"SmugAardvark" (SmugAardvark)
06/22/2018 at 12:55 • Filed to: Renault, IKA-Renault, Torino, Slow day at work
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"SmugAardvark" (SmugAardvark)
06/22/2018 at 12:55 • Filed to: Renault, IKA-Renault, Torino, Slow day at work | 5
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Kaiser Motors made a deal with the Argentinian government way back in 1955. The deal was to build cars under license in Argentina, as a way to combine the style of European cars of the era alongside the rugged dependability of American cars. This is a plan that arguably worked well, and was given the name IKA (short for Industrias Kaiser Argentina). However, just a few short years later, the company decided they wanted their own designs to be sold to their people. The result of this? The IKA-Renault Torino, the most evil car ever known to man. How was it evil? Well, get ready to take off your sheeple blinders, because I’m going to tell you all the ways.
For starters, the Torino used a logo of a prancing bull, at least in part to mock Ferrari’s puny horse emblem. Undoubtedly you all are aware of the Minotaur, that part man/part bull of ancient Greece that
The Man
wants you to believe is only a creature of myth. The Minotaur was originally said to have been slain by Theseus. But oh, ho ho, dear reader, surely we can not buy in to the fact that there are a number of facts that we cannot overlook. Not only was the Minotaur real, he was also forced to escape Europe for a new life in South America, much like a classical era Joseph Goebbels. By matching letters with their corresponding numerical output, spelling out Minotaur gives us 64668287. Look again at that, it’s plain to see. There’s a ‘666' right there in the first half. But digging even deeper, giving Theseus the same treatment, we get 8437387. No sixes, but that is clearly a phone number. A phone number for the Thunderbird Internal Medicine Group in Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix, another supposedly mythical creature capable of great death and destruction. Coincidence? Surely not!
Moving along, the IKA Torino has a measured length of 186 inches, equal to 5.166666666666666666666666666... inches. That’s an infinite number of 666's. As for weight, the lightest model came in at 1,060 kg, equal to 70,666.6666666666666666666666... Thai baht (the measure of weight, not the form of money, obviously). The car was available with one of three different engines, all of which were of the Inline-6 variety. I6, I6, I6; I think you see where this is going.
The Torino was released to the Argentinian public on November 30, 1966. I’m sure it’s just as clear to you as it is to me that this was intentionally done as a celebration of the 500th anniversary of the birth of Andrea Doria, admiral of the Italian navy, and all around mean-looking guy. The ocean liner SS Andrea Doria, as you probably recall, is most notable for it’s collision with the MS Stockholm in 1956, resulting in 46 fatalities. Evil, pure evil.
Dude looks pretty damn evil to me.
Of course, maybe you aren’t familiar with the IKA-Renault Torino. That’s understandable, if you live under a rock or keep your head buried under the sand. But there are a few other people in history that are documented as having owned an example: Fidel Castro, Leonid Brezhnev, and Muammar al-Gaddafi. Enough evil to go around, I’d say...
Juan Manuel Fangio, clearly signaling for help to get away from evil incarnate.
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SmugAardvark
> SmugAardvark
06/22/2018 at 13:02 |
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And yes, it is a slow day at the office.
WilliamsSW
> SmugAardvark
06/22/2018 at 13:02 |
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When I think o f a n e v i l A r g e n t i n e car, I think o f green F o r d F a l c o n s t b h
AuthiCooper1300
> WilliamsSW
06/22/2018 at 13:12 |
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Some of those you are thinking about could also be a sort of sandy colour.
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WilliamsSW
> AuthiCooper1300
06/22/2018 at 13:16 |
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I’ve read that the death s q u a d s favored green F a l c o n s, but green c e r t ainly wa sn’ t the only c o lor they had.
Fun fact - these were b a s i cally f i r s t g e n U S F a l c o n s built in Argentina until the late 1 9 8 0 s, with a few u p d ates. They’re still a common sight.
lone_liberal
> SmugAardvark
06/22/2018 at 13:23 |
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Counterpoint: Torino (or Turin in English) is the home of one of the most holy relics in Christianity. Counter-counterpoint: It is probably a fake. Counter-counter-counterpoint: The Torino was the holy chariot of Starsk y and Hutch. Counter-counter-counterpoint: It was also my first car and that car was pure evil.
interstate366, now In The Industry
> SmugAardvark
06/22/2018 at 13:25 |
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I figured it was either that or happy hour started early.
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SmugAardvark
> interstate366, now In The Industry
06/22/2018 at 13:27 |
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It’s 5 o’clock somewhere....
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AuthiCooper1300
> WilliamsSW
06/22/2018 at 13:27 |
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Decades ago I read a n a r t i c l e w h e r e t h e y m e n t i o n e d the feared green or sandy - coloured Falcons . I’ve never forgotten that line.
Yup, I knew that.
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AuthiCooper1300
> SmugAardvark
06/22/2018 at 13:52 |
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I commend you for having been able to do a whole write-up on the Torino without ever mentioning once the ‘69 Marathon de la Route (or Pininfarina, for that matter). And I am not being sarcastic!
But I do think you should have mentioned that the Torino badge was basically the crest of the city of Turin
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WilliamsSW
> AuthiCooper1300
06/22/2018 at 13:58 |
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I read a bit about them when I went down there on vacation a few years ago. They’re still polarizing cars to Argentines.
Whatever I read only mentioned green, but made it clear that they weren’t all green. A lot of scary shit went on back then. Way too many people took their last car ride in one of those, for no good reason- and Ford of Argentina wasn’t innocent in the whole matter either.
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SmugAardvark
> AuthiCooper1300
06/22/2018 at 14:02 |
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I had a whole other line of thought going down the Pininfarina and Richard Teague rabbit hole, but it was somehow even more nonsensical than the rest of the post.
And yeah, leaving Turin out was probably an oversight on my part. Could have probably snuck in some Nietzsche gobbledygook in there.
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AuthiCooper1300
> WilliamsSW
06/22/2018 at 14:12 |
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I can understand they are still a sensitive issue. Just let’s not go there.
On the other hand, arguments and controversy are one of Argentina’s national sports!
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AuthiCooper1300
> SmugAardvark
06/22/2018 at 14:17 |
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Oh nonsense is fine! Hope to see even more extreme examples of your literary handiwork!
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WilliamsSW
> AuthiCooper1300
06/22/2018 at 14:22 |
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All true - so very true.