I've Lost My Best Friend

"Matt Nichelson" (whoismatt) 02/06/2018 at 09:00 • Filed to: None

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And I have nobody to blame but my fucking dumbass self. If you want the short version, my wife filed for divorce last week. If you want to learn from my mistakes, keep reading.

We got married on Halloween in 2015. It was supposed to be an outside wedding in the backyard of my mother’s place. We ended up getting married on the carport while it poured rain and the area was under a tornado warning. That was a sign of things to come.

We had some really great times. We drove from Mississippi to Las Vegas for our honeymoon and had a blast. She, like I, was into hearses, so we left the wedding and got taken to my car in the back of one. We’re both car people. We watched every season of Top Gear at least 4 times. We went to car shows. We worked on things together. I couldn’t have asked for a better wife.

Last year, though, things went south. I made some really poor decisions and in July it all came to a head. The next 6 months I did everything I possibly could to save our marriage. In the end, though, it simply wasn’t enough. She wanted time apart, so last month I left to stay with family to give her some time. A week and a half ago she had me come by to give me the news. It was over.

It’s not easy losing your best friend when you know you are the cause. We still tall and are still friendly to each other. Hell, we still love each other. In the end, though, she wanted to move on from our broken marriage. I know she will be ok. I will too eventually. It just really hurts right now.

People of Oppo, I didn’t say all this to ask for sympathy. I wanted to share because many of you are either dating or married. If I can offer any advise, it’s this: love your significant other. Treat them with respect. Take nothing for granted. Give them your fullest attention. If you don’t, you’ll end up drowning in your own sorrow like I am right now and regretting being born.

Thanks for reading. Maybe you learned something. Maybe you didn’t. Life is hard enough as it is. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. Take care of the person you are with.

random001 > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:06

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Hey Matt. This sucks to hear, but know that things will get better. Oppo is here for you.

Party-vi > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:10

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There are still good days ahead. Keep at it.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:14

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Damn :(

$kaycog > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:18

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I’m so sorry. Hang in there.

McMike > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:19

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Sorry dude. :(

PatBateman > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:21

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I’m sorry to hear that. Go see someone to talk to if you need it.

:(

vondon302 > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:21

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Oof that was hard to read.

Just take it one day at a time.

Chuckles > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:23

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It sounds like you learned a lot from your ordeal. Thanks for trying to share that knowledge. It really is easy to start to take someone for granted when you’re in a long term relationship.

Good luck dealing with the next part. Oppo is here for you.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:26

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we were supposed to get married outside and it also rained on us. i think it rained like 3 times that entire summer.

shit can be bad, but over the last year i’ve been able to put things into perspective. I had to shell out $17k to put a new septic in my old house because some fucking POS cheated a test to get the sale to pass. When i went to kick his ass, he was already dead. I’m still alive. So are you.

beautimouse > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:35

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You took your pain and thought to help people? You are a decent dude.  

just-a-scratch > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:42

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Sad news, but you will get better. There are good times yet to come.

CalzoneGolem > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:49

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Since you’re already laying this out here for us would you mind going into more details on what the poor decisions you made were? Your story makes them sound like they are what ended it.

Arrivederci > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:51

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Went through the same - sorry to hear you’re going through it. Keep your head up, learn from your mistakes and you’ll come out better on the other side.

RacingShark > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 09:57

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Been there. Sucks. Learn something from it. If you know it’s done, make it a clean break. Keeping in touch will only make it harder to move on. Sounds like you don’t have kids, which will make moving on much easier.

Oh, and in a year or two, it may seem easy to date that friend that had a crush on you. It’s easy, but when it doesn’t work out you’ll lose that friend and strain the relationships with all your communal friends.

HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 10:01

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Damn. Hope stuff gets better soon. Take it slowly. Hoon your BMW if it helps :)

yitznewton > OPPOsaurus WRX 02/06/2018 at 10:01

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When i went to kick his ass, he was already dead.

QOTD

E92M3 > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 10:02

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Sorry to hear man. Been there, done that. You will go thru a range of emotions. In the beginning people often blame themselves, and also see/remember the best in their spouse. How could they lose someone so seemingly perfect for them? How will they ever find a better person to share their life with. I promise you after 6 months to a year it does get better. Time really does heal most things. You’ll start to see your spouse in how they actually are, and may even wonder if you ever REALLY knew them.

When I first met my exwife, she wanted to do everything and go everywhere I did. She went to every kart race I was in. She went to every car show, she liked to go fishing, she’d watch whatever I wanted on TV. She seemed like the perfect woman. After a few years, that all started to dwindle. She would rather do her own thing than go to a car show. Fine I thought, we all need time to ourselves or apart. Her new boyfriend is a golf freak. He plays every weekend (both days) and she goes everytime. She even took him to the Masters. It’s not that she likes golf, we went a couple of times and she didn’t really like it. My point is women will often pretend to enjoy what you like, especially in the beginning. Don’t be fooled. Over time you’ll see they weren’t so perfect after all. Hang in there.

I’ll leave this photo below as a warning to others.

OPPOsaurus WRX > yitznewton 02/06/2018 at 10:24

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so was the realtor who sold me the house. I mean I didn’t find him dead, they had been for a while. I didn’t know what they had done to me at the time of death so you can be sure it wasn’t me.

nermal > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 10:27

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Ouch - Sorry to hear. If it truly is over, try to acknowledge that sooner than later, and don’t dwell on things.

Based on what I’ve seen others go through, it’s in your best interest to get the biggest asshole lawyer you can find. You don’t want a nice guy here, just in case she has already acquired her own biggest asshole lawyer available.

Make sure you pay all of your bills in the meantime so your credit doesn’t get borked.

Then once the dust settles after everything is finalized, go spend some cash and time on yourself. Take a trip you always wanted to take. Buy a new car, motorcycle, whatever. Do new social things. Download internet dating apps on your phone and chat up some babes.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 10:27

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It takes two to tango, don’t just blame yourself! If you both wanted to make it work it would work, regardless of whatever happened. Clearly something must have gone wrong on both ends, nothing in a marriage happens in a vacuum.

WilliamsSW > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 10:28

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I’m so sorry to hear that. It does sound like you have learned a lot from the experience, and it’s no condolence now, but that’s what life is about - - learning, and working toward being a better person.

Good luck to you — I know it’s a trying time, but keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you’ll be fine.

yitznewton > OPPOsaurus WRX 02/06/2018 at 10:34

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It’s like Chuck Norris; the guy died before you even showed up.

EngineerWithTools > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 10:39

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Reading this brought back my own history in this subject. There isn’t any magic to getting through, just keep on keeping on (in the words of my grandfather), learning as you go. Brighter days, man, you can make them happen. Good luck.

Shoop > E92M3 02/06/2018 at 10:50

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Man, literally half the guys were i worked are divorced. They all have horror stories about getting screwed in tbe divorce. A lot of my dads friends are like that too. Makes me really apprehensive towards marriage. It seems like marriage has a 50/50 shot at ruining your life.

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 10:54

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Sorry to hear that Matt. Breakups are hard, I can only imagine divorces are harder. I recently ended a relationship of 3 years and it was honestly one of the hardest, if not he hardest thing I’ve had to go through. Your advice rings very very true though! I think in my case we were both to blame. I also can’t help but think you are being a bit too self deprecating, there’s always two sides to a coin, although if you feel that strongly, your side may have been much more significant.

On the upside, 3-4 months later I am happy again, I’ve been dating but making a point not to get too serious at this time, I’ve been spending more time with friends again, life has gotten fun again. So like you said, you’ll be okay!

f86sabre > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 11:03

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Hugs and learn.

E92M3 > Shoop 02/06/2018 at 11:11

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When I was in my 20's, at least 40-50 older guys told me to never get married. I didn’t listen, and thought they were just old, bitter men. Some of them had their own problems, substance abuse, never had a real career, etc... Even if you’re a CEO multi-millionare, handsome, and in top physical shape, your odds are only slightly better. We are in an age where people can’t stand to wait 10 mins in line to pay for their groceries. They simply aren’t prepared to weather a marriage. It takes a lot of work, and people would rather quit and start over. Women are equal, and self sufficient today. No longer stuck in a marriage, because they haven’t worked for 25 years. There used to be a social stigma around adultery and divorce. Technology also has an impact. In the old days, you’d have to bump into an old high school friend at the grocery store. If you wanted to talk to them you had to leave the house. Now your spouse can be sitting next to you on the couch, and be sexting someone that found them on Facebook just 3 days ago. So I’d say the odds are much worse than 50/50.

Racin'Jason001 > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 11:15

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Oh, Matt. You’re a great guy. I can tell simply by talking to you for the short period of time we’ve known each other on Oppo. Though I haven’t even met you, you have shown great compassion and concern for others. I’m sorry this has happened. You have learned from mistakes. This will be difficult, but there are much better times ahead. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through because I’m only 17 without a girlfriend. I do know that you’ve got best friends here. If you ever need to talk, we here. The next chapter is right around the corner. You just have to believe. It can happen! Life is worth living! Feel better, soon, man.

Xyl0c41n3 > CalzoneGolem 02/06/2018 at 11:18

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That’s a pretty rude thing to ask, CG. He was clearly vague about it for a reason and it’s impolite to pry just so you can satiate your curiosity. Why would that knowledge even matter to you, except to use his life experiences for your own entertainment? That’s gross, dude.

Wacko > Xyl0c41n3 02/06/2018 at 11:24

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why don’t you let the OP answer him self, maybe he does want to talk about it since he did post it here. Stop being so quick to judge people here. He just asked a follow up question to the op. You tend to think the worse out of everyone here and people will stop the dialog because of attacking comments like you constantly do.

Sorry to be harsh but it had to be said, just like you thought your comment was needed.

Xyl0c41n3 > Wacko 02/06/2018 at 11:25

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It’s a rude thing to ask. And most of the Oppos here had the good sense to NOT ask. NOT sorry to be harsh, but I don’t like seeing people kicked when they’re already down.

merged-5876237249235911857-hrw8uc > Shoop 02/06/2018 at 11:25

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You have to put in the work to make it work too. My wife and I went through some pretty bad stuff at about year 3-4, but we were committed to making it work. We both did some things that didn’t help our marriage, but we both were committed to fixing things. It took a couple 2-3 years to get our shit together, but we did and we are both much better for it. Her and I joked time to time, you have two choices, to be happily married, or unhappily married. We never even discussed the thought of ending things. Now we’re over 11 years married and have three little ones, and a forth coming in summer, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. Sure I’d love to go back to erase the bad stuff, but that’s what made our marriage as strong as it is today. So you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t buy into the whole idea of divorce and all that. If you make the commitment, then do everything you can to honor that commitment and work through things. There is nothing that cannot be forgiven. But you have to be willing to work through it all.

Rico > OPPOsaurus WRX 02/06/2018 at 11:31

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so you can be sure it wasn’t me.

Wacko > Xyl0c41n3 02/06/2018 at 11:33

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but he was not kicking, he was just asking if he minded talking about it more. If he took the time to post this maybe he want to talk about it. the only kicking here was done by you. you projected hate and darkness towards CG,

you have a tendancy to see bad/hate in people when it’s not present.

cmill189 - sans Volvo > OPPOsaurus WRX 02/06/2018 at 11:38

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The twist is your life is actually a Shyamalan movie and they were both already dead all along.  

Rico > E92M3 02/06/2018 at 11:39

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Facts!

CalzoneGolem > Xyl0c41n3 02/06/2018 at 11:42

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I mean he can say no or just ignore me. Dude puts this out here and tells us not to do what he did. I don’t need all the details but I need some to not do what he did.

shop-teacher > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 11:42

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I’m really sorry to hear that. Hang in there. Things will get better.

Xyl0c41n3 > CalzoneGolem 02/06/2018 at 11:45

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Then be tactful like everyone else here and simply offer to be here if he needs us. But asking to hear the details, which, again, he was INTENTIONALLY vague about, is just rude and reeks of rubbernecking.

Xyl0c41n3 > CalzoneGolem 02/06/2018 at 11:49

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Also, in response to this: “I don’t need all the details but I need some to not do what he did.”

No, frankly, you don’t. Because what may have caused an issue in his relationship may not be something that would cause an issue in your relationship.

Also, the question ignores the advice OP did offer: “If I can offer any advise, it’s this: love your significant other. Treat them with respect. Take nothing for granted. Give them your fullest attention.”

That’s pretty solid advice for any relationship. And it doesn’t require a disclosure of other information (which was intentionally kept private) to be relevant.

syaieya > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 12:43

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I have very mixed feelings on marriage. The people in my life have all had it rough in recent years. My parents divorced, my mom divorced the guy after my dad, my dads best friend was recently divorced and sleeping on our spare bed, the only girl ive dated with parents who were together ended up cheating on me.

Only my dads parents made it work for the long haul it seems.

The vast majority though continue to be amicable, and wounds healed after time.

So maybe my tune will brighten in the future.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 14:27

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Damn. I’m sorry, Matt.

crowmolly > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 16:10

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We’re here for you dude.

If you need to vent and don’t want to do so on OPPO throw it up in the Cigar Lounge.

Be strong and try to stay positive.

RiceRocketeer Extraordinaire > Matt Nichelson 02/06/2018 at 21:24

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Please don’t wallow in self pity or drink yourself into a hole. I spent 6 years getting over a bad breakup and looking back it feels like wasted time. If you can, find something productive and meaningful to throw yourself into.

pip bip - choose Corrour > Matt Nichelson 02/07/2018 at 04:02

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not good.

keep communication with her civil, try for reconciliation perhaps?

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > CalzoneGolem 02/07/2018 at 18:20

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I think this was a pretty innocent request, honestly. It will either be denied or not—I don’t see a need to vilify.