Had a Scammer call earlier...

"zeontestpilot" (zeontestpilot)
08/01/2017 at 17:21 • Filed to: Scam

It was by far my most favorite phone call with them. Like, I annoyed and irritated someone, so I feel accomplished. A Hudson for your time and the story.

My phone rings and I pick it up. A automated woman’s voice responses to my ‘hello?’, which means it was the security scam again, after they claimed I was put on their ‘do not call list’. There is a live operator on the other end, pushing different buttons for the responses.

Any ways, robot lady ask me if I had a security system, I responded with “no, I have ghosts for that”. Then the robot lady didn’t understand, and puts on a live operator. “How can I help you today?” “Not sure, I was just talking to a lady.” “And she transferred you to me. Do you have a security system?” I paused, they quickly replied “not really. I have booby traps.” “... you have what?” “I have a moat, around the house.” Without missing a beat he responds with “Well what if you have an emergency?” I shot back “well then I just put down the drawbridge.” “Would you like to be put on our do not call list?” “I would love that.”

During this whole ordeal I’m trying really hard not to start laughing. I wanted to be as serious as possible. In fact, I sort of hope they call again, as I really enjoy wasting their time. I was caught off guard and I would like to see how much I can bother them.

And yes, I have blocked their numbers, at least 8 of them. They keep changing which number they call from. It’s been going on for months, and I really don’t mind anymore. I find it entertaining to waste their time.

DISCUSSION (24)

WiscoProud > zeontestpilot
08/01/2017 at 17:38

Haven’t had that one, although if I get a call and its automated, I immediately hang up

Corkscrew'd > zeontestpilot
08/01/2017 at 17:38

Scam callers are great opportunities for improv comedy though! I don’t own a landline, so I use my mobile phone with TrueCaller to screen my calls for scammers. When one comes in though, I usually answer with the following:

“Second-hand Desires, where one man’s trash is another man’s fetish! This is [Insert random name here] speaking, could I interest you in a very lightly used [random sex toy]?”

It’s a bit of a game for me too, since the random sex toy gets progressively more strange (for better or worse) with every phone call.

zeontestpilot > WiscoProud
08/01/2017 at 17:43

I usually mess with the automated system to see how many different responses I can get. It’s a game to me. :)

Maxima Speed > Corkscrew'd
08/01/2017 at 17:46

I have root beer in my nose now!! Thanks :P

zeontestpilot > Corkscrew'd
08/01/2017 at 17:51

I have a list, somewhere, of random responses to give them. But they call so rarely now I’ve forgotten most of them. I think I keep scaring them off.

I was thinking of asking them for random advice, like “so I accidentally punched my friend.... in the face... 10 times. Again, it was a accident. What should I do?” Or “so my neighbor has a goat, and totally unrelated, what’s the best way to kill a goat?” Or just go on about their security system. “Does this prevent ninjas from breaking in? What about dinosaurs? And don’t lie to me, I’ve seen Jurassic park” “Do the cameras have lasers? Do you install your own moat or is that out of my own pocket?”

wkiernan > Corkscrew'd
08/01/2017 at 17:56

“Second-hand Desires”! That’s excellent.

wkiernan > zeontestpilot
08/01/2017 at 18:01

Try being a demented political crank next time. Everybody wants to chit-chat with one of them! Like, for example, “Security? Ha! there’s no such thing as security. If they want to get you they can. All these so-called security systems are is security theater. You think you’re safe. That’s what they want you to think, so you let your guard down.”

Corkscrew'd > zeontestpilot
08/01/2017 at 18:15

You’re forgetting about sharks with freakin’ laser beams, man! Gotta have those laser sharks!

Corkscrew'd > Maxima Speed
08/01/2017 at 18:19

You’ll be happy to know that I’ve moved on from rubber fists to novelty dildos in those phone calls.

Corkscrew'd > wkiernan
08/01/2017 at 18:24

Thanks! It took me like a day or two to settle on the name. For a while I was using “Mom’s Closet”, and “Pastor’s Porn Stash.”

I ended up going by a more subtle approach lol.

OPPOsaurus WRX > zeontestpilot
08/01/2017 at 19:05

I got a call for extended car warranties. I said I had a Ferrari Daytona. They said they don’t insure those and I must have something else that they were calling for. I said insure my boat. They said they only insure things on the road. I said it is on a trailer infront of my house and they need to insure it. Guy started getting mad so we had a screaming match until he hung up.

zeontestpilot > wkiernan
08/01/2017 at 19:57

Don’t forget to inform them on how the aliens put a radio in your teeth!

zeontestpilot > Corkscrew'd
08/01/2017 at 19:58

I thought that was came standard with the moat?

zeontestpilot > OPPOsaurus WRX
08/01/2017 at 19:59

That sounds amazing . I’m jealous.

wkiernan > zeontestpilot
08/01/2017 at 21:45

“I’m not saying there are aliens. But if there were aliens trying to take over, that’s exactly what they’d do.”

19JRC99 > OPPOsaurus WRX
08/01/2017 at 22:34

Oh, how I wish there was audio of this screaming match.

OPPOsaurus WRX > 19JRC99
08/01/2017 at 23:02

i had had a bad day that day so there was no holding back. My (to be) wife and her sister were sitting there with no clue who i’m talking to and why i’m telling him to fuck various things.

19JRC99 > OPPOsaurus WRX
08/02/2017 at 00:34

“Telling him to fuck various things.”

This is literally my strategy for any argument with anyone who isn’t a family member.

zeontestpilot > wkiernan
08/02/2017 at 05:51

“That’s exactly what an alien would say to make me trust them...”

pip bip - choose Corrour > zeontestpilot
08/02/2017 at 06:47

we get a whole bunch of those idiots at work, wanting to speak to the owner. i’m at the stage of just hanging up on them.

zeontestpilot > pip bip - choose Corrour
08/02/2017 at 08:25

Speak gibberish to them, confuse them. :)

You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much > pip bip - choose Corrour
08/02/2017 at 10:56

We had a very determined scammer calling work a few years ago. It was one of those deals where they wanted you to say “yes” so that they had that recorded and could bill you exorbitant amounts for random things. A few times I let him get through his spiel and then when it got the point where I had to answer “yes” I would never say yes and always throw some kind of caveat or disclaimer at him. He’d get all mad so I’d say “sorry, I misunderstood, can you run through those questions again”. Only to get to the end and say “sorry, I’m not authorized to change the billing” or some other random excuse. Then we would see how long he would stay on hold, or just leave the phone off the hook without putting him on hold. We’d also get him to go through his whole speech, then say “sorry, I’m not authorized for that, let me transfer you to someone who is”. We wasted hours of that scammer time and lots of our own. It was worth it for the entertainment value though. The guy called daily for weeks.

Corkscrew'd > zeontestpilot
08/04/2017 at 14:47

Depends, there’s usually fresh water in the moat, and most sharks are salt water animals. If they’re cyborg sharks though, you don’t even need water!

zeontestpilot > Corkscrew'd
08/04/2017 at 15:48

When in doubt, cyborg sharks.