Hershey's Cookies and Creme FiLLoWS: the Oppositelock Review

"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck) 12/18/2019 at 22:12 • Filed to: Cereal

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Walked by these sitting on the clearance rack my Local WinCo Foods™ and just had to scoop them up.

I’ve had Krave, Pop Tarts, and other filled cereals. But nothing could prepare me for this experience.

First thing’s first: this sugar content is unreal. 19 grams per serving. NINETEEN! Most of the cereals I buy regularly don’t even crack 10 grams. So this time, my pilot bowl was half of my usual pour. Because I want to live until I’m at least one more year before I die of hardened, sugary blood.

These are large pie ces of what could barely be considered food. They have the shape and grain pattern similar to Oatmeal Squares, but poof diameter matches that of Cap’n Crunch. The anticipation intensifies.

The second I pour my share, the sugar dust hits like perfume. That one perfume your ex wore and you still recognize it nearly 20 years later. Unmistakable aroma of arousing LIES—The milk has little affect on the color-retention of the pieces. It doesn’t turn immediately cloudy with brown darkness. Suspicious. I let it sit for about 45 second before trying. These pieces aren’t quite hard as a rock, but they’re no Kix that’s for damn sure.

First bite... Insanity. You don’t even get to chew it. You break it with your teeth and it completely coats your gums and any exposed enamel. There’s nothing even left on your tongue, the glue of sugar has seized your entire oral cavity... Possibly even your sinuses. You power through.

Second bite. With your mouth coated, the next shipment actually chews like real food for a few seconds. The shell is very mild, maybe closer to Chocolate Chex as opposed to Cocoa Puffs in terms of chocolate intensity. The center? The center is gummy, chewy, chalky, hardened mass-produced ultra-condensed frosting. No hint of almond or buttermilk, just a the Final Stage of processed sugar. I have never had a cereal that compared in any way to this texture.

Yet the intense sugar-flavored adhesive did not burn my weakened teeth like some sugar bomb cereal accomplishes. The bowl got easier and easier to eat, slowly approaching the peak of the normal curve that is Cereal Tolerability.

Though I initial drowned the pieces, this was the only little bit of milk left. As I said: these are large, thirst chunks of “food.”

I was gonna write that this was just awful. Horrible. Inconceivable! But 12 hours later, I’m kind of looking forward to having my second bowl tomorrow morning. This cereal is an absolute MUST, if only for novelty purposes.

Thanks for reading.

phenotyp > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 22:20

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High-quality review. I didn’t think you’d go through with it.

Respect. 

fintail > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 22:24

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Sounds like a good means for a temporary high. Followed by a huge crash.

My go-to cereal lately is simple corn flakes (must be Kellogg’ s) with one spoonful of brown sugar.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 22:28

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. . . I am speechless. . .

. . . and a little hungry. . .

. . . if not for my gluten allergy.

This is exactly the sort of content we need in the midst of politics. A++

Poor_Sh > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 22:30

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I would subscribe to this blog.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 22:33

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All that and not one mention of diabetus.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > fintail 12/18/2019 at 22:34

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Damn, even your trash cereal is fancy.

MM54 > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 22:43

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I tried the Dippin-Dots branded cereal, it was just sugar balls. I assume this is similar but with a bonus sugary goo inside.

For perspective, my go-to is raisin bran.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 12/18/2019 at 22:45

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Unfortunately I used several decent jokes in my preview post yesterday. I did sneak in the “thickened sugary blood” part, though.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > MM54 12/18/2019 at 22:56

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Mine is Oatmeal Squares, cinnamon. If I’m feeling REALLY dangerous, I might get Golden Grahams, which has less than half the sugar of the FiLLoWS per serving.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 22:59

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Can’t wait for the sequel. Doesn’t really look like they are sold in Canada. Only some sketchy amazon sellers.

BaconSandwich is tasty. > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 23:27

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Sounds like it might be good crushed up and mixed with vanilla ice cream.

BaconSandwich is tasty. > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 12/18/2019 at 23:28

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That makes me slightly sad.

I should see if I can track down some Oreo cerial. That stuff was really good when mixed with vanilla ice cream.

winterlegacy, here 'till the end > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 23:28

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Remember when they had the boxes of donettes cereal?

I was hoping they would be okay, but the powdery crap they stuck on them is extremely hydrophobic and is like eating sawdust.

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/18/2019 at 23:53

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Okay...I’m no longer hungry.

But I am mystified. Mostly by the mix of metric and imperial measures...like ‘19 grams per 3/4 cup'. 

SiennaMan > fintail 12/19/2019 at 00:21

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 That sounds really good.  Decent cereal, you control the sugar and can therefore use good quality sugar.  

SiennaMan > SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media 12/19/2019 at 00:24

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 Welcome to US labeling my friend.  That's a very normal label stateside,  similar to how in one isle of the grocery they'll have gallons and half gallons of milk and in the next isle 2 liter bottles of pop.

M.T. Blake > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/19/2019 at 00:32

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Dessert: Now for breakfast.

fintail > SiennaMan 12/19/2019 at 00:37

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They aren’t  bad. Corn flakes aren’t the least sugary thing, but they aren’t as bad a kid cereal, are inexpensive, and I like the taste. A little added sugar kick makes a bowl a useful cheap lunch to get me through the afternoon.

MrDakka > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/19/2019 at 01:06

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This is the way... of diabetes

MrDakka > MM54 12/19/2019 at 01:09

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I like R aisin Bran as well, even as a kid I liked them. But those  fucking raisins always sink in the milk. I wish there was a edible superhydrophobic coating that could applied to the raisins for that optimal raisin to b ran flake ratio

DutchieDC2R > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/19/2019 at 04:16

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I cant believe something with that much sugar is marketed at kids. 

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/19/2019 at 07:52

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Those had to go before you could get this posted to The Takeout as a freelancer. We are on to you! 

https://thetakeout.com/

imadick > MM54 12/19/2019 at 08:28

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This is why the current generation of Americans will not live past 60.

functionoverfashion > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/19/2019 at 10:36

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Raisin bran is too sweet for me, as are Honey Nut Cheerios. This is incomprehensible to me. 

MM54 > imadick 12/19/2019 at 19:55

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I dunno, modern medicine seems to manage diabetes pretty well.

imadick > MM54 12/20/2019 at 08:41

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And yet people still have their feet amputated because of diabetes. While there is medicine, that requires people to administer it properly and fix their diet.