Come at me bruh, I have old stories for days: No,but really, what's with all of the gulag books (a story)

"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats) 08/08/2017 at 22:26 • Filed to: None

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I was pleasantly surprised by the good response I got from my story of being a drunken idiot, so here’s another. A few years ago I ended up in Hong Kong by mistake.

How I ended up in Hong Kong is a different story, but suffice it to say I ended up there on short notice with nothing to do.

My second night there, I found an amazing jazz bar. I love jazz, so I always seek them out wherever I go.

At first I started drinking with an editor from Agence France-Presse. I love drinking with reporters, because they’re fun. He didn’t disappoint. He was an interesting guy. He was British and took a gap year when he was 18 to go to Thailand. He went during monsoon season and got stuck in Hong Kong, he spent about a week there, grew to like it, and decided to stay. He started out as a bartender in the bar we were drinking in, started writing for newspapers, and eventually joined AFP and became, I think, their Southeast Asia editor.

He had been embedded in Afghanistan during the early part of the war. I haven’t been to Afghanistan, but I love Central Asia, so we started talking about that.

He told me this amazing story where, paraphrasing, they received a report that the Afghan military (the good guys) had massacred a bunch of civilians in a Taliban village. So he loaded up in an old Defender with a camera man and a translator and went over there. Along the way, they were intercepted by a local warlord who brought them to his house. He explained that they were going to verify these reports of civilians being murdered, and the warlord responded “I can kill you and take your Land Rover.” It was, apparently, a joke, but it wasn’t that funny considering that everyone else had AK47s.

They eventually let them pass and they got to the town. That’s all I remember of that story, and he left.

So I was talking to the bartender, and at the time I lived in New York, when this girl came up to order a pitcher and overheard me. “You live in New York?” she said in a fairly heavy Irish accent. “Yes” I said. “Come drink with us” she said.

So I went to their table and started drinking with her, two English friends, and a Australian friend. I learned, quite quickly, that Australian’s perceive of “cunt” differently from most of the world. For instance “that’s such a lie, you fucking cunt” means “we are good friends, but I doubt the credulity of this story” in Australian.

It gets to about midnight and her friends leave. In the proper wing-lady way, the Australian friend tells her its time to go home, because “you work tomorrow, cunt,” but she decided to stay.

I was a bit drunk and at some point we started dancing in a bar that was far too small to dance in.

These Hong Kongers invited us over to their table to come drink with them and she thought that sounded fun.

These guys were amazing. Both were English teachers who played jazz on the side. One told me that the bar we were in was the best jazz bar in Hong Kong and texted me a few others. They were there with their girlfriends and ordering champagne, which they offered to us, and I accepted after I felt reasonably sure I would not have to pay for it. Around last call, the they went to the bathroom and I was there alone with the girl. Their check came and I took a look at it . It was about 20,000 HKD, or about $2,500. They came back and paid it without blinking an eye. I think they had money.

So they left and the Irish girl and I were standing outside of the bar in the rain smoking. “Where are you staying?” she asked. “In New Territories” I said. “That’s too far. We’ll go to my apartment.”

So we did. She had a very nice apartment in Hong Kong Island in Mid-Levels, which is a very expensive area. It was huge. Larger than anything I ever rented in New York. Earlier I had asked her what she did for a living and she said she was a spy. Obviously she was lying, and when I showed her my ID to prove I did actually do what I said I did, she was kind of shocked that it was the truth. I guess she was in finance or something.

So I’m sitting on her couch and she goes to pour some wine and I notice that in her living room, where most people might have a TV, she just has books. And a good 2/3 of those books are about Stalinism and the Gulag. So she comes back and I go “So... what’s with all of the books on the Gulag?” And she goes “Don’t do that. Don’t look at my books. I hate when people look at your books, because then they try to understand you based on your books.”

Now, up until that moment, that hadn’t occurred to me. But for years now, I have been obsessed with what the fuck her connection to the Gulag was. I mean, really, that was a lot of books about the Gulag. I didn’t know that so many books about the Gulag existed, yet there they all were, in her apartment.

So, yeah, basically the rest of that played out like Norwegian Wood.

I went back to that bar a few times, and each one was one of the best experience of my life. I drank with the jazz band, smoked in the kitchen, spent a really fucked up night with an aspiring writer from Chicago, and did free shots with the Nepalese waitresses. I liked that bar.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 22:33

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I ran into her Australian fried the next day, it was... awkward I think for some reason.

interstate366, now In The Industry > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 22:34

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I wasted my 20s.

Alfalfa > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 22:38

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Plot twist: this was woman that Tina Fey’s character was based on:

Honeybunchesofgoats > Alfalfa 05/09/2017 at 22:40

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God, I wish. She is one of my biggest crushes.

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 23:07

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I know, right?

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 23:10

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So, with a little tweaking, this could have been a decent backstory for the Avengers movie I watched last night.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Chariotoflove 05/09/2017 at 23:10

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Seriously.

Frank Grimes > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/09/2017 at 23:18

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Maybe she reads gulag books like I listen to The Smiths, because shared sadness doesn’t make it as hard.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Frank Grimes 05/09/2017 at 23:32

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I like this theory so much, despite despising Morissey.

ptak appreciates old racecars > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/10/2017 at 01:34

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You write a good-ass story sir

AuthiCooper1300 > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/10/2017 at 04:49

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I think I can relate better to this one, but somehow it rings less true (please note that whether it is true or not is immaterial anyway. I am talking about verosimilitude here.).

a) I thought the AFP guy was going to be the spook. Maybe he actually was, but...

b) ...a civilian Defender, in Afghan? Seriously? How come? I thought the only guys brave enough to drive a Landy there were the British squaddies (because that’s what they were issued with, natch. No, the Perentie does not count). The bit about the warlord does sound real though. Life can be like that.

c) It feels as if the narrative is a huge McGuffin and what the author wants is the reader to wonder “so what is really Mr Honeybunchesofgoats’ line of business”? However, I doubt very much that the métier implied is the kind where you show your official credentials to a possible one-night stand. Or is it?

d) I really enjoyed the setting, maybe because it reminded me of The Honourable Schoolboy.

e) Good show.

Looking forward to more.

pip bip - choose Corrour > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/10/2017 at 06:46

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interesting

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > Honeybunchesofgoats 05/10/2017 at 21:13

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well my 20s were super boring.

Honeybunchesofgoats > AuthiCooper1300 05/17/2017 at 21:54

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I kept meaning to reply to this.

A) I remember thinking it was weird simply because, who sends a guy from Southeast Asia off to Afghanistan during the height of the war? Those aren’t exactly comparable

B) I’m about 50% positive it was a Defender. But it was 100% a Land Rover, because I distinctly remember thinking “shit, I’ve been in the desert in cars that broke down constantly, I sure as fuck wouldn’t want to be in a Land Rover in a warzone.” It’s possible he was using it as a colloquial term for a 4x4, but from the warlord guy’s response, it seemed like the car was desireable.

C) that was kind of the weird thing. Like, she so surprised me when she said she thought I was making it up, that I just pulled out my ID, because I couldn’t imagine why she would think I was lying.

I have another burner, try to guess it! > AuthiCooper1300 05/17/2017 at 22:12

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When I was in Afghanistan the CIA guys went out in Foresters. The only upgrades they had were bumpers, small lifts, and military radios.

True story.

AuthiCooper1300 > I have another burner, try to guess it! 05/18/2017 at 09:25

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I can imagine that. Nothing fancy, but competent.

AuthiCooper1300 > AuthiCooper1300 05/18/2017 at 09:45

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Regarding the AFP guy: maybe his employer (whoever it may be) sent it there because he happened to have some unusual language skills?

Regarding the Land Rover: even if it were a Series Land Rover - how did it make it there? Also, I would think a typical Toyota/Mitsubishi pickup truck would be much more desirable. I’d be surprised warlords up in the mountains feel a Land Rover is the epitome of cool. Unless it was a somewhat flashier LR product, such as a Range Rover. But again, what are the chances of a Range Rover being in that country, of all places?

Regarding the Irish girl: maybe it was not her flat – she rented it already furnished or was house-sitting for someone. That would generally fit with her Walter Mitty-esque claim to being a spy; if it is not her flat she hasn’t read the books (or at least not many of them), but she still wants to appear as if she had.

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 22:37

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It probably was an actual defender. I was there in ‘14 and there were motorpools of them. No one took them off the FOB by then, but even then the CIA (or FBI) used Subies and 4runners.

Dave the car guy , still here > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 22:39

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I’d really have worried about the Gulag books, seriously. You sound like you’ve had some good travels. My only adventures have all been in dive bars during my oil days or during travels for my past sports addictions. Looking forward to some more of your stories. Maybe some day I’ll tell about nearly being beat up by fisherman in a New Bedford dive bar or watching the Federales shot holes through a surfers board in Baja.

Honeybunchesofgoats > DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time 08/08/2017 at 22:41

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Thank you! I knew it had to be a Defender, because that really stuck out to me as weird.

sony1492 > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/08/2017 at 22:43

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Storytime on oppo is the best

X37.9XXS > Honeybunchesofgoats 08/09/2017 at 12:30

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She probably was a spy

Nobody is as morose as a drunk KGB officer