NEWS FLASH: Democrats Indicate Willingness to Pursue Transmission Legislation

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78) 10/05/2017 at 09:46 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire

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After years of digging in their heels on any form of automotive regulation, senior Democrats in Congress have indicated a willingness to work with Republicans on limiting access to certain types of transmissions, specifically the “Dual Clutch Transmission,” or “DCT.”

The DCT has been marketed under various names over the past two decades, including DSG, SMG, and PDK, but the fundamental premise is the same: Allowing drivers to shift faster and more efficiently than they could do using other transmissions.

Developers of the DCT insist the device was originally intended only for professional racing drivers, including Formula 1 and World Rally Championship. But the governing body of both leagues, known as the FIA, admits that it failed to restrict the technology from filtering into everyday consumer vehicles.

“We had no idea consumers would accept the additional complexity, weight, and cost of these transmissions,” says FIA spokesman Michele Letorneau. “FIA-sanctioned races have been the leader in automotive safety and technology advancement for many years. We simply regret that DCTs have made their way into the hands of irresponsible drivers.”

The DCT remained relatively unknown to the general public !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , when attendees of the “H2Oi” gathering in Ocean City, Maryland, began hearing unusually quick shifts during impromptu street races. Local police were unable to catch the offenders in their patrol cars and had to resort to helicopters and motorcycles to keep up.

One teen driver of a late-model Porsche Cayman sports car was quoted as saying he didn’t even know what PDK meant except “That [expletive] is Pretty Damn Kwik.”

A typical DCT driver (credit: @Dapper69 Instagram)

Ocean City Police Chief Clancy Wiggum says “Our biggest concern right now is that drivers are using DCTs on the street without proper training. They drive these cars in their video games and think you can just come out here, push some buttons on your car, and everything will be fine. But in real life, Damage Effects are set to “High” and there are no Continues.”

Pro-car advocacy group AAA has been unusually silent on the news. Many observers think the AAA has been keeping quiet since nearly losing a fight to outlaw Launch Control from passenger cars in late 2016. “Even if you outlaw Launch Control, people can still do Brake Stands. People are going to win their drag races any way they can,” AAA President Wayne Lagrande was quoted as saying in court documents.

It remains to be seen whether bipartisan action will materialize, but renowned car enthusiast and former Vice President Joe Biden has reportedly been helping mediate between the two main parties.

“If I can’t get Congress to reach across the aisle on this one, then I’m going to try for a full reacharound,” Biden said Tuesday.

awmaster10 > Ash78, voting early and often 10/05/2017 at 09:54

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This should be on the FP

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Ash78, voting early and often 10/05/2017 at 09:58

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That Cayman crash has nothing on Supra Stair climb.

TheTurbochargedSquirrel > Ash78, voting early and often 10/05/2017 at 10:03

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8/10, no assault transmission reference.

DipodomysDeserti > Ash78, voting early and often 10/05/2017 at 10:10

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Imagine if we let people drive unregistered cars on the street. Even crazier, what if we let people drive vehicles without having any sort of training or licensing. It would be a pretty wild world if I could walk into WalMart, buy a car for $200, and drive it right out of the parking lot without so much as a driver’s license. In this sort of world there probably would be any administrations making sure cars had seatbelts, airbags, or were even put together properly.

I’m guessing a lot more people would die in car accidents in this sort of world.

functionoverfashion > Ash78, voting early and often 10/05/2017 at 10:26

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This is outstanding.

Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) > Ash78, voting early and often 10/05/2017 at 10:33

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Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > Ash78, voting early and often 10/05/2017 at 11:09

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My contribution, I like this form of satire very much:

Rumor has it congress is prepared to hear arguments to retrofit any and all cars currently fitted with a DCT (dual clutch transmission) or variation there-of to no longer be allowed to function in its fully automatic mode. Legislators are currently in discussions with manufacturers to assess the feasibility and it looks like all it would require is a simply software modification. However critics have pointed out the so called bump-shift-attachment, which aftermarket manufacturers such as Roush are said to be in their final stages or designing and testing.

The device would mount to a vehicle’s standard paddle shifters, which are the paddles directly behind the steering wheel. It frees the driver from having to shift their own DCT, harnessing the data-input from the cars ECU which provides the device with the information it needs. The device “bumps” back and forth between the left and right paddle depending on whether and “up-” or a “down-shift” is required, causing the car to rapidly shift again and again. The driver holds his or her foot in place on the gas pedal, while simply holding the steering wheel.

Kyle Richard Butts, a special agent in charge at the Federal Bureau of Investigation, said at a news conference in Las Vegas on Tuesday. “Bump-shift attachments, while simulating automatic shifts, do not actually alter the transmission to shift automatically, making them legal under current federal law.”

Ash78, voting early and often > Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs 10/05/2017 at 11:12

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Nice! I apologize if I missed that, I never want to rip off anyone else’s ideas. But I’ve been on the whole gun/car analogy thing for a very long time and it’s always fun. I don’t see it as disrespectful to victims of murder (heck, look at how many preventable highway deaths we have!), I just try to find humor and satire in any news events, especially if we can make them car-related.

For Sweden > Ash78, voting early and often 10/05/2017 at 11:17

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Nothing will be done if the Democrats always say “we must do something about transmissions” after a tragedy. What is that something that we aren’t already doing? This question is rhetorical; the Democrats just say the same empty lines they always do. It is their equivalent of “thoughts and prayers.”

We all know what Democrats what; a full repeal of transmissions. But that would require a constitutional amendment; something no Democrat will campaign for, because the Democrats are cowards in the face of the pro-transmission lobbyists.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > TheTurbochargedSquirrel 10/05/2017 at 11:28

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If the news outlets are to be believed, every transmission is an assault transmission.

Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) > For Sweden 10/05/2017 at 11:30

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Electric motors don’t need transmissions anyway... it’s 2017, not 1947.

For Sweden > Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) 10/05/2017 at 11:32

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The founders could have never imagined a world without internal combustion engines. I mean, come on, it’s two thousand seventeen

Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) > For Sweden 10/05/2017 at 11:38

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Ludicrous mode would would’ve been considered black magic and the Palo Alto witch trials would’ve cost the lives of many a Tesla engineer.

PatBateman > Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) 10/05/2017 at 11:49

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I view the situation a little differently.

Doctor: You have liver cancer.

Patient: Can we treat it with chemo?

Doctor: I’m not sure, but we’ll go ahead and cut your entire liver out just in case. You have surgery in five minutes.

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > Ash78, voting early and often 10/05/2017 at 11:56

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Oh you didn’t miss anything, this was in response to your post because I thought it was so funny, I thought I’d give a try!

Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) > PatBateman 10/05/2017 at 12:19

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I don’t think we’re trying to ban guns altogether, I think it’s more like banning smoking in public places and and advertising to prevent the cancer in the first place.

LimitedTimeOnly @ opposite-lock.com > PatBateman 10/05/2017 at 12:19

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Doctor: There are a number of other patients in the world who have had the cancerous liver removed and are living happy, healthy lives as a result of it, including patients who had very similar symptoms and health history. So there is a track record of success for the operation with very limited side effects, unlike the uncertainty, risks and pain of an untested chemo approach.

PatBateman > Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) 10/05/2017 at 12:50

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It depends on who you ask in the DNC. I view the right course of action by analyzing what went wrong and how to prevent that exact scenario. First, outlaw not only the sale of bumper stocks and any item made to turn a semi automatic into a pseudo automatic rifle, but outlaw the possession of those accessories. Second, find out where and how he purchased the weapons and see if there’s a way to flag people who purchase over X number of military-style weapons. Third, go back to a federal mandate on magazine capacity restrictions.

Those have a chance of passing, but some people want to go full on “ban semi-automatic firearms”, which won’t pass.

Find out what went wrong and address those exact issues that can get bipartisan support. Use chemo to target the tumor instead of trying to cut out an entire organ. If it doesn’t look like the chemo is working, then reassess the situation.

PatBateman > LimitedTimeOnly @ opposite-lock.com 10/05/2017 at 12:54

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If the chemo doesn’t work, we can cut it out. But try the chemo first, considering the hospital’s rules spell out that removing the liver is more or less against the rules.

ZHP Sparky, the 5th > DipodomysDeserti 10/05/2017 at 13:46

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This is also completely ignoring the fact that in the car equivalent of this world, the only real use for a car is to be able to run people down and kill them…or maybe injure them! Or kill/injure animals. Or to ram against other people with cars who are trying to kill us with theirs. Because if I had a car and you tried killing me with your teeny tiny puny car, I can crush yours with my car!

We all need these cars! Why would we ever want to regulate their use when millions of Americans own these cars peacefully! Tick tock tick tock…peacefully!