"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/01/2019 at 13:48 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, satire
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"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/01/2019 at 13:48 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, satire | 9
| 10 |
After more than a decade of headwinds, including two changes in ownership and several scandals, Mitsubishi Motors will turn over a controlling stake in the firm to Boston Private Equity firm Modest Mountain Partners. The investors purchased the stake for an undisclosed amount from current owners Renault-Nissan Alliance.
The Outlander PHEV follows Modest Mountain’s mantra “White and in Charge”
Modest Mountain, best known for prior startups in the herbal supplement industry, immediately summarized its intended changes for Mitsubishi, all of which will be implemented within the next six months:
Name will immediately change to F utatsubishi , reducing diamonds by over 33%.
Product lines from air conditioners to car audio will be eliminated, allowing firm to stick to cars.
0% financing to be extended up to 96 months for all credit scores over 500
Core management teams to be replaced by clapping monkey, drinking bird novelties.
The presumptive new President of Mitsubishi, Jake Smallfella, took to Twitter to further delineate his plans for the automaker, explaining that it will soon be made up of five to seven highly-focused car models.
Smallfella explained “We want one aimed at the blacks, one aimed at the broads, maybe one for the incels and the geeks. Plus just some random [stuff] in bright colors to keep the rest of the sheeple happy.”
He continued “Our greatly expanded engineering staff in India will make sure the volume of cars exceeds its historical pace, and we have no concerns about quality at this time. It’s a slam dunk.”
No further details are available yet, as Spanfella has blocked all comments and feedback since the announcement.
Cash Rewards
> Ash78, voting early and often
11/01/2019 at 13:54 |
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+1
Aremmes
> Ash78, voting early and often
11/01/2019 at 13:58 |
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Name will immediately change to Hutatsubishi , reducing stars by over 33%.
They’re three diamonds , not stars. Otherwise, LOL.
/ “
fu
tatsu", btw
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Ash78, voting early and often
> Aremmes
11/01/2019 at 14:05 |
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Thanks...I was thinking about Hitotsu-, but that would be WAY too much cutting. For now. :)
M.T. Blake
> Ash78, voting early and often
11/01/2019 at 14:25 |
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You forgot to mention from the press release that the EVO will be returning, but it will be available though a promotion from Juul through a proof of purchase contest. The Juul branded EVOs will sport a diesel fueled flat-four with no smog regulations. They’ll blow smoke clouds like their owners!
Brian, The Life of
> M.T. Blake
11/01/2019 at 14:45 |
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And it will be an electric “SUV”
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Brian, The Life of
> Ash78, voting early and often
11/01/2019 at 14:46 |
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Delightfully topical! 10/10 would read again!
Spanfeller is a twat
> Ash78, voting early and often
11/01/2019 at 14:58 |
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Stick to the PHEVs.
WilliamsSW
> Ash78, voting early and often
11/01/2019 at 16:19 |
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And the new Mitsubishi comes automatically with Farmers Insurance. Non-cancellable.
Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks
> Ash78, voting early and often
11/01/2019 at 17:15 |
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When will they unveil their new 3 herbs logo?
(BTW, you’re all welcome to hang with us on the Splinter/Deadspin/etc. refugee Discord. https://discord.gg/2WqEHHM )
pip bip - choose Corrour
> Ash78, voting early and often
11/01/2019 at 17:16 |
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at least Indi a is better than China