My Christmas Present to the Defecation Enthusiasts of the Internet

"Stef Schrader" (stefschrader) 12/24/2018 at 13:50 • Filed to: Road Pooping, Pooping, Advice, Stuff I Wrote, Bathrooms

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I finally shared my strategy for finding a reasonably clean bathroom on the road over on !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . I’ve gotten a ton of mileage out of that advice, so it’s time to share. Enjoy.

ranwhenparked > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 13:59

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I just look for a Lowe's or Home Depot, those are usually pretty clean, though Lowe's ones are at the front of the store, so less privacy. Also, supermarkets - Food Lion, Weis, Acme, etc.

WilliamsSW > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:00

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You had me at “ defecation enthusiast".

CB > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:01

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“ This is the free race car. Given that I took this photo in a Starbucks parking lot, I can assure you that it wasn’t the only thing leaking there.”

Truly award winning journalism.

Future Heap Owner > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:05

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Now this is a headline I can get behind

Deal Killer - Powered by Focus > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:11

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As a professional who is on the road a lot, finding a clean public bathroom is a necessity. I prefer to use the bathrooms in libraries, public buildings (township halls, village offices,etc.) and the larger stores in the areas that I service. But, when you’ve gotta go, you gotta go. I’m not above using a porta potty at a construction site when the need arises. Just check to make sure there is toilet paper before you proceed with any transaction. I usually keep a roll in the trunk of my car, just for such eventualities . “Be Prepared”, as us Boy Scouts say.

tromoly > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:11

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Can confirm, Tim Hortons is a decen t potty choice, it’s how I survived driving across Canada heading toward World Rallycross a few months ago.

Wobbles the Mind > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:12

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The old John and Joe on the go.

The drink and stink.

The frap and *brappp!*

A cold creamer and a hot steamer.

Buy the shot and be free to plop!

Quality shit post, Stef.

jimz > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:14

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back in high school and college, I worked p/t at a garage. if I was on the evening or weekend shift, it was just pump jockey and tires/oil changes. I can’t tell you how many times I had to clean unspeakable messes in the outside restroom. Usually it was due to a “hoverer” apparently unaware your tailpipe doesn’t point straight down when you do that. there were some which were deliberate for sure. I don’t understand the mindset of people who become enormous pigs when they know someone else has to clean up after them.

(seriously, I don’t get hoverers.  If you don’t see anything on the seat, then it’s a lot cleaner than what you’re about to drop through it.)

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:15

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As a guy who drives around all day long, I thank God for Starbucks and their high standards of cleaning.

Failing that, there are always public parks... (kidding)

Urambo Tauro > ranwhenparked 12/24/2018 at 14:17

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You can doo it. We can help .

Welp, so much for privacy.

ranwhenparked > Urambo Tauro 12/24/2018 at 14:26

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But, the advantage is when you’re done, you can go browse different flooring options. It is amazing how realistic that vinyl plank is getting. 

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:35

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So I hate to get classist, but in my anecdotal purview, gentrification of any area typically ups the odds of having a decent public bathroom experience.

I’ve just had to go in so many really awful bathrooms and they always coincide for me in places where I wouldn’t hang out too long alone at night.

Edit: Also, this is the kind of shit on Oppo I crave and need more of

shop-teacher > jimz 12/24/2018 at 14:36

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Seriously.  To hell with hoverers.

Chuckles > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:37

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This seems like a good opportunity to remind people that they can buy you a coffee.

shop-teacher > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:40

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Is this the ultimate shitpost?

No. No, this actually provided useful information. I shall be testing this theory in the months to come, but I feel good about it.

shop-teacher > ranwhenparked 12/24/2018 at 14:41

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If you really gotta go, that restroom up front can be a lifesaver.

nermal > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:43

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The best option is to be self-reliant and tow one. This options is e ven better if you’re visiting relatives for a few days, since you can also sleep in it .

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Wobbles the Mind 12/24/2018 at 14:44

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That could have been a Judge Drea d song!

boredalways > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:45

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Scatological humor for the holidays.

Well w e know what your Feats of Strength were yesterday now .

Was that you constantly belting out the refrain of RTJ’s “ Panther Like A Panther” from a distance?!

Happy Holidays, Stef!

[say ‘hi’ to Fluffy for me]

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 14:47

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“Whenever there was a road trip, we could all but rely on the golden arches to deliver a warm, satisfying Egg McMuffin and leave behind a warm, satisfying Poo McMuffin in a reasonably clean bathroom.”

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 15:03

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Kohl’s has excellent men’s rooms.

My friend had the Flush app which came in handy while walking in the city

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > nermal 12/24/2018 at 15:04

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Yeah, but the tow vehicle has nowhere near enough room for the bodies of said relatives after day, like, two.

ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 15:12

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Just realized there’s a new place to read your writing.  Congrats.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > ranwhenparked 12/24/2018 at 15:26

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Acme! I used to work there! The ones in Ohio, at least. There are multiple grocery chains that go by Acme. I kept the bathrooms spotless when it was my job. I spent a good hour on each one when managers asked me to because it beats packing groceries. 

The Dummy Gummy > nermal 12/24/2018 at 15:29

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That’s an expensive shit.

The Dummy Gummy > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 15:30

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Mall’ s are what I shoot for. They’re everywhere, have a solid noise ambience so you can get the job done. Lord and Taylors are the fanciest and normally vacated for ultimate privacy. 

ranwhenparked > I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker 12/24/2018 at 15:31

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I worked in one in high school, along with my brother. There were some, um, incidents. Hoverers and helicopterers can make quite a mess. 

nermal > The Dummy Gummy 12/24/2018 at 15:33

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Once you average the costs over multiple shits, along with savings from not needing a hotel room or as much booze to drink, it’s really not that bad. 

Stef Schrader > ranwhenparked 12/24/2018 at 17:09

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Dusty Ventures mentioned these were good, too, so I’m now wondering if there’s just not as much attention paid to the women’s side, more of a tendency to change poopy diapers on the women’s side, or what. Usually pretty serviceable, though.

ranwhenparked > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 17:15

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Yeah, I’m not sure where the myth that women’s rooms are always cleaner came from, but that is absolutely not true at all. I think that does cause some stores to relax the cleaning schedule a bit. 

Stef Schrader > jimz 12/24/2018 at 17:16

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Unless you’re certain of the unspeakable inhumanity that’s come there before y ou, t he hover-poo really needs to die. I only do it in response to an already disgusting bathroom, so it sounds like there’s a snowball (poopball?) effect of grossness-begeting-grossness at work here.

Stef Schrader > Deal Killer - Powered by Focus 12/24/2018 at 17:17

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I have to admit that the urge to install a bumper dumper on the 411 is pretty high...just for that last reason there.

Stef Schrader > boredalways 12/24/2018 at 17:19

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Fluffy says hi!

Yeah, my Feats of Strength aren’t really things I can share. I only poop behind closed doors when other people are around.

Stef Schrader > The Dummy Gummy 12/24/2018 at 17:41

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Ooooooh...this reminds me of the best publicly accessible bathroom I know of: the one at Neiman Marcus in the Domain. It’s a relatively small Needless Markup as far as their stores go, but it’s fairly new and clean. The real killer feature is a shelf directly next to the toilet. I admit it: I’m a toilet reader. Not having to plan ahead before I sit down because the purse is just right there is great. I can even put the phone back in my purse, where it’s less likely to fall out of any pockets.

This nixes the need to use the purse hook, which is a whole other grievance of mine , which in the spirit of Festivus, I guess I’ll share . Honestly, I swear the purse hook that’s high-up and out of reach on the back of the door was designed by and installed by dudes, who’ve never discovered “Ohhhh. Oh no. Nooooo. I do need a tampon out today.” It’s the ideal hook for luggage at airports, but dadgummit, my dumb purse would be so much better if it was within reach.

Stef Schrader > gmporschenut also a fan of hondas 12/24/2018 at 17:44

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Ooooooh, there’s already an app.

(Well, t here goes my plan to fund a GT3 Cup run. DRAT.)

Stef Schrader > Chuckles 12/24/2018 at 17:45

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I mean, I can always use a coffee.

Stef Schrader > ITA97, now with more Jag @ opposite-lock.com 12/24/2018 at 17:46

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I’m s till just freelancing around because I can’t find anything full-time , but at least The Drive’s a regular one.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 18:11

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Parkers along the East coast have toilet rooms, which is nice. 

bhtooefr > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 19:03

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Similarly, decent restaurants (my usual strategy is to aim for interesting local restaurants in college towns and major cities, that’s a safe bet that you’ll get something good ) aren’t a bad choice either. Same idea as a coffee shop, but bigger, and not just a snack.

If you’re going to use rest areas, welcome centers. They’re the state putting their best foot forward. (Best rest area I’ve been to: Vermont welcome center on I-93. Holy shit (pun fully intended),  that was a nice dump.)

Crystals > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 19:08

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I get not everyone likes the idea of entering a store and then leaving minutes later with nothing in hand because it looks suspicious, but if you don’t care, then I recommend Smart and Final.

Usually clean, and many stores have just the one toilet (I just can’t do my business with other people in the room...or even the potential of people walking in)   and the walls are usually thick enough that you don’t have to worry about your noises being too loud.

Careful, though. If you go to a store that has the keypads on the bathroom doors, you should know that they automatically unlock after a certain amount of time.

I found that out the hard way...

Chuckles > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 19:48

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I’ve always thought of that hook a s the jacket hook since I don't carry a purse. But now that you mention it, I see how that hook isn't convenient if you hang your purse and need to retrieve anything out of it. My guess is that whatever man designed and installed the jacket hook probably didn't take purses into consideration. 

Chuckles > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 20:00

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Well it’s good to know that you'll  have ample opportunities to spend that coffee money since you like to make use of their facilities and it's good to buy something while you're there. 

jimz > WilliamsSW 12/24/2018 at 21:44

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well, when you think about it, that’s what all of us are when we really have to go. 

The Dummy Gummy > Stef Schrader 12/24/2018 at 22:06

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Purse hooks are a tall person conspiracy. I use the hook for my backpack and can’t either. It drives me nuts. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year! Thanks for all the great reads this year!

boxrocket > ranwhenparked 12/24/2018 at 22:15

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QuikTrips, Casey’s, WaWa, and Sheetz’s are usually pretty reliable bathroom-wise. I can especially vouch for QuikTrip ( red signs , big white QT ) as they’re thankfully widespread here in the central- Midwest  

Stef Schrader > Chuckles 12/24/2018 at 22:35

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Plausible theory.

ranwhenparked > boxrocket 12/24/2018 at 23:41

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I’m not crapping in a Wawa bathroom if I can avoid it, there’s only one stall and way too much foot traffic. Don’t need someone knocking on the door every 2 seconds while I’m doing my business. 

bhtooefr > bhtooefr 12/25/2018 at 01:52

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Er, 91, not 93. (93 goes into New Hampshire.)

Stephenson Valve Gear > Stef Schrader 12/25/2018 at 19:35

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Our attempt at the Cannonball in 2017 had us limiting both food and drink intake for obvious reasons. We did our best to survive on granola bars and jerky as much as possible, but we finally picked up a couple of turkey sandwiches at our gas stop in Tulsa . That led to a longer than normal gas stop at Williams AZ... after 32 hours w/o a bm , we weren’t too picky about the restrooms.

Wheelerguy > nermal 12/26/2018 at 09:03

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Framing it as a hotel room is genius! I’ll get me a caravan now! Integrated, though, not towed.

TorqueToYield > bhtooefr 12/26/2018 at 09:10

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The Vermont rest area on 91-N is amazingly nice . It has a great play ground for the kiddos, a huge doggy area, and even a (nice) walking trail around the building.

They regularly also give out free coffee and the last time I went they were giving out free don uts and apple cider asking for donations.

It’s also the point in my semi regular ski trips where after 5 hours of driving I’m ready for a break and you can bet I stop there every time I go that way.

AkursedX > Stef Schrader 12/26/2018 at 10:41

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I can’t poop somewhere without buying something. BUT.....Coffee makes me poop! So if I follow this advice, I will be stopping every 20 minutes at a coffee shop in a never-ending Coffee-Poop cycle!!!

itranthelasttimeiparkedit > Stef Schrader 12/26/2018 at 11:02

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ooooh now I want to go to the domain for some reason

boredalways > Stef Schrader 12/26/2018 at 11:57

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Stef Schrader > itranthelasttimeiparkedit 12/26/2018 at 11:59

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I really want to find out exactly where the printer got smashed and perhaps reach out to the store/management company in question to see if I can smash my VW carb in there with a hammer.

Stef Schrader > AkursedX 12/26/2018 at 12:01

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I mean, fair.

Stef Schrader > Stephenson Valve Gear 12/26/2018 at 12:07

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Yikes™.

bhtooefr > TorqueToYield 12/26/2018 at 13:53

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I meant 91, yeah, not 93.

When I got there, everything was closed, but I was still amazed by how nice it was. (I was heading up there for TDIFest in 2013.)

itranthelasttimeiparkedit > Stef Schrader 12/27/2018 at 10:19

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the office space one? was that by the domain? I thought it was SW Austin for some reason

Stef Schrader > itranthelasttimeiparkedit 12/27/2018 at 11:40

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I t’s where the Domain sits now, from what I’ve heard. RIP, good field to smash stuff.

Blunion05 drives a pink S2000 (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST) > Stephenson Valve Gear 01/02/2019 at 13:54

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I’m sure stopping in the publicly available restroom of a hotel would be a better choice though.

Bill > Stef Schrader 01/03/2019 at 04:23

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Consider the width of the stall itself. Most places my shoulders rub the walls on BOTH sides as they use the airline guide to space usage in bathroom design.

Although, now that I think of it, I can see how that coat hook might be inconvenient to ladies looking for a place to put the purse. But I suspect that is due to the same thing: Lack of perspective from the architect about the users. Like women carry purses, and might want to access that stuff in the stall. Or there are a lot of men out there who need more than the min  30" code requires to be comfortable.  

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Stef Schrader 01/03/2019 at 13:33

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As someone who flies somewhat frequently, 10/10 do not poop on a plane.

M.T. Blake > Stef Schrader 01/03/2019 at 19:28

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I need to “talk to a man about a horse” just watching that.

Stef Schrader > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 01/03/2019 at 20:24

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Can confirm: plane poops are the worst.

Grindintosecond > Stef Schrader 01/07/2019 at 09:40

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Not visiting rural michigan rest areas is a key feature in planning any road poopage. It’s a pittiful  affair. Next up is visiting the U2 pilot’s dietary plans for low residue intake.

nerd_racing > Stef Schrader 01/08/2019 at 13:00

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If you are ever in the northeastern US, Wegmans has excellently maintained bathrooms.  They have the seat covers, seat cleaner/sanitizer pumps, and usually decent smelling hand soap too.  

Stef Schrader > nerd_racing 01/08/2019 at 15:34

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Wegmans is just awesome in general, so I’m not surprised.

nerd_racing > Stef Schrader 01/08/2019 at 15:44

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agreed! If you are ever in the hunt for some pasta salad, this is the ticket:  https://www.wegmans.com/products/prepared-foods/homestyle-salads-organic-grains/pasta-salad/penne-rigate-mozzarella-salad-family-pack.html

Chariotoflove > Stef Schrader 01/10/2019 at 12:27

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Late to this, but I can tell you that the best restrooms along interstates in the US will be in roadside chain motels, Holiday Inn Express, Clarion, Comfort, etc. The lobby bathrooms in these are always clean and well stocked , they are almost always single rooms instead of stalls in a communal setup, and there is never a wait. You have to get over the hang up about not being a guest there, but the person at the front desk is always cool about it if you need to ask. They’ve traveled too; they understand. If you want or need to, just buy a snack from the lobby vending area.

Fritz O' The Ham > Stef Schrader 01/10/2019 at 17:00

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These are my tips:

If you’re a woman: Lowes or a Home Depot

If you’re a dude: Michael’s or A.C. Moore

If you have to bring young kids with you: Anywhere with a FAMILY bathroom .

I’m a dude  and believe me when I tell you that if you go into a Micheal’s to use the can, you’ll be pleasantly surprised...

Clown Shoe Pilot > Stef Schrader 01/10/2019 at 18:51

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H ow long have you been sitting on that article? It’s still got “UrbanSpoon” in it.

Also, if you’re in the right part of Texas, Buc-ees :)

Stef Schrader > Clown Shoe Pilot 01/10/2019 at 19:35

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I have to admit, I mostly Yelp stuff since it’s fairly frequently updated, but that was my backup loooooong ago and made the cut. I guess Google reviews sorta exist in the same space now. But yeah, I know there’s always that one guy who just CAN’T Yelp, ever, because Yelp is Satan and it TANKED his aunt’s small business...never mind the service was actually bad and the food was really kind of glorpy. IT WAS YELP’S FAULT AND YOU’RE ALL GONNA HEAR IT. So, I mention a couple different places-to-eat app s, even if the last time I looked on Urbanspoon was a zillion years ago.

I’m also on Team Buc-ee’s Is A Little Overrated? They’re clean and have a zillion holes, but they’re almost always auto-flushers. This is the one place I demand to row my own or else: the toilet. I am a manual toilet purist. Also, I guess I move enough on a long stay to set off the sensors, at which point I’ll jump and say a few words I can’t repeat in polite company. It’s a gimmick. A gimmicky gimmick. A fun gimmick! The fudge is reliably tasty. But a gimmick, nonetheless.

Stef Schrader > Fritz O' The Ham 01/10/2019 at 19:42

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The family/anybody restroom is a hidden gem I hope the rest of the universe keeps ignoring. I will say that it’s the hole that gets THE most slammed during F1 weekend, though, which is sad. Some of us need that one for accessibility or other personal reasons! But man, I was pleasantly surprised when I held the door for Mom to use the family room in a Target (she’s in a wheelchair, I peaced out after the door was open). It’s not bad! And big! And I’m sure whoever in your fam needs to take care of business with help or extra room will be pretty okay there in a more normal context than the USGP.

Stef Schrader > Chariotoflove 01/10/2019 at 19:44

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There’s a Ramada in Amarillo that Dad allegedly “blew the doors off of.” Mom and I ended up staying there a couple decades later and couldn’t quit laughing about that. Hey, if you have to go...

Chariotoflove > Stef Schrader 01/10/2019 at 19:47

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Dang. I guess some things really are bigger in Texas.

Clown Shoe Pilot > Stef Schrader 01/10/2019 at 20:00

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As one who generally stands in the restroom, the auto-flush thing doesn’t a ffect me on the regular.

However, I can see where that would be a place where you’d really want to maintain manual control.

Stef Schrader > Chariotoflove 01/11/2019 at 03:27

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All hail West Texas: home of the 72-ounce steak challenge and the aftermath that follows.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Urambo Tauro 01/11/2019 at 23:47

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Isn’t that Wallside?

Urambo Tauro > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 01/12/2019 at 00:00

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“We can doo that. We are the factory.”

Haha that works too!