I'm going to follow Lifehacker's guidance and ask Oppo for advice.

"Honeybunchesofgoats" (honeybunche0fgoats) 06/15/2017 at 11:29 • Filed to: None

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Lifehacker’s advice for asking for advice is as follows. I’ve broken them down into steps so you can follow along at home:

1 Spend 95% of your time researching the person you’re emailing, and 5% writing the email.

2 Introduce yourself quickly but specifically, and ask specific questions.

3 Ask one or two questions. Not three! You’ll feel like adding a third because your email looks too short. It’s not.

4 Google your questions first.

5 Don’t offer to “hop on the phone” as a compromise. That’s not a compromise, it’s a threat.

6 Say “Even one sentence would be great.”

7 Novelist Tao Lin !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! : Tell the recipient it’s OK to ignore your email. Not just to say no, but to completely ignore it .

8 Say thank you.

9 As soon as you’re ready to send, find and delete at least one sentence.

10 Send and move on. Never “follow up.”

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Dear Oppo,

I see from Googling you that you like cars, animal photos, and memes about Doug Demuro(1). I am Honeybunchesofgoats I like Jags and making dumb posts about Lifehacker articles(2).

Can I ask you two questions? Fuck, does this count as one?(3)

(4)

I do not want to “hop on the phone” with you. Please don’t take that as a threat. People often interpret the things I say as a threat. I don’t mean to threaten you. I love you. I’ve spent so many nights watching you sleep, how could I threaten you? (5).

Even one sentence would be great (6).

It’s okay to ignore my email. Not just to say no, I mean you can completely ignore this entire email. Will there be dire repercussions if you ignore me? Well, let me put it this way, have you seen Fatal Attraction ? But, sure, just ignore me. That’s cool (7).

Thank you.(8) (9)

I am sending this and moving on. You can comment or star it if you want, but I will never follow up, because I don’t care (10).

Ash78, voting early and often > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:33

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This is almost all horrible advice. Where do they get this stuff? As a general rule, I hate blanket statements!

For Sweden > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:33

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Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:34

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Wow, that’s not a great email. I think I’ll stick to my format of, well... write it, reread it, adjust, send.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Ash78, voting early and often 06/15/2017 at 11:35

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I don’t think that Lifehacker is written or read by real humans:

http://lifehacker.com/tag/social-gps

Ash78, voting early and often > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:35

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You know, their fitness sub-blog is actually pretty good in the rare times I read it, but most of it seems pretty phoned-in, USA Today-grade stuff.

Honeybunchesofgoats > For Sweden 06/15/2017 at 11:35

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I said you could ignore me, not ban me!

For Sweden > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:36

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It’s probably written by millennial engineers

Honeybunchesofgoats > Ash78, voting early and often 06/15/2017 at 11:36

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I did bookmark a pretty cool periodic table of exercises that they shared recently.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs 06/15/2017 at 11:38

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I prefer to stick to the tried and true methods:

Ash78, voting early and often > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:40

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I just found it — great visual resource. I did strictly bodyweight work for a couple years when I didn’t have a gym membership. I used an empty office in my old building and it worked pretty well. Working out alone with bodyweight is much harder than going to a gym, IMO. Just the mental motivation to stick with it...some of the stuff (like one-leg squats, aka pistols) can be really dangerous depending on your bodyweight and limb geometry. #tangent

Textured Soy Protein > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:41

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Lifehacker: 

“Come for the OCD ways to organize the gadgets and Moleskine notebook in your hipster messenger bag, stay for the patronizing advice columns and shitty cooking tutorials.”

benjrblant > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:42

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This seems an entirely effective way to be perceived as annoying while also not getting a reply to your questions.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Ash78, voting early and often 06/15/2017 at 11:43

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I used to exercise in my old office instead of working in the morning. At first, I liked the idea of being paid to exercise and it worked pretty well. Then I realized that I could both not work and not exercise and still get paid, so it sort of fell apart.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Textured Soy Protein 06/15/2017 at 11:45

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Save $20 over your lifetime by scraping the leftovers from your old deodorant together. Related article: How do I know when I smell?

CalzoneGolem > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:49

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You also said you would never follow up.

Honeybunchesofgoats > CalzoneGolem 06/15/2017 at 11:53

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I’ll miss shitposting here.

Chariotoflove > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 11:53

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Thank you.(8) (9)

Best part.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 12:24

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http://www.tedlnancy.com/

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 12:27

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Their advice looks like an auto-generated algorithm from someone trying to train a markov-chain letter writing robot with really, really shitty rules in the morbid fear it will sound like a robot.

In a shocking twist, any letter thus generated will seem “off” and, well, robotic.

TorqueToYield > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 12:45

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Lifehacker: advice for people who would take advice from a Gawker Univision blog.

WilliamsSW > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 12:48

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You know what the best part of Lifehacker’s site is?

Your posts tearing it to shreds. If it weren’t for that, it would be completely useless.

Blunion05 drives a pink S2000 (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST) > Textured Soy Protein 06/15/2017 at 12:50

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I have so many good old articles bookmarked by lifehacker, but nothing much from the past two years.

Honeybunchesofgoats > TorqueToYield 06/15/2017 at 13:02

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Jajajajajajajaja

Honeybunchesofgoats > WilliamsSW 06/15/2017 at 13:56

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I really want to make this a thing.

WilliamsSW > Honeybunchesofgoats 06/15/2017 at 14:27

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I support this idea.