Republicans Push for Mandatory Small Car Licensing

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78) 10/03/2017 at 11:03 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire, Guns, Compact, small car

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With gasoline prices remaining at near-historic lows, compact and subcompact cars sales have retreated to their lowest levels in over a decade. This trend has been a boon to truck and SUV sales, but smaller cars have felt the pain as their competitive advantages have been diminished.

Despite some hopes of an eventual turnaround, Republican lawmakers are pushing to add even further disincentives to buying small cars. Bowing to pressure from automakers, legislators are responding to a desire to bolster profits and meet consumer demand by helping to shift the market’s focus towards larger, more profitable vehicles like trucks, SUVs, and large crossovers.

The proposed Compact Car Permit (CCP), also known as a Compact Car Writ (CCW), would give the holder the right to drive a smaller-than-average vehicle freely on public roads. Democrats and environmentalists fear this additional layer of red tape would further hinder acceptance of smaller, more fuel-efficient cars. However, Republican lawmakers feel this is a necessary regulatory step to ensure that people know how to properly handle small vehicles – especially after years of driving full-size cars and SUVs. Their proposals vary slightly, but all involve a mental health evaluation, a criminal background check, and a five-day waiting period (seven days in California).

Honda Fits taking part in an experimental Florida buyback program.

“We fully support the privilege for law-abiding citizens to drive,” says a spokesman for California’s right-leaning AutoPAC, “But these small cars are capable of creating additional congestion and gridlock, and they are small enough to be lost in blind spots of the giant pillars of most modern cars. This requires special awareness, so we believe background checks and proper training are a necessary and appropriate step here.”

Law enforcement agencies have overwhelmingly come out in favor of better regulations on small cars, citing the dangers of criminals being able to outmaneuver police and more easily hide. “The slippery slope,” explains one sheriff “Is that soon every bank robber and gangbanger is going to be driving around in a Yaris or Fit, or maybe even a SMART car. Our officers driving [Ford] Explorers and [Dodge] Chargers will be easily outmaneuvered.”

European nations have embraced subcompact cars for decades and cite far lower crime rates involving small cars when compared to cars as a whole. However, critics say that such a policy simply won’t work in the US due to our more diverse populace and geography.

The Sierra Club and the California Air Resources Board, or CARB, have both expressed dismay at the legislation. In a joint statement on Monday, they claimed that “The Founding Fathers traveled on horseback. Horses are far smaller than even the smallest modern cars, and they use no fossil fuels. Had something like this been forced on them, Boston Harbor would have been filled with drowning horses. That’s animal cruelty and we won’t stand for it – and neither should the American people.”

Pro-car advocacy and lobbyist group the American Automobile Association, or AAA, vehemently opposes any and all restrictions on car ownership and operation. AAA President Wayne LaGrande issued an official statement that “Any and all legislation against vehicle ownership and operation will be fought tooth and nail. If Republican legislators want to force their misguided will on the people, then we’ll see them in court.”

Mr. LaGrande closed by saying “If small cars are outlawed, only outlaws will have small cars.”

Ash78 carries a G-Wiz on his ankle and Morris Minor in his front pocket.

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TheHondaBro > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 11:09

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“Car manufacturers lobbied us and our incompetent president is falling in line”

whoarder is tellurium > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 11:16

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Trevor Slattery, ACTOR > whoarder is tellurium 10/03/2017 at 11:17

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Ya know? This is actually the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

and 100 more > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 11:20

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Am I reading this correctly?? Did i wake up in opposite world?? Did Gawker acquire The Onion overnight and fail to inform us??

You got me...

Luke's Dad Sold His 2000TL To Get a Sienna > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 11:24

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Is this a satire article

Arrivederci > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 11:24

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LOL! You need to write for The Onion, Ash.

sony1492 > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 11:26

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I’m hoping this is satire, I mean the part about out maneuvering the police seems too ridiculous to be true. On the other hand if it was true it would just be met with a long sigh of disgust and not a gasp of shock

TheHondaBro > TheHondaBro 10/03/2017 at 11:32

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Okay thank fuck this is satire.

BahamaTodd > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 11:33

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First this, and soon the government will proclaim the pickup as the official vehicle of the United States.

http://oppositelock.kinja.com/shell-wants-to-name-the-pickup-truck-the-official-vehi-1819104095

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 11:34

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This is good Oppo.

Steve in Manhattan > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 12:02

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You can have my Nissan Leaf when you pry it from my cold dead hand!

k2b: da man trynta steal mah bloggy!!!!!!! > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 13:16

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Had to hold my breath for a second. It’s funny/sad because with these guys, it really could be true.

For Sweden > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 14:28

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Small cars can fit through barriers that keep out large trucks, making small cars the ideal choice for attacking crowded and otherwise protected areas (sometimes called car-free zones).

Ash78, voting early and often > For Sweden 10/03/2017 at 14:44

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^ this guy gets it

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 15:04

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Is this a fucking joke? I sure hope this is satire...

If anything large cars need to have additional licensing and are the more dangerous item. If you want to drive something greater than 2 tons, you need a different license.

kristinbytes > For Sweden 10/03/2017 at 17:11

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Please. That’s just some Volvo propaganda.

kristinbytes > Ash78, voting early and often 10/03/2017 at 17:19

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Law enforcement agencies have overwhelmingly come out in favor of better regulations on small cars, citing the dangers of criminals being able to outmaneuver police and more easily hide. “

Truth

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > and 100 more 10/04/2017 at 10:43

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Actually, if you look at the bottom of the page now... Looks like The Onion IS part of the Univision flock now.

mediumrarefied > For Sweden 10/04/2017 at 12:10

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I have a tiny Twingo and I can park in literally EVERY space. I’d never go back to a normal-sized or large car.