lamppost: for support, not illumination.”

Spanfeller is a twat > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 00:09

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I believe that in the US, Volvo only sells the LWB S90, same is true of VW and the Tiguan. I don’t know how that changes your stats though.

My conclusion from your numbers, nonetheless, is that the performance penalty is minimal compared to the gains in cargo capacity and versatility, so if someone needed to haul more shit without buying an SUV or a truck, it would be better for them to buy a wagon.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 00:34

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Nothing > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 00:40

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Rather than discounting everything, the S90 and V90, according to the Volvo website, have the same rear legroom of 911mm, so C&D is wrong on their dimensions. 

MrDakka > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 00:48

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FINALLY! Someone else who dislikes wagons. They were a bad idea when they were pulled by oxen and they're a bad idea now. If Oregon Trail taught me anything, it's that wagons cause dysentery, typhoid fever and bloody diarrhea. Oh and they fall apart when wet.

Don’t listen to these soulless minions of the wagon orthodoxy. They’ve been brainwashed into drinking the Kool Aid and can’t help but spew nonsense.

Nick Has an Exocet > gmctavish needs more space 06/12/2019 at 01:21

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This. It’s a way of getting CUV-like cargo without having to raise the center of gravity and fundamentally change the handling characteristics . I’m not a huge fan of wagons, but if you need to carry around dogs, surf boards, instruments, snowboards, skis, 2 by 4's, or other odd-shaped items - they work incredibly well.

Enthusiasts hold them as the holy grail to try and prove to the regular person (who is entirely deaf to this argument) that you don’t need to buy a CUV to carry stuff around. 

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 01:21

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Everyone else feels attacked. I feel justified. I love wagons. But I've decided to keep my R instead of move on to a wagon. Reason being, not even 6' tall people complain about the third row and it has mild off-road capability.

Distraxi's idea of perfection is a Jagroen > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 01:21

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All of your arguments are invalid beca u se BTCC Volvo.

Apart from that, all your arguments are correct.

PS9 > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 01:47

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Bylan - Hoarder of LS400's > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 01:56

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We are not rational people. Even if a wagon variant is slower or heavier, we irrationally love them. Numbers can't convince the heart. Also that V90 is gorgeous u crazy 

Svend > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 03:42

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Okay. I’ve a FWD Skoda Superb Mk3 estate, 1.5 TSi ACT SE L Executive , 1 48bhp, manual. List price £28,160, paid £24,000+.

Luggage capacity, 660litres, 35 more than the liftback of 625 litres.

It’s 51mpgUK.

Legroom in the rear is unreal, the lounge mats take the pressure off the legs when further outstretched. 

I’ve not compromised on anything with Sandy over Piglet, I get 700+ miles from a full tank of fuel, I get refinement of a much more expensive vehicle, the the comfort of a much more luxury vehicle, I get a VW Passat estate sized car for VW Golf estate money that’s more practical.

I’m not compromising on anything. I’m winning.

HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 05:45

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Lol k

Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness > gmctavish needs more space 06/12/2019 at 07:30

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A wagon has more cargo room “in theory”. In order to safely use this cargo room, one must secure their load, which no one actually does, so consider the top of the rear seat your maximum cargo area.

I like wagons, but the whole “cargo” argument is getting a little old IMO, given NO ONE actually straps cargo, so therefore a wagon’s cargo space doesn’t actually exist.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > Nothing 06/12/2019 at 07:51

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Pfffft, sure, in Europe maybe. But in Ameri ca, we have long wheelbases and FREEDOM (tm)

duurtlang > Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness 06/12/2019 at 08:38

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It truly depends on h ow you use it obviously, but in reality the cargo space of a wagon will  be larger and easier to use than that in a comparable sedan. If you have dogs it’s an utter no-brainer.

kanadanmajava1 > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 08:46

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I’m 190 cm tall. There are many modern cars that I have headroom issues with . For example the Renault Talisma n sedan is too tight for me. I cannot sit there and keep my head straight. But the wagon is OK for the headroom. And there are others too. So if you want the version with headroom for tall people the wagon might be the only option.

Sovande > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 08:56

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You can’t fold the rear seat down and make sweet love to your special lady mate in most sedans. You can do that in ALL wagons though.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > Sovande 06/12/2019 at 08:58

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Well duh, you do that in the FRONT  seat of a sedan.

Ama teu r.

Sovande > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 09:06

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Not when you’re a full sized man.

You lilliputian sedanophile.

G_Body_Man: Sponsored by the number 3 > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 09:10

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Let’s take some time to talk about some different numbers. According to Car & Driver, a Volvo XC90 T6 AWD can manage 0.84g of roadholding. Decent, but absolutely trounced by the Volvo V90 T6, which can manage 0.92g of roadholding. Over on the VW side, the Golf Alltrack is capable of 0.86g of roadholding while the Tiguan can only manage 0.78g. Now you may be wondering why this matters, and the answer is quite simple. Roadholding is really a measure of balance where steering feedback, suspension tuning, centre of gravity and tire technology all come together to deliver both grip and the confidence to use that grip. While it’s not a means to an end, it’s still a great indicator of how enjoyable a car is to drive. Bottom line, if you just want practicality and don’t care much about the driving experience, get a crossover. If you’re one of us and actually love driving but still need more practicality than a sedan can muster , get a wagon because they rule . Not to mention that they’re often quicker and consume less fuel than their crossover equivalents because they’re often  lighter .

BeaterGT > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 09:40

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“ Easy, a used CTS-V wagon.”

Easy, he says.  Affordable, he says.

B_dol > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 09:43

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Must restate “ I have demonstrated wagons are inferior” to bolster narrowly based argument.

Certainly not the best option for any one task, but as you get older they start to look damn appealing. 

Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness > duurtlang 06/12/2019 at 10:02

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If I had a dog that rode with me often, I would get one of these:

I’d rather my dog ride safely in a secured kennel than flying around my passenger compartment in the event of a crash.

I will agree it is easier to “use” the cargo space of a wagon, thanks to the hatch.

Future next gen S2000 owner > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 10:30

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So what you are saying is wagons are dumb and people should be a minivan?

Your argument is based on wagons vs sedans and showed that wagons and sedans run neck and neck. Leaving out comparisons with CUV’s or any minivans.

Sigh. 

gmctavish needs more space > Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness 06/12/2019 at 10:47

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You can still have stuff above the top of the rear seats, as long as the bottom of the item is below the top of the seat. The real big advantage is when you fold the rear seats down, and then instead of just carrying more than a sedan can, you can carry much longer and taller  things than a sedan can. I know sedans sometimes have folding seats too, but you can’t carry a couch in a sedan. 

BlueMazda2 - Blesses the rains down in Africa, Purveyor of BMW Individual Arctic Metallic, Merci Twingo > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 11:02

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This isn’t a normal hot take.

This is a post-explosion RMBK reactor graphite hot  take.

functionoverfashion > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 11:15

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W hen we had an X3 and a 3-series wagon at the same time, there was absolutely nothing the X3 did better than the wagon. You had a little more elbow room up front but not in any way that mattered. And the rear cargo area was taller, which is useless unless you’re hauling a load of pillows. For that, you had a harsher ride and worse mileage. 

just-a-scratch > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 11:35

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There’s no way the Jetta is beating the 324 mpg combined of the Golf (non-GTi).  ;)

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Sovande 06/12/2019 at 12:27

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“Liliputian sedanophile” should really get more airtime 

Sovande > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 06/12/2019 at 12:28

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Boning in the front seat should be left to the dimi nu tive and the young. I’m neither.

ZHP Sparky, the 5th > PS9 06/12/2019 at 12:51

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I’ll add to this with the following response to the OP :

Incorrect, TL;DR.

Tapas > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 12:59

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And the Manual  gear stick doubles as a dildo, amirite?!?!?!

Saracen > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 13:09

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Not just a bad take, but a garbage take.

Wagons are the best.

Also, good luck finding an R63 AMG for sale.  

UserNotFound > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 13:28

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Incorrect.

Textured Soy Protein > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 13:42

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While the Golf SW and Jetta share the MQB platform, the Golf in general gets worse mileage than the Jetta, with the same 1.4T motor.

Why that is, who knows? But the SW is only a small mileage penalty vs the regular Golf.

M.T. Blake > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 14:01

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Wagons > Compact SUVs

CobraJoe > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 14:05

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This isn’t a hot take, it’s a bad take.

Everything that a wagon is bad at, the crossover is worse. E verything that a wagon is bad at, the sedan is worse.

Yes, a wagon is a compromise, but it’s a great compromise. It can haul 95% of what a crossover could haul, but it’s 95% as fast and efficient as a sedan.

Next time, just say you don’t like wagons.  You still lose your jalop card, but you won’t be objectively wrong.  

Chariotoflove > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 14:19

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Minivan owner here. Minivans are superior for hauling people and household stuff (some classes of stuff are better done with a truck, of course). Minivans are also a compromise, but a good one for most families.

Wagons have the advantage of driving and parking like cars. A new Volvo V60 is going to drive better than my Sedona, as much as I like my Trixie. But they still can carry loads of stuff and people.

Wagons are also a compromise, but they’re one that works for a lot of people.

chaozbandit > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 14:19

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So how then would you rate the Outback, which is and always has been a lifted Legacy wagon.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness 06/12/2019 at 15:15

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This is assuming that all people are stacking a bunch of small objects that could easily spill over onto the back seat passengers. If you’re hauling one big object, or one *really* big object with the seats folded down, it’s no issue.

For example I can put my bike, fully assembled, into the back of our X-Type wagon. This would not be possible with the sedan.

We aren’t just talking about carrying giant stacks of books here. We’re talking about large, oddly-shaped items, and those fit more easily into the back of a wagon. Also, virtually no sedan had a trunk as high as the rear seatbacks.

Saracen > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 06/12/2019 at 15:37

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It’s satire and confirmation bias rolled together.

My bird IS the word > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 18:12

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I paid 20k new for my FOST and its the best car ive ever driven. With boring cars you might be right but hot hatchbacks are best DD

WalterFromAccounting > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 06/12/2019 at 19:48

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Nice hot take. To each his own. I continually drive wagons because I find them unique and beautiful. The cargo space is icing on the cake and honestly most, including myself, don’t use it that often. But when you do it’s a god send and amazes non wagon people with its utility. Combined with a good roof rack it’s quite a hauler. Plus I love that I can actually reach it without a stool or finding some sort of purchase with my feet. Quality “my opinion is better than yours” though. Enjoy your sedan and good luck at Home Depot and Costco.