I Need Some Help/Support

"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390) 09/13/2018 at 16:35 • Filed to: Oppohelp

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Had a low moment last night. I’m pretty sure I’m becoming an alcoholic or in the early stages of alcoholism. I only started drinking and buying liquor this past fall. Whenever I buy a bottle of whiskey/bourbon, I usually finish it within the week or days. I rely on it a lot in social situations and when I’m having a hard or stressful day. I bought a bottle Sunday, finished it last night, and lied to my mother about not finishing the bottle and have frequently hidden my consumptio n habits because I didn’t want her to worry.

For reasons not necessary to share, I won’t be able to see my therapist until November, and I’ve promised friends I wouldn’t touch liquor for 30 days starting today.

And now I’m at a loss. How am I gonna function in social situations now? Liquor removed my anxiety and fear in situations I would just stay silent in the corner and second guess myself . It gave me freedom to talk to girls without worrying about what could possibly go wrong . And if I got rejected (more a matter of when), it made my evenings carefree so I wouldn’t have to feel hurt by it and/or get over it faster and feel better about myself .

In recent times I’d been making strides at being a better person, going to the gym 3-4 days a week, and being more social on campus. The friends I do have mostly go to bars and pubs on weekends, what am I supposed to do being the only person not drinking? I have to do the 30 days; I don’t like to make promises I can’t keep. I just wish I had the courage and audacity naturally.

So yeah. I hope things don’t get worse over the next month...

punkgoose17 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 16:41

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I am having a similar problem with stress and anxiety and using liquor to control it. I drank much to much on Monday. I am trying to limit myself more when I do drink and to just not drink period on some days including sometimes when I go out.

bob and john > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 16:44

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get a sprite or something while at the social stuff. or root beer. keep your hands busy and cup full.

Nibby > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 16:44

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Take this with a grain of salt cause I have never touched a sip of alcohol in my 27 years. But you need to practice self discipline. It’s good you’ve already put a ban on alcohol for 30 days, but you need to carry it out. Instead of stressing about how you’ll enjoy yourself without alcohol, try focusing on more important issues you’re dealing with - your anxiety, loneliness, etc. Give less fucks about drinking cause at the end of the day that’s only going to make you avoid your problems as a cheap pleasure... and that’s the gateway to self-destruction.

Substitute alcohol for healthier drinks you like, eg. V8 Splash or juice or water, etc.

Reward yourself, eg. if you go a week without it, treat yourself to ice cream or a nice dinner. Do NOT give in to temptation to drink. And when you get the chance, talk to your therapist about your drinking habit and tell him/her you want to be able to control it. After this 30 day ban, feel free to drink in MODERATION but drinking to excess/get drunk/to have fun will do way more harm than good in the long run.

You don’t need alcohol to have fun or talk to girls. That’s a shitty, fucking horrible marketing scheme Western culture has developed and unfortunately you see it everywhere on TV, commercials, ads, movies, etc. Plus, think of all the money you save.

My bird IS the word > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 16:47

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Well, you either care about your alcoholism or you don't. If you struggle in social situations,  that's just something that you will have to live with. I drink and still struggle, but then I am usually in control.  The fact you even have to question your decision is worrisome.  Get the help first.

Duck Duck Grey Duck FTMFW! > Nibby 09/13/2018 at 16:48

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I 100% agree with what Nibby said. I have also never drank in my whole life. You don’t need the alcohol for fun. Really commit to what he said here. 

razorbeamteam > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 16:48

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I drink socially and agree it definitely helps to reduce the anxiety. It took me a while to realize though, that I just don’t like being in social situations. Personally, I feel uncomfortable at parties with a lot of people, so I don’t attend them. I am at peace with it despite people thinking I’m antisocial.  

I would take these 30 days to evaluate what makes you happy, what you want to do with your time, and what type of person you are. Mindfulness, that is being aware of your present moment only, is a truly powerful concept as corny as it sounds. It’s helped me out a lot by just asking myself things like “what am I doing right now? Is this what I want to do? What do I feel like I need or want right at this moment?” Answering them honestly can help you realize what may be missing in your life, and get you back to living on your own terms. 

Just my two cents, and I hope you’re ok going through whatever you’re dealing with. 

WilliamsSW > bob and john 09/13/2018 at 16:50

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Excellent advice-  - I used to do that in my college years.  One point I’d add, though - I’d recommend a non-caffeinated drink, whatever you pick.  Caffeine is liable to make the nerves even worse.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 16:55

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tbh... what you should do is keep going out with your friends.. and dont drink

theres no more powerfull way of getting yourself of f booze than being around drunks when your sober and thinking... oh shit... im like that?

course i say that as a person that couldnt follow his own advice.

im still struggling with not drinking weekdays

other than that... nibby is mostly right

Chuckles > Nibby 09/13/2018 at 16:59

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As a 32 year old who used to drink a lot but now just has the occasional beer, 100% this. You definitely don't need alcohol. 

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Nibby 09/13/2018 at 17:00

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I agree with Nibby. A great trick for work functions is to look  like you are drinking (v8, sparkling water, coke) but don’t actually drink.

and 100 more > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:01

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And now I’m at a loss. How am I gonna function in social situations now? Liquor removed my anxiety and fear in situations I would just stay silent in the corner and second guess myself. It gave me freedom to talk to girls without worrying about what could possibly go wrong. And if I got rejected (more a matter of when), it made my evenings carefree so I wouldn’t have to feel hurt by it and/or get over it faster and feel better about myself.

Let’s reframe the situation, flip your mindset :

No, man, that was all you . Alcohol gave you something to blame if things went wrong, if the result wasn’t what you wanted it to be, but inebriated or not, YOU were free to pursue conversations and social situations with the feeling that alcohol was a nice buffer in case shit got too real.

So, take that power you already have, and recognize it.

Because alcohol evaporates, man. It has no power over you, only what you grant it.

Will it be awkward dealing with those same situations without the alcohol? Of course. But you ha ve already done those things, felt those things, said those things. Now you’re just taking the training wheels off.

You got this, man! Stick to your 30 days, then see how much longer you can stick it out.

Consider yourself accountable for it now. Oppo will  be watching. :)

Textured Soy Protein > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:03

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Drinking makes you out of control. If you’re going to use a substance to help with anxiety, a nxiety pills and/or weed are better.

(Now that weed is legal in DC I often encounter people vaping THC oil out in public without a care in the world.)

benjrblant > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:05

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Social situations such as a date are one thing, but social situations hanging out with your friends are different. If you’ve got some true friends, they’d be supportive and understanding with your concerns and should also be cool hanging out at a place that’s not a bar. If your friends are peer pressuring you to drink, you might revisit why they’re considered friends in the first place but that’s another discussion.

If you need a ‘cover’ to not drink in a social setting, offer to be someone’s designated driver. Make ‘early plans tomorrow morning’ that you need to be attentive for. Keep a busy schedule, do constructive and beneficial things. Alcoholism is no joke and can wreck your life for years to come. You’re on the right track by nipping it in the bud. Surround yourself with good and supportive people. Stay busy. Take good care of yourself.

Meeting new people on dates can be daunting and stressful, but don’t give them the power over you to make your entire weekend and night miserable if it doesn’t pan out. 

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Nibby 09/13/2018 at 17:07

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I’ve been trying to focus on the issues I have. I don’t really know how to do so without structure or a plan. And without seeing or talking to my therapist for two months, I’m lost.

I have no choice but to substitut e alcohol for healthier drinks. Which is only water because I don’t like to drink pop or soda really. I don’t have a plan for after 30 days either.

I   couldn’t talk to girls without it, and girls don’t talk to me with or without it it seems. So I guess it won’t help regardl ess. In my social experience, western culture adheres pretty damn true to what you describe.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > bob and john 09/13/2018 at 17:07

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I don’t really drink soda or pop, so all I can have is water, tea, or coffee...

Chuckles > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:07

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First off, I applaud you for recognizing that your drinking is becoming a problem. That’s a huge deal that a lot of people can’t ever acknowledge.

I’m 32 and I drink socially, but in my early twenties I drank a lot. Like too much. And Nibby and others are spot on, you don’t need that shit. Fuck peer pressure and fuck people who give you shit for not drinking.

30 days is a good start. It’s just 30 days. You can do that. You talked about worrying about rejection. You know the best way to avoid getting rejected at a bar? Stop trying to pick up women at the bar. Like really focus on self improvement for a while. If you don’t ask anybody out, they can’t shoot you down and you won’t feel the urge to drink. You’ve got to find a way to be happy being single. I’m not saying become a monk, but just put that shit  on hold for now. I’m dead serious when I say that the only times I’ve ended up in relationships were the times that I wasn’t actively trying. Do what makes you happy. Hang out with friends.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > razorbeamteam 09/13/2018 at 17:09

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I want to be in those situations because that’s the only way I’ll be able to get to where and what I want in life.

I don’t know if I’m mindful or not.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 09/13/2018 at 17:09

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I’m usually the only person who’s drunk tbh....

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > and 100 more 09/13/2018 at 17:14

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I never blamed alcohol for anything. I always blame myself when something goes wrong.

I’ve done all those things without success. As far as I’m knowing, those training wheels will never go away. The awkwardness will never go away, I wish I was like others that seemingly can just ignore it.

I know that I’m more than accountable now. I’ll be a failure if I can’t do it.

bob and john > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:14

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dont drink that for health or just for taste? if its just for taste, well, it looks like you can pick that up, as its certianly better then alcohol.

Nibby > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:18

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be yourself, don’t worry about how girls will react. if you worry what others think about you, you’ll drive yourself crazy and go down a deep hole that’s very hard to dig out of. you need to pull yourself up and stop feeling sorry for yourself... maybe try this book. i’ve been reading it recently and found it to be quite helpful. it’s gonna take time and effort and you’ll have to force yourself to be uncomfortable and face the unfathomable truths and demons we all try to hide from but if you stay persistent you will be a much stronger, better, impervious person

https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:18

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know that feel....

but if thats the case they at least wont have a problem with you not drinking

sooo... thats half the problem being gone

that just leaves finding the fun and social skills whilst sober........ i havent worked that part out yet... fun i can find... but im perfectly happy being quiet in a corner and listening to everyone... and my social skills are shite

i really cant give you any advice on that part

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > benjrblant 09/13/2018 at 17:18

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No dates for me, can’t get one, never had one, sober or not . We really don’t have any other places to go other than bars or pubs, and there’s no one pressuring me to drink. I take full responsibility for my choosing to drink.

I’ll do the best I can.

Where have all the lightweights gone? > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:22

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I’ve read through some of the comments others have suggested, and I agree with a lot of them. I also commend you for having this realization of things going south before they actually do go south.

I drank and partied (mostly) on the weekends in college. I stopped cold when someone I thought was my friend punched a hole in my apartment wall and refused to fix it. It revealed someone’s true colors to me, and unfortunately it was a costly way to figure it out .

After hosting that party, I didn’t drink (even socially) for 3-4 years. I took some time to think about what I wanted long-term, got around a group of people that didn’t drink (association is more powerful than you think), and applied myself toward something new.

That being said, I’m going to piggyback on a few suggestions others have made: Take the 30 days to do some evaluation of where you are, what you want, and figure out what makes you happy, and maybe even take inventory of your strengths ( This book & online test will open your eyes more than you think) . If you feel you are not on that track doing what you’re doing, seek other ways to do so.

Lastly, take stock of who your true friends are through this process. If your friends are supportive and want to include you in plans and/or go out of their way to enjoy time without booze involved, keep them around. If they give you a hard time and/or make fun of you for your decision, they can hit the bricks.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > bob and john 09/13/2018 at 17:22

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Mostly for health. Hypocritical, I’d rather have booze than soda, but now I’m not doing that. So I’ve just got water and juice .

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Nibby 09/13/2018 at 17:29

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I already know the world is a rather shitty place and very unfair and unforgiving and that’s not changing anytime soon. Just have to survive long enough.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Where have all the lightweights gone? 09/13/2018 at 17:32

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Oh no I’m still sure things are going somewhat south. I’m just slowing it down as much as I can until I finally stop giving a damn. We’ll see how it goes.

razorbeamteam > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:37

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I’m not sure what you mean by the first statement, but if you’re just talking about meeting women, then nothing could be further from the truth. Not sure if it’s the most relevant for your situation, but d on’t compromise who you are to get what you want. If you’re concerned about your health and happiness, then you can afford to put stuff on hold for a while so you can have time to get back to center.

Not much to mindfulness, just a very basic and approachable meditation technique. Again, I know it sounds corny as hell, but it really can do a lot for you. You’d be surprised at what 5 minutes of closing your eyes, and blocking out anything that’ s happened before this moment and anything that might happen in the future can do for your psyche.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:38

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You can ask for tonic and a lime.

benjrblant > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:42

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Do what it takes.

someassemblyrequired > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 17:45

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Most people in social situations don’t care if you drink, in fact they’re happy if you’ll be the DD . No one cares if it’s just Pepsi or ginger ale in the tumbler. Go and have fun and don’t worry about being the one not drinking.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > razorbeamteam 09/13/2018 at 17:51

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I have to be social to find new opportunities of all kinds. They’re not just gonna come to me (tho it seems like it’s the case for plenty others...But that doesn’t matter). I’m incapable of meeting women so I’m trying to ignore that.

I’ve tried meditation before and it never sticks. i just can’t be quiet and sit in a dark room. It’s frustrating.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 09/13/2018 at 17:54

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I hate tonic if there’s no gin.

Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 18:00

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Interesting and unfortunate situation and I commend you for going cold turkey for a month. I do the same about once a year to prove that I can (I drink quite a bit on the weekends, but rarely during the week.)

Anyway, when I’m not drinking or don’t want to drink (but know I might) I’ll volunteer to DD/ sober drive for my friends. This gives me a concrete secondary reason not to drink and hasn’t failed me yet. Unfortunately the consequence for failure is high.

Oh and also as you don’t seem to like soda, maybe try soda water? It’ll give you something to do with your hands/mouth, which is a large part of drinking weirdly, and the bubbles make it harder to drink quickly/ too much so you won’t be going for a refill and/or peeing every 30 seconds .

As for socially, I’ve found having a good “ wing-man” is helpful. Basically a more social friend that you hang around and makes your silence seem less weird. You can occasionally interject into the conversion, but mostly it gives you a chance to be social without having to start or carry a conversation. If you have someone like that in your friend circle, it might be w orth a shot anyway.

Mercedes Streeter > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 18:13

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It’s not an easy place to be in. I still am in a similar spot with an eating disorder. I’ve spent the past 24 hours panicking that I destroyed my liver trying to undo the damage from eating too much. One of these days I may end up being right...

I will be frank in that confidence is sexy. From having lived on both sides of the “fence” I can say with near certainty that nothing works better than confidence. And the weird thing is that people can tell how confident you are long before you open your mouth. It’s weird how in being confident I am able to get people to ignore my “Bugs Bunny” teeth, or the fact that I weigh more than 200. How do you become confident? Idk, it basically took me taking on a new me and a lot of pills.

In the meantime, you got this! Find non-alcohol ways to be social! :) I know a guy who basically just sips on a tea when he goes out. We all understand and support him. If anything, his good choice to have a tea instead of blowing a Benjamin on alcohol makes us envious of his mountain of restraint.

Sovande > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 18:14

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If you don’t want to drink in bars, don’t go to bars. People telling you to go and just drink water or whatever else are well intentioned and wrong. The last place you will find someone who is serious about not drinking is at a bar. It’s not about testing yourself. It’s about not drinking. If you had a problem with donuts, you wouldn’t hang at the donut shop.

I’ve been sober about 6.5 years after spending most of the 20 years prior to that drinking. In a bar, in room, on a porch at the beach, didn’t matter. I was drinking. It didn’t need well. There was jail, there were attorneys, there was rehab and there was a lot of self doubt and a lot of pain. I don’t suggest it as a life choice .

If you are seriously concerned about your drinking and you seriously want to change it, the best thing you can do is head down to an AA meeting and sit and listen. If you like it, go back. If you don’t, go back until you do. You can find a list of meetings online or you can email and I will help you find one. I am not a huge AA person, but I do know that the support there is invaluable. Without the help of a bunch of strangers shaking my hand and thanking me for coming to sit in a room I would probably still be drinking.

Feel free to email me. My name is Matt. I'm an alcoholic. 

Misterstrachan@gmail.com.  

Sovande > Textured Soy Protein 09/13/2018 at 18:24

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What? Is this real advice? 

Sovande > My bird IS the word 09/13/2018 at 18:26

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This is solid, actually helpful advice. 

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Akio Ohtori - RIP Oppo 09/13/2018 at 18:42

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It’s worth a try.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 18:49

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When it comes to the social situations, I have definitely felt the need to drink to be there and the answer is easy/nigh impossible - those aren’t the social situations you should be in. Whether the reason is because you’re carrying baggage from another part of your life or the situation itself is provoking the want to drink, that’s kinda the root of it right there on the social front.

When you’re alone, I found out in college that the WORST thing to do is just to drink because you don’t have any plans or things to do. Maybe it’s just me but the surest way to not drink too much is to have something to do or even just keep my hands active. I sometimes draw or paint or just dick around with image editing software or read or something and even if I’m “drinking” it only ever amounts to a beer or two since I’m preoccupied with some thing else so I’m not just mainlining booze.

And as for being able to socially dri nk without going overboard (assuming that you decide it is healthy to continue) I recommend finding a bar that doesn’t want people who get sloppy drunk. Find a palce where the staff care enough that if you say “Hey, I just want one tonight so if I try to order something else, can you just deliver the check please?”. That’s the brewery I visit. I tend to say I only want one or two before I leave. If I’m in a conversation or something after my second and want to stay, they know to instead hand me the ice cream menu so I get an ice cream or something like that instead. 

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Sovande 09/13/2018 at 18:49

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There’s nowhere else I can think to go to meet people. Not that I’ve ever met anyone at a bar. There’s nowhere else to go other than staying home in that case.

I don’t know if my drinking is bad enough to require AA, but it’s worth considering.

Sovande > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 18:57

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The idea is that it doesn’t get bad enough that you are court ordered to go or that things get so out of hand that you can't imagine your life without it. It’s not a mark of shame to have a problem and it’s not a badge of honor to not drink all by yourself . White knuckling anything sucks.

The hardest part about not drinking, for me, was realizing how hopelessly lost I was. How deeply hurt I had become and how much I needed the help of others. It’s not weakness to reach out. It’s the exact polar opposite of that.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 09/13/2018 at 18:59

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I’ve only been sloppy drunk once and that wasn’t in a bar. I’ve never been that bad since then.

B ut you’re right. I really don’t have anything else to occupy my evenings on weekends. I hate being alone and I know it’s a part of life. One of those baggage things. Always baggage.

Your strategies are good to remember.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Sovande 09/13/2018 at 19:05

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The way I’ve experienced it, it is shameful to have problems. Problems hurt your chances of getting the things you want in life even when you solve them. Not all of them, but the problems I have I feel are like that.

I’m somewhat self aware enough to know i have problems and i’m lost in some aspects of life. I have hurt and I do hurt. But most people don’t care. They only see it as a reason to not help you and stay away; lest you poison them with your negativity like a disease. And that makes you not wanna open up and trust others because why would you? No one wants to date a problem or even give them breath.

nj959 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 19:18

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Unfortunately I have quite a lot of experience in this arena, so I’m going to try to give you some advice. I can’t realistically give you the best advice in the world since I don’t really know you, but I hope it’s worth something.

In my experience, drugs and alcohol are never the problem. They’re symptoms. They’re shitty band aids that people apply to avoid the real problem that just end up making it worse. I did so for years. If drugs and alcohol disappeared from the world, active addicts and alcoholics (really they’re one and the same) would just turn to something else, whether its gambling, sex, or shit, even gaming.

From what you wrote here today, it sounds like you’re at a tipping point. The fact that you took the time to make a post questioning whether or not you’re an alcoholic makes it pretty clear to me that you’re an alcoholic. I can’t tell you exactly why you’re using alcohol and what problems you’re covering up with it. Frankly, you may not even know. It’s amazing how good we are at blinding ourselves. However, you’re going to need to figure it out. Even if you don’t descend into full blown, blackout alcoholism, it won’t really matter. You clearly aren’t happy with the status quo, and that’s not going to change if you don’t change it.

I’m going to tell you something you probably don’t want to hear: The 30 days of abstinence will accomplish nothing. I should know, I’ve done exactly the same thing. As have countless others. You can sit there and white-knuckle the next month but it won’t make a difference when October 13th rolls around. You will not wake up one morning with an epiphany of how to be happy or confident and never abuse alcohol ever again. That’s not how life works.

As for what I recommend, I have a few ideas. Number one is taking life a day at a time. This is essential, but easier said than done. I have three years sober, and I still don’t plan to be sober at the end of the month. I plan to be sober at the end of the day. It’s way too overwhelming to do anything more than that. So tomorrow, when you wake up don’t think about the next thirty days, just think about Friday. Go about your day, keep yourself busy, and I promise you it will be easier to keep yourself out of the bottle if you aren’t thinking about how you’ll have to do it 29 more times. Then, at the end of the day, reflect on your day. Some people find this easier than others, and can do it purely in their head. I cannot. I highly recommend writing about it. You don’t need to write a novel. Just write down one thing that made you happy and what you did to make it happen, and one thing that made you sad, anxious, or angry and what you did to make it happen. Try to avoid labeling things as good or bad. Focus on how you felt about them. You’ll find that many things you think of as bad will not seem so bad when you focus on how you react to them emotionally. That schmuck who cut you off in traffic? Seems unambiguously bad, doesn’t it? Guess what, if you focus on how you reacted with anger, and why you reacted with anger, you will start to see that it’s not a big deal. Then, once you start reacting differently, the event will no longer be a negative experience, at least not negative enough to matter.

When you wake up the day after, think about how the previous day went. Did you go to sleep feeling better than you usually do, especially after reflecting on your day? Well, I’m pretty confident that you will, so guess what you’re doing again! The same thing! You don’t have to worry about the next day, just the day you’re living. Do this for long enough and it becomes habit. How long is long enough you may ask? Don’t fuckin’ worry about it, it’s different for everyone anyway.

I also think that you need to find at least one person who you can talk to. It really doesn’t matter who. You mentioned that you’ll be seeing a therapist in November and that’s great. Many people, myself included, have gained a lot from talking to a professional. However, I also think it’s important to have someone you know personally and can trust that you can talk to about this stuff, especially since you won’t be able to see your therapist for the next month and a half. It can be a close friend, a family member, a religious leader (if you’re religious, I personally am not but I’m not going to deny that it has been helpful to many people). You don’t want to approach this person with the mindset of “Here’s my problem, please fix me”. Just shoot the shit with them. Tell them what you’ve been struggling with, and even if they can’t give you a solution, just knowing that other people care about you is incredibly calming to hear. I think that living exclusively in one’s own head is very dangerous for anyone. That’s not to say you can’t spend time alone, and I place a lot of value on time that I am able to spend alone and wind down, but don’t isolate yourself.

If you don’t have anyone that you can call up tomorrow, a meeting is a good alternative. AA, NA, whatever you can make it to. The people there will be perfectly happy to listen to what you have to say. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing in front of a group, talk to someone before or after the meeting. If you find that the people there are super pushy or preachy, go to another one. You will find someone worth talking to eventually. Hearing another person’s perspective is invaluable. You may find that you really enjoyed the meeting and want to get more involved, and that would be great. You may find that it’s not your cup of tea, and that’s perfectly fine too. It’s not your only option.

To summarize:

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Take it a day at a time

Reflect on your day before you go to sleep, and I highly recommend writing about it

Find someone you can confide in

I really hope that I didn’t come off as preachy. This is your life and no one can tell you how to live it. All I can tell you is that I related to a lot of what you wrote regarding social anxiety and drinking to relieve stress. I was once at the same point you are now, and over the next several years I came very close to ending my life. That may or may not be the same for you, but it’s worth taking seriously. I hope that either you or someone else can find some value in what I wrote, and if you have any questions, please ask.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 19:26

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Didn’t really drink until I hit 22, had my first hangover, swore to quit really driking hard and at ever social occasion from there on out. Keep something im your hand: sprite, water, juice, soda, etc when youre out.

I tell my friends to fuck off when they get mad at me for not “drinking with the boys”, but you cant let peer pressure dictate you. Ill drink occasionally for a party and maybe I’ll go hard, bu I’ve learned self control. Ill drink one beer perhaps once out of every 100 times I’m out with friends. 

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 09/13/2018 at 19:30

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I’ve never had a hangover. Never woken up with a headache.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 19:38

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It’s the worst thing in the world and was my kick in the ass to curb my habits.

I drink water when im out with friends these days as a reminder

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > nj959 09/13/2018 at 19:46

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Yeah I’ve got baggage and problems from years and for years that I can’t ever seem to fix. And it pisses me off and stresses me to no end. In the past I’ve come close to ending my life but never following through. I’m in a better place than I was 3-4 years ago. I solved a couple, even remedied a few. The ones I can’t/haven’t fixed are the ones that hurt the most.

I’m content with some aspects of my life, I’m content with living life, I’m frustrated with what I can’t get outta life. You’re right that 30 days will probably accomplish nothing, I’m still gonna do it to keep my promise. I don’t expect a an epiphany or a miracle to happen at the end, it can’t hurt.

I white knuckle a lotta things because I don’t believe it can be helped. Whether it’s because I won’t allow myself to be helped or it conflicts with what I want is another problem too.

I do a lot of living in my head. I hate being alone. I’m at my best when I ’m in a social situation even if it’s bad. Idk how to do one day at a time. I use to write in a journal and stopped when I got busier, stayed up later and got tired.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 19:55

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Maybe with some cranberry/orange/pineapple juice. 

Sovande > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 20:05

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Nope. That first paragraph you wrote is the opposite of how things really work. I did some fucked up things. Things that put me in jail for a bit, probation for a few years and so full of shame it physically hurt . That’s not the part that matters. The part that matters is how you deal with those setbacks and how you learn from them.

The only thing that matters is how you are. How you feel and how you are doing. Every other thing is completely irrelevant. Jobs don’t matter, friends don’t matter, nothing matters except for you feeling good about you. You can’t do anything else without that. Its a process and it’s one you have to take on with all of the fear and the insecurity you have. You need to ask for a hand every time you are down. Someone will help you up, if they don’t, fuck them and ask the next person. 

Textured Soy Protein > Sovande 09/13/2018 at 20:32

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* I am not a licensed mental health professional.

Chuckles > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 20:35

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Hangovers tend to get worse with age. You keep drinking the same amount, but then one day you wake up 5 years from now and realize that you can't drink like that anymore. For me it was sometime between the ages of 27-32. If I have 3-4 drinks, I'm aware of it the next day. If I have 7-8 drinks, I won't function the next day.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Chuckles 09/13/2018 at 21:09

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can confirm...24 years old and will literally be a vegetable if I drink 7 drinks

Chuckles > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 09/13/2018 at 21:16

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I'm honestly at a point in my life where if I had any incentive to give up drinking entirely I could do it. But I still enjoy the occasional tasty beer and I don't drink to excess anymore so it's not really harmful.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Chuckles 09/13/2018 at 21:21

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I dont really do the beer and dinner thing, could probably go cold turkey without any issue. 

Sovande > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 21:34

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You can’t fix everything. All that shit that happened in the past is not the shit you need to worry about. It’s done. It’s over. You don’t have to be happy about it, but you do have to move on or it won’t get better. Take a breath. Relax. Read a book. None of this has to be solved today and the most amazing part of it all is that you had the balls to reach out. Not a lot of people have that kind of courage.

A quick note o n my experience with AA... I was really firmly in the camp that thought it was complete bullshit.  I went 5-6 days a week for a year because I was scared I would fuck everything up if I didn’t. The net result of that experience was that I met a bunch of strangers who helped me by just sitting still in a quiet room and listening. Not judging, not telling me my feelings were stupid, just listening. I tuned out the shit I didn't care for, and held onto the stuff that helped as tightly as I could. People will help you. They will be happy to. 

Bryan doesn't drive a 1M > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 21:44

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You’ve got a lot of good advice from Oppos in here. Good on you for recognizing a problem and doing what it takes to fix it.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Bryan doesn't drive a 1M 09/13/2018 at 21:46

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I don’t think I’ve done anything good really. I haven’t even fixed it.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 09/13/2018 at 21:48

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I could try.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Sovande 09/13/2018 at 21:51

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I know and agree. I feel like I have to solve it all right now or ASAP.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Sovande 09/13/2018 at 21:56

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Even if I ask for help, I feel I’ve been asking for the wrong things . I don’t know what to ask for. How would I want someone to help me, what would I want someone to help me with? I don’t know.

Sovande > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/13/2018 at 21:57

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Like nj959 said above, one day at a time. It's not a race. 

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Sovande 09/13/2018 at 22:16

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I’m not going to live forever, let alone stay young forever. I’ve missed out on so much as it stands compared to everyone else. Everyone else is doing what I want, haven’t, or can’t do I’m feeling and seeing.

Chuckles > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 09/13/2018 at 23:01

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Right. I could, I just don’t have a reason to. It wouldn’t be any different than trying to give up a particular food. I’d occasionally miss  it but I’d be fine.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 01:04

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In regard to being sloppy drunk, I meant that more as what the bar clientele is. A bar that accepts sloppy drunks, expects sloppy drunks. They will encourage drinking and will sometimes even give free drinks or discounts to push you to stay. Nice when you want it, but not nice if you’re trying to avoid that sort of thing. Thankfully, many places will not tolerate sloppy drunkenness and will instead encourage and even push for those who wish to be sober or just drink less.

This way, you can still be at a place that serves alcohol with friends and acquaintances and dates and whatnot but also be confident that you can make the choices you need to. 

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 09/14/2018 at 01:11

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Definitely never seen discounts or free drinks before, good thing I haven’t. Most local places aren’t for sloppy drunks from my experience.

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 07:09

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It is good you are trying to get help. A lot of universities offer free counsel ling that may get you in before Nov.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 09:07

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I just know it can be awkward if you’re the only one not drinking. Having a full drink in your hand all the time will prevent anyone from buying you one, or putting pressure on you.

Good on you for recognizing that you’ve got a problem. Stick to the 30 days for sure, and ease back really gently afterward (or stay “dry”, if you feel a lot better during this month, and think it’s a bad idea to even introduce a little alcohol).

A thought: friends that you don’t like hanging out with with they’re drinking may be friends you maybe don’t need to  be hanging out with anyway...

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 10:30

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“How am I gonna function in social situations now?”

You will function in a similar way you did with alcohol... with the difference being instead of medicating away the anxiety, you face it and overcome it.

And that takes practice.

I find what helps me is reminding myself “What’s the worst that could happen? At worst, I’ll get nowere. It’s not like I’m gonna get beheaded.”

OR... “I’m entering a social situation, not a war-situation where I have bullets flying over my head. Compared to people who had to deal with situations like that, I have it relatively easy.”

Also try no to focus on Big General Questions like “How am I gonna function?” where there is no specific answers.

You need to break it down to smaller, easier questions like:

1. What’s the first thing I’m gonna do at the party?

Take off my coat/shoes and say hello

2. What’s the next thing I’m gonna do?

Look for the people I know or the person who organized the party and thank them for inviting me.

3. Well what about after that?

Well that person who organized the party... ask them who everyone is.

4. What else can I do?

Maybe have a non-alcoholic drink like a Shirley Temple or a cranberry-and-club-soda.

5. How the hell do I make a Shirley Temple?

Look it up, bring the stuff needed to make them to the party. Make them for yourself and other people. Ask people what they thing... and the conversation carries from there . Maybe look up other weird non-alcoholic drinks and make those for yourself and others at the party. And that can lead to more conversation. Hell, have a conversation of “sucks I can’t drink tonight since I have to drive to work/see family/whatever early tomorrow morning” or something like that.

“what am I supposed to do being the only person not drinking?”

You do all the same things... only with a non-alcoholic drink in your hands. If people ask, tell them you have to be up early the next morning or you have drive after or something like that. They’ll understand. And if they give you a hard time about not drinking after you tell them something like that, they’re assholes and you’re better off without them.

“I have to do the 30 days; I don’t like to make promises I can’t keep. I just wish I had the courage and audacity naturally.”

Nah... you have a lot more than 30 days. And personally, I don’t agree with the AA bullshit that “you must have absolutely no alcohol to succeed”. I disagree with it because it shocks the body and it sets an unreasonably high bar.

And y ou’re replacing one extreme with another... when in reality, you need balance. Balance in the sense you can have the odd drink but you’re in control... it doesn’t control you. You don’t need it.

Here is some of the latest ways for helping people with bad alcohol addiction... and it doesn’t involve going completely dry:

https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/managed-alcohol-programs-canada-australia-1.3921655

Having said that, testing yourself and teaching yourself how to function in social situations without alcohol is a very good and healthy thing.

I say that if you can go to a party and enjoy yourself without having any alcohol for ONE day, you should consider that a success and give yourself a pat on the back for confronting your anxiety in social situations instead of relying on alcohol.

One final thought... there is nothing wrong with *moderate* drinking. But what is the definition of moderate drinking?

It’s “up to four alcoholic drinks for men and three for women in any single day and a maximum of 14 drinks for men and seven drinks for women per week”

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/265799.php

My own doctor told me he would rather see me have 1 drink a day every day than have 4 drinks all on one day in a given week. 1 drink a day actual has some health benefits in terms of preventing blood clots/stroke/heart attacks. But 4 drinks all at once is a shock to the body and is unhealthy... with negative effects on the liver and other stuff.

So carry on with your alcohol ban for the next 30 days if you choose. But I think if you simply stay at or below the definition of “moderate drinking”, you’ll also be fine.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 10:32

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Club soda is not bad for your health... and then you can mix/experiment with it for flavouring... And I mean mix with non-alcolic stuff like teas, juices and even fruit.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 10:35

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“Yeah I’ve got baggage and problems from years and for years that I can’t ever seem to fix “

I know how that feels... and there is only one solution... don’t worry about what you can’t control. And combine that with just focusing on what you can do here/now and forget about what you can’t.

Also try breaking things down into small, easy steps.  It might help to write the small, easy steps in point form and see what you can knock off on any given day.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 10:41

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“I’m not going to live forever, let alone stay young forever. I’ve missed out on so much as it stands compared to everyone else. Everyone else is doing what I want, haven’t, or can’t do I’m feeling and seeing.”

Compared to EVERYONE else ? Nah... In life, there will always be people who have more money/fun/fame/experiences/etc.

But what you’re overlooking is that compared to you, there are probably at least as many who wish for your situation.

Extreme example: People who witnessed their friends and family get killed and their home burned to the ground. It happened to many in Rwanda. I’m guessing a person like that would love to trade places with you or me. (I’m making a leap of faith here that you’re not actually one of the people from Rwanda who watched their friends/family get slaughtered and house burned).

And also don’t overlook the fact that many people put on a big *show* about how great things are when in fact they’re not.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 10:45

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“No dates for me, can’t get one, never had one, sober or not. We really don’t have any other places to go other than bars or pubs”

That’s not true. You can sign up for meetup groups , stuff like dance classes, dating sites and other stuff. Hell... even church groups can be a place to meet people.

It’s actually much easier these days to find alternatives to bars and pubs than in the past.

But it does take some effort and research

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 10:47

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“As far as I’m knowing, those training wheels will never go away. The awkwardness will never go away, I wish I was like others that seemingly can just ignore it.”

Even if it doesn’t go away, with practice, you learn how to deal with it.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 09/14/2018 at 10:50

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“I tell my friends to fuck off when they get mad at me for not “drinking with the boys”,”

Yeah... that’s really annoying.  Or after you’ve said you’ve had enough, someone puts a drink in your hand.  One or two times, someone bought me a drink after I told them I was done for the night... and I just handed them the drink back and told them they didn’t buy it for me if they bought it after I told them I was done and was sticking to water/coke/juice/etc for the rest of the evening.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/14/2018 at 10:51

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“I’ve never had a hangover. Never woken up with a headache.”

Well that suggests to me that IF you’re an alcoholic at all, it hasn’t gotten bad.

I personally know I’m not an alcoholic because I don’t feel any need to have it.  I can take it or leave it.  But I have had a few hangovers in my time... though nothing over the past decade.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 09/14/2018 at 10:52

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I’m generally done after 3 drinks.

I’m a cheap date.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Sovande 09/14/2018 at 10:53

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“If you don’t want to drink in bars, don’t go to bars”

He can still go to bars... it’s just a question of what he drinks.  He doesn’t have to order something with alcohol.

Sovande > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 09/14/2018 at 11:10

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Said the guy who isn’t grappling with the fact that he may be an alcoholic?  Why put yourself in a position where you are surrounded by the very thing you are trying to avoid?  I am aware that you don’t have to drink in bars, but why on earth would you want to put yourself in that position?  

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 09/14/2018 at 11:53

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Same...

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Sovande 09/14/2018 at 16:41

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To develop self-control and balance.

Sovande > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 09/14/2018 at 17:44

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That's, unfortunately, not how addiction works. 

benjrblant > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/17/2018 at 17:24

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Solutions are difficult. Identifying the issue can be even more difficult. You’re already a good step ahead of most so keep at it.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/17/2018 at 18:47

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That last statement is an a ssumption. You can’t say that is true, perhaps you’ve extrapolated the positive bits of other people’s lives that you actually saw, and assumed the rest of their lives are all rosy. It’s usually inaccurate.

Do you follow your friends on social media like Facebook? If so, that may be part of the problem. Most of the time, p eople only post the highlights of their lives .

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 09/17/2018 at 18:49

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Generally, people share the positive bits of their lives on social media. Some are obsessed with projecting an exaggerated positive image—I wonder if some of K-Roll’s friends are doing this out of their own insecurity or attention-seeking . I certainly do know one or two people who do this in my circles.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/17/2018 at 18:50

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FWIW, I like to hang out at cafes. Been that way since college. Try to convince your friends to do this next time?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 09/17/2018 at 20:03

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Cafes aren’t open past midnight here. Not a bad idea for myself.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/17/2018 at 20:28

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I’ve not regularly been out and about past midnight, even back in the day. Prefer to be keyboard-warrioring by that hour, although I make exceptions depending on the event and crowd.

I do like places that close later in the evening, like around 11pm.

But yeah, IMO a cafe/coffee shop is a much nicer place to hang out than a bar. 7 -10pm is more than plenty of time to hang with friends. I’ve got a mental quota for  time spent socialising--the brain checks out and I run out of stuff to say!