I'm starting a political party, and its one and only issue is the elimination of asking questions about your day instead of saying hello

"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
05/08/2017 at 13:36 • Filed to: None

The single biggest issue tormenting our nation is the unnecessary asking of questions instead of saying hello. “How are you doing?” “I’m fine, how about you?” “I’m fine!” This is the absolute most inane conversation in the history of human communication, and yet it happens all the time! Stop it!

A greeting is not a question! A greeting is a word you say to be generally polite and acknowledge that there is another human in your presence.

Somewhere along the way though, we as humans decided we needed to not only greet people, but feign interest in them while greeting them. You don’t need to do this! A greeting, in and of itself, is already being polite!

I’m fairly certain that no one in the history of asking “how are you doing?” instead of saying “hello” or an equivalent greeting has ever cared what the response to this question will be. They aren’t expecting the person being asked how they’re doing to share real details about their life.

If you want to have some fun, when a random person greets you with “how are you doing?” instead of “hello,” give them an extended summary of all the things that have happened in your day and watch as their eyes quickly glaze over in horror as you answer the question they just asked but did not expect or want an answer to.

If ever someone greets me with a question about my day, I do the following:

Seethe in rage at their perpetuation of this terrible conversational convention.

Respond, “good, how bout yourself?” and smile.

Wait for one of three responses: A) absolutely nothing B) “fine” C) a detailed recitation of their day up to this point

(If C above occurs, I smile and nod and try to act interested, while inside I’m cursing this person for having extended the greeting into a totally pointless conversation.)

I live by a code, and the first rule of that code is that when I greet people, I say hello or one of its equivalents. Because I genuinely don’t want to start a call-and-response conversation about absolutely nothing with every single person who crosses my path.

It is entirely socially acceptable to acknowledge the presence of others without asking them about their day! You can even do this in a genuine, friendly, and warm manner! A simple head nod, smile, “hello,” or any other vaguely positive gesture is totally fine!

Repeat after me:

I will not greet people in the form of a question. I will greet people with greetings. I will not greet people in the form of a question. I will greet people with greetings. I will not greet people in the form of a question. I will greet people with greetings.

I look forward to your bipartisan support of this very important concern afflicting people nationwide. It has reached epidemic proportions and we must unite to vanquish our common enemy of questions as greetings.

Thank you, God bless, and party on, dudes.

DISCUSSION (34)

jimz > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 13:42

“Well, Mr. Kramer, you got a greeting that begins with ‘H’. How’s $20 sound?”

Dusty Ventures > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 13:42

‘Sup?

Tekamul > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 13:44

How’s it hangin’?

CB > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 13:47

Rust and Dust - Oppositelock Forever > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 13:48

AtlasM this morning:

Textured Soy Protein > Tekamul
05/08/2017 at 13:48

You have committed the cardinal sin of asking a question as a greeting. You will hereby be excommunicated by Judge Dredd, official excommunicator of the Don’t Ask Questions As Greetings Party. Thank you for your service.

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > Dusty Ventures
05/08/2017 at 13:48

My wheels...yea this is not good. Not sure how I got here, but my wheels are definitely up and not down.

Textured Soy Protein > Dusty Ventures
05/08/2017 at 13:48

XJDano > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 13:49

I usually just give the “Hellooo” with that O lingering a bit, even when asked how are you I just say Hellooo. Kind of like a hell no, but skip the N Sound. No one gives a shit about my day, not even me.

Tennessee Dreamer > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 13:50

I concur, You’ve got my vote.

Dusty Ventures > XJDano
05/08/2017 at 13:53

I see your helloo and raise you an ollo

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 13:53

Instructions unclear, my penis is now stuck in a fan... How about you?

Textured Soy Protein > Rust and Dust - Oppositelock Forever
05/08/2017 at 13:53

It was all cute cat pictures until the too-chipper HR lady who works near me greeted someone with a question about their day. And just now on my way out the door to lunch an engineering manager greeted me with a question about my day. It’s never ending repetition of the same worthless conversation.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 13:57

I find it acceptable that people want to say something other than hi, but I get really bothered by those people who get pissed off if you respond something other than good/fine and actually try to talk to them. They act like you are breaking the rules and being an asshole for doing so. In other words, being friendly is okay by me. But being fake-friendly is literally worse than hitler.

Textured Soy Protein > XJDano
05/08/2017 at 13:59

fintail > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 14:00

Tekamul > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 14:03

Man, you didn’t even tell me how it’s hanging. Rude.

DipodomysDeserti > Tekamul
05/08/2017 at 14:06

A little to the left.

just-a-scratch > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 14:07

Hello.
I believe the hand turkey is a perfect mascot for this party. It’s simple and a bit like a one-hand wave of greeting.

DipodomysDeserti > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 14:09

I am right there with you. You probably have more restraint than me. I’d go full fight club if I ever had to work in an office. I think it is the insincerity of it. You don’t actually care about what I’m doing, otherwise you wouldn’t have wasted my time with such a dumb fucking question.

Textured Soy Protein > DipodomysDeserti
05/08/2017 at 14:19

It’s part office thing and part Midwest “nice” thing.

Hell, after making this post, on my way out the door to lunch I got asked how I was doing by a coworker, and then at Subway the sandwich artist said “how are you doing how can I help you today?” I ordered a sub without telling him about my day.

I grew up in the DC suburbs and when I moved to Wisconsin for school, it was totally foreign to me to acknowledge the presence of other people who crossed my path. Because there’s so many more people around in a place like where I grew up, everyone created their own personal bubble of space where they ignore others.

I’d be walking around campus and people would randomly say hi to me and I’d be genuinely taken aback that it kept happening. I then learned that I should smile and say hi to every good looking girl who walked by, because then it would sometimes turn into a conversation.

But outside that, there’s this thing with people around here where they can’t resist acknowledging the presence of others, and expect to be acknowledged.

I work in corporate recruiting and I’m in the weekly HR team meetings, where the topic is often employee feedback about is this a nice place to work. I kid you not, we very recently had a conversation that some employees felt like not everybody was saying hi to them in the halls and we as HR should make sure to say hi to everybody as we go out in the halls, and hope it spreads.

Azrek > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 14:19

You know what Jack Burton does at a time like this?

“I’m just thrilled to be alive.”

That is my response and I usually get a chuckle and it causes further conversation.

Textured Soy Protein > Azrek
05/08/2017 at 14:21

But...that causes further conversation.

I suppose this is a wittier version of the absolute worst possible response to being asked how one is doing, which is “living the dream.”

benjrblant > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 14:23

I have a coworker that asks me “how’s it going” or similar every time I see them. This occurs 3-8 times a day.

Textured Soy Protein > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%)
05/08/2017 at 14:25

That’s exactly the problem with using a question as a greeting. It’s all too often done as a mindless greeting when no actual response is expected or desired. If you don’t want to hear about someone’s day then don’t ask them about it.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 14:32

It gets so bad sometimes that I end up mindlessly answering “good”, regardless of what someone says. They can say “hi” and I will reply “good”, They can say “whats up?” and I will reply “good”. They could probably even say “help I’m on fire” and I will just reply “good”.

DipodomysDeserti > Textured Soy Protein
05/08/2017 at 16:25

The Southwest is kind of a mix of the two. People are sociable compared to other large metro areas, but sometimes it is too damn hot for pleasantries.

haveacarortwoorthree2 > DipodomysDeserti
05/08/2017 at 17:24

I got the “how are you doing” question last summer as I got in the elevator early in the morning. As it wasn’t a particularly good morning and it already was almost 100, my response was, “It’s too damn early in the morning for my balls to be this sweaty.” Dude looked at me for a second, then just busted a gut. I don’t know whether that encouraged him from posing that question to people or discouraged him.

DipodomysDeserti > haveacarortwoorthree2
05/08/2017 at 17:29

Ahhhh yes, the days where it cools down to 98F at night. 100F mornings are coming...

Chariotoflove > Textured Soy Protein
05/09/2017 at 16:11

This is a good time review the wisdom of that great prophet and seer, George Carlin. Forward to 2:09 to see his thoughts on greetings:

Textured Soy Protein > Chariotoflove
05/09/2017 at 16:15

AND GEORGE CARLIN IS IN BILL & TED MOVIES!

Kinja'd!!!

Chariotoflove > Textured Soy Protein
05/09/2017 at 16:18

Oh? Cool. Didn’t know that. Guess I didn’t pay enough attention.

Textured Soy Protein > Chariotoflove
05/09/2017 at 16:22

That’s him in the phone booth.

Chariotoflove > Textured Soy Protein
05/09/2017 at 16:23

Yeah, noticed after you mentioned him.