Parenting and social media

"Chariotoflove" (chariotoflove) 02/05/2019 at 15:50 • Filed to: parenting is hard

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Instagram, P interest, Tiktok, Youtube, there are so many social media platforms that our kids want to be on these days.  for those of you who have kids old enough to engage, what do you allow them to do?  How do monitor and protect them?

CalzoneGolem > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 15:58

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We don’t monitor our 15 year old at all. We made sure she knows whatever y ou put up is up forever and we trust her to not be an idiot. Kinda like we trust her to do with real life.

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 15:58

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Thankfully my kid is 10. And has no interest int this stuff and no platform to engage in it on his own.

I think when the time does come it will initially be mandatory that he let us check in on what he’s doing periodically. Maybe even to the point of having his password.

That sounds extreme but social media can be dangerous. I know I didn’t even had a FB until I was like 19. And I wouldn’t have a problem with my kid waiting that long either. If he gets a car before an Instagram account I’d be happy lol 

deekster_caddy > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 15:59

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you must have a mature 15 year old. Our 14 yo doesn’t get it yet.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:01

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Educate, but do not invade privacy. Make the ramifications of things very clear, as well as the legality of things. Keep an open dialogue.

CalzoneGolem > deekster_caddy 02/05/2019 at 16:01

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She i s really socially mature for most teenagers and many adults I have met. 

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:02

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Tiktok.

And that day, CarsOfFortLangley felt 20 years older

deekster_caddy > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:03

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My wife opened an instagram account and lets my 14yo use it. We monitor what’s going on. Last year when she was 13 she got in a big broohaha with somebody online and we cleared up the misunderstandings and took the account away for a while...

I also have a 9yo. For both kids we use iOS, parental controls now called ‘screen time’. You can get really detailed with permissions and time limits, and it’s easy to monitor. The younger one doesn’t get a web browser on her phone at all, that cuts down dramatically on how much trouble she can get into. The older one has fewer limits and we ease up on them as she shows maturity (meaning we never ease up on them).

Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:03

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When my kids are old enough to get a job and pay for their own cell phone, they can have one. Otherwise they can take my flip phone if they go with friends in case they need to get a hold of us.

I see no need for kids to start staring into screens any sooner than that.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:06

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mines 16.... i just horribly violate her privacy by knowing the pincode to her i pad and occasionally browsing through what shes been up to

wich gives me an idea of what shes upto ... mostly i just tell her that whatever she does... dont send nudes

other than a period a couple years  back when she had a girlfriend that was a bunnyboiler and started browsing all sortsa grimdark shit and cutting herself.. shes been pretty well behaved (that i know off.... generally seems a lot happier again so thats good enough for me)

HammerheadFistpunch > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:07

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My kids aren’t old enough but my niece had a bad run in that made me very wary of allowing them to when they are. She had some kind of “ how to suicide” post with video show up in her feed and it messed. her. up. She wouldn’t be home without a parent for a year and she nev er babysat again.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness 02/05/2019 at 16:07

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You're a good parent.  

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 02/05/2019 at 16:08

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It the first social media thing where I said “ nah I’m too old for this crap.”

With Snapchat it was “I’m too married for this crap” lol

deekster_caddy > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To 02/05/2019 at 16:09

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this is where things get muddy. I don’t think kids understand the potential ramifications of giving away account information - something we educated about but did not stress enough. Kids are kids, they forget stuff. There are a lot of ‘rules’ to this. So we use parental controls and time limits, and monitor what’s going on. There are too many crazy people to guarantee total privacy - and I’ve made it very clear that I’m letting my kid use my phone until she is old enough and making enough money to pay for her own phone, and I reserve the right to take it back at any time. I understand where you are coming from, but my kids don’t get it.

TheRevanchist > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:11

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We don’t let them have cell phones. Our daughter (11) uses my wife’s, so we know what conversations are going on. Pretty mindless texting. Actually talking to other people is simply not something they do with a phone. And, let me tell you, they are mean girls!

Doesn’t mean she doesn’t have social media, but it’s just limited.  We ask to see her accounts every so often and make sure anyone that follows her she knows.  That’s about all we can do, really.  It’s a big world out there.

For my son, he’s not much for being social (12). Him and his friends may send each other a meme through their school email accounts, but that is it. He’d rather listen to music, watch YouTube, and play v-games all day than be social. But, you know, same here.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles 02/05/2019 at 16:14

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Im 27. I have even never heard of tiktok. I don’t have social media (anymore)

Chariotoflove > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 16:15

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Fantastic that that works for you.

FWIW, I don’t think that kids are idiots if they are naive or unwary at that age . Most people have to experience things a little before they can make good decisions. I think that worry about the potential stigma of looking like an idiot can make them sneak around more and try to hide their mistakes, making them harder to teach and protect when they need it.

Chariotoflove > HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles 02/05/2019 at 16:16

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That sounds extreme but social media can be dangerous.

Not extreme at all. True fact.

Chariotoflove > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To 02/05/2019 at 16:17

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Yes, but there is an important nugget in that statement:  nothing on the internet is private.

Chariotoflove > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 02/05/2019 at 16:17

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No kidding.

CalzoneGolem > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:18

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Yeah man it’s a fine line of how much rope you can give them. Social media is such a big part of kids social structure.

Chariotoflove > HammerheadFistpunch 02/05/2019 at 16:19

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Mine loves the  supernatural and all things associated with it. Usually, she isn’t spooked, although sometimes she used to have bad dreams associated with that stuff.  Real life is much scarier though.

vicali > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:19

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Kids are 5 and 7;

‘Dad, can I have a phone?’ - ‘nope.’

‘Dad, can I have a tablet?’ -’nope.’

O ne day.. but not today.

Chariotoflove > Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness 02/05/2019 at 16:20

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I endorse this policy, and I often regret that I ever let my kid see a screen.

Chariotoflove > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 02/05/2019 at 16:21

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Total and transparent parental  access to all devices in our house is a given.

CalzoneGolem > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:22

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So much this.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:23

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We’re pretty restrictive. Oldest is 12, daughter is 10, youngest is 6. So far, none get unrestricted access to Google or YouTube, and all have zero access to social media, besides what my wife and I might show them once in a while from our accounts . They have iPads that they play on (limited time per day ) , but with lots of restrictions set. They have lots of games and YouTube K ids (lots of crap on there, too) - I need to add Wikipedia and maybe figure out some browser solution so they can look stuff up without supervision. Oldest plays Fortnite on his PS4 but only talks to friends, and a few friends of friends.

Going to hold out on them getting their own cell phones as long as I can. I don’t really see a need until they’re driving. I’m okay with them being the last in their classes to get them. 

Chariotoflove > TheRevanchist 02/05/2019 at 16:23

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Yeah, we let her have a phone.  It started with handing down my old one.  I wish I hadn’t gone down that slope.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:23

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tbh...as her behaviour now isnt really making me spidey senses tingle

ive mostly just checked the pin hasnt been changed

Chariotoflove > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 16:25

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I’m trying to figure out how to help her see how it can be a positive thing in her life while keeping it in perspective and learning about the potential abuses and dangers while I’m able.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:27

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So here goes my non-parent opinion (from someone much closer to your children’s generation). Social media sucks. Yeah you can keep up with people, but it really isn’t necessary if your friends actually care. I personally would make sure I could view the accounts in question (easier said than done in some cases), and if there was anything I didn’t agree with, there would be consequences. I alerted a family member to their child’s online behavior at the family christmas party in front of the child. So I guess I’m kinda a stickler for rules and privacy, but of course everyone could do a better job with that. 

Chariotoflove > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 02/05/2019 at 16:29

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We’ve been pretty bi g on limiting screen time, especially because it’s associated with addictive behavior. Now, we’re struggling with the next step. Her 7th grade crew is now communicating primary on their social media. Some of the kids practice behaviors that we definitely don’t condone for ours. The stakes are getting higher.

WilliamsSW > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:31

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Ugh - dreading the time when I have to deal with this isht.  

2Fast2Furious: Rotary Powered > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:31

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I think a lot of the stuff I see in this thread are too strict and too invasive.

If I was a parent I’d give my kid a year or 2 old Android phone that’s like 200$, explain to them everything of concern and trust them enough to let them make their own small mistakes,now if they make a big mistake then I’d be wary, but if you start policing kids day one, it’s not healthy, they just want to have a life and at that age they strive to be separate from their parental entity.

I had strict parents until one day they just weren’t strict. Then it was Mlm ore of a trust thing, and they seemed to trust my online presence enough.

This is what I’d do. Ask the kid  what social media they have and politely ask them to list them all with usernames.

If anything comes on your radar or any concerns, only then start policing them with the reward that if they gain back your trust you will stop

The worst thing is parents that invade privacy and hinder a child’s socializing by being too invasive into everything and anything.

Chariotoflove > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 02/05/2019 at 16:33

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I feel that’s a good POV, actually. If you don’t have social media, you don’t have to keep track of it. It clutters your life. I let her have her group chat through iMessage, and that’s really enough to keep in touch with her friends.

However, if all of her friends are getting onto these social media platforms, her mom and I are looking at how we can use this time while we are still forming and guiding her to help her learn the place these things have in life. When she’s out of my direct care eventually, I hope she’ll be able to make good choices.

Chariotoflove > WilliamsSW 02/05/2019 at 16:34

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Dude, I knew it was coming, because I remember being 13.  Same game, different players. 

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 16:35

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I hope that I can trust Jonah like that in 5 years. He’s been in a lying streak.  

WilliamsSW > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:36

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I’m trying not to think about what I was doing at that age - will only keep me up at night knowing my kids (!) will be doing the same or more.

And yes, that’s plural -- another one in May!

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:37

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It’s definitely a challenge. She may hate you for “sheltering” her now, but I’m sure she’ll thank you for it at some point.

Maybe allow for unlimited phone calls & texts with a good friend of hers that you all know, like & trust who does have a social media account so that she’s able to feel “plugged in” that way with her friends (via that friend)?

Chariotoflove > 2Fast2Furious: Rotary Powered 02/05/2019 at 16:39

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The thing to remember, that many many kids don’t appreciate, is that nothing posted to the internet is really private. And kids often don’t have perspective. There are so many instances of kids sexting, of committing suicide from something on social media, of ending up meeting someone who hurt them. All of these are different facets of being naive and not having perspective, things that are part and parcel of being a teenager and growing up.

Our job as parents is to help them learn from their mistakes while it’s still not too costly for them to make.

SHARPSPEED > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:40

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Another non-parent that *might* be close to your children’s age here . The more time I spend on/observe social media, the more I hope climate change wipes out the human race. Do with that what you will how if affects your thoughts on letting your kids near social media.

Chariotoflove > WilliamsSW 02/05/2019 at 16:40

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What?! Is this the first announcement, or did I miss a post? Dude, that’s terrifying   amazing! Congratulations!!!!

WilliamsSW > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:42

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Your first instinct (terrifying) isn’t far off :P Thanks!

I mentioned it in a comment to ttyymmnn on his car buying foray, but haven’t made a post about it or anything - great changes are afoot!

Chariotoflove > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 02/05/2019 at 16:42

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She does indeed have good friend who is of those people you thank God for being in your kid’s life.

I actually apologized to my parents some time ago for the shit I did as a teen, after I became a parent.  I get it now.

Chariotoflove > SHARPSPEED 02/05/2019 at 16:43

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I hope the aliens aren’t learning about us through our social media.

M aybe that’s why they’re staying away.

Chariotoflove > WilliamsSW 02/05/2019 at 16:44

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Careful, you may have to get a job now and be responsible. :p

WilliamsSW > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:45

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shush you - finally started working on that, and it’s progressing (I’ve been doing a bit of side work from home too, just ready to get out of the house).

Monkey B > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 16:59

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depends on the age, but I don’t think any kid should have a smart phone until they are at least 14. I know society doesn’t agree and it’s a shame. I’m in the unfortunate position that my gf’s ex gave 9 and 11 year olds cell phones, to which one has no interest and the youngest is obsessed with it but can’t handle it . To top it all off the father jumps in their shit for not answering immediately when he texts ( long story involving that guy and his BS). We are still trying to figure out the best course of action because it caught us by surprise, he’s extremely frustrating to deal with and he never consulted her about it. As of now she has complete access to the phones at all times...until we come up with something better. I’d like for them to not have them at all.

My 16 year old is a pretty good kid overall. I don’t look at his phone at all and hope I never have a reason to start . I’ve seen his social media, not much to it.

Chariotoflove > Monkey B 02/05/2019 at 17:01

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Damn.  Parenting is impossible when the parents don’t agree.  The kid suffers. :(

SHARPSPEED > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 17:04

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Whatever galactic council is out there slapped an “off limits” sign on earth long before Facebook was a twinkle in Ma rk Zuckerberg’s lizard eye.

Monkey B > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 17:27

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right, dude seriously disagrees and argues about everything. And the shit he’s doing to them is heartbreaking because nothing can get done...he’s that impossible.

Chariotoflove > Monkey B 02/05/2019 at 17:34

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My heart is breaking for the kid just reading this.

ZHP Sparky, the 5th > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 17:36

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Our kid is way too young for this (9 months lol) but I’m already starting to see how easy it is for them to get attracted to technology. She makes a bee line for a phone if she sees one – can’t really blame her, with all the pictures we take with it and how often we catch ourselves staring at it. We’re trying to make a conscious effort to reduce screen time. Part of me wants to go back to not having a smartphone, but the GPS capabilities and internet access do come in handy an awful lot (we also use a family tracking software to keep track of each other so we’re not constantly texting the other person asking where they are at).

Kind of coincidentally I came across my phone’s “ultra battery saver” mode the other day when it had almost run out of juice. I’m trying to run it in that mode on a regular basis now – just shows a blank screen with the bare basics – dialer, texting app, clock (and you can add a few more – I have camera and access to a night time screen dimmer). Going to see if I can make a habit of it. Can always exit this mode if I actually need to access navigation software or the internet, but FB and Instagram aren’t always staring at me egging me on to come take a look.

Chariotoflove > ZHP Sparky, the 5th 02/05/2019 at 17:42

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You still have a chance to control the exposure. Thinking hard about what role technology should take in your kid’s life leads inevitably to thinking about its role in your own, and what behavior you want to model for your child.  I can tell you that I’ve started to take a hard look at my own screen time and sometimes I don’t like what I see.

MattHurting > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 18:07

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We have 2 boys (10 and 7) , and I would say this is one of the situations where you monitor boys and girls differently. But still, we give them access to YouTube with their under 18 accounts that limits some things. And we definitely make sure to tell them that the internet can be a creepy, weird place.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 18:49

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This is a really, really hard topic. Kids today have access to way more information at a much earlier age than any generation before. We believe that too much too soon is damaging to a person’s development.

The social media platforms present a sticky problem, especially when it comes to identity. We’ve already created accounts for our kids on many of the platforms (facebook, instagram, etc.) so that other people don’t grab those accounts and spoof them. That doesn’t mean our kids have access to them just yet.

Our kids have had access to computers since they were 10. Earlier than that at school, but we drew the line at 10 for access at home. Shortly after my son gained access, I took a look at his browsing history and discovered that he was looking at stuff he really shouldn’t, even though we thought we were doing a good job monitoring it. He came to it innocently enough - he was browsing sites dedicated to Pokemon and Yu Gi Oh. From there he found links to anime porn.

We had to have a long talk.

After that happened , I locked down the network and started blacklisting sites at the router level. I still check the history every couple of months just to see what’s going on. The big bonus to doing this was setting time limits on network access. No more fights about turning off computers or phones. The network just kills access an hour before the kids’ bedtimes.

W e use tracking software on both of our kids’ phones . It alerts me to bad driving behavior and lets us know when they make it to school and leave for home.

My wife caught our daughter texting with a boy she wasn’t supposed to be seeing (long story). At least she wasn’t sexting or sending nudes. Because of how she behaved when my wife asked to see her phone, she will soon be receiving additional software that grants us access even if she doesn’t want us to see what’s on there.

Phones and internet access , like driving, are privileges, granted by a higher authority (parents). With the privileges comes responsibility. When trust is broken, consequences are required.

Chariotoflove > TheRealBicycleBuck 02/05/2019 at 19:19

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I hadn’t even thought about controlling the network itself. Also, I am interested in what software you’re  using, especially this “additional” software of which you speak. We have recently had an event that has forced us to reevaluate how we do things in our house, and I would love to hear about all the tools at our disposal. You and I seem to be of like mind. Would you mind chatting about this with me off the forum? I’d be in your debt. M y email is chariotoflove123@gmail

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 19:29

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If you have two kids, give one unrestricted access to all social media and give the other absolutely zero access. Report back in 25-30 years and tells us which kid is better adjusted.

Chariotoflove > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 02/05/2019 at 19:32

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Hahahahaha

No.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 19:47

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No debt required. I’ll be in touch shortly.

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 19:48

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1. Turn off the internet.

2. Remind them how annoying the ads that interrupt their screens are...

3. Seek their opinion on everything then asked them how they formed it and why.

4. Do something interesting outside or at least in the real world and  see if they want to participate

jimz > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 02/05/2019 at 20:01

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I’m 42.  Twitter is still the “new thing” for me. 

Shamoononon drives like a farmer > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 20:03

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I have a almost 17 year old. She had a phone super young - maybe 7 or 8? I work an hour a way so making sure she was where she was supposed to be or had backup was our priority and that phone did its job well . That was pre-smart phone I think. She slowly worked up to a smart phone, maybe age 12? That’s also about when she joined facebook. I versed her on the importance of remaining anonymous and/or keeping most information private and not being a bully.

When she obsesses with it or stays up late I turn off her data and boot her from the router, don’t even have to enter her room. She has obsessed with it, and it does become addicting, but they also obsess over popularity contests at school and who’s dating who/etc.

At the end of it, they’ll be 18 sooner or later, so you can’t shield them from everything.

Monkey B > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 20:08

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it’s a hard thing to witness and hav e to remain somewhat quiet in the matter . While I can voice my opinion to her she usually is of the same opinion so it’s just preaching to the choir. ..it’s that dad is a total narcissist and control freak that issues can’t be addressed like normal people do . Growing up I had no idea my parents didn’t really like each other until I was old enough to understand, figure it out and  form my own opinions. My son has zero idea I’m not one of mom’s best chums because we keep it that way....not that hard to do when you have the kids best interests in mind...tells you where his are.

shop-teacher > jimz 02/05/2019 at 20:37

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I’m 37. I've decided to pass on Twitter.

Chariotoflove > SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media 02/05/2019 at 21:54

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4 works well with some kids and not so well with others. Brain chemistry varies, and some kids would rather immerse in a screen than live real life. 

Chariotoflove > Shamoononon drives like a farmer 02/05/2019 at 21:56

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My focus is on giving her the tools she needs to put technology in its place and perspective by the time she’s 18.  

Chariotoflove > Monkey B 02/05/2019 at 21:58

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I can’t imagine having a child and not putting her needs at the front of the line. 

2Fast2Furious: Rotary Powered > Chariotoflove 02/05/2019 at 22:15

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Yeah but policed kids end up causing damage too,they hate their parents and will never tell them anything.

You need to find a balance without over policing, checking their phones often, and treating a teenager like a 10 yesterday old or younger.

Parents always say they know what's best but the kids are people too, they can't live separate lives if they're attached at the hip

GLiddy > TheRealBicycleBuck 02/05/2019 at 23:31

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I tried this and my son installed a VPN to bypass the filters. It was my fault for not locking down the iPad so he created his own Apple account and downloaded the VPN software. I thought by keeping the password for the AppleID that I set the iPad with would prevent him from downloading apps without my permission. Stupid me.

Its nearly pointless to keep them away from time wasting activities. They will learn how to use either social engineering or some technical means to do what they want to do. I try to limit my kids to 2 hours a day on the internet via a controlled-access network login. They say they have no homework, so they will game or do time-wasting social media activities. When their time is up t hen they ask for more time to do their school work. What do you do then? Tell them they used their time for gaming and let them fail their homework? Yeah, all this ends up making them into liars.

Can you tell I’m frustrated?

TheRealBicycleBuck > GLiddy 02/06/2019 at 00:21

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Smart kid.

Some of the solutions out there recognize VPN traffic and can block it. I set my system to automatically shunt any unknown devices into a group that doesn’t have internet access if the kids get smart and try to spoof the MAC address.

My son was bad about goofing off instead of doing homework. After he received a few bad grades because of it, he learned that I was more willing to reward him with goof-off time if he finished his homework first. You-tube was a big problem for a while, so I blocked it and other video sites from the network during the week.

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > Chariotoflove 02/06/2019 at 06:35

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4 depends deeply upon the parents and the family support structure...and is the reason I is what I is.

Monkey B > TheRealBicycleBuck 02/06/2019 at 07:30

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I’d also like to know about that additional software.

Monkey B > 2Fast2Furious: Rotary Powered 02/06/2019 at 07:44

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you’ll have a different perspective if and when you have kids . I’m not suggesting you are wrong, but the reality of having children is that all the seemingly reasonable ideas you had before aren’t. I t’s increasingly harder to raise children in this society because it’s far more dangerous ...and I don’t imagine it’ll be getting any easier.

CalzoneGolem > Chariotoflove 02/06/2019 at 10:57

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From my experience social media is how the entire friend structure and communication is organized, dispensed and judged these days. 

deekster_caddy > GLiddy 02/06/2019 at 13:07

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Set up your AppleID account as a parent with family sharing. Enroll his AppleIDs as your child. Then you can use screen time with a ton of controls over the device and time limits, allowed websites etc. It’s not an easy subject and kids don’t really understand just how many crazy people or dangerous websites are out there. I feel like we’ve drilled home the part about not sharing personal locations etc, even if we can’t really keep identities private anymore.

Another thing kids don’t quite get is how things on the internet literally live forever.