Muh whip for the day

"If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent" (essextee) 04/25/2017 at 13:06 • Filed to: None

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AMA about it.

List of faults (that I’ve found so far):

Driver seat electrics mostly borked, only tilts

Passenger seat electrics completely borked

Only two windows work

Neither sunroof works

Interior dome lights borked

Cruise control broken

Rear wiper broken

A/C broken

Dash binnacle loose

Voltage regulator is dying

Horn broken

Hazards broken (but turn signals work?)

Low range shifter frozen

Fog lights broken

Power mirrors broken

Auto dimming mirror broken

Different combination of dash lights every time you start it (todays mix is SRS, ABS, and CEL. The ABS light goes out when you turn the headlights on.)

And to think this thing only has 85k miles on it.

benjrblant > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:10

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D2? Is that the 4.0? Still have the rear jumps?

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > benjrblant 04/25/2017 at 13:13

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It’s a series 1, V8 of some displacement, and if you’re referring to the third row seats, they weren’t optioned.

TheHondaBro > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:13

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Yeah?

benjrblant > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:15

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Sorry, rear jump seats. I thought they all had some sort of v8.

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:17

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How long have you been trapped there because it wouldn’t start?

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > benjrblant 04/25/2017 at 13:18

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US market was V8 only but elsewhere you could get a diesel 4. It’s a 1996 so that means it’s a 4.0 according to Wikipedia.

BlueMazda2 - Blesses the rains down in Africa, Purveyor of BMW Individual Arctic Metallic, Merci Twingo > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:20

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How many times has Doug DeMuro tried to steal it buy it from you?

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > BlueMazda2 - Blesses the rains down in Africa, Purveyor of BMW Individual Arctic Metallic, Merci Twingo 04/25/2017 at 13:21

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That would require Doug knowing I exist.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:24

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Has it broken down yet?

Textured Soy Protein > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:24

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Isn’t the dead pedal hilariously small and worthless?

Ssfancyfresh > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:25

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What does it smell like on the inside?

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 04/25/2017 at 13:29

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I’ve updated the post with a list of faults

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Ssfancyfresh 04/25/2017 at 13:30

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A car that was left sitting for a while. Which I suspect it has at some point, judging by the stains on the headliner.

My citroen won't start > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:30

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How does it feel driving the best vehicle ever made?

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Textured Soy Protein 04/25/2017 at 13:30

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Omg it’s like half the width of my foot. Who the hell ok’d that?!?

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > My citroen won't start 04/25/2017 at 13:33

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These are the single most uncomfortable seats ever made. I’d rather it be outfitted with bar stools than these things.

Ash78, voting early and often > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:37

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List of faults (that I ’ ve found so far):

You just plagiarized the window sticker from the dealership in 2001.

Ash78, voting early and often > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 13:38

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The only reason this thing has a hood is so you can prove to your friends it really is a V8. No, seriously. And you have the fuel receipts to prove it.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Ash78, voting early and often 04/25/2017 at 13:41

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I found all those in a span of ten minutes.

Textured Soy Protein > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 14:20

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Rover engineers, of course.

Cé hé sin > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 15:18

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Oooh, a Discovery!

I’ve only ever driven one.

As I recall it:

Power seats not broken (not fitted)

Cruise control not broken (not fitted)

Sunroofs not broken (not fitted)

A/C not broken (not fitted)

Auto dimming mirror not broken (not fitted)

Airbag, check engine light and ABS lights not lit (check engine lights not found here and I don’t think it had the other items)

Then again, the wipers didn’t park automatically and it was painfully slow, I’m guessing lack of turbo.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Cé hé sin 04/25/2017 at 15:26

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Sounds like you got a stripper 2.0 Diesel.

Cé hé sin > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 15:35

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2.5 TD to be exact, nobody buys petrol ones here. 111 or so bhp on a good day. They’re said to be reliable and very long-lasting. They went to the I5 later because of emissions regs.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Cé hé sin 04/25/2017 at 15:37

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The V8 isn’t anything spectacular but it makes a nice noise and you don’t find yourself wishing for more power.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/25/2017 at 16:43

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Who did you piss off?

CaptDale - is secretly British > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 04/26/2017 at 11:52

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Can I have it then? Sounds worthless, so I will give you $1