Life Is Better When We Focus on What We Appreciate, Not What’s Lacking

"Nibby" (nibby68) 04/03/2018 at 13:25 • Filed to: None

14

12

“Wisdom is merely the movement from fighting life to embracing it.” ~Rasheed Ogunlaru

Recently a friend told me a story about taking her seven-year-old to the circus. It was a wonderful mother-daughter outing. Just the two of them, no pesky brothers or dad tagging along and getting in the way.

They had the best time. They watched acrobats and clowns and all manner of brand new delights, gasping at one another gleefully at every new feat. They bathed in each other’s company without interruption, laughing and having fun. Literally all the things.

After this magical afternoon, as the two of them were leaving, my friend’s daughter spied the merchandise stand and wanted her mum to buy her a plastic fairy wand. My friend gently but firmly said no.

In the car on the way home, her daughter was quiet.

“What did you like the most? What was your favorite thing today?” my friend asked her.

She was sulking. “I’m just thinking about the wand I didn’t get.”

I’m just thinking about the wand I didn’t get.

How many of us fixate on the wands we didn’t get, even amidst the most wonderful experiences?

How often do we hone in on the one negative comment, or the thing that isn’t right instead of what is positive or right?

How can we just see what is rather than disproportionately focusing on what isn’t ?

For myself, the wands I didn’t get loom most darkly now that we are in the age of the Internet. As much as I am a huge advocate for the awesomeness of online life, something that sucks me into a vortex of wishing for what ‘isn’t’ are reviews.

I read reviews like others might read a newspaper. Cover to cover, looking for bias or bad writing or things I might not like, as well as things I’m sure I will. Inevitably this can lead to disappointment when I finally get to experience the actual thing I’ve been reading about for months.

I turn up to a new café or a guesthouse and find myself honing in on what isn’t :

“It said in the review that there was a 180 degree view, but this is only front-on.”

“It said in the review they had lots of vegetarian dishes, but I can only see three and they don’t look that great to me.”

“This house manager is frowning at me. The review said they were like family by the end of trip. How is that possible with this grump?”

When my friend shared this anecdote about her daughter and the wand she didn’t get, it was very timely.

A much-needed slap in the face, really.

Here’s what I began thinking about:

Which practices drag me into a space of entitlement and loaded expectations, and which practices make available a stronger sense of appreciation for what Is rather than what Isn’t?

One thing is to be less obsessed with reviews, obviously.

Another is to really spend some time reflecting on how I experienced life before the Internet. How I traveled, what behaviors, what choices opened up a sense of wonder about the every day world?

In the last few months of digital nomad life, I’ve been much more inclined to just show up and try stuff out rather than worrying about what lots of folks thought.

Here are my rules:

A brief skim of a review is handy, but it’s time-limited. I now spend only a few minutes checking others’ thoughts, and look for basic practical things that are important.

Get there and see. Make eye contact. Look Up. Be.

Slow down and take my time so I am able to fully appreciate what’s in front of me. What’s the rush?

Trust my gut. Give it a go.

Talk to people in person, ask for recommendations.

Be okay with imperfection. Enjoy what is good about what is happening.

You know what?

It’s working.

I discovered a wild beach, and while it was unswimmable (which would normally drive me crazy), it was pretty much deserted and the waves were mesmerising, provoking an infinite number of thoughts.

I also talked with a woman walking her dog there and found out about another beach closer to our new home. I then learned that even though the Indian restaurant doesn’t deliver at 3am she can get a box made up to pick up for her night shift (which might come in handy one day in a town where occasionally everything shuts by 8pm).

I unwittingly drank the best coffee of my life.

I lay in the still and stifling heat of the night in a tent, initially angry that I hadn’t known how hot it was going to be. But then I reminded myself there was nothing to be done but just accept it, lie very still, and I actually fell asleep, awaking refreshed and excited about the day ahead.

I jumped on buses after asking locals which ones, and they were always right, even though there were a few scary “where the hell are we?” moments.

After receiving a difficult email, I stopped. I listened to music and physically felt myself calm down (as well as rediscovered a few albums) instead of freaking out, scanning social media, and increasing my anxiety.

I’m finding myself naming the things I like first:

This room has great airflow.

There are fascinating trees on the headland.

Dogs are allowed in (!)

The music is fantastic.

The people crowding in the pool are smiling a lot and having fun, which is making me smile.

These flowers are beautiful.

The mist (obscuring the view) is mysterious and atmospheric.

I’m learning something weirdly interesting from the radio interview I’m listening to instead of a podcast after my device died.

That part of the meal was lush.

I can hear birdcalls piercing through the heavy rain.

Now that I’m making a habit of focusing on the good around me, I’m finding that I’m more apt to put good into the world, for example, by:

Showing up alone at a community event.

Sending a friend with a broken leg a card in the post.

Taking extra time to offer quality information and support to people in need.

Holding back a knee-jerk reaction and choosing a wiser response in a stressful situation.

The wands I didn’t get are, slowly, fading from memory as I replace them with what I did get—with what is —and here’s what I’m learning: Acceptance and contentment are bringing me more joy and also strengthening a sense of bravery and connection while on this adventure of rediscovering daily life.

You know what else?

That wand would have been the highlight of my day… for all of five minutes. Then I’d be back to feeling bad and annoyed about the ice cream I didn’t get, the criticism I received over the praise, and the rain that came after the sun (and appeared to last so much longer).

Wands we didn’t get only add up to seeking more wands, and then more, and then more, until our whole lives are made up of resentment for what we don’t have.

We end up living life constantly seeking external pleasures and validations.

Most of us really do have a lot. And while it’s great to acknowledge sadness and disappointment (especially when it’s more than warranted), and to speak up when something really is wrong, it’s equally important to get on board with what is .

To know when it’s just a plastic wand and nothing more.

And then get on with the business of appreciating that amazing day at the circus.

Coz you just never know when you’ll be here again.

By Nicole Hind, from

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Future next gen S2000 owner > Nibby 04/03/2018 at 13:44

0

I wonder if the desire to focus on what we don’t have comes from a time when humans survived from meal to meal and focusing on the next meal not the one you just had was the only way to survive.

Nibby > Future next gen S2000 owner 04/03/2018 at 13:46

4

could also be the constant surrounding of advertisements and stimulus around us in modern society to buy things

Chariotoflove > Nibby 04/03/2018 at 14:01

3

As a parent, this is what I try to impress on my child, but it’s not easy to learn sometimes. Many days I have to remind myself.

functionoverfashion > Nibby 04/03/2018 at 14:32

4

I have so much to say on this topic. I have witnessed this exact behavior from my kids, and I am SO CAREFUL not to have them think that any happiness is derived directly from material things.

Sure, things that allow you to do the activities you really enjoy, especially those that you can share with friends and family... those can be argued to be a means to an end; just not the end in and of itself.

When we go places with our kids where there’s a gift shop, I am always adamant about setting expectations that the experience IS the treat; we don’t need anything from the gift shop. Coming here is the special thing we’re doing for you today. And so on. Not that we never buy them things from a gift shop, but if we do, I try to make it a book, a game, or something we will enjoy together. It can be a struggle, and it breaks my heart like nothing else when we leave a fun place with them upset because they didn’t get something. It’s partly the let-down of leaving a fun place, but they may not see that.

I feel as though I’m good at seeing the silver lining in most things, even the bad ones. I’m trying to indoctrinate my kids with that ability, but who knows if I will succeed? They do both attend a preschool whose motto is, “There’s no such thing as bad weather.” Meaning, they are outside in nearly all kinds of weather, because if you dress for it, you can have fun outside in nearly any conditions. That’s a good start. Because it sure is easy to complain about the weather.

—

One more thing: we ordered some new wooden bar stools the other day on amazon, and three of them needed work before I could assemble them. One was damaged in shipping so badly I had to undo some of the (minor) factory assembly and drill new holes, put in lots of new fasteners and glue the thing together - this was all under the seat, so it won’t be noticeable. But holy hell, can you imagine what someone could have written for a review, based on that? And we were trying to assemble these in time for family to come over for Easter; this was about 9pm Saturday night. Ordered these in time for Easter brunch. 3 of 4 had issues. 2 damaged in shipping so badly they couldn’t be assembled. Savior not risen. Easter ruined. One star.

Instead, I spent 20 minutes in my shop fixing some minor issues and shipping damage and now have four functioning stools. Hell, the one I glued together is now the strongest one!

diplodicus > functionoverfashion 04/03/2018 at 14:43

3

People who constantly complain about the weather are one of my biggest pet peeves. This lady at work does it like everyday and it takes all of my self control to keep myself from yelling at her to just shut the fuck up about the weather, you act like you haven’t lived in Michigan your whole life.

functionoverfashion > diplodicus 04/03/2018 at 14:59

2

How you feel about the weather any given day might be the single quickest indicator as to your general outlook on life.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Nibby 04/03/2018 at 15:41

0

Being a nibby post I kept waiting for a dark twist

Absolutely right though. Took me a long time to figure this out, and I’m still working on it, but this outlook does make life better.

nermal > Nibby 04/03/2018 at 16:21

0

The person that wrote this sounds like they are the type that gives out apples and toothbrushes at Halloween.

Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. > Nibby 04/03/2018 at 21:13

1

Years ago I had money, power, toys (particularly of the vehicular kind), and the woman I wanted to marry, and I was miserable, day in and day out. A borderline alcoholic. Then reality crept in and knocked me flat. It was tough for years, and years afterwards, but things are different now. I tend to just go with the flow, not make any grand plans, and just live. Things are so much simpler when you don’t have the spectre of failure and unfulfilled wishes and goals hanging over you, and when you just make the best of what’s around. Yeah, there are some annoying platitudes in that thought, but whatever. The trick is to keep an eye on the future, not living fully in the moment but understanding the longer term consequences of one’s actions. Roll with the punches, knowing they’re going to come, but just don’t invite them.

Nibby > Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. 04/03/2018 at 22:55

1

Right on! I think my issue is I don’t really think about the future enough and I try not to dwell on past stuff. It’s important to have a balance

Nibby > functionoverfashion 04/03/2018 at 23:12

0

you seem like a good parent! keep at it

sorry for the delayed response, work kept me busy. instant gratification has its ups and downs but society doesn’t really do a good job of teaching the downs

nice job fixing up the bar stools! any pictures?

functionoverfashion > Nibby 04/04/2018 at 10:32

0

Thanks! No worries.

I don’t have any pics of the stools, now that you mention it. I just wanted to be done! I could take a few, though. Might make an amusing oppo post on its own, as it relates to some of the bad reviews I see.

We were looking at new toilets on Amazon recently, and my wife had to share one of the reviews she read, knowing I’d love it. Basically, the delivery guy dropped off the package in a snowbank, then her son refused to help her get it in the house or something like that, the box got dropped, toilet fill tank was broken... ONE STAR. Seriously.