This is my favorite Oppo story: Here's a story of when I got old, so you, Oppo, can realize when you get old. 

"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats) 02/15/2019 at 00:31 • Filed to: None

28

86

I was with some friends in their apartment watching TV and drinking, when someone said they wanted pizza. Being sort of drunk with two women, I volunteered to find pizza before I was involuntarily volunteered to go find pizza. You’d be surprised how hard it is to find pizza in New York uptown around midnight on a weekday.

So I start walking to all of the pizza places I know, and either they’re not open or they won’t take an order. So I decide to look on my phone for a place that’s open, but I don’t want to stand around on the sidewalk like a doofus, so I decide I’ll find a bar and get a beer and do it. So I’m walking down Amsterdam and I hear karaoke. I. Fucking. Love. Karaoke.

So I get a beer and start searching Yelp. I find a place and decide I’ll use the bathroom then leave then call.

I was wearing a t-shirt from my alma mater. I’m not that sort of douchebag, but I intended to spend the night watching 30 Rock and getting drunk, so I was dressed appropriately. On my way to the restroom, I pass these kids and they’re like, hey, you went there? And I’m like, “yeah!” And they’re like “come drink with us!” And I’m like “yeah!”

So, these students were all from Cooper Union. I didn’t go to Cooper Union, but I like people who did, because they had that zero tuition thing, and that’s legit, even if they’re all engineers and architects.

So we’re drinking. And this one guy, who was Scandinavian seems really into me. I’m straight, but I’m also very comfortable about being straight and I like attention, especially from people who are significantly better looking than me. And he’s like “WE SHOULD SING A DUET” and I’m like “YES” and he’s like “DO YOU KNOW MR. BRIGHTSIDE!?” And I’m like “I LOVE THAT SONG.”

Now here’s the thing. I have heard of that song’s existence. My knowledge of that song is that a band called The Killers recorded that song and it was popular around the same time as Feel Good Inc. I love everything Damon Albarn, so I knew Feel Good Inc., but I only knew this song because it was around at that same time.

I did not know the lyrics. I was also in denial about having very poor eyesight, so I could not even read the lyrics. As we walked up to request it, I told myself that either the lyrics would be obvious, or I would be completely hilarious and fuck them up ostensibly on purpose.

But there was this guy singing. He was, apparently, an opera singer with the Met Opera. And he’s doing this thing with “Don’t You Want Me Baby” and he’s purposely screwing up the lyrics, but not in an “I’m too drunk to not fuck this up way,” but in a “I’m a professionally trained singer and isn’t this cute?” way. So, of course he brings down the house. And of course people are asking him to do something else.

And I’m like this fucker, I can’t go on after this, and he stole my fucking up the lyrics to a song thing. So I say I’m going out for a cigarette.

So I go outside and there’s this old woman there. Apparently karaoke at this bar is her thing. I don’t know. She’s with some guy who’s like 20 and the whole thing seems like the world’s shittiest version of Sunset Boulevard, but Gloria Swanson was an elderly karaoke singer and this 20 year old is a much less charming William Holden. I think she was from Romania, so we talked about Romania, because I have a vague understanding of Romania.

She goes in to sing a song.

So I’m there and this very pretty girl, who is fresh off of the boat from, I think, Nigeria, asks me for a cigarette. I tell her I’m out, which I was, but I need to buy more, so let’s go across the street to the bodega and I’ll buy a pack and give her one. So we do that.

Then her brother comes around. He’s less off of the boat and apparently a grad student at Columbia, but he’s not awful, because he looks at my shirt and says we went to the same school. He’s like, “so, I want to go to another bar with some people, can you look after my sister?”

And I immediately go all yenta and go “you literally just met me, this is the first time your sister has visited the U.S., and you’re going to leave her with some stranger? And yes, we went to the same school, but you know damn well that that’s the opposite of an endorsement of character. No. You do NOT leave your sister in the care of some stranger. That is NOT COOL, man. Not cool.”

Then I went home and woke up to 1) a terrible hangover. 2) two very pissed off women who spent hours waiting for a pizza that never materialized. 3) the realization that I was old.

It will happen to you someday, Oppo.

interstate366, now In The Industry > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:24

2

I realized I was old in ~2013 when I went to a car meet and was about 8-10 years older than most of the people there (I was a ripe old 27 at the time.) I didn’t understand 80% of the terms they used, didn’t like the looks of most of the cars, and just didn’t fit in.

d15b > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:26

2

Not going to lie, brilliant read. But it your heart is in the right place. Why be a schmuck on your phone when you can be a schmuck on your phone with some beer?

Alfalfa > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:28

2

...well, I don’t know what I was expecting.

Honeybunchesofgoats > interstate366, now In The Industry 05/01/2017 at 21:28

8

Every time I see blacked out tailights, all o can think is “that’s going to look really clean when you get rear ended on a foggy day, chief.”

Honeybunchesofgoats > d15b 05/01/2017 at 21:29

0

That’s my philosophy to life in a nutshell.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:29

1

my brother-in-law got married saturday night. I spent 90% of sunday in bed recovering. I’m old. Having 3 kids doesn;t help

Honeybunchesofgoats > Alfalfa 05/01/2017 at 21:29

0

I bet you weren’t expecting a 70 year old karaoke chanteuse with a 20 year old boyfriend, that’s for sure.

Honeybunchesofgoats > OPPOsaurus WRX 05/01/2017 at 21:31

1

I like to think that everyone’s prime is between their first bad hangover and their last bad hangover. There’s a short, beautiful period where hangovers happen to people who aren’t you.

AntiSpeed > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:34

5

I realized I was old when my aunt gave me pijama pants for Christmas and I was legitimately excited.

I’m wearing them right now, actually.

interstate366, now In The Industry > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:35

2

Stance. So much stance.

Also, around that time I briefly “dated” (it was more like FWB) an 18-year-old, and it was painfully obvious that we had nothing in common except being really attracted to each other. I was actually relieved she went out with someone else.

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:37

0

I think the “oldest” moment I’ve had was when I had to drive from Seattle to Yelm (60mi away?) back to Seattle (The airport specifically) in record time. Because my car got impounded (parked in an apartment complex that I though was guest parking, but wasn’t, fair enough) around midnight and I had to get someone on a flight at like 3:30AM. Had to wait almost two hours for someone to show up so I could get it out.

When I got back home after coming from the airport I was too tired to get out of my car and just slept in it.

Honeybunchesofgoats > interstate366, now In The Industry 05/01/2017 at 21:38

2

In my entire life, I’ve dated a single woman who was actually younger than me. She was 22 and I was 27, and even with that small five year age difference, I just could not understand her.

tromoly > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:38

1

This is like a more believable version of Weird Al’s Albuquerque . Only thing missing is a funnel full of sauerkraut.

Honeybunchesofgoats > AntiSpeed 05/01/2017 at 21:39

1

Just wait until you’re old enough to get an entire set, including a matching robe.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:43

1

At first I was like penthouse forums then I was like this is a more realistic version of a sienfeld episode. Well done!

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > tromoly 05/01/2017 at 21:44

0

...That song is amazing.

WilliamsSW > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:45

2

See now, this story (a great one btw) made me feel old, because I miss the days when I would end up having completely random fun like this.

But maybe that’s more a function of being married with, kids, I guess.

Dave the car guy , still here > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:48

1

I’m the OG on a bunch of car forums and here. I realized I was old when I was invited out with the techs from the dealership after work about 9 yrs ago. One of the younger guys asked me to play pool for a beer thinking I’d be an easy mark. I ran 4 balls off the break, he made two or three and then I cleaned the table. I played about 3 more games. lost one , drank a few beers and headed home. All the work crew teased the young kid about the it for about a week about everything. “Old Dave whipped your ass in pool, why do you think you can (fill in the blank)“? I was Old Dave for a month or two. That was the last time I went out pool playing and drinking with our crew.

interstate366, now In The Industry > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:48

2

Yeah, the girl I’ve been talking to the past few weeks is 29 (I’m 31), and I seem to understand her a lot more than other women I’ve gone out with. Her being foreign also means I have to (and want to) put some extra effort into learning about her.

Honeybunchesofgoats > WilliamsSW 05/01/2017 at 21:50

2

I think the kids makes a difference. I travel fairly regularly, usually just to go some place to get drunk and meet people (I SAW A GHOST in Ireland, which is a story I have half written up), and I don’t think I’d have half of these stories if I had any little people relying on me for their survival.

DipodomysDeserti > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:51

6

That kid wasn’t telling you to watch his sister. She was being trafficked and you were drunk.

ttyymmnn > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:52

2

I realized I was old when I stopped doing anything even as remotely interesting as this.

That was a fantastic read. As I got towards the end, I started thinking, what about the pizza? I’m glad you sewed that one up.

Honeybunchesofgoats > interstate366, now In The Industry 05/01/2017 at 21:54

4

I’ve dated an inordinate amount of foreign women, and at the risk of sounding really, really terrible and awful, the great thing is that they can’t always tell when you’re a weirdo. I once genuinely said to a woman “How do you not know who Audrey Hepburn is, everyone knows Audrey Hepburn” and she completely believed that.

Honeybunchesofgoats > DipodomysDeserti 05/01/2017 at 21:55

1

Shit just got real.

Also, that explains how we went to the same school.

Long Live the Longdoor > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:55

3

Good read. Maybe my priorities in life are different or I’m just boring, but when I go out for pizza, I get the damn pizza. I’m not sure if I’m doing life right or wrong now.

Honeybunchesofgoats > ttyymmnn 05/01/2017 at 21:56

0

I still have not heard the end of that pizza. One of them will occasionally say to me “so, where’s that pizza?”

Alfalfa > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:57

3

Also I had my wife read this, and she was just worried about the poor pizza-less women the entire time.

Dave the car guy , still here > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:57

1

It was a good read. Thanks for sharing. If it had been before midnight you could have gotten pizza at Famiglia on Eighth Ave. My daughter lived at the New Yorker while in college for two years and I used to grab a pie there late at night when we were visiting. Might have been a long walk for you, they made me pizza before when I’d walked in about 5 minutes before closing. They locked the door at midnight and cleaned while my pizza was cooking. Maybe they recognized me , they never turned me away.

OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 21:59

5

Every time someone post something more about their life, I realize how many bad decisions such an educated group of individuals can make when it comes to vehicles. So many of us have bachelor degrees or more and some apparently Ivy League. Well in my case, I’m one and a half weeks away from having a SEC degree.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Long Live the Longdoor 05/01/2017 at 22:02

2

I swear that I tried. I walked to at least three places and they were either closed or wouldn’t make a pizza for me.

DipodomysDeserti > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 22:03

4

The reason you met multiple people from your same school is because you wore a shirt with your school on it and were getting hustled all night.

That’s how I know you aren’t “old”. Or at least not seasoned.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Alfalfa 05/01/2017 at 22:03

1

Let your wife know that I will never live down that pizza, I promise you.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Dave the car guy , still here 05/01/2017 at 22:06

1

Yeah. I looked it up and they’re in Midtown, although apparently they have a place uptown near Broadway, but that was not happeneing. I was sure that if I just walked down Amsterdam (and, mind you, I went about 20 blocks) I would find a place, but I just didn’t.

Textured Soy Protein > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 22:09

5

Where do you live that you need to leave the house to acquire pizza? Pizza is like the ultimate, “why yes, we will bring this to you because you are drunk/stoned/lazy” food.

interstate366, now In The Industry > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 22:14

0

Heh, I’ve noticed that myself in the past and, being socially awkward as I am, I think that puts me at less of a disadvantage. We have some of the same interests and similar personalities, so it might be promising.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 22:14

1

I’m reading through my text messages from that night and they’re just amazing. I’m texting one of my friends about how this bar was playing Pony, and my friend is like “IF YOU LOSE MY KEYS I WILL KILL YOU” and I’m like “my eyesore is worse than normal I cannot see.”

Honeybunchesofgoats > OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars 05/01/2017 at 22:18

7

Join us educated dumbasses.

OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 22:19

8

That is the most perfect description of Oppo ever.

WilliamsSW > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 22:19

1

Yeah, it’s the kids. It stops completely for the first few years of their life, then, if you’re lucky, it’ll trickle back in. Or so I hope- I’m in that 1st year now.

I do know people who keep it up into their 50s though—

Looking forward to a good ghost story-

Honeybunchesofgoats > DipodomysDeserti 05/01/2017 at 22:20

2

In my youth, I followed a drug dealer in San Sebastián for, like, ten blocks before I realized he was going to roll me. I think I know when I’m being hustled?

Honeybunchesofgoats > Textured Soy Protein 05/01/2017 at 22:22

1

My first reaction was to call Two Boots, but they were closed and we weren’t yet drunk enough for Dominos.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 22:24

1

I’ve heard that switching drink types doesn’t matter, as its all alcohol in the end. I dunno about that..... I went from beer to gin to beer to wine to champagne to beer to gin to beer. I didn’t get sick, but damn was my head pounding in the morning.

Honeybunchesofgoats > OPPOsaurus WRX 05/01/2017 at 22:29

1

I’m a firm believer that it’s the quality of alcohol that makes all the difference.

I’ve had two massive hangovers in my life. The first was at a reception that an ex made me go to. I thought “reception” meant food, so I didn’t eat the whole day, because I wanted my $50 worth. It turned out to be an open bar, and I had something like nine screwdrivers.

The second was at a party in college where the only alcohol was some whiskey called Wild Rose and Natty Ice. At some point I announced that the alcohol at the party sucked, when home and grabbed a bottle of gin, and spent the rest of the night walking around taking swigs from it and chasing away anyone who asked for some. I spent the next 48 hours on the floor of my room.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/01/2017 at 22:36

2

the last wedding I went to I was heading home in the back of my sister-in-laws car. Had to puke, went to roll down the windows, child lock. went to open the door (on the highway) child lock. held the puke in my mouth just long enough to unscrew a soda bottle and puke into it.

Back in college I went to puke out my bedroom window but forgot to open the window. those are probably the 2 times i puked. I dont puke often, but when I do its in spectacular fashion.

Honeybunchesofgoats > OPPOsaurus WRX 05/01/2017 at 22:39

0

I still hold this grudge against an RA in college who came to my dorm while I was in the bathroom puking and insisted that my girlfriend show my ID to prove I was over 21 or she would call an EMT.

TheBimmerGuyWhoNowOwnsAChevy > AntiSpeed 05/02/2017 at 01:15

0

I get excited when I get socks and pajamas and I’m not legal to drink yet.....

RallyWrench > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/02/2017 at 02:08

1

That was a fun read. So the moral of the story is, don’t buy pizza for drunk women? Or do? I’m confused. And old. Having just eaten pizza and drank a bunch of beer with my wife. But it’s cool, because that’s what we set out to do.

TorqueToYield > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/02/2017 at 06:53

0

DON’T TALK TO ANY STRANGERS IN NEW YORK THEY’RE ALL DANGEROUS CRIMINALS AND YOU’LL GET STABBED.

haveacarortwoorthree2 > WilliamsSW 05/02/2017 at 09:05

2

FYI, it doesn’t. Because after little tyke #1 comes little tyke #2. And then you reach agreement that two is the perfect number, until you are informed that little tyke #3 will arrive in eight months or so. And then you have to work more and save money, so little tykes will be better off than you were. So you’re tired all the time. And it seems like all you do is drive to work, drive home, and drive little tykes to all their school and sporting events. Then the kids are no longer little tykes and are old enough to understand what’s going on, so mommy and daddy can’t come home drunk and have hangovers the next day. And when mommy goes out of town, the kids will blab when she gets back that daddy had a strange woman in the house all night and strange noises were coming from the bedroom. Then mommy takes all daddy’s stuff (half my ass) and daddy has to find a cheap apartment because he now owes $100,000 in attorney’s fees and has to support two households. So he sells his nice car and now drives a 10 yo Accord.

WilliamsSW > haveacarortwoorthree2 05/02/2017 at 09:58

0

Yeah, we’re just far enough along that #2 is a hot topic of discussion. I’m pretty sure that #3 is a non-starter (we’re old). Part of me thinks it’ll be a little easier as they get older, part of me realizes that you’re right, but I’m in DENIAL, OK? :)

CaptDale - is secretly British > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/02/2017 at 14:48

0

Ha, this is the best thing ever

RPM esq. > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/03/2017 at 19:48

0

This story makes me miss living in New York.

RPM esq. > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/03/2017 at 19:50

0

How far uptown were you? Columbia student encounters make me think this a plausible option.

ttyymmnn > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 22:17

1

I’m remember when you posted that before. Best story ever. My life is so boring. :(

promoted by the color red > OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars 08/08/2017 at 22:18

0

I have a degree from a decent public university and I thought “tearing down motocross trails in the Mojave in a Toyota Camry” was a great idea.

Wasn’t wrong about that.

Honeybunchesofgoats > ttyymmnn 08/08/2017 at 22:19

0

Just be willing to be drunk and stupid and it can happen to you!

ttyymmnn > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 22:21

1

Sadly, those days are behind me. At least until my kids move out.

jvirgs drives a Subaru > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 22:22

0

Whats your go-to karaoke song.

Honeybunchesofgoats > ttyymmnn 08/08/2017 at 22:22

0

At least it’s something to look forward to.

Honeybunchesofgoats > jvirgs drives a Subaru 08/08/2017 at 22:24

1

Realistically or “I wish it were possible”? Because the latter is Private Eyes or Age of Consent.

TheHondaBro > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 22:26

3

I think this is my favorite post on here.

Honeybunchesofgoats > TheHondaBro 08/08/2017 at 22:28

0

I did, eventually, free myself.

ttyymmnn > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 22:28

0

I suppose.

TheHondaBro > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 22:29

1

I’m happy for you.

OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars > promoted by the color red 08/08/2017 at 22:33

0

We’re all pretty darn smart but we don’t think through anything car related but how we can get the most fun.

Honeybunchesofgoats > TheHondaBro 08/08/2017 at 22:36

0

I need for friends like you. Half would have watched me die in that bottle.

BigBlock440 > WilliamsSW 08/08/2017 at 22:40

1

It kind of gets easier as they get older. At least you get more sleep, so it seems easier.

WilliamsSW > BigBlock440 08/08/2017 at 22:47

0

More sleep would be excellent. It’s already getting better, he’s about to turn 1 now.

BigBlock440 > WilliamsSW 08/08/2017 at 22:56

1

Mine didn’t spend a full night in her bed until we moved her to a full size mattress a few months ago, around her 2nd birthday. Now number 2's here, and work is nuts, so it’s back to 4 hours a night again. Oh well, at least I got used to being tired from the first one.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/09/2017 at 07:26

0

These posts are why I still love oppo!

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/15/2019 at 00:38

1

The reason I know you are old is because you used “bodega” in a sentence.

Your boy, BJR > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/15/2019 at 00:44

0

Prineton?

Honeybunchesofgoats > Chariotoflove 02/15/2019 at 01:04

1

Where else are you going to go drunk at 3 AM?

Honeybunchesofgoats > Your boy, BJR 02/15/2019 at 01:05

1

Fuck no. Penn. My girlfriend went to Princeton and I make sure she knows it was a bad choice every day. 

Distraxi's idea of perfection is a Jagroen > TheHondaBro 02/15/2019 at 01:13

0

I had never seen that before and now I can’t stop giggling. 

Distraxi's idea of perfection is a Jagroen > OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars 02/15/2019 at 01:15

0

And what is not smart about that?

Your boy, BJR > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/15/2019 at 01:30

0

Penn gave us the trumps . Princeton gave us JFK, Jimmy Stewart, F. Scott Fitzgerald , and Lee Motherfucking Iacocca.

Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/15/2019 at 07:26

0

Sorry, not sorry:

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/15/2019 at 09:32

0

By then I’m in no shape to be going anywhere. That’s how you know I’m an old. 

OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars > Distraxi's idea of perfection is a Jagroen 02/15/2019 at 09:45

0

punkgoose17 > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/15/2019 at 10:12

0

You owe them pizza. Next time you hang out you just need to randomly bring pizza.

My bird IS the word > OpposResidentLexusGuy - USE20, XF20, XU30 and Press Cars 02/15/2019 at 10:19

1

I'm walking proof that you can go to school, learn a bunch of stuff, and still manage to fuck everything up. So there's that.

Pickup_man > AntiSpeed 02/15/2019 at 10:46

0

I get secretly upset when I don’t get warm thick sock for Christmas now.

Pickup_man > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/15/2019 at 10:59

0

The fact that you have friends that live in an apartment makes me feel old. Life is very different in the mid-west. None of my friends are over 30, and all of us own (well, the bank does ) our own homes, some of my friends even have acreages and their own farms at this point....

Most of us have kids, several of us are on the second kid even......

You’re story sounds like something my group of friends would have done in college......

I miss college.....

Why am I old/not old? 

Manny05x > Chariotoflove 02/15/2019 at 11:15

1

If he would of said corner store i would of thought that nor bodega.

Just Jeepin' > Honeybunchesofgoats 02/15/2019 at 11:32

0

Apparently I was born old.