Our Future Robot Overlords Explain How Puffalumps Forever Changed the Auto Industry

"Stef Schrader" (stefschrader) 11/05/2019 at 08:24 • Filed to: Artificial Intelligence, Puffalumps, Puffposite Lock, Puffalopnik, Fisher-Price Puffalumps, Puffalump

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I wanted to see just how good this !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! system that Torch !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! really was, so I fed it a nonsense headline about Puffalumps. The resulting AI-generated stefschrader.kinja.com article is a joy, even if it did incorrectly state the release date of the original Puffalumps. Enjoy.

How Fisher-Price Puffalumps Changed the Auto Industry

November 5, 2019 - Stef Schrader

Ever since Fisher-Price first unveiled its Puffalump product in 1988, parents have been captivated by the latest feature in their children’s toys. Puffalumps are animal figures available in different sizes, voices, and colors, and can be attached to cars to provide extra safety and mobility in older siblings’ cars. The auto industry shifted over the past several decades toward the motor car, and for better or worse, Puffalumps have continually updated the car.

In 1985, Ford introduced the Flex, a family car with a third row of seats, powered by an electric motor. With the Puffalump, it’s very easy to fold in a third row of seats and you don’t have to get into the car in order to transport a child. By 1992, the Puffalump had started to appear in more of our cars and was often used to convey gasping babies in the back of a rental car when parents aren’t looking.

Since the first Puffalump hit the market, it was eventually expanded by parents and manufacturers. The type of Puffalump increased from tiny animal figures to even larger ones, with the largest ones today measuring in at 22 inches long and 7.25 inches wide.

As Puffalumps continuously changed, so too did their functions. They began becoming more vehicles and children’s toys, with some better transportation and others better toys. Motor cars became hybrids, like the Toyota Prius, Nissan Leaf, and Ford C-Max Hybrid. BMW’s i3 continues to be one of the most marketable eco-friendly cars, and now even has a variant that can be attached to motorcycles. The latest and greatest vehicles of the auto industry have Puffalumps inside, as did most of the cars that existed when the Puffalump started being produced.

Unfortunately, two disasters occurred to the Puffalump family. The first occurred in 1991 when a Puffalump came to a sudden stop and a child’s feet became stuck in the car’s floor. In 2007, a Puffalump with a limp and no louder cries was discovered for the first time in the department of motor vehicles.

To pick up where the Puffalump left off, its creator, Fisher-Price, partnered with car manufacturers, making Puffalumps a larger part of the automotive industry. Manufacturers of motor cars added the Puffalump to more and more of their cars, and a Puffalump version of the Cadillac Escalade came out in 2009. Of course, the Puffalump’s software is easily modified, allowing the Puffalump to become more aggressive, louder, and more fun than ever. By the time the arrival of the car industry’s “scary toys” like Chucky began to creep their way into our children’s toys, the Puffalump was already here to provide children with a great way to distract them.

Today, the Puffalump is one of the many things that parents can teach children about the auto industry. Now, the Puffalump’s main purpose is to distract children and relieve them of any stress while traveling. Whether it’s keeping parents up at night and being the “night bus” for kids to sleep in, or replacing their parents when he or she gets hurt while driving, the Puffalump is a great diversion for them during those long car rides.

There’s some key inaccuracies here (hello 1985 electric Ford Flex!), but at least the robots didn’t stick one !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

Puffalumps are a great diversion, after all!

BONUS PARSH!

I wanted Grover to prove my theory as to why the Porsche tractor is just the best, but uh....

Why the Porsche Tractor Is the Best Porsche of All Time

November 5, 2019 - Stef Schrader

With winter already here, most of us are beginning to think about those long, tough months ahead. The days are getting shorter, and the snow is beginning to fall. With winter comes the question of how to keep up with the time zone changes, but also how to keep up with the snow pile.

No matter how much you love automobiles, they can seem a little intimidating when it comes to skiing or playing golf. To keep up with the season, Porsche has engineered new products.

Introducing new off-road versions of their Turbo Cayenne and the Panamera. Continuing to update the models with more features and technology that suit your needs.

Porsche’s newest offering for next year includes two new professional off-road vehicles: the Cayenne TurboÚ 4x4 and the Panamera GTSÚ 4x4. Porsche has some never before seen features and prices are going to be steep.

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The Cayenne Turbo 4x4 is equipped with Porsche’s Superior Multi-Terrain Mode. The Turbo 4x4 version of the Cayenne is better equipped than most 4x4 models on the market with their Technology Package that allows you to set your factory off-road driving mode.

Just click the three horizontal boxes on the left side of the vehicle and you will be able to adjust everything from steering, suspension, electronics, and the turbo option as needed.

Porsche Turbo 4x4 also features CrossLane 4WD which will allow for overdriven turns and certain downhill speeds. It is developed from 4WD to make it more efficient and smoother for all off-road driving and can help you navigate traffic and icy or rutted roads.

You can modify the vehicle with the upholstery, the headlights, the spoiler, and rear valence. The lightweight aluminum body uses low iron suspension bars that can be stretched further to further allow for off-road driving. The large Porsche Coupe Tires allowed by the car are still durable and allow for going over higher off-road speeds than is typical for conventional 4x4 tires.

The only major complaint that the 4x4 variant of the Cayenne has is that it is equipped only with a standard petrol engine, however, there is an option for a diesel engine if you wish to have that, this will allow for even lower emissions and start times.

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The Panamera GTS, 4x4 continues the tradition of off-road engines with a high performance variant with twin-turbo V8 engine. The engine is armed with the latest knockout technology such as the Spyder Ring Out intake, the TwinAir exhaust, and the Injection Lock.

This car will not only handle extremely well off-road, but it will also let you travel to any destination with ease.

It is equipped with the dual exhaust system that allows for the softening of the sound as well as enhancing the soundscape. Additional to these features, it includes the Porsche Communication Management system which allows you to add G-Tronic Plus, a new Eco Chrono system, cruise control and personal radio tuning.

The driver can also use the white teardrop turn indicators to provide both visual and audible confirmation of what the driver has decided.

Inside the cabin, there is a large touchscreen display, which is swivelable through 180 degrees. It also has large clear glass on both sides.

Additionally, if you take out the wheels, the center console is entirely flat, allowing for easy entry and exit. There is also a large glove box that is easy to open and even easier to remove.

The exterior of the car features a soft white bi-xenon headlamp system that glows in dark colors for nighttime driving. It also incorporates 23,200 LED dot matrix units that will increase visibility when driving around the open road.

Well, this ended up sounding like the world’s weirdest press release that doesn’t even spend hardly any time at all talking about Porsche tractors. Are most Porsche articles on the internet really this dry? (Spoiler: Yes.)

I’m here for an off-roading Panamera, though. Bring me the Panamera GTS 4x4.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 08:50

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“ The first occurred in 1991 when a Puffalump came to a sudden stop and a child’s feet became stuck in the car’s floor.”

Chuckles > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 08:58

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“a Puffalump version of the Cadillac Escalade came out in 2009.”

Yes.

Stef Schrader > Chuckles 11/05/2019 at 09:00

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heck yes, my dudes

AkursedX > Chuckles 11/05/2019 at 09:02

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I imagine it would be a nice, smooth comfortable ride and score excellent in crash ratings.  But good luck trying to keep it clean and stain-free.

Stef Schrader > AkursedX 11/05/2019 at 09:04

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The stains are stock on every 2009 Escalade, I’m afraid.

AkursedX > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 09:06

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Rational people might say these AI articles aren’t anywhere close to taking over the journalism world.  But the reality is that these articles are probably read more thoroughly and completely that the majority of human-written articles.  It’s like the text version of a trainwreck: you can’t look away.

This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 09:15

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Urambo Tauro > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 09:17

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The driver can also use the white teardrop turn indicators to provide both visual and audible confirmation of what the driver has decided.

Tell me more about these strange and wonderful devices.

Shift24 > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 09:28

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Im sorry but I’m more of a Cayenne TurboÚ 4x4 kind of guy with 3 horizontal boxes on the left side.

Also that jargon about the Panamera engine sounds like it actually could be a thing, especially with the random names automakers come up with.

“ Twin air exhaust” and the sentence about exhaust after sound straight from a press release 

thejustache > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 09:30

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Whether it’s keeping parents up at night and being the “night bus” for kids to sleep in, or replacing their parents when he or she gets hurt while driving, the Puffalump is a great diversion for them during those long car rides.

This is both deeply ominous and intriguing

benn454 > AkursedX 11/05/2019 at 09:57

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They at least have entertainment value, which you can’t always say of their human-written counterparts. 

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 10:00

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So you ga ve it a headline and pointed it to your Kinja site, and it did the rest? Crazy...

Stef Schrader > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 11/05/2019 at 10:37

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Yup!

PatBateman > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 10:41

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Dammit, Stef, STAHP.  This is how SkyNet learns. 

Stef Schrader > This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: 11/05/2019 at 10:42

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thanks, I love it

Stef Schrader > PatBateman 11/05/2019 at 11:03

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If we feed Skynet a diet of exclusively cuddly toys, though, w hat are the robots going to do? H ug my bunny?

Meotter96 > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 13:44

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I may have almost perished due to uncontrollable laughter after generating this one.

jalopnik.com

How to successfully fart in an Alfa Romeo 4C Spyder

November 5, 2019 - Alanis King

While you’re probably looking at the two Alfa Romeo 4C Spyder Spyder with its glowing racing number 7 in your rearview mirror, breathe deeply and then shoot some air at it.

Here’s a three-step guide to how you can successfully fart in an Alfa Romeo 4C Spyder Spyder.

Step 1. Get in the driver’s seat. When you’re ready, squeeze the brake and accelerate the engine quickly. At the same time, squeeze the brake all the way down to the floor.

Step 2. At this point, put your foot firmly on the floor and then push the gas all the way to the floor and forth. At this point you will hear a very loud and distinctly leg-rattling sound.

Step 3. At the end of the rumble you will feel the slow fade away of the exhaust. Step 4. You will feel like the vaporized gas has just blown straight through your skin. Gasp for air and breathe deeply as your air balloons back into your lungs. Feel nothing but air all the way to your mid-section.

What do you need to know about getting a hard and fast fart sound?

Step 1: One strike down An actor or actress can act with her voice, but outbursts of sound are harder for humans to make. Alfa Romeo decided to combine a powerful and heart-pounding rumble with a naturally occurring restlessness. “You know you’re not alone in that quiet and breathless moment as you realize the volume in your field of vision has just increased from those familiar birdsong sounds,” said Marc Maxted, Advanced Materials Manager, Quality Assurance. “That’s the point of the 3C Spyder, one strike down! You’ll feel it rung inside you as the momentum accelerates, and the unreal sensation that is in your chest will grow larger.” From a consumer standpoint, the best way to execute this feat is by holding the right foot to the floor and right hand in its mouth, starting with the floor. This requires more experience because the four or five or 10 or 15 air passages a person might have to the chest all have to be focused.

Step 2: Focus The amount of air being released varies depending on the atmospheric pressure at the area of the pit chamber, but on average, a human can release between 100 and 150 cubic centimeters of air (cubic centimeters). Your head doesn’t have to be completely upright; the farting blocks the whole face with air.

Step 3: All the way down For a sound between 100 and 150 cubic centimeters you’ll have to make sure you jump the curve of the bar or set jump gate. That means you can’t take the whole technique one step further. “Repeat this again and again and repeat this a little farther down until you feel it travel through you,” said Maxted. “At this point, you’re breathing as hard as you can. The exhaust engines would need to be running and ready to go. Of course, you can go no higher than this speed without reaching the brake pressure limits or if you are at a rally event, participating in the actual racing would make you commit a racing violation. So, you need to stay below the speed limit.” - Alanis King

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PatBateman > Stef Schrader 11/05/2019 at 18:33

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HuNT your bunny.

DO YOU SEE?!?!

Stef Schrader > PatBateman 11/06/2019 at 08:10

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If anything, Skynet needs to fear the Puffalump, not the other way around.

Stef Schrader > Meotter96 11/06/2019 at 08:12

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Oh man, poor Alanis!

That’s hilarious. This tool may be my new favorite.