Adulting

"Joel Ness" (joelness) 09/08/2017 at 23:47 • Filed to: None

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My infant blew a diaper while driving for the first time, it was dramatic. Here is a rundown of what it takes to clean that shit up.

-discover your child is covered in shit

-willingly place your hands on shit covered infant in order to remove said child from seat

-remove child from clothes

-remove shit

-bathe child whether child likes it or not

-comfort child. Cause, you know, child has seen some shit

-when mom returns home, clean that mother fucking car seat

-enjoy bourbon

Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle > Joel Ness 09/08/2017 at 23:55

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My daughter once had the runs on 7 hour drive back from visiting over a weekend. We had to pull over 3 times and do the best version of what you’re talking about but on the road.

Cute kid!

Joel Ness > Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle 09/08/2017 at 23:56

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Oh boy! That sounds amazing

Urambo Tauro > Joel Ness 09/08/2017 at 23:56

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That’s no ordinary turd; that’s musturd.

Joel Ness > Urambo Tauro 09/08/2017 at 23:56

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Correct

Alfalfa > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 00:01

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The hardest part always seems to be trying to figure out how the fuck the carseat goes back together once you’ve cleaned it.

Dusty Ventures > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 00:03

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Why have you been feeding your child neon yellow highlighters?

Joel Ness > Alfalfa 09/09/2017 at 00:03

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Yeah, we got to dry it all up. Then I’ll be doing that chore that you speak of.

Joel Ness > Dusty Ventures 09/09/2017 at 00:05

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Well, I use them at work to highlight (ha!) problems so I figured it would work well for leak testing on babies. I’m prototyping, don’t judge!

Chariotoflove > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 00:10

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Oh boy, you’re triggering my parenting PTSD. Changed a diarrhea filled diaper in the back seat of the car in a parking lot. Had said sick infant there because Mom was home in bed incapacitated with the same virus, and I had to go buy a new washing machine. See, our old one had just died on the morning I went to wash the sheets and clothes from the baby spewing over everything. I had two sick girls that weekend, both spewing similar looking sewage from both orifices at once.

Joel Ness > Chariotoflove 09/09/2017 at 00:12

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That sounds like fun. You got dad props out of that, right?

shop-teacher > Urambo Tauro 09/09/2017 at 00:18

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*rimshot*

Speaking of no ordinary turd, I saw a first gen Intrepid yesterday. I thought of you. It was actually in pretty good shape.

Wacko > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 00:18

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I remember doing that too.

shop-teacher > Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle 09/09/2017 at 00:19

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Now that is horrifying!

shop-teacher > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 00:19

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Good call on the bourbon.

Urambo Tauro > shop-teacher 09/09/2017 at 00:25

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A rare sight indeed nowadays haha.

shop-teacher > Urambo Tauro 09/09/2017 at 00:27

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It turned my head for sure. It was that nice light blue. Too bad I couldn’t get a picture.

Chariotoflove > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 00:37

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Well, I got the right to tell this story. That’s something, right?

Honestly, the sight of my little girl standing in the tub vomiting and pooping and crying all at once as I hosed her down still kind of makes me tear up.

That fella of yours is a real charmer. Bet the grandparents are putty in his hands.

Brian McKay > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 01:10

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“infant blew a diaper while driving”

?

Svend > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 01:37

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You don’t get dad props for that. If you mention it to your other half, they roll their eyes and tell you about their horror stories. So you’ve now a horror story and a horror video in your head, you will now be the butt of wives jokes at every party there are children at of, ‘when I was ill, hubby took the baby to get a new washing machine, the baby had a slight incident in his nappy and he dealt with it, but then came home telling me his brave story as if I was going to drop down on my knees and give him a BJ right there and then for saving the world, dear god, we do this every fricking day, don’t we ladies’.

Save the victories for yourself and use them as ammunition for when the other half turns on you about cleaning.

CRider > Dusty Ventures 09/09/2017 at 04:35

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You’re not one of those orange highlighter people, are you?

Your boy, BJR > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 05:50

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Are your sure that’s shit? Looks like your kid JFK’d Predator back there.

Dusty Ventures > CRider 09/09/2017 at 07:29

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Careful what you say about orange. I come from a Syracuse University family

OPPOsaurus WRX > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 08:05

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Yep that happened about a month ago. Worst part is after we cleaned him up he had to go back in for the ride home. Fucking disaster

BaconSandwich is tasty. > Joel Ness 09/09/2017 at 11:12

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Well, you definitely found the leaks! :P